Felt really blue the last few days and I suppose I know why lol. Think I'll just go for a trek or something. Been so long.

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Heh. I suppose I always take the time to understand why something had to be thus and end up trying to figure some things out. But maybe there's no point in that. Maybe I've just never learnt to be receptive. And I know why that is too. I can't go back in time and change that so it is what it is. But I suppose I can do that hereon out. There's no point in being understanding if it comes at your own expense anyway and I don't want to anymore. Hehe. I wish I had never experienced that thing last year. I really do. But can't change it. How I feel doesn't matter anyway so like whatever.

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I guess I never again want to revisit a space where it feels like even the idea that I could be treated well just evaporates. It's like I gave up on expecting even the bare minimum and it never once changed. I'm sure that's a lot worse than I can even put to words but yeah. I should definitely not go back to that space or allow for the possibility of some phantom hope. Let's deal with things as they are, and the way they are... Yeah not good at all. Absolutely inexcusable. 

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Let's just go with what Rafa says. If, if, if... Doesn't exist. That's solid life advice. So I guess no more wondering. Let's just focus on what does exist and take it from there. 

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Meh. Let's go shopping and then do something fun with S this weekend. Or go play somewhere might be nice. Anyway he said he is coming to Whitefield so might as well catch up. Actually was quite fun last time too tbh. Nice. 

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Maaaan i'm just waking up again and again and again ughhh. Can't sleep yet tired and eyes hurt. 💀💀💀💀. Vanity pls save me.