Bottled up

Sometimes I notice what I feel are signs of anxiety in a person and it makes me wonder if they are doing alright etc. I'm always so ready to do whatever for people that it's hard for me to pull back and prioritize myself. My friend used to term it sympathy scam. And maybe I do have a tendency to fall for stuff like that but in the end it just feels like an easier choice. Or rather a nicer choice. Idk how else to put it.

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I guess at the end of the day if you want someone around you should make that effort. Like I would. Trying to self sabotage as a way to get someone to speak or whatever isn't really doing right by them, it's just a tantrum. I have learnt to recognise that. What I want is simple at the end of the day, respect and consideration. My happiness, wanting to make me feel nice, prioritising me, all of that should be important too. If that's a steep mountain as opposed to easy as breathing then I guess that's that. Not an equation I want. A hard lesson was leaving behind people who consider it a mountain, but in the end it's not as if people like that will ever add to your life in a positive way.  It totally sucked having to admit that though. It's not as if you instantly love someone less just cuz you realise they are an ass lol. Wish it were that easy haha. Oh well. The finite number of people I've loved from the bottom of my heart only to be left egg on face lol. The universe needs to give me a medal for that. Gah. Go fuck yourselves lmao. Gaandus all. 🙄. Haha, ok not all... Most are nice and adorable only. 

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Hehe. But I suppose tenderness should be kept to oneself until someone earns the right to have it. Which is also easier said than done since one of my dominant instincts is being protective. I felt this way today as I was making pesto and realised it's such a simple thing and yet some people can't have it etc. That made me feel like damn. Things I take for granted. Something about this was very gutting in that moment. An existential crisis as I hold a tiny jar with red hearts on it. Little things that matter to me the most... health and wellbeing of people I love is primary. So then had to remind myself of all the myriad things to kill that feeling lol. I guess I'd like the script to flip and have these traits inbound. 

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I like tiny jars and I cannot lie.

Ps- My pesto best-o