Is Tom being Petty?

One of the first songs I loved. Learning to Fly

Still holds up for me. And reminds me of the basketball court hehe

Whew

Feeling so blah. Lol. Everything is so gloomy.

OOOF

Take my heart, take it already!! A 21 min version and every beat so damn good. Love is when music goes straight into your soul, no deviations 🏹

Used to be

That you and me

 

Something something

Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeahyeah

I wanted to stayyyyy

I wanted to playyyyyy

I wanted to Loooveeee youuuuuuuu 

😭♥️💔♥️

Hmmm

Slept for 12 hours and still waking up feeling tired. Wtf 😶

Fiddlesticks

Here's a little something they taught you naught

If you get a fiddle leaf fig

It's very hard to take care of.

JUST LIKE EVERY SECOND HUMAN I KNOW

All I ever want is for people to just communicate with me lol. That's usually just it, na? All my fears and theatrics just stem from the fear that a person chooses to leave me in the dark. Lmao. Such a small thing to correct, yet it builds into a mountain and I start distancing when I feel the other person is keeping away from me. I'm sure a lot of that might be in my head but come onnnn in the larger scheme of things it's a small fucking Achilles heel of mine so just fix it for me, someone. 🙄

This is why I like Di, she just calls and texts on her own so I know she wants me around. Lol, and she is texting as I type this, right on cue ♥️

Nepoleon's Tomb

Baby bro is in Paris and sent me a pic from Nepoleon's Tomb. Fuck, it's so unsettling. Just made me want to vomit the minute I saw it. 

It even triggered my memory of Man's search for meaning. Idk how to even describe it, but that book has stayed with me forever. There was a line about " you want to stamp out what you find disgusting ". It was so horrifying to read. And the part where he talks about how people just forgot after a couple of years. Man. 

Sometimes my heart just bleeds when I see so much suffering, so much hurt, so much pain in the world. I hate it. I wish I could take it all away. From everyone. When I was a kid, seeing someone else upset used to make me mirror their emotion and instantly want to make them feel better. A funnily selfish act maybe, because I was seeking to relieve myself of the burden as much as I was them. A lot of my fears have stemmed from the fact that there are truly awful people out there, ones that have no empathy. I've brushed up against one such person in my life and it's one of the most unnatural things I've ever experienced. ( Steer clear of narcissists, Amen. )

Over the years, I've realised that I'm very attuned to people's sensitivities and their perception of what they define as inadequate in themselves. Maybe that's why I have always tried to look for the best in everyone and highlight it for them whenever I do happen to see it. Lol, I do that for others and yet I can't seem to do that for myself sometimes. I have perceived myself as inadequate forever, and I'm old enough to understand that it was environmental factors that drove home that point for me daily. It's easier to articulate but not as easy to internalise I guess. I think that's part of the reason why I also want to create a diff environment for people who come in contact with me, like make sure even if it's a small thing, they can see clearly what makes them special. And there always are things that do, but other insecure folks just try to stamp it out of you. Whatever, idc what others do, I'll make like Ronaldo and pull in the other direction all by myself if I have to. Even if it's a tiny bit, I hope whoever comes around the periphery of my life has a positive experience, in whatever capacity. 

Untangled

Yeah, just that lol. Waiting for the weekend so I can go for a nice long drive. I think I want to go by myself this once. I actually want to go for a trek by myself, just climb some rocks and be around nature. 

It's funny that I used to be an extrovert, but slowly I've become very comfortable just being by myself. But I guess it's just a way to integrate both my sides. In lieu of quality conversations, I'd rather spend my time doing what I like. Di was telling me someone blocked her on insta and it reminded me of why I chose to delete socials so long back. I guess it's the noise of so many people that tends to be unsettling. In a small way, I wanted to have the freedom to discover who I am and who I like being without the opinions of others, so a fresh start was ideal. I've learnt to discern who to give my energy to, and where to hold back or completely cut off. It's probably still a bit of a work in progress but I'm sure I'll get it right by trial and error eventually. 

I should stop with the negative self talk though. Like...I'm sweet, I'm kind, I do my best for people, I'm smart, have a decent humor and am fairly knowledgeable. I do bring a lot to the table, I deserve niceness and I think I need to surround myself with people who see that in me, who are secure enough in themselves to be able to appreciate it and are welcoming. Create the right kind of feedback loops. Plus I have reached a point where I'm kinda tired and I can't make room for those who don't make an effort. So if you want to go, then just go. I won't stand in the way. But I'm done carrying all the load by myself, I'm not doing it anymore. And for once, I mean it. I'm happy to make people a priority and I'm happy to be loving towards them, but they have to meet me halfway and show me they care directly as well. I'm not settling for less, whoever it is. Tis what it is.

Chores

The bane of my existence. Pointless, mundane time consuming chores. 

Bleh

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Ever since I can remember, Free Fallin was one of my most fav comfort songs. And funnily enough, the Mayer version is one that I love a tad bit more than the original. 

Want to wriiiite her, 

Name in the skyyy

I think it's the idea of being free and taking the leap and not caring a hoot. I've always wanted to do that. 

And I'm freeee

Free fallinnnn

Plato's Symposium

What a fucking brilliant book. Oh man. Read all night long almost after so damn long. Very very immersive. I don't even know how many more times I gotta read it to fully absorb it but I can't wait to deep dive into Plato more! I realise that I enjoy philosophy that deals with the structures of the world and governance more than personal power and dilemmas. Probably why I respect Machiavelli but despise Nietzsche. The difference between optimising and doing what's needed v needless arrogant power mongering lol. 

Hmmm. I kinda like the dialectic way to flesh out an idea, Dosto does the same but pretends it's a book lol.  Haha, I love how little Dosto cared about plots and structures or anything flashy. Something about the sheer authenticity of his drive makes me respect him a lot. 

Anyway, let me read more. So much to absorb. 

#41

So pretty. Can you do any wrong, Mr. Dave? I think not. And the sax, oof! Just divine

Shaaake it off 🐕

You know what I'm like? I think I'm like a dog that gets gloomy when out in the rain, then suddenly the rain stops and I shake it off and start trotting around all merry again. I can spend months being stuck in limbo and then swoosh, it'll be brushed off in one fell swoop, never to bother me again. That's kinda cool, but just gotta make the gloom periods shorter.

David's proposal

Oh man, was watching that episode of S's Creek and Patrick just proposes to David. And David goes... " are you sure?" And Patrick just says " easiest decision of my life " ♥️

Man, so touching. This is exactly how it should be. No hesitation, loving that person's presence in your life and genuinely wanting to include them in yours to build something together. I love it, and I'm going to wait until I find that exact feeling for myself too. No more Harry Potter Christmas nightmares scenes haunting me, I'll be inside the home with warmth and love. My tiny slice of happily ever after.

Until then, imma shower my love on this beautiful grilled cheese in front of me omggg love itttt! 

Sometimes I wonder why I make the decisions that I do. But if I trace it back it's more or less so I can untangle whatever knots existed in my thinking. It's like there are two distinct sides to me, one that is easy going, fun loving and brash. The other is insecure, limiting and consequently putting self imposed obstacles in the way of the other side to take the lead. And yet the back of my mind has always had this firm belief and an eternally sunlit faith that everything will be okay. 

So idk guess this is a roundabout way of saying I'm theatrical asf. * Adjusts monocle* 

Edit: you know what, screw it, why tf should I let any self imposed beliefs hamper me? Can't believe how stupid and self indulgent I sounded while telling myself that. Fuck it, I like the way I was late last year and early this year. It was fun, and I felt free and happy. Why tf did I lose my way suddenly? Didn't work for 3 straight years on myself to entertain such negative self talk, did I? Sheesh. Get back up woman, no excuses! 

Also, SHELLY TAKE A SETTTT COME ONNNNNNNNNNNN! FIIIGGGHTTT! BREAK DJOKO LETS GOOOOOOOOOO

Omg I'm so excited lol

Honey

Saw it on an ep of S's Creek and dammit, I really like this word so much. Never had someone use all these affectionate terms, but I like the sound of this one a lot. Especially just used casually, like it's a habit. Maaaan, I'm sooo mushy on the inside lmao. Just give me affection and like a dog I'll just be wagging my tail and scampering around all happy. I jest, and yet this isn't even too far off from the truth. 🙆‍♀️