~

But slowly, as her strength returned, she began to tell him her little story. There are a thousand stories like hers in the city every day. 

It was the shop girl’s story—not enough pay, illness, a lost job, lost hope. 

And then the adventurer at the green door.

But to Rudolf it was not a little story. It was a big story.

“And you suffered all that!” he said.

“It was really bad,” said the girl.

“And you have no family or friends in the city?”

“None.”

“I am all alone in the world, too,” said Rudolf.

“I am glad of that,” said the girl. And it pleased the young man to hear that she was glad he was alone. 

~

Sometimes words can be so damn sweet man. Just. 

"But to him it was a big story."

That's such a beautiful insight. Tiny things about people you like are always big things to you while they might be insignificant to the world. Hehe. I love it. 

~

This is such a sweetly crafted story. 

Ugh. She looks so prettyyyy. Maaan, the elegance of a simple gown is just 🥵. I love it. I've hated weddings always but these simple ones are actually sweet.

 Raves getting married today zomg. How time flies man. Damn. 

Star wars

Ugh..I really do love star wars dammit. May the 2200th post be about you. Love love love so damn much. 

Oh my godddddddd aaaaaaaa

How effin cuteeeee aaaaaaa zomgggggy

Starry, Warry, Rainy Nights

Rains and Star Wars. What a combo ♥️

~

It's been so dreary and rainy the last few weeks. Every time I feel like stepping out it just pours for a good 15 mins lol. But lately I've kinda taken to rains. Not as bad as they seemed earlier. There was a time when this city was perenially cloudy, god that was depressing asf. Always needed sunshine and blue skies. But now cloudy weather doesn't seem all that bad either. 

~

Talking to dad and that man has finally learnt to relax hehe... It feels like a good change. And he puts little hearts on my dinner pics haha...I really like that. 

~

I hope everyone just remains happy hehe. 

~

Wow I have 2199 posts damn. I never realised how much I wrote in the last few years... For a decade or more I rarely ever had anything to say. Haha, or rather I felt it was too fake to write stuff for no reason. And now, I guess there's nothing more delightful than rambling for no reason. 

~

M turned that old Barky story into a picture book. It's scary how good ai generated pics can be. 

I love the vibe. And a part of me feels bad for the artist who originally created this stuff. Just feels so bad to know their work can simply be used this way. Hmmm. Well. I'm conflicted. 

~

Oh well. I genuinely did love writing this one. It felt sweet and complete. And the vibe ai gets out of it is what I wanted as well so that's great.  I wish there was a way to get the position on the board correct. Very anti npd also haha. How did I see such positivity and hope and joy in such a dark soul? Maybe that's what I wanted them to be. Hope... The quintessential human delusion. Oh well. Maybe that's why we have stories. We can make them up as we go. And I guess I should take it as a reflection of who I am tbh. I am the author of it anyway lol. Feels strange to use the word author. But it is my creation and there will loads more. 

~

Here's to more genuine writing, and to filling the blank spaces with colour. 

 

Independence day

Dawn of a new time. I appreciate it a lot this year somehow. 

~

Watching Andor and man, so much of this is borrowed from the German regime. Fantastically done tbh. Star wars FTW. Second only to LoTr. 

Tripe, Secret Garden

I don't know what version of secret garden I read as a kid but reading it now and the sheer racism of the author is so jarring. Fuck. I think the books they sold here must have been cleaned of the original texts but how tf can this shit still be in print? It's a children's novel and this is what they taught kids pathetic. 

~

Mary listened to her with a grave, puzzled expression. The native servants she had been used to in India were not in the least like this. They were obsequious and servile and did not presume to talk to their masters as if they were their equals. They made salaams and called them "protector of the poor" and names of that sort. Indian servants were commanded to do things, not asked. It was not the custom to say "please" and "thank you" and Mary had always slapped her Ayah in the face when she was angry. She wondered a little what this girl would do if one slapped her in the face. She was a round, rosy, good-natured looking creature, but she had a sturdy way which made Mistress Mary wonder if she might not even slap back—if the person who slapped her was only a little girl.

" You thought I was a native! You dared! You don't know anything about natives! They are not people—they're servants who must salaam to you. You know nothing about India. You know nothing about anything! " 

~

This dialogue was allowed to exist in a children's novel, and still does. Coming from the mouth of a child no less. Fuck. 

The world disappoints me. I feel awful reading this tripe. How poetic that it's a day before independence day no less. 

~

Sometimes I understand why people can feel insecure. But you have to never bend to this garbage or think less of yourself just coz someone else did. 

I hate racists from the bottom of my heart. All of you can collectively fuck off. 

~

I had actually loved this book, it was like a wonderful treasure to me as a child and now I hate it. Just hate it. Whatever sanitized version I must have read back then just feels traitorous asf now. Even The Little Princess was written by this author, I loved that too and I do not want to ever read it again. Funny. Two books that genuinely had a place in my heart and I was so little when I read them I didn't know they were the same author. And now I'm just filled with disgust at them revealing to me the disdain the author held for people like me.

Bitch. 

~

What a deeply problematic fucking book lol. Even the uncle in the book is shown as some ugly dude who had no business landing a beautiful wife, the girl is shown as ugly and people tell her that to her face. It's like the only hero here is the clean air of england like some oasis that heals you. Yeah fuck this for good tbh. 

Famz

 

Maaan lmao. Curating cute moments ♥️

~

From wanting to constantly run away from them to loving them fiercely, it has been a huuuuge fucking journey. Growing up, their dynamics impacted me sooooo negatively. And sometimes even when you are older and a full fledged adult, these weird fears of being powerless or not having a say in your own life or wants etc can make you avoidant to an extent. It did to me in bits. I used to avoid even emotions lol. Or even love man. Like picking partners with whom I don't feel a deep connect always felt like something was missing. But the missing ingredient was simply me not wanting to risk opening up and choosing people whom I never really saw a future with, just folks to keep around at the time. That's sad. It's not as if they were bad or anything. They just weren't who I was looking for and ones I should have looked for scared me lol. And I hated the idea that once I love someone, I would be defenceless and they would control me and simultaneously ignore my feelings and it wouldn't matter how hurt I was, they wouldn't care etc. It wasn't exactly irrational either, I had been treated that way my my mom. Like some instrument for her needs while mine were shot down. So I know people like that exist. What a shit show their marrige was back in the day, glad it's smoother waters now. In the last few years I feel like I even chose to be around someone who behaved in that exact way, and no matter how bad I felt, it juuuust didn't matter to them. I guess granny's death anniversary is also bringing that thought home to me, but more as a musing now. But in dealing all of these people, the one thing I finally found was grounded footing lol. It made me realise that caring about someone isn't some inescapable prison, and I can and will walk away from anything that isn't keeping me happy or respected. I regret that I gave it so much time, but maybe adequate time is sometimes needed to fully cross a threshold. Hehe. Oh well, you live you learn. I'm glad to have crossed whatever paths I did, good or bad. Each helped me realise I love and respect myself and I want that to be set in stone. That comes before loving anyone else tbh. And I deffo want to love someone else too. For sure I want that. Plus in its own way it's kinda nice that I've only ever wanted to marry one person lol. I am a one man woman haha. So whatever, through all that shit atleast that one pillar never got diluted yessss. Lord, as I say this I just knooooow the one person I'll pick is someone similar to me with all these avoidant issues and commitment mindfuckery who I'll have to be patient asf with at times. But I guess there's beauty in that too tbh. It would be nice to find each other and weather these storms and high tides together as a team. Like that little dream post I wrote ages ago. How I want him to see me. Hehe. I'll find my place in his heart if it's the right person I'm sure of that. Not like I ever settle for the easy path. 

~ I think in general...care is a pathway that requires work, respect, effort but is also rewarding and should feel free and open and happy. I'd like people in my life to feel free and happy in trusting me. I guess they all do as well hehe. I can take that as credited to me because I know I work hard to keep their trust and love from my side too. From the ground up, do yourself a favour and just reserve love and care for only those who do right by you from the get go. The right people are simply ones that are willing to make that effort, the rest just avoid. I know I will hereonout. 

~

Well, I'm glad that I can be happy loving my dysfunctional parents and friends lol. And baby bro... Since it's rakhi, it's actually true that I could not have asked for a better brother hehe. I love him to bits, think the world of him and want to be all elder protective sister whenever I can. 

~

Hehe. Fuck all the shit that happened up until last year. Imma let it go and just gently pivot to the foundations of a good future. Baggage optional. 

And now to do away with philosophy and onwards to lose some chess games via cheap blunders and missed tactics. And overplaying hand. Because a day isn't complete unless you marvel at a shameful loss then proceed to outdo it. 💪 😬 

Let's goooooooo! 

Granny's one year death anniversary is almost here. This time last year I was in the hospital with her. I can't believe it's been a year already. Damn. I feel so sad rn. People mean so much to me, it's so tough to lose someone. :( I love you. 

Wussy

Dammit I'm enjoying peter cat lmao wtf nooooooo.

~

Hehe. Sing me a romantic song pls. 

~

Ugh my soft effin heart now loves this 

I need you most of all

Dammit hahahhaha fuck what a total wuss I am man jeez. Pathetic. I love this too damn much. 

Ok, let's switch to beach house. 

Fallll backkkk innnn toooooo placeeee. Tu tu tu tuuuu. Can't believe I had a thing for dream pop at a point... So cringe but I just fucking love this synth man. What to do. 

Switching to the Strokes lol. Ode to the mets. Hmmm. The yearning in this is similar to Keane. 

~

One thing I yearned for myself was being a musician... I love music so damn much that I think I'd have given anything to be able to sing on stage at Woodstock or even in front of my mirror lol. Damn man. One genuine desire that be. I like flights that are grounded. Maybe I want the best of both worlds. I have a sneaky feeling that's possible. But all these questions and quests and yearnings just come back to wanting self realisations and affirmations. How fucking human of me, huh? 

~

Lying in bed and my hips start to move when I hear Selfless. The strokes indeed. Lulz. Ak would have liked this. And pretended to not hahaha. He was an ass, truly. 

~

All cool moments of life that I love can be set to awesome music. 

~

Damn man. I'm gonna have to start dating. Damn. What a big mountain it seems like. Oh boy. 

Me. 

~

Here's a song for me.

My mistakes were made for you

Why does he sound like Alex Turner? Damn so much like him. God I love that voice. Fuck. Stick your tongue down my face. I wanna feel it.  

Pl~

fuck i love this song. And Turner is so hot damn. Shades of bond in this song. Engineering goes damn well with music. Stem ftw. 

Maybe cuz his lyrics aren't completely brain dead. They always have some element of thought behind them. I didn't realise he was so much older than me though. Interesting. I realise now I've never actually dated anyone much older than me. Not that it matters much but still. Interesting. 

~

I'm gonna paint tomo eff it. Let me make the most of the one inborn talent I have. Heh. Let's do it. 

I can make the album art of this song ditto.  Ugh. I don't even like cats. Fuck it. I'll do it. 

The unknowing

Smol

 How can someone be so tiny omggg

Should play Tokyo drift while riding

Musings

Something about a guy with chest hair really turns me on. Fuck. 💀💀 Is this what guys feel when they see boobs? 😂 

Crap, Idk but that might be it dammit. 

Why why why why whyyyyyyyy play carefully only to fucking ruin it by not paying attention why why whyyyyy. Ugh. Just stuck in that cycle of losing and gaining the same shit for no reason god I hate this game fuck fuck fuck

Pinky promise

If I think and play it seems easy at this level. When I don't, I drop 50 points. Beautiful.

From this moment on, let me just promise self I'll only play a long game if I'm willing to think. And then promise myself to keep that promise. Double swear, no loopholes. 😵

 

Bottled up

Sometimes I notice what I feel are signs of anxiety in a person and it makes me wonder if they are doing alright etc. I'm always so ready to do whatever for people that it's hard for me to pull back and prioritize myself. My friend used to term it sympathy scam. And maybe I do have a tendency to fall for stuff like that but in the end it just feels like an easier choice. Or rather a nicer choice. Idk how else to put it.

~

I guess at the end of the day if you want someone around you should make that effort. Like I would. Trying to self sabotage as a way to get someone to speak or whatever isn't really doing right by them, it's just a tantrum. I have learnt to recognise that. What I want is simple at the end of the day, respect and consideration. My happiness, wanting to make me feel nice, prioritising me, all of that should be important too. If that's a steep mountain as opposed to easy as breathing then I guess that's that. Not an equation I want. A hard lesson was leaving behind people who consider it a mountain, but in the end it's not as if people like that will ever add to your life in a positive way.  It totally sucked having to admit that though. It's not as if you instantly love someone less just cuz you realise they are an ass lol. Wish it were that easy haha. Oh well. The finite number of people I've loved from the bottom of my heart only to be left egg on face lol. The universe needs to give me a medal for that. Gah. Go fuck yourselves lmao. Gaandus all. 🙄. Haha, ok not all... Most are nice and adorable only. 

~

Hehe. But I suppose tenderness should be kept to oneself until someone earns the right to have it. Which is also easier said than done since one of my dominant instincts is being protective. I felt this way today as I was making pesto and realised it's such a simple thing and yet some people can't have it etc. That made me feel like damn. Things I take for granted. Something about this was very gutting in that moment. An existential crisis as I hold a tiny jar with red hearts on it. Little things that matter to me the most... health and wellbeing of people I love is primary. So then had to remind myself of all the myriad things to kill that feeling lol. I guess I'd like the script to flip and have these traits inbound. 

~

I like tiny jars and I cannot lie.

Ps- My pesto best-o

JB actually playing serious chess how nice man. Randomly pops up, plays a classical game and ducks out lol. I'll watch