Rains and cold air. How divine. ♥️♥️

😬

 My dumbass friends ahhahahahh love ittt

As bad as I felt this time, one thing I realised very deeply is... Who even acts this way? Getting offended at some random thing, then trying to pretend like... Oh you mean nothing to me... I'm so above you yada yada... Like I'm sorry but why so toxic? Lol. I don't even treat people I dislike with such meanness, let alone people I like. And I would never treat a friend like that. 

All I know now is that I cannot be subjected to this stuff any longer, it's just too toxic and for what reason even? That's the sad part, there is no reason to be this way. 

Your insecurities are not of my making and someone who thinks it's okay to send that line about vns and ignoring small work I produce, then follows it up with this random urge to show me how meaningless I am isn't exactly someone who is remotely nice, lol. 

This is just finding weird ways to be mean. Or maybe this is just who you are? I refuse to be around someone who thinks it's okay to treat people badly. 

Ugh. See I hate writing that. I hate that I'm also in return thinking mean thoughts here. Idk. I guess so much of this behaviour mirrors A, that it not only puts me on edge, it also induces a lot of panic in me. I cannot and will not put myself in harm's way. And it's not my responsibility to hold space for someone who refuses to show me equality or kindness to be honest. 

The sad thing here is that we are both adults... A normal, trusting conversation should be all that's needed to understand each other but it cannot always be some herculean task to do it. Something is simply wrong here if it takes this long and this much effort for things that should actually be natural. 

Whatever... Let me not rationalize or try to ascribe good intent to behaviour that has been thus far so utterly dismissive and mean towards me. I'll take this as a lesson to never include anyone who doesn't show me equality in my life again. First time I actually have to spell this out but here we are, guess it takes all sorts to make up this world. Imagine having to actually spell out that you wanted decency and respect lol. Heh. 

Hehe. This realisation is so tragic, I just wanna laugh. 

🏅🏅🏅

Well, I don't want anything anymore... Nothing in the world is worth feeling this way. And someone who thinks it's okay to treat me like I'm some thief that needs to forcibly be held at the periphery of his life lest I take something is not worth knowing either. It's so malevolent and mean and again ... Why even? Fuck dude.  Like I'm sorry but what even is this behaviour? All like kramniks. His stupid ass trust issues aren't of my making and here I am paying the price like fuck that. Not compromising my self respect for the sake for being understanding of his issues either like why tf should I be on the receiving end of meanness when I didn't do a single wrong thing to him? Problem with people who have a mindset like this is that they think everyone else is a problem but won't ever see what they do wrong. Guess it's easier to blame others than look at your own self and correct that. 🙄

Just idling with my feet up and hit 1945 blitz omg. I think it's my highest ever. Beat a 2000 twice today and that was the first time. And they asked for rematch 4 times so that felt nice too. Hehe. Small wins. 😍

~

Edit: 1951 🤭🤭

Omgomgomg. First time. ♥️

Periods really taking a toll on my body this time around damn. 

Everything hurts. :(

Djokovic

Fuck. What a match. What an absolute monster he is. Oh my god. No words man. Atleast this made me feel good somewhat lol. Yay for tennis. 

Lol. Okay will deal with life tomo fuck everything today just sleep 

Ngl, I really am hurt this time. And I'm tired of just being treated badly man. This is awful. I can't do this any longer. All of it just comes back. How awful it was to be told that line about vns, how it felt to have something as simple as a story just ignored, how bad it feels when every tiny thing about me just gets ignored repeatedly like why so mean? 

Shit. But it's true. This much meanness I just can't take and for what even? I don't even have anything left to say fuck. 

Lol. 

I don't know if you are horrible to everyone, but you have been to me. And if that was the goal, then mission accomplished, congratulations. 

Ugh. I can't do it anymore. I can't keep feeling devalued all the time. Nothing in the world is worth being around someone who refuses to treat you well. 

 Tf was that game between ding and magnus. 💀💀 

Bruh. Ding needs to prove the haters wrong and make a come back. I hope he does. Actually who even cares about the haters fuck them, he seems legit depressed and hopefully gets the help he needs to overcome it. Ugh. It's always sad to see someone down in the dumps. 

Fuck I hate seeing people sad, whoever they may be. V hurtful somehow. 

~

Oh man. Reading some article about how he actually is depressed and taking pills. Damn. Says Rapport helps him as a friend that is so utterly sweet. It's always great when you have a friend to lean on. Good to know some chess folks are decent not like the Fabis and hikis and nepos of the world. 

~

Maybe it's been the deep dive I've been doing lately, but I really value good friendships and trustworthy people. It's amazing that rapport despite being competitive himself is able to help out his friend. I love that. Just good to see some decent folks man. I kinda needed that. Lol. 

Yuck

Started seeing some game recap of Fabis and seeing his shitty face just reminded me of him dating 17yos and eww. What a cunt and how is this allowed and okay with people yuck yuck yuck I hate this guy

The worst thing you can do, when you are already getting pms and cramps ... Is to further listen to lectures about monstrous personality disorders lmao. 

Hooooeee leeee fuukkkk. 

And couple that with coffee and you have a wonderful recipe for feeling wired asf. Hahaha

It's like sitting and contemplating nonsense. Like okay cunts exist, big fucking deal. 

Be like the Irish. Flip off every can't with a U and pull an Aussie to boot with a g'day cunt. 

Salud. 

~

Oh and lady whose lectures I saw who kept giving me anxiety... Fuck you. So what if narcissists exist. You speak of them like they are voldemorts and not sad little people themselves. They don't get to dictate your future. Crush them and move on. Sheesh. So much fear mongering. 

~

My fundamental issue with even listening to these is actually just that you can't label every second asshole as someone who has no empathy. I know why I'm so rigid about observing whether someone has it or not. 

Hmmm. Well, it's honestly only because of that one night with A. Where he left me bleeding, and didn't check up on me even once. Then called me two days later and just acted like nothing happened and told me... You'll get used to it. 

That one instance made me very fearful because it was I guess the first time in my life I faced the idea that someone can harm you, and not even register that they did, let alone take accountability for it. I'm sure I'm not even judging it as harshly as I should actually be doing it. He was just a rebound and I would never actually settle for someone like him but it didn't help that knowing him made me so fearful either. Not just him but people like L, A etc... they were really harmful people and my innate assumption that people are fundamentally good just got destroyed knowing them. Giving me silent treatment, berating me, being mean or simply choosing to not acknowledge or get jealous of me at any moment I do well was quite toxic to deal with. I just don't want any of this any longer. 

And ever since then, that one thought in my mind is very paramount. And it's a simple thing. Who shows me empathy and care? Who is supportive and happy for me if I do well? These very simple things. Unfortunately these past experiences also made me be hyper alert around M too. He was the first new person I was befriending and I was very sure I didn't want any toxic traits in someone I wish to trust. 

And sometimes I don't know how right or wrong I was. When he gets all egoistic and starts to get dug in and a bunch of other things he did I didn't like to be honest. You can't conflate being sweet and caring to losing personal value which I feel he kinda does. Still, those are his demons and his battles I will not engage with them, he is older than me and he can choose to figure that out on his own or not. For my part, I don't want to straight up think extraordinarily harsh things about him due to it. But yes, what I will acknowledge is that he hasn't particularly been caring towards me. Didn't even respond to the story I wrote and it was a sweet thing I did which he didn't acknowledge. I lost some respect and care that day I think. And what's the worst that will happen? In the long run, behaviour like this only serves to lose any goodwill anyone has towards you. That's all. Seeking to invalidate someone is not a nice thing to do. 

However, it's also not fair for me to want him to feel safe with me and have a harsh take on him so I let the latter go and didn't let fear cloud my judgement after that day. Tiffs can happen, conflict is natural at times but it can't go to an extent that's deeply harsh either. That limit I will not break again, and should he do something that makes me feel horrible, I will let him go. I would like to be fair to myself too. And my feelings, my pride, my respect will not be compromised in a bid to accomodate someone. If you want to lose me this way, then so be it.  I will not stay around someone who doesn't treat me well. Sad that I have to spell out my bottom line even after two years of knowing him though. That's not good. 

~

I don't really want anything fancy in life. I don't care how much money someone earns, and I don't care about fancy corporate titles or anything of the sort. I care about people who are grounded, who try their best sure... But more importantly who are kind to others. Not fake kindness but something that's intrinsic. 

Some of the stuff she said was sooooo upsetting to be honest. Like they can never be happy for you, if you succeed they'll do everything to bring you down, atmost they'll just ignore any of your successes or anything about you that threatens their idea of themselves and fuck. It was exhausting and heartbreaking to hear. I don't think I can endure something like this ever, I'll simply die of the ensuing depression lmao. 

Yeah well, she is right about a lot of things in general though. Like I do not know how deeply ingrained being bad is in a person, but if someone lacks simple gestures like kindness, consideration... And those are easy to spot.  

~

Well, I'm not beholden to anyone and I will resign at the first red flag I see. People can be who they want to be, I have a duty to protect myself and I will see it through. I refuse to be around someone who invalidated me or isn't caring idgaf who they are. I owe that to myself and I will not let myself down here any longer. 

 

Periods about to arrive and everything seems so damn gloomy rn fuck. Just feeling depressed asf. :( just so hard to feel positive on days like these. 

William Blake

Have to see the whole thing but Great Art Explained has some of the best content out there. 

I find this guy hilarious... Hated church, monarchy, exploitation of workers, scientists and possibly everyone else too if he has time to think about it lmao. Man after my heart. Hahaha. 

Being acknowledged is one of the most important things to me tbh. If there's one thing that's a complete deal breaker for me, it's lack of appreciation and lack of these little things. And genuine acknowledgement, you can always tell when someone is being sincere. I was rereading the story I wrote for S, and how nice it felt when he and my friends all appreciated it. It's a small thing, but it meant the world to me. And the story for V, they all were so happy to see it and it felt nice. Even reading this Jolly's book rn and seeing the vid when it was revealed to Josh shows me the perfect kinda picture of camaraderie. It's not just about Josh appreciating the effort, but the acknowledgement of the love and care Ollie put in. And the thing I like about Josh too is how in his own way he shows a lot of care to his friend. That's so important. You can't just use people lol. 

Well, I'm glad slowly and steadily atleast I'm letting myself admit that there are certain things I consider important and those things I'm not willing to let go of. Just ends up feeling like emotional slavery without it to be honest. 

Heh... At this moment, I'm kinda feeling hurt about something. I know it will abate, but I don't want to forget the thing that made me feel bad. It's not worth it in life to be treated badly. And I should pay more attention to how I feel and not try to find excuses for why someone did that etc. The fact that I'm hurt, and there was no trace of care ever that I felt bad... That should take priority over everything else. Otherwise idk, it'll just be a pattern and I do not want such patterns in my life anymore. Someone who can rationalize or justify hurting you once, will probably keep doing it. I want niceness in my life. I'm not willing to compromise on that. Hehe. Guess I'm starting to be a lot more caring towards myself :)

My cousins bday today and just seeing so many folks being so nice to her. Makes me feel good. Bro is roaming around in Istanbul too, just random trips with friends. It's so nice to see people being happy. 

Heh. I want more of this stuff in my life. People who are good, who behave well and it's fun to be around them. 

And that sunshine just looks beautiful. 

Hehe... I love their friendship. It's so wholesome. M and I always talk about how they are doing all the bullshit we do, and that we should cristen ourselves Merry. Heh. 

Waited for ages for this to be shipped, but now it's here and she loved it. Promised her I'll write one for her too someday haha. I loooove turning my friends into characters and writing something that brings out their innate goodness. It gives me a lot of joy especially as something about the act also helps me understand exactly how I view them. ♥️

I remember the one I wrote for S, that was one of the best ones. But he was also a great character, so quirky. And for so many over the years too. All of them loved it. 

I'll do a small series when I get time for her, or maybe try it as a comic strip of sorts. Hmmm. Okay, keeping a pin in it. 

I'm dying to actually read this cuz I know Ollie has a wonderful way with words but I haaave to stop myself. Curses!

Finally finished the series by that lady omg. Some of the stuff she called out really struck a cord. The bits about never being happy for you... Always turning the conversation into something about themselves. Dayum. That's very true. Like I remember once when I said I went for a run and this dude was like I walked 4 kms. I kept wondering why he turned everything into something about himself. 

The athlete that was talking to her said yeah I got the chance of a lifetime to represent the US in the Olympics and I shared it with my partner and the response was ... " I wish my career was going well ". Man, it's crazy how invalidating that must have been but also crazy that it can happen to a person like him. One of the things even I notice and register as a red flag now is who is happy for me and who acknowledges something I do, vs who doesn't. Esp when I was writing the stories it definitely made a difference in my mindset when I saw, but mostly my friends and family are great and they all came through hehe. 

The thing is... In isolation all these traits kinda seem childish, which they are. It's just like some kid that's unable to focus on anyone but themselves. But when you see it in adults it's scary. Like Rublev losing his mind on the courts. Just the idea that someone is thaaaat lacking in self control is so messed up. Even if tantrums are childish, seeing a grown man do it is another level of crazy. Pretty sure Rublev is a complete nutter too, much his kinda violent behaviour is absolutely a no no. 

Sometimes I feel like even people like bweh try therapy, will it ever make any difference? Cuz it this is who you are after having done it... Then what is there to even say? Like how much worse were you? 

To paraphrase that lady... Can't give someone congrats for making it from completely unhinged to somewhat unhinged lol. 

Hmmm. It is quite scary dude. Seeing Zverev's trial and Rublev behaving this way... Just feels like men with anger issues are best avoided. You can't love them or fix them, they'll just harm you. Was seeing the ball kid's reactions and I'm sure it's horrid to be faced with someone violent like that. Makes me wonder how much worse it must be for people who grow up in those households fuck. 

Okay don't want to think this early morning lol. Nvm. Fuck you rublev you complete nutjob