First time in my life RG finals making me sad.

Stupid Cobolli. Just. Stupid Sinner also why didn't he win? :(

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Mirra looked super cute in her glasses and someone said she looks like Elton John in the best way lmaoooo. Dammit. 

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Thought I'll go get beer for the finals then remembered my headache then remembered M telling me not to drink so skipped it cuz why not. Ugh. I used to listen to that ass a lot, didn't I? Even today I am. 💀💀💀 Stupid me also. 

As assy as he is, there were times I felt he looked out for me and I appreciated that tbh. Like telling his friend to behave with me and chiding me for indulging some folks. Ugh. Haha. It's weird, but I'm not exactly in the habit of letting people tell me what to do, but with him I kinda didn't mind sometimes. I mean I mostly didn't mind, not sometimes. Pretty much always. I wonder why. Felt like a weird form of trust I suppose. Man, trust for me is just such a huge thing...once gone it's very tough to recover it. That's the sad thing when you put a premium on something. Anyway. No beer, no headache and RG sucks. One out of 3 ain't bad? 

Stupid RG finals... I'm not liking this Zverev potential victory:(. Where Nadal? 😞

I'm having pasta for dinner Cobolli plsssss 🥺🥺

Ok not dying. Headache is dunzo whew. Man. 

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Met cousin and his newly wedded wife. Her mum is born in 76 like 😩. Just made me realise how old people are lol. You can have a married 26 yo when you are 50 💀. That's nuts man. Nuts. 

Also, I haven't seen wedding videos in so long lmao. She seems really nice. It felt pleasant. I feel like he chose well. Genuinely. Feels good to see. There's something very sweet about guys that are in love. How nicely they keep their wives, how gentle they can be. It's something very precious. Gestures of care count for a lot, and they are very intrinsic in people. They either exist or they don't. Well. And so it goes. 

A person's temperament matters a lot. I guess home should be a place of comfort and soothing, and that's only possible when there is gentleness. I hope that's a part of my future too, sweet stuff like that makes me also want to marry ngl. Never thought I'd do such a 180 on marriage but here we are.

Wow I still have a headache. Jesus. Am I dying? 😭

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An entire day of a headache and it's still not gone. This has never happened before. It's not harsh, it's mild, but present. Weird. Says dehydration, lack of sleep and muscle fatigue can cause it... Lol. Well yeah, lack of sleep did happen yesterday cuz I had to wake up early. I suppose that's what did it. 😤

Meh. Hopefully it'll be done by tomorrow. 

Sent painting for brother. It feels nice to have done so. I hope he gets it soon! 🤞🏼 

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The world feels so bright outside and I am turking for the outdoors today. Somedays I wish there was a nice lawn to spend an afternoon on. One of the best things about growing up in the army was simply the ample amount of space and sports we could be around. Such fun! Those stuffed tiger skins at MEG which I thought were meant for riding when I first saw them haha. Man. That used to be super fun. It was such a beautiful club too. Pristine golf course, ancient asf trees and what not. Today would have been a good day to spend in that shade outside. Yearnings. 

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Now if only the throbbing behind my eye would stop, it would be so good. 

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Hope Mirra wins today! 

Heh. Have a migraine since yesterday. Keeps on throbbing at my side. Mentioned it twice to mum and she didn't even bother to ask how I am. Instead just told me about her stomach issues the first time and ignored it outright the second time. Wonderful. It sticks out to me cuz I keep trying to be nice and fond of her and then meet with this behaviour in return and it always brings me back to earth. I guess I feel like I don't want to anymore. Once that door shuts in my mind, it will never open again. Heh. Well. 

Someone had once sent me a reel about that feeling when you need your mom, and I drew a blank cuz I've never experienced what that feeling is. I've always just tried to either avoid engaging or simply trying to keep the negatives minimum. Lol. Had no idea you could actually need someone. 🤷🏼‍♀️ One doesn't miss what one doesn't have, that's not such a bad thing. 

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Where's that even if and how to apply it here lol. Useless verbatims. 

Anyway. As per usual, let's pretend it didn't happen and move the fuck on. Feel like puking damn. Never felt this much throbbing in my head before. 

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Headaches really do bring me to my knees like no other. Legit just want to escape it somehow lol. This nausea is new. I haven't experienced this level of it before. Gross. Begone pls. 

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Lol, arnaldi gave a walkover by having a bug and meeting the players to apologise in person. Great. Now what if they fall sick?  We have learnt nothing. 

Even if

I came across a video about reframing things when experiencing emotions. Like anger go for a walk and anxiety instead of what if just go even if. I love that. I absolutely love that. 'Even if' is suuuuch a genius way to handle things. I have to make a note to remember it. Heh...all of this low key feels like when you redirect toddlers to some other activities. 

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Even if Zverev wins, I will still dislike him 🤌🏼💪🏼

Mensik pls 😩. 

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https://lichess.org/NdBUwHuP/white

Wing Gambit and f4! 😩 How I wish I could play like this omggggg.

Getting late for a flight then driving to the airport was wild. Never thought parents would get the time wrong maaan. Felt super worried about dads leg also. I didn't want him to have to rush if his knees hurt. Jeez. Life for elder folks should be easy peasy man. Like idc if they miss a flight or two, just don't stress and strain. 

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Need sleep. Seriously. So very zonked. I am not made for early mornings. Hehe. And omg mensik v zverev. Z can win a slam or can mensy deny him? Lol. Feels like it's his turn tbh. Sad realisation.

Why am I craving a chocolate these last few days? Weird. Just such an odd urge out of the blue. Ugh. And I never even keep any cuz it just stays in the fridge for months lol. The one time I legit want one and it's midnight and I can't get it. 🙄😩

Google says might be magnesium deficiency hahaha omg I was thinking it might be that... I should just get the supplements, I think all the workout sweating and heat is making me a bit dehydrated. And get some bananas too eww. God, I dislike em so much. 🤢 

All in all, a good visit I suppose. Glad everyone could be here. Wish bro was also here but yeah. Hope I see him soon too. 

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I've started noticing how often people say something negative though. Projecting their negative experiences always. Idk why it's like that. It irritates me no end, that defeatist acceptance of negativity is what gets to me. 

Was telling dad about the reels T sends me of marathi folks and how I didn't realise how much nagging and taunting happens and dad immediately was like if you had married into a marathi family you also would have had to hear it. Like just straight off the bat. And my mind is so boggled like how howwww did you think I'd be okay with it or even choose to be in that environment? That's crazy. Fuck. My dad doesn't realise at all that I simply chose not to marry cuz I hated that kinda behaviour growing up and I'm never going to be subjected to shitty in laws or be stuck in some shitty marriage like no thanks boss. This is not for me. 

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I hope I never ever have to be like these negative and defeatist folks, I hate that shit from the bottom of my heart, I really do. That mindset is pure poison. I'm not cut out for stupid stuff like this. 

Anyway blah. I don't need to be this way so who cares. Imma find someone nice and build a happy life, that's all that matters. :) and I mean... People can't choose the family they grew up in, so if the person is nice I suppose I'd deal with their family if it's shitty. I guess that's the caveat, that person is someone I need to love and I need to be certain they love me, and will be a team with me. Else no bueno. 

Thing I also understand now is to not take anyone's words too personally and keep some space between them and my mind. Never let something external dictate your views. Simply detach. It's a lot healthier. Wish I had figured that out earlier. It used to seem like I'm brushing people off and not giving them importance if I felt that way, now I don't see it like that. Hmmm. 

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Omg nadal is 40! Damnnnnn. Time flies.

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I got my 21, should I go for 22? 😭

Times they are a-changin

Scanning my bookshelf as I drink coffee and I came across my old slam book omg. The pics I saved and the collages I created. Oh god. Heh. It was good growing up man. There was a sense of joy and camaraderie in life that's been scanty lately. Well, seasons for everything. 

Heh. So much bs man. God. Jack a thon. I was soooo innocent, I knew nothing lmao. Fuck. 

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Everytime I read all my diary entries from when I was a kid I am struck by how very naive and innocent I was. Just. I wonder ten years from now if I'd say the same thing again tbh. I hope so, I think in a way it's best to live life in a way that's sort of benign. Like a fool 😂

Goat 🐐

Every once in a while, I look at this vid. 

Goat

And you know what. That's so fucking devastating like. There will never be a player like him again. Peak him will eat djoko for lunch dinner breakfast and twice on sundays. 😤

Sheesh man. Just the sheer beauty and power is breathtaking 

Seeing Saba play and ngl her grunting is just pure gamesmanship. 🙄 God I wish Shnaider wins just for that. I'm gonna root for her 💪🏼

Let's go lady!

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Omg yesss! Heh, she was a set down when I decided to root and here we are. 

How happy am I. Ugh. Heh, in my heart I believe people I root for fully will make it happen. ☺️

Watching matches with dad is so fun, he roots for the same stuff I do and both of us really get into it. Was soooo nice!!! ♥️♥️♥️🤌🏼🤌🏼🤌🏼I remember how much he used to cheer my matches. All peeves with him aside, it's great to have someone on your side, truly. Goat.🤌🏼

Conan comes off as a very sweet guy. Sometimes I wonder how much of what we see in folks is the real them. But I suppose his commitment to the people who work for him, and the ease and respect he gives them do point in that direction. People only stick with you long term if you treat them well, atleast that's one of two reasons. Hmm. I suppose I find myself wanting to just look at something wholesome. Hehe. I suppose that's the role of hope, lest everything seems bleak. Also the role of chocolate. And DOGS. OMG. YES. Yeah fuck conan, we have dogs to look up to, they never disappoint. ☺️ Woof. 

Eating a chocolate bar after so damn long. Heh. I don't have a sweet tooth but a good chocolate bar just feels luxurious. Not too sweet...dark preferably, and just the right amount of melt. Gorgeous. 

After feeling annoyed for a day or so, this feels like a treat haha. 

Oh well. 

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People like Jodar and I've taken an instant dislike to him idk why. Not that I like zverev either. Meh. I wanted to see Mensik's match today.

Idk if I can stay up for another night match. I've been so sleepy and correspondingly cranky. Found it very tough to concentrate today. And no mood to do any writing tonight either, just too zonked. I should just sleep. Some days just best to call it quits. Guess I'm still in the everyone can eff off mood lol. Gah.🖕🏼😤🖕🏼

I felt bad today, I want to acknowledge that. It was a tiny thing. But sometimes it's those tiny things that reveal a bigger picture and that part hurts. Well, what are family visits if not filled with a twinge, huh?

This kinda stuff just makes me withdraw more and more tbh. 

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Meh. I suppose it'll pass, as all things do. Stoics were right, no point wasting energy on things you can't control.