Hahahahha it knows I like forearms omgggg wtff. Buuut completely missed the mark on it tbh. Where's the messy hair and disgruntled demeanor that's catnip to me? Tooo clean, gemini. Waaay too slick for me. Hehe. 

Well, 100x better generation than whatever this was ahahhaha. Funnest thread I've seen in a long time. 

 Taking over

Nov 2022. Felt like homecoming. How I loved this song that time. Now I can barely stand to hear it. Heh. Times they are a changin'

~

Someone had told me once that I have a tendency to withdraw which comes across as attitude but once he got to know me he realised it's just my way of protecting myself and it struck me as odd at the time. Guess I'm beginning to see what he meant. Heh. Oh well. I guess people who eventually do fit into our lives are the ones who complement our insecurities and soothe them over. Probably for the best too. 

~

Couldn't finish this song.

Will ask Maya if this is a funny post or offensive hehe. Sometimes its just hard to know with religion how people perceive things. 

Ugh this old man rabbi is so cute. I love these grandpas tbh, just look adorbs! Hehe. I like bearded men so much just feel so safe around them idek why. Haha and I wanna tug at it also lil bit 🤭🤭🤭🤭

~

Oh hey even Passover started this weekend right. Lmc. Think it coincides with easter. Damn I should have wished her. Maybe when they are back from hawaii. 

FedEx might play moreeeee. Omg. Lord make this happen this year plsss. 

~

Hearing naros views on stuff and I can't help but think of him as someone sweet but also someone full of himself. Lol. Reminds me a lot of people who get very taken by the idea of virtue and fairdoing but then end up tying themselves in knots when their own human traits are put through stress tests demanding they hold the line. Heh. It's interesting academically to me, but in the end I ask myself would I want to be friends with them? I don't know. I like people that are simpler and who kinda just intrinsically know how to handle situations. In my mind there's always a subjective and an objective component to every conversation and act. And what weightage you provide to whichever side is the balancing act that determines how selfish v considerate you are. In the end, people who jerk off to the idea of their own virtue inevitably end up being selfish asf and don't really check their own behaviour because too busy fancying themselves as righteous. Think ' I'm just honest' types who say brutal shit under the guise of this label. Heh. I guess I do not presume to think of him in particular to be that way since I don't really know him, but in my mind this archetype is fairly set. Hmmm... People are fascinating, no doubt about that. 

Woohooo waterworks have stopped and cramps have set innnn. Celebrations!! 🥲💯😭💀

Like I've told myself since I was 16... better periods than preggers. Lord. Time to pop a pill. 💊 🙏

Zero 7

Everyone stop.

~

Do you believe? In what you see? 

~

I finally kinda understand this song lol. Took me long enough. 

I'm glad my lastFM still lives haha. Every year or so I can go back and check it. Should check T's also tbh. He listens to some good stuff. 

~>

You're a joker and imma fooo'

What is a girl to do?

Alea iacta est, meus amor. ♥️

Ifs and Hugs

Lately I've been asking myself what love really is. And I find myself back at the hospital seeing my old, old, old grandmum, just lying there. And my mom in constant attendance. The safety you feel in the presence of ones who love you and care for you. You know in your most vulnerable state, someone protective is around to ease everything as much as they can. It's not pretty business either. Monitoring your health includes monitoring even stuff like regular bowel movements, helping where you need to and doing all of it because you want that person to feel comfortable. You are loved when someone chooses to care for you in that way. I guess that's what we all seek too, or atleast most of us. To be cared for in our most vulnerable, naked, ugly states. I should not use the word ugly maybe. Because I don't find it so. But it is not all rose gardens and beauty. I've seen the same care my uncle show his wife especially during the end. The way we both cried immediately when she said something to us. He also never left her side, always helped. 

The way mum hugged me after she passed and I hope she knew then that I'll also be as caring, and that in my way I have been doing that despite all the bad feelings my childhood left me with. 

Being there for each other, being reliable, coming through for someone. That's what love is. And you are indeed lucky if someone willingly chooses to love you. Hehe. So when I choose to love someone, he will be lucky. I should  remember that. As would I be. And for that I have to wait I guess. And that's ok. I think it would honestly be worth it. Not in a end of time and life kinda way, but just in an everyday... I choose you, through thick and thin kinda way. And through the inevitable monotony that will creep in from time to time. That's the part that's sometimes dangerous cuz it leads people astray. The only thing I really feel afraid of facing and lord I hope I never have to. I just don't want my life to shatter that way. Heh. And after seeing how shitty people can be, there's a new layer of skepticism as well about the what if of love too. Will it stay? Will it grow? So many what ifs. I guess it comes down to chance and luck. I can't imagine not being devoted to the person I love and whatever form of family we create. And sometimes I fear maybe I'm just too damn old fashioned for this world lol. Like my one fav drink no less. Robust, vintage, with a hint of orange. Funnily enough even my fav smells and perfumes always contain blood orange and it's my fav fruit too lol. Tart, robust and citrusy. Hehe. I like digressing. 

Love happens over time and deepens over time. Takes time to grow. It's built on action, steadiness and a sense of mutual dependence. Like hey watching some netflix with you on this boring ass day is a hell of a lot better than not watching Netflix with you lol. But it grows in strength and grows in steadiness only when bolstered by respect and care. For that there is no substitute. I know this deep in my heart. I know sometimes love isn't a choice and you just give your heart to someone who is careless with it. That's painful. I hope I'm done learning lessons here though. I'd like a boring night with Netflix over another lesson now haha. I know I'm a good person to invest in. I just have to keep that at the back of my mind so I am aware of it more than I've been before. Let's not be careless with ourselves I guess. Well, I'll try my best. Heh. What else can I do? 

~

I grew up believing I was a very detached person. I never wanted to tie myself down to someone or someone's family. I didn't want any responsibility of others because god it looked like a noose. And I suppose responsibility without love is a noose. A stifling one. I won't deny that. But once I realised I have power over my own life and choices, that started to change. It took a while to take power back too. Now that I have, none of it looks bad cuz I see it from a position of strength, not weakness. 

Heh. If only the old detached me could look at me now. She would deffo say how mocked. :)

Cheesy spring

 

Oof

 Honestly just so beautiful. 

Love you FedEx. 

Achilles

Loool. House has an episode on a chess player and it's titled the jerk. About a patient that annoys everyone and man he is an ass. 

Lmfao I love this. Maybe I just love asses. All evidence would definitely point to that. 

~

And they play Iron Butterfly too. Oh hell yeah. 

In a gadda da vida

In-a-gadda-da-vida, honey,

Don't you know that i love you?

In-a-gadda-da-vida, baby,

Don't you know that i'll always be true?

Umm umm ummmm. Hearing it after so damn long god I love classic rock. ♥️

Feels weird to tread new paths sometimes. Comfort and complacency go hand in hand but is that really so bad?

~

Reading more of yarvins bullcrap god how I hate that I actually do have the same love for Borges that he seems to. Just any evidence of similarity in influences makes me wanna puke. I have a fundamental distaste of people who simply can't come up with original thought and instead just piecemeal a buffet of borrowed ideas and tie them loosely together with a strain of grandeur and wishful thinking. Now, I'm not opposed to grandeur in the least, I feel a large part of achivement simply lies in obsession towards a grand scale vision but it's also juuuuuust that. And that's the bit that a lot of chasers don't seem to get or idk they are so consuuuuumed by the idea of gold that they just pontificate and sell it around and boom! There you have a cult at your hands. And you know what I hate about cults? How completely they devolve into juuuuuust the most basic of human vices that's all. Like a fucking clogged drainpipe. All headed by some lunatic that can't let go of his rabid dream because guess what... Zero self mastery. Just zero. If an idea rules you, thou art a slave, doomed to never ever be bigger than that one idea. Forever bowing your spine to it, never realising it or yourself.  Reducing yourself to the level of that robot in rick and morty that passes butter, except by your own choice. What an ugly sight to behold. Eeeyuck. Even the names he uses are just references and nicknames he has borrowed like ugh how singularly unoriginal. Like a teenager wearing their fav band shirt and making it their personality. Look at me I follow this cool thing ergo I'm so cool. 

Ugh. 

I feel like flinging poop from a slingshot. Smack. 

~ 

Periods are late might as well indulge in infuriating myself reading this bs. God my soul is appalled, apppaaaallled at this stuff ughhhh. 

Moooore. 

~

I guess with all this madness around maybe just self focus is a way through it all. That and kindness. Now I can't do without it, I'm sure of that. Checked after long, and I noticed just now he didn't try to hide self this time. That's actually nice I appreciate it for some reason. 

~

Lmfao. It's a day later and I feel like laughing at this irony. Everytime, everyyyytime I'm close to feeling like hmmm maybe say hi I read stuff like date thy neighbours hahha. Ooooh serves me right lol. Touche. Well, there goes any and all nostalgia yet again! Au revouir. Le world is simply a buffet for him, always to take, never to put anything back. And who cares for wasted food, there's always more more more. Beauty of all you can eat, even better when you don't have to ever pay. 

Am I being a dick rn? A little bit. Maybe more than a little bit. I am well aware of that. Ugh. Curses. 

~

I see the world now and I'm more and more sure there's just pure malice, stupidity and evil in many souls. It's so scary to see, esp when masks are off and people are nasty in broad view. The world has changed in a few short months to a place that's a lot more grim and I don't like it one bit. But the way things are now, I am convinced in my soul that nothing short of genuineness is something I will go close to. This isn't aimed at anyone in particular, lest I be read and misinterpreted. Just musings. I don't equate anyone I actually know with pure evil. Esp not people I miss from time to time and then get mad at lol. Atmost they are Schrodinger's evil. Ergo might just be v nice or maybe that's wishful thinking who knows. Little slivers that I never mentioned that kinda snuck in make me feel that can be a possibility. But those I will not mention. Shrouded in ego is never a good thing though. Prevents people from actually seeing it. I'm also sure they've made a lot of mistakes, I'm not fooling myself on that. But to be around me and with me, all that will have to change. No more evil, you know. I am letting go of all of that. It's safe to say I would not trust you with my heart, but complete loss of respect should be avoided. 

I don't know how to phrase it, but hmmmm. I guess the instinct that makes you care for someone should not blind you to the fact that your care may simply be a tool for them to manipulate you or use you. Funny how care has always felt like an anchor but for once I'd like the anchor to be meaningful and something that helps you be rooted, helps you navigate tides and in general help you be grounded in a positive way, not something that pulls at you without giving a fuck about drowning you. Meh. I will never lose the will to care I suppose. Atleast I hope not. That's who I am and losing that would just mean the essense of me is destroyed. That's god's absolute truth. And the sheer emptiness of not being cared for in even a tiny way is extremely soul crushing and I guess that's pretty much the precipice I've experienced these last few years. I don't like it and I don't want it and honestly it's just sheer emotional torture to experience and I am dooooone with that phase. Just mightily done.  Life and things need never be this difficult for no reason. I also do not wish to forever be waiting for an ounce of decency and I do not want to revisit this thought of lack ever again either. I owe myself that as well. Ergo, from this moment on... I shall not ever expect or want any decency from you in particular, you are not capable of it, I accept that. And with that I let that expectation go. Godspeed. I wish you well, I suppose I always will. Bang thy neighbours, my best wishes to you both. 

~

Time for a good, solid start. Like the baby shampoo bottles say... No more tears. And yes, I'm aware this overtly dramatic mood I'm in deffo has periods written all over it too but what to do it is existing atm. A doomsday a month. 

~

Heh. Let's bore self with more of yarvinz.  Ugh..more like disgust self with it. This is the kinda stuff that makes the world a sad place to be, people like this. And they make me want to do my bit to make the world a tiny bit better. Hehe. Yeah. I want that, and I feel a little spark of joy in knowing that. Better to be a Borges anyday. 

Cheers to that. Clink. 

Bond

I mean. 

104. What a number. Feels like living in a reality show where everything is burning but you can't stop watching. I have no clue how any of this plays out but the fact that noone else possibly does either is making me laugh in the face of this mammoth adversity. 

A heartfelt BRUH. 

RIP world economy. 💀 To the tune of Adele singling Skyfall. 

Follow the leader 

Says Matthew Ryan. 

Dammit. These songs creep up on me again. When we were kids, P used to invent bfs to keep the actual boys at bay. She named him this. Weird are the things that stick with you.  

Let's change the song. 

Running up the hill

This one conversation with mom totally convinced me that the one thing I will never settle for in life is someone who simply deflects responsibility for their actions by blaming you and gaslighting and/or playing the victim. Tired of nasty people. Really, completely, utterly tired of them. I can't do it anymore. If people want me in their lives they can bloody well make an effort to be nice. Else fuck off. 

Never again. 

Tathastu.

Late nights with Thievery Corp

All that we perceive

Sensual singing, boiler room vibe, dim lights. I like it so much. 

Keane

- I always come back you hehe. You and black keys. Mmm mm mmmm

Iceman

RIP. Was just writing about you the other day dammit. :(