Hot summary day and I'm so happy to just wear a dress and chill hehe. Something about the feel of cotton on skin is so nice. 

Ediz Gurel

Ediz Gurel made GM wuuuut... Omg. I'm actually happy for the kid. Got super excited seeing that, Dayum. My first instinct was to text this dude then I remembered everything and didn't. Wtf yo. Ugh. Lol. Okay forget it. Just remember that cold hearted "feel better", and the fact that he didn't flinch while hurting you, easier to deal lolol. People who are kind and empathetic are worth their weight in gold, rest is all bullshit. And as you grow older, you realise that decency, honesty, respect are values that can't be taught, they are inherent. And let's be honest. Even if it's not racism, at the end of the day you were the one that took a shot on him after that post accused him of shitty things, you spent time and energy trying to make him feel better, you have never once asked for anything except one book reco atmost and you've always been supportive and kind. The right sort of person has the maturity to understand  and appreciate these things and they won't just be cruel and dismissive towards you in return. Something that should have made him happy... Instead made him chicken out and try to find excuses. Just means that he doesn't mind using your niceness but can't offer any in return, not even once. Even if not race driven, it's still rock bottom behaviour and he should be ashamed of himself. So idk, shitty as it is, accept that this is who he is. People who view women as suspicious... Like he and his friend do... Will never learn to appreciate any one being good to them but rather just look for reasons real or fantasy to discredit and demean them. Which is what he did to you. There's no value in that. His friend ironically is a lot nicer and kinder to the girl he is seeing. Maybe in the long run, he will turn out right and fix himself. I hope he does. I believe people can do the right thing, but they have to learn to themselves. It's possible that someone screwed over M and he has trust issues, but I'm not the one who caused it and it's unfair that I pay the price. I'm just someone who happened to meet someone and was nice to him from the get go, not my fault what happened prior to knowing me, and not my burden to bear here. Everything else is just noise. Even now, I'm operating out of kindness and consideration and not malice. I've never bad mouthed him to anyone nor will I, but I owe it to myself to only have people who treat me well in my life. I guess I do have empathy for him, all things considered. Anyway, these sad notes need to end once and for all now. Enough. Onwards and upwardssss.

I have been lucky and cherished most of my life so that's something to definitely be grateful for. I'm glad I've had positive experiences tbh. Maybe that's why it's taking me so long to admit the truth to myself. My mind refuses to believe that someone can be so bad towards me and keeps looking for loopholes to excuse their behaviour. Hmmm. 

Eff it. I will never end up with a narcissist nor will I end up with someone who treats me badly ever. Friendship or otherwise. Gotta release that fear once and for all. It happened once, it won't happen again and the fear is just exaggeration in my mind because of its aftermath. No need to worry, I've always known how to have my own back when push comes to shove so it's okay, I'll be fine. Going forward, shite will not happen to me. 

Anyhoo...But good for you lil kid, I'd spammed your cute small face to humanize you haha. Would love to see more of you in years to come! ♥️

Started playing rapid. Oh the horror. So painful every loss is. Tried ranking few games just to get used to losing lol. Counter the fearrr

Shitposting

 “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”

This is by far a stupid fucking quote but just imagining Steve Martin saying it and I can't stop laughing. Fuckz. 

Going for a comedy show soon woohoo. Hope it's good. Need some laughs zomggggg

Talking to Di and it seems she almost ODed on some prescription meds wtf. What even is that fuck?! I'm glad she is safe. This is horrid. How does a medical practitioner just prescribe this. Plus opioids in the meds too. Man, medication in the US is crazy strong. I felt like scolding her lots too who tf takes that many pills? PhD from and Ivy uni and doing this bs. Lol. My friends are all loco. Ffs. 

Was on a call with her for hours, it's nice we have found our groove. I like talking lots so it's kinda fun to just bs late night hehe. Been urging me to go date people I'm so in hermit mode I just escaped that convo lol. Gotta protect myself lmao. Man, idk if I'll ever like someone again, people have been guttingly disappointing that I've just got a bit of a fear now. Well, it'll lift someday. Just takes someone being nice and sweet to counter all else I guess. Or atleast that's the hope. 

Oo and women's day today. Lol only mom wishes noone else cares about these days.

Bro's bday on the 9th. Omg. He is turning 30. Dayum man. Hehe, I love him so much. That ass is sending me skincareover30 links hahaha. I want to go visit him soon too. Been ages since I saw him. ♥️ 

The first person I have been protective of in my life, and one that I will always be. Forever. 

👾

Watching the starry sky set to Emancipator

How utterly gorgeous. I love night time. I love the stars. And I secretly wish a nice lil alien would come befriend me. Take me away, we can float along the edge of the universe. Don't be shy lil guy. I know not how to bite. 

Naivety

My friend says I'm just v naive. I think it's true. Like. Idk man. I think I'm just a horrible judge of character and have some weird tendency to see the best in people. I'm not sure what to do but it does nothing for my trust issues lol. Maybe need to have better filters but I don't really know how to create them. 

You know. My friends have such a harsh take on M. Say he is sexist, possibly racist etc. and I don't know dude. Like I don't want to be the kind of person who has to think these thoughts about someone. But at the back of my mind it's always striking my that his bff is a guy who calls black folks racist slurs and he chooses to hang out with him constantly. And my friends say it's just birds of a feather and that they might actually be very similar if they are friends. Which is usually true right. I mean, I wouldn't be friends with someone who degrades people unless I also enjoy doing the same. So idk what to think. And what that girl said... Maybe that's how they view women from other countries too right. I just never realised that might be how he must see me. Wow. Lol. This realisation just makes me sick to my stomach. 

Lol. All this is so sad man. And after all the care and affection I felt for him, it's just a bad taste in the end. I'm done getting my feelings hurt though. And honestly if someone has these racist notions towards me, they can fuck off. I don't need this demeaning, degrading shit in my life. It feels like the casteism that happens in India. Just feels so utterly gross. How can the spectrum for a person just be such that I can't actually find one single nice thing he has said or done for me? And it extends from this much pettiness to idk racism straight up?! That's not good. Much like his friend, he will consistently screw over people who had his back. Or maybe that's limited to just screwing over women. Even his friend has some severe issues with women despite the fact that it was a woman who raised him and his dad fucked him over. I don't think it's worth it in the end to just get screwed over the way he did me. And for no reason. He isn't the person I thought he was and being mean comes so easy to him that in the end he will never have my back. Actually no, I trust that he would screw me over and never come through even once. Lol. In that he has been nothing but consistent. Ironically, exactly like his friend who he holds dear. The guy who didn't hesitate to come by and openly talk about hitting on minors a day after that shitshow long back - just to taunt him and make fun of him in public, who denies knowing him to his racist buddies and in general hides the fact that he knows him to actual people he knows irl is his bff. One that openly tells an entire crowd of folks that his friends don't like him and think he is exploitative. All of which is just vindictive and deliberate. Karma. You hide the people who actually were loyal to you and the ones who aren't, are your closest friends. Lol. Well, good for you. 

In the end, it's who you chose, so good luck. 🤷‍♀️ And who you choose is always a reflection of who you are at the end of the day. So idk. Mirror mirror I suppose.

Meh... I'm not going to sit and sweat this any longer tbh. People always have a choice to do the right thing or not to do it and eventually you just gotta find ones who make the right choice for you. And I don't need the ones who don't. I don't care anymore. 

Got cocky and promptly hung my queen. Serves me right lmao. Do not celebrate until there is something to celebrate lol

Arthur C. Clarke on Bach

"Thereafter, he played only instrumental music. He started with the romantic composers, but shed them one by one as their emotional outpourings became too oppressive. Sibelius, Tchaikovsky, Berlioz, lasted a few weeks, Beethoven rather longer. He finally found peace, as so many others had done, in the abstract architecture of Bach, occasionally ornamented with Mozart. / And so Discovery drove on toward Saturn, as often as not pulsating with the cool music of the harpsichord, the frozen thoughts of a brain that had been dust for twice a hundred years"

~

Space Odyssey.

~

It's true. While I love some of the romantic composers, Bach truly does have my heart. His music is just spellbinding, especially the lifts. Grandeur in structure, as I've thought of before. I legitimately bow to thee. 

 I hate chess. I do. Mofo one wrong move and just got fucking annihilated and just want to fucking scream. 

After a long long time... I was in a space where people were just nice to me. Fuck. I felt so overcome by it. The bar is so on the floor lol. I can't do without this kind of sweetness though. I can't believe I was so starved for just basic decency. Wtf.

It's high time I streamlined life and not allow for respect to be off the table. Idk wtf I was thinking up till now but it's time to not allow for bullshit to enter my space anymore. 

Gutted as I am... By all the realisations I've had this week, I need to just collect myself and not let anyone be this disrespectful towards me ever again. I acknowledge that it's the first time in life I've been in a position where I've faced this type of prejudice and it feels godawful. But I can't change it. So I have to accept that people like that exist. That's all. 

Having a conversation with some folks and man they are so smart and interesting.

Nice. I had missed these conversations and company tbh. One of them seems to be hitting on me and I'm edging away. That's the only part that makes me uncomfortable tbh. I love these convos but gotta make sure people know my boundaries. 

But I must say... Nothing draws me in like someone who is intelligent, and a total go getter. Feels alive. 

I missed this vibe tbh. Hehe, why was I even bothered about anything, I'll find the best peeps whenever I go, of this I'm sure. 

And I'm done with M man. He is not worth it at all tbh

 Went for a long drive. Feels a lot better now. :)

Well, tomo is another day

Shit dude... I don't know what to think. The idea that someone might be viewing me with a lens that's so awful is so horrible I don't know how to release this thought from my mind. And yet, he is the same person that tells his friend to talk to girls in diff poor countries to get experience. I found it off then and now I realise it's cuz he must believe they'll be interested because of the diff in their nationalities. The idea that he can think I'm like that is so idk. I have never been subjected to this kind of bias. And yet, when push came to shove he assumed that I meant call me on insta which means he didn't think sharing his number with me was something he could do. A number he shares with every Tom Dick and Harry on his work but they are all white right. Lol. Fuck dude. To think someone can be so prejudiced and think of me with such prejudice and all this while I assumed we were friends. The fact is, he probably just thinks of me as those women he tells his friend to practice on, no investment, just returns types right. Fuck. How can someone be this horrid? How can someone just take my entire being and just put it in a trashcan like that? Lol. I'm so incredibly hurt. When I came across him for the first time, I was so wary. And he made me feel like I could relax which is why I even said hello. Why play me this way? I hope to god that he is an actual narcissist. That would be a lot better than him not being one and just being deliberate this way cuz idk what kind of monster you need to be to even treat someone like that. 

Idk what to do. I just feel so incredibly stabbed and this just hurts me if I even let myself think about it.

I have never been in this position in my life...never. but for the first time I feel so dirty... Like my insides feel dirty and gross and it just won't abate. 

Hmmm. Fuck it. I know my conscience is clear and I know how much niceness and care I genuinely showered on him. So at the end of the day, it's not my fault and it's not something I should make myself feel bad over. Next time, just have to make sure that respect is the cornerstone of any equation and friendship I cultivate. Life does have a way to bringing you unpleasant experiences, but at the very least find people who do right by you, I would do it for them, so I'm sure people like that do exist and I just need to ensure I'm respected from the start. Can't change the nature of the world, but you can choose who you include in your world.

Plus... I think I've taken enough hits. This is not worth it like I just. I don't think I've ever felt this horrible in my life.  

Edit:

Lol, found this pic and this is who I am. And I'll never let that change. 

Life's too short to let someone's views tarnish my inherent loving heart and one day someone worthwhile will receive all that I have to give and meet me the right way and be glad he did. And I will love you to the moon and back for ever and ever. ♥️

Hurt

That Christmas scene in Harry Potter keeps haunting me. 

Being out in the cold while looking into a window where people are warm and happy and all I can do is look. 

Ugh. Ever since I can remember, this has been the one defining memory that always made me feel like an outsider and today after so many goddamn years I feel exactly this way. :(

I'm just so hurt I can't even idk. I want to run away. Fuck I feel so fucking bad rn. It's all crashing down on me and it feels just so sick. 

I hate this feeling. I hate it. And I simply don't want to be out in the cold all the time, I'm just so done with this bullshit. And I never, ever want to feel this way again. 

Damn. Of all the twists and turns life can put you through, I never thought I'd be feeling the way I am today. And I'm genuinely just tired.

All I ever fucking wanted to do was make you smile and you just... You fucking asshole you absolute fucking asshole. For once I just want to cuss you out so bad and even now the words don't form because I can't let myself be mean to you even though in this very moment I so want to be. And I want to hate you so bad. I really do. 

Fucking bullshit.

Tomo is another day, I'll pick myself up then. Tonight, I'm gonna cry my eyes out and hopefully this shitty feeling abates. 

 🤮

Yuck bro. Just yuck. 

This fucking prevalent opinion that people from not rich countries are just scamming is so fucking unsettling and gross to me. Way to degrade someone's entire identity down to nothing and turn it into a fucking joke. 

Yuck.

I'm so utterly disgusted by it all. The worst part of it is how it just so demeaning. So many people I know... Absolute rockstars, top of their game, always building something amazing. And yet all of them at some point or the other have been reduced to their colour and country of origin and it's so fucking humiliating and sickening. 

I am genuinely so repulsed rn. 

Aaa

Whatever fuck it.

I'm going out and doing something fun screw this shit