Google Pics

Threw up yet another decade old gem lmao. Why are all my friends such assholes hahaha, loved fucking with me so much! 

🤣🤣

Told my friend my mum wanted to drag me to some formal lunch which I declined ( more like escaped ), and then I was stabbed lmao. Such assholery haha, love it.

Ps - I AM A SOCIAL DELIGHT,  FIGHT ME 🤺

Well

Spoke lots to M, she seems fine now. Hopefully shit gets sorted out soon enough. 

In other news, I am so sleep deprived even coffee isn't helping ffs 😩

Bruh

I found something out about C and told M. Damn. I'm so sorry but fuck. I don't know what she will do now. I just feel really bad about it. It's like just when life seemed to be sorting itself out it does this weird thing. I'm sure she feels very betrayed. 

Ugh. Why can't either of us find trustworthy people this is so fucked up! Made me realise even I'm taking too many things for granted about people. :( It's so weird when someone doesn't share a thing about themselves even when they know you. Idk man, I can't do this distrust thing again. And I hope whatever it is, she figures it out too. Just wish she didn't have to deal with it fuck fuck fuck. :(

I really need life to streamline itself one way or another for both of us, I'm tired of second guessing. 

Why the fuck are people so goddamn secretive and complicated like sheesh just have the courage to be open and direct, ffs! Can't be that hard unless ofcourse you are a wuss of the highest order!

Aaaaa. Feel like yelling at someone. 

Fam

Mum came to visit, got me some stuff and a pineapple to boot. How sweet, except I'm allergic to it. And she didn't remember that. Then promptly forgot that I quit eating meat 4 years ago smh. It's like everything about me is invisible to her lol. 

Oh well, atleast my friends seem to have a sense of humor about it : D.

Can't choose the family you are born in, but you can choose the rest ❤️ 

Featured

Yaaay C got featured in a mag for start up co-founders. Damn happy for him. It's pretty cool to get press. He was telling me how tough it is to acquire funding esp for hardware startups cuz they are burn through cash so damn fast. But good shit. Wish the coverage was a bit more edited though, what the hell is with the weird ass typos sheesh. It's so annoying when people don't do their jobs right. Lol. Anyway, saving for later perusal. M seems happy too, she was saying finally they are getting money in the company and better deals. Love it when friends do well, GOOD STUFF! 

Growing up

Was talking to M today and asked her about C. He has all but started living with her lol. So she was telling me about the challenges that come with it for her. It was interesting, she is so aloof and stoic that sharing a space with someone definitely makes her a bit antsy. But on balance it seems to be going well. I'm glad. It's been a while since her divorce, and back in college and thereafter she never dated someone nice. I don't even know how she came out of that marriage without feeling shitty cuz my god that dude just sucked. I wish I'd had the courage to tell her how much I hated that guy back then. He seemed like such a jerk, I hated him from the moment I looked at him. But I guess we weren't  as close then. Weird how I choose people who are closed up and stick around till we get comfortable with each other. I'm glad I put in so much effort with her, she would have just meandered a lot more if I hadn't I feel. She told me how much of an impact it made back when I used to ensure I call her and keep badgering her to move on with her life. I didn't realise what I was doing instinctively could be so meaningful to someone. It makes me very happy to hear that though, she is such a gem, an absolute diamond. I hope life finds a happy ending for her from now. She has slowly build up herself over these last few years, and I find a lot of strength and inspiration in that. Plus I can just trust her so implicitly. Finding the ability to trust has been such a hard task in my life, but I'm glad now I only have people I care about around me. 

I love you M, you're one of the best people in my life, you make me so comfortable and okay being myself and I'm so glad we are friends! Funny how much both C and I dote on her, we literally cherish her to bits lol. I want that in my life too, cuz I'm sure I'll be the one to dote on them and it would be nice to have that returned. I don't want it to be imbalanced here on out cuz it's really nice feeling like you are cherished. :) Guess that's one of the feelings of safety I'm also looking for. I think I'll just commit instantly the minute I feel that, until then I'll probably just be guarded. But it's okay, I need to have that filter, because I want to commit for good anyway, so if it takes time then it takes time. 

M - you were one of the unlikely ones, and yet time did it's thing and made sure we find a cocoon of our own, even though we are so different. But I understand now that having a similar value system is paramount to any relationship. I hope our equation just goes from strength to strength, cuz it's crazy how much we have grown together. ♥️

Cherry cherry cherry on 🔝

I played M in a game today, was sooo nice. He went so easy on me and I lost ofcourse but was epic fun. Guess he isn't mad about me raging last night haha. Good. It's hard to gauge reactions just over text, or even intent tbh. So idk how much of what I say gets translated as what. Oh well, better he learn to deal with it now itself lol. There's many things I can change about myself but worrying about someone and subsequently annoying them about it doesn't seem to be one of them. Too bad M, and good luck. ^⁠_⁠^ ( I'm not even ashamed of saying this )

Idk why but I suddenly realised today that underneath the rage monster he claims to be, he is a total softie. I'm sure he tries to hide that side lots. I think his semi trash talk made me realise it, he kept it so sweet and funny, I basically melted. 

Hmmm..I'd actually like to hear him go hard with the trash talk with some strong opponents, that would be very, very interesting. 

Come to think of it, even I'd love to take him on in a battle of wits, I'm dying to probe how well he holds his ground lol. Not in a serious way, cuz I know he would DIE if thought he was being actually challenged, and lord help us if he thought he was losing lmao. Fuck hahahah. He would just get sooooo obscenely competitive. Every fibre in his being would get dug in at the thought. :⁠-⁠D. It would be hard to get along if that happened. I don't think he knows how competitive I can be, and yeah, you can't peacefully coexist if you turn things into a win- lose scenario. However, I doo want just a teeny bit of verbal jousting to know what mischief he hides up those sleeves. I bet there's some fun stuff there, but I guess not in front of other people. You gotta be on your best behaviour in front of them, sadly. I wanna talk to him and hear it 1:1, without those stupid public facades. It's a bit irritating to have to be semi formal in front of other people, but I guess it's a necessity. So fine, whatever.

All in all, a fairly interesting day - today. May there be mo mo moooohh! 

Men

Won't sleep peacefully until they worry the crap out of you. Then you act crazy and annoy them. And then they'll get all dug in, and you'll get all dug in and stalemate. 

The cycle of ages continues.  

Cleansing

The trash tv with some epic music. I love these two, reminds me of the dingy pubs at 18, getting high and making out. The taste of a lover's tongue on mine, mixed with beer and the scent of smoke, his hand travelling up my spine.

The memory of the lover is faint, but I remember these moments. It was the first time I realised I loved the feel of a strong hand cradling me. Guess that's why I have a thing for hands, the strong ones make me feel safe and protected, and I feel free to open up and share sides of me that very few have been privvy to. 

Mockingbird - Barclays James Harvest

Stationary Traveller - Camel

But the times I fell in love...I think I always heard Sting, cuz I wanted them to know the shape of my heart and by myself...walk in fields of gold. 💞

Being young and heady had its perks

Funny, there's a song I can think of that makes me think of you too, but I'm too much of a wuss to ever share that with you. Plus who knows, maybe I'm just not sweet enough to do so lol ;)

Girls' day out

Today. Lolol, and I've been told to dress up, specifically haha. Alrighty, imma look pretty for the ladies today, heels and all. :D

Snark

Idk if it's the period pains or pms or what but I couldn't help myself and just sent a few semi snarky texts ugh. Why am I like this? It's been ages since I felt anything close to possessiveness but fuck, I just hate myself when I feel this way, esp as I have no actual right to be. But damn, I legit hate it. Having said that, it's not an excuse. Need to pull it together and maybe also apologise. 

Lmao

Basically, lol

😑

Periods and that shit. Fml. I need to go out get my mind off for a while. Feeling sick and I hate it. AND feel like having a nice beer, but I won't so that sucks. 

Bleh

L pinged today, demanding to know why I haven't been in touch. The audacity. Cuz you keep backstabbing everyone, lady. Such an egoistic, self obsessed way of talking. 

I can't believe the kind of people I used to be friends with, like seriously. I think I was so used to making an effort for people that they just took me for granted most times. Guess I learnt the value of reciprocity very late in life. But it's a good metric to judge intent. If someone isn't meeting you half way or generally just relies on you to put in the effort, then it's best to hold back from them. I hate having to consciously do that though, it feels like you are playing games with people, something I hate to do. Just keep it simple, guys. It's not that hard. Be nice, show you care, take an interest in others' lives and things will be smooth. Funny how the basics are like rocket science to some folks. Then again, took me forever to learn the basics as well so who am I to chide others. Sheesh. 

Glad you are out of mine for good L, wish I hadn't wasted as much time on you as I did. 

Whatever, I'm going try and get some sleep! Was up all night for no reason and now I'm cranky asf. Goodnight world!

Awake

Wide, wide awake. 

Found a synthwave version of the song now lol. I hope I never tire of you. Feels like I'm riding a sine wave of lil beads of light a la Einstein. 

In the middle of the night, with my room really cold, in the midst of reading random conversations, with the impending doom of my periods looming and a whole lot of chess, all I end up wondering about is just that one thing. 

I sometimes wish I wasn't so shy inside. But I don't know who else to be.