Been woozy and in bed for two days now wtf. Watching random yt is all I can do between sleeping lol.
A vid on bpd popped up on my feed jeez. There is no way this is a real disorder like what the fuck. It really feels surreal how can someone just change their emotions in a matter of minutes? Lol. It probably wouldn't even be acceptable in my country so never encountered it. They'll just label you unhinged or something. Man, the self awareness aspect is just zero in some places haha.
Fuck, but I can't imagine someone having to live with such an erratic person. I've grown up hating extremes of emotions esp if they are directed at me or are in my vicinity also. I prefer chill folks and peace. But this bpd thing seems insane. Haha. When I was friends with A, I remember how henpecked I felt around her, she always had this way of being controlling by throwing massive fits. Blocking me if I did something she didn't like, always threatening to end friendship whenever she was upset, which she was a lot. And over stupid things like those dumb ed sheeran song lyrics holy hell. That led to 3 months of blocking... What I hated about that equation was how utterly powerless I felt in the face of someone going ballistic. I just hated it, it felt like I'm constantly on eggshells hoping I don't do anything to set them off. Maybe that's why I never reconnected or went back to that friendship. But even so, I would not term her as bpd etc she was hypersensitive asf. And she was one of the most soul wringing, controlling asf person to be around. I can't even imagine how much worse this bpd thing is like. This just seems toooo bad.
M also said he dated someone with it. Idk if I fully believe him if truth were told. His own behaviour towards me was so dismissive and nasty that I think it's a real possibility he might have just been supremely uncaring and hurt that person lots, then blamed them. It's sad but I do feel it's a distinct possibility. But then again, if he haaaates strong emotions like I do, or has a history of feelings henpecked then it probably makes him also feel like he is backed in a corner. Damn, I never considered that tbh. And I have had some harsh asf takes about him too. 💀 And people don't jump to being so fearful unless they feel like they need to guard something. Which incidentally I probably picked up on and got more irritated like if you feel the need to be guarded around me then just don't be around me who con me into staying? That's just unfair and using me then conveniently acting like oh no my boundaries when it doesn't suit your needs. Yeah, see that's just cheap. I don't know if I will ever forgive this on my own tbh.
Heh, interestingly he usually came by to read stuff for 3 odd years so I wonder how that feels to someone to be privy to such a window. I was happily hating on him also before I knew he was around lol. I don't know. I get that strong emotions can scare him, as they do me. Haha but it's funny to think of him spying and then getting rekt also. Lmao. Of all the stupid shit to do in life. A comedy of errors and terrors. And I was also fresh off of that shit show of J etc so deffo not my usual peachy self. Hehe... Honestly it would make for a nice plot, just two people scaring the fuck out of each other, each with random fears that inform their behaviour but all because of past bs. Hahah. I think there's potential for some situational comedy here. A lot of my annoyance also stemmed from knowing his antics and then his deliberate uncaringness so find it hard to forgive that. I never trespassed on him, even stopped following after I realised he hid sreya etc. And then just left altogether. I know it was suddenly, but I guess I had been hurt enough esp that grandmom thing and post that just seeing him brag about talking to some woman like yeah no thanks. So yeah, I guess it doesn't matter what his past was to me tbh, these actions towards me were very shitty and there was not even so much as an apology or anything that's remotely sweet. I know he never wanted me to exit so suddenly, but he didn't do anything nice then or subsequently either. So what to say? Streak of uncaringness simply continues, stopping by 1000 times in a bid to hide tracks is more bs only. Doesn't count for anything good.
Sometimes I legit feel if you are so mean to people you can't be surprised if the only ones who do end up around you are the kinds to tell you you aren't a real man and such horrible things. Like nice folks will eventually just filter you out and leave. Noone can withstand uncaring behaviour forever. Why do you insist on just being a lesson people learn is beyond me. I'm sorry he or anyone in the world might have had to hear that, but I'm also sorry for anyone who had to experience his brand of meanness too. He should take an honest look at how he behaves tbh.
Oh well. Not my circus, not my monkeys. And bpd seems like hell worse than NPD jeez. Ok no not worse both suck ass. Begone, monsters! Shoo!
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Heh. I've always been slow to make changes. Leaving or threatening to is never a bargaining chip in my life, I try my best and I do expect reciprocal effort. In fact, I take forever to leave people. Even this time, my entire standoff is simply stemmed from wanting to know I matter, esp when I choose to make someone else feel safe. I'm tired of shortchanging myself. And wondering if someone is racist or attempting to hide me from other women etc isn't my scene. None of this aligns with my values. Man, and seeing that post about calling someone accessed just... Like learn to respect people the right way not all this manipulation yo. It's not right to always just chicken out and take some easy route and drop hints and manipulate. No more easy ways out where you get to hide motives. I refuse any and all manipulations. Meh.
Plus I don't fancy being in some perpetual struggle to get someone to do something basic and nice for me only for them to act as if you are asking them to part with something precious. It comes off as extremely entitled and I feel like they get the excuse to play some sort of a victim wherein oh look now she wants this woe is me etc for something that's bare minimum. Haha woe is me...she might know about all the other women I'm stringing along... etc. I'm sure that's also part of it. Lmao. 🤢🤢🤢🤢
Ok pathetic I don't want to be a part of any of this muck yuck. Bottom line is simply if you can't be nice to me directly then I'm out.
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