Smol

 How can someone be so tiny omggg

Should play Tokyo drift while riding

Musings

Something about a guy with chest hair really turns me on. Fuck. 💀💀 Is this what guys feel when they see boobs? 😂 

Crap, Idk but that might be it dammit. 

Why why why why whyyyyyyyy play carefully only to fucking ruin it by not paying attention why why whyyyyy. Ugh. Just stuck in that cycle of losing and gaining the same shit for no reason god I hate this game fuck fuck fuck

Pinky promise

If I think and play it seems easy at this level. When I don't, I drop 50 points. Beautiful.

From this moment on, let me just promise self I'll only play a long game if I'm willing to think. And then promise myself to keep that promise. Double swear, no loopholes. 😵

 

Bottled up

Sometimes I notice what I feel are signs of anxiety in a person and it makes me wonder if they are doing alright etc. I'm always so ready to do whatever for people that it's hard for me to pull back and prioritize myself. My friend used to term it sympathy scam. And maybe I do have a tendency to fall for stuff like that but in the end it just feels like an easier choice. Or rather a nicer choice. Idk how else to put it.

~

I guess at the end of the day if you want someone around you should make that effort. Like I would. Trying to self sabotage as a way to get someone to speak or whatever isn't really doing right by them, it's just a tantrum. I have learnt to recognise that. What I want is simple at the end of the day, respect and consideration. My happiness, wanting to make me feel nice, prioritising me, all of that should be important too. If that's a steep mountain as opposed to easy as breathing then I guess that's that. Not an equation I want. A hard lesson was leaving behind people who consider it a mountain, but in the end it's not as if people like that will ever add to your life in a positive way.  It totally sucked having to admit that though. It's not as if you instantly love someone less just cuz you realise they are an ass lol. Wish it were that easy haha. Oh well. The finite number of people I've loved from the bottom of my heart only to be left egg on face lol. The universe needs to give me a medal for that. Gah. Go fuck yourselves lmao. Gaandus all. 🙄. Haha, ok not all... Most are nice and adorable only. 

~

Hehe. But I suppose tenderness should be kept to oneself until someone earns the right to have it. Which is also easier said than done since one of my dominant instincts is being protective. I felt this way today as I was making pesto and realised it's such a simple thing and yet some people can't have it etc. That made me feel like damn. Things I take for granted. Something about this was very gutting in that moment. An existential crisis as I hold a tiny jar with red hearts on it. Little things that matter to me the most... health and wellbeing of people I love is primary. So then had to remind myself of all the myriad things to kill that feeling lol. I guess I'd like the script to flip and have these traits inbound. 

~

I like tiny jars and I cannot lie.

Ps- My pesto best-o

JB actually playing serious chess how nice man. Randomly pops up, plays a classical game and ducks out lol. I'll watch

Listening to women tell me about their multi level skin care routine and I can't recognise half the stuff they are saying wtf lmao. I don't think telling them I use just body lotion will go down well hahah. Wtf man. How do people do so much? Istg nothing makes me feel alien like as much as listening to women discuss cosmetics. 💀😱

~

" When will you be home? " 

Is such an innocent question, oft asked in a hurry and without a lot of thought behind it. 

And yet if you think about it - it's one of the sweetest things you can ask someone. 🤗🫂

~

I love it, and I love everyone I ask this to. 

Pussy moves

Beat someone that's 2400 bullet and 2200, 2100 blitz and rapid at classical hell yea. That was fun. Also he played like ass but who cares. Oh that feels so good man. Ugh. I wanna learn to make fewer blunders I'm sure I can get to 2100 ish easy that way!! 

~

Ok this means I gotta learn to play safe like a pussy lmao. Fuck I'm gonna hate this yukkk

Old Movie Night

I always skip anatomy of a fall for something else. I'm gonna see in the heat of the night. Man. 1967. That's crazy old! Quincy Jones and Sidney Pointier. Let's goooooo

~

I like the intro song too. Blues never worked for me but every once in a while. 

The waiter in the beginning reminds me somewhat of fischer lmao. This should be fun. 

~

Oh god so much racial bs fuck. I can't believe back in 67 also things were this bad what the fuck. Pathetic. Like what even man. Just cuz someone is a diff colour you just harass him? Aaaa. I can't with this crap. Screw it I'll play chess. Fuck all this racism. 

Felt really blue the last few days and I suppose I know why lol. Think I'll just go for a trek or something. Been so long.

~

Heh. I suppose I always take the time to understand why something had to be thus and end up trying to figure some things out. But maybe there's no point in that. Maybe I've just never learnt to be receptive. And I know why that is too. I can't go back in time and change that so it is what it is. But I suppose I can do that hereon out. There's no point in being understanding if it comes at your own expense anyway and I don't want to anymore. Hehe. I wish I had never experienced that thing last year. I really do. But can't change it. How I feel doesn't matter anyway so like whatever.

~

I guess I never again want to revisit a space where it feels like even the idea that I could be treated well just evaporates. It's like I gave up on expecting even the bare minimum and it never once changed. I'm sure that's a lot worse than I can even put to words but yeah. I should definitely not go back to that space or allow for the possibility of some phantom hope. Let's deal with things as they are, and the way they are... Yeah not good at all. Absolutely inexcusable. 

~

Let's just go with what Rafa says. If, if, if... Doesn't exist. That's solid life advice. So I guess no more wondering. Let's just focus on what does exist and take it from there. 

~

Meh. Let's go shopping and then do something fun with S this weekend. Or go play somewhere might be nice. Anyway he said he is coming to Whitefield so might as well catch up. Actually was quite fun last time too tbh. Nice. 

~

Maaaan i'm just waking up again and again and again ughhh. Can't sleep yet tired and eyes hurt. 💀💀💀💀. Vanity pls save me. 

Rip bullet (2025-2025)

I shall repent by turning to slow chess. 

I can't believe it was actually published on that date. How nice. 

~

Reading C&H always makes a day better. Heh. 

~

Having to archive something for the first time, I hate having to as well. 

But idk I guess I don't want to share openly. Especially stuff that's true huh? Lol. Somethings you should keep to yourself if the trust isn't earned anyway. And I suppose it isn't so what the heck. Lol. Meh. Whatever. 

Ugh. Fix it yo. Just fix it. 

~

I wish you could just believe in things like wishing upon a star and some such. I miss the magic of innocence where all this stuff felt like a possibility. 

Peter Cat

 Heera

Listening to it and I realise how easy it is to waste your life away lol. I don't see that as romantic. Just sad. Is it charming to think all that's left is a solitary hard on? Haha. Well, maybe a tiny bit. 

~

A good routine, a good occupation, good friends and a tiny bit of strife. They are the ingredients of a good life. Even if sometimes things knock you sideways, you gotta get up. That's what I'd tell everyone I love, and myself too. Probably why I dislike folks who take to alcohol and such. I really hate to see it. Vices should be like pets. Manageable at their very worst. 

~

Do right by me, and I'll love you forever. That's the promise I always made, and I guess I always will. But it is conditional on you doing right by me. Hehe. 

~

Many people like Peter Cat. But I just can't give up enough to appreciate this meandering haha. It's too antithetical to who I am. Interesting. Walk with me my soulless friends. Never. Never. Never. Nada. I shall never pick you soulless souls. Nevaaaa

I think insecurities go away when you know someone has your back. Knowing they'll do right by you even when your back is turned. That's the kind of trust that is hard to find, but you should always keep. 

And they multiply when you sense they don't. Maybe that's what we get wrong a lot of the times. Hoping that someone who treats us badly is going to do right by us. With the right people you don't have to guess or worry, you just know they'll treat you right. 

Having S apologize repeatedly for a being late... even though it wasn't his fault... Just made me notice all the small things he does that are considerate. And in my mind it was like... Here's a person... Smart, successful, starting his own firm, has god knows how many patents to his name... And still is grounded enough to be considerate of me, my time and making sure to communicate that. 

I don't want to contrast this with anything else... But little by little I want to ensure that I have only room in life for similar people who showcase that consideration and kindness implicitly. Its up to me to protect myself and I owe it to myself to pick people who bring that kind of wholesomeness to the table. I think I will too. For all the mistakes I've made, and all the times I screwed myself over... I don't think I'll ever compromise on decency and consideration ever again. I'm sure in the longer term that will be a step in the right direction. 

~

Hehe. I guess it's my turn to experience niceness from now. And I want to be receptive to it. Might feel new but that's all right. I'll figure it out as I go along from now. Fingers crossed 🤞 hehe. 

Rafa talking about the diff between playing Novak and Roger is so interesting. Hehe, him bringing in chess into it was fun, albeit completely wrong as an analogy. Buuut who cares he is such a cutie man. Hehe. Over time my respect for him has superceded most other players. I love how he conducts himself.