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From wanting to constantly run away from them to loving them fiercely, it has been a huuuuge fucking journey. Growing up, their dynamics impacted me sooooo negatively. And sometimes even when you are older and a full fledged adult, these weird fears of being powerless or not having a say in your own life or wants etc can make you avoidant to an extent. It did to me in bits. I used to avoid even emotions lol. Or even love man. Like picking partners with whom I don't feel a deep connect always felt like something was missing. But the missing ingredient was simply me not wanting to risk opening up and choosing people whom I never really saw a future with, just folks to keep around at the time. That's sad. It's not as if they were bad or anything. They just weren't who I was looking for and ones I should have looked for scared me lol. And I hated the idea that once I love someone, I would be defenceless and they would control me and simultaneously ignore my feelings and it wouldn't matter how hurt I was, they wouldn't care etc. It wasn't exactly irrational either, I had been treated that way my my mom. Like some instrument for her needs while mine were shot down. So I know people like that exist. What a shit show their marrige was back in the day, glad it's smoother waters now. In the last few years I feel like I even chose to be around someone who behaved in that exact way, and no matter how bad I felt, it juuuust didn't matter to them. I guess granny's death anniversary is also bringing that thought home to me, but more as a musing now. But in dealing all of these people, the one thing I finally found was grounded footing lol. It made me realise that caring about someone isn't some inescapable prison, and I can and will walk away from anything that isn't keeping me happy or respected. I regret that I gave it so much time, but maybe adequate time is sometimes needed to fully cross a threshold. Hehe. Oh well, you live you learn. I'm glad to have crossed whatever paths I did, good or bad. Each helped me realise I love and respect myself and I want that to be set in stone. That comes before loving anyone else tbh. And I deffo want to love someone else too. For sure I want that. Plus in its own way it's kinda nice that I've only ever wanted to marry one person lol. I am a one man woman haha. So whatever, through all that shit atleast that one pillar never got diluted yessss. Lord, as I say this I just knooooow the one person I'll pick is someone similar to me with all these avoidant issues and commitment mindfuckery who I'll have to be patient asf with at times. But I guess there's beauty in that too tbh. It would be nice to find each other and weather these storms and high tides together as a team. Like that little dream post I wrote ages ago. How I want him to see me. Hehe. I'll find my place in his heart if it's the right person I'm sure of that. Not like I ever settle for the easy path.
~ I think in general...care is a pathway that requires work, respect, effort but is also rewarding and should feel free and open and happy. I'd like people in my life to feel free and happy in trusting me. I guess they all do as well hehe. I can take that as credited to me because I know I work hard to keep their trust and love from my side too. From the ground up, do yourself a favour and just reserve love and care for only those who do right by you from the get go. The right people are simply ones that are willing to make that effort, the rest just avoid. I know I will hereonout.
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Well, I'm glad that I can be happy loving my dysfunctional parents and friends lol. And baby bro... Since it's rakhi, it's actually true that I could not have asked for a better brother hehe. I love him to bits, think the world of him and want to be all elder protective sister whenever I can.
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Hehe. Fuck all the shit that happened up until last year. Imma let it go and just gently pivot to the foundations of a good future. Baggage optional.
And now to do away with philosophy and onwards to lose some chess games via cheap blunders and missed tactics. And overplaying hand. Because a day isn't complete unless you marvel at a shameful loss then proceed to outdo it. 💪 😬
Let's goooooooo!
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