Lately I've been asking myself what love really is. And I find myself back at the hospital seeing my old, old, old grandmum, just lying there. And my mom in constant attendance. The safety you feel in the presence of ones who love you and care for you. You know in your most vulnerable state, someone protective is around to ease everything as much as they can. It's not pretty business either. Monitoring your health includes monitoring even stuff like regular bowel movements, helping where you need to and doing all of it because you want that person to feel comfortable. You are loved when someone chooses to care for you in that way. I guess that's what we all seek too, or atleast most of us. To be cared for in our most vulnerable, naked, ugly states. I should not use the word ugly maybe. Because I don't find it so. But it is not all rose gardens and beauty. I've seen the same care my uncle show his wife especially during the end. The way we both cried immediately when she said something to us. He also never left her side, always helped.
The way mum hugged me after she passed and I hope she knew then that I'll also be as caring, and that in my way I have been doing that despite all the bad feelings my childhood left me with.
Being there for each other, being reliable, coming through for someone. That's what love is. And you are indeed lucky if someone willingly chooses to love you. Hehe. So when I choose to love someone, he will be lucky. I should remember that. As would I be. And for that I have to wait I guess. And that's ok. I think it would honestly be worth it. Not in a end of time and life kinda way, but just in an everyday... I choose you, through thick and thin kinda way. And through the inevitable monotony that will creep in from time to time. That's the part that's sometimes dangerous cuz it leads people astray. The only thing I really feel afraid of facing and lord I hope I never have to. I just don't want my life to shatter that way. Heh. And after seeing how shitty people can be, there's a new layer of skepticism as well about the what if of love too. Will it stay? Will it grow? So many what ifs. I guess it comes down to chance and luck. I can't imagine not being devoted to the person I love and whatever form of family we create. And sometimes I fear maybe I'm just too damn old fashioned for this world lol. Like my one fav drink no less. Robust, vintage, with a hint of orange. Funnily enough even my fav smells and perfumes always contain blood orange and it's my fav fruit too lol. Tart, robust and citrusy. Hehe. I like digressing.
Love happens over time and deepens over time. Takes time to grow. It's built on action, steadiness and a sense of mutual dependence. Like hey watching some netflix with you on this boring ass day is a hell of a lot better than not watching Netflix with you lol. But it grows in strength and grows in steadiness only when bolstered by respect and care. For that there is no substitute. I know this deep in my heart. I know sometimes love isn't a choice and you just give your heart to someone who is careless with it. That's painful. I hope I'm done learning lessons here though. I'd like a boring night with Netflix over another lesson now haha. I know I'm a good person to invest in. I just have to keep that at the back of my mind so I am aware of it more than I've been before. Let's not be careless with ourselves I guess. Well, I'll try my best. Heh. What else can I do?
~
I grew up believing I was a very detached person. I never wanted to tie myself down to someone or someone's family. I didn't want any responsibility of others because god it looked like a noose. And I suppose responsibility without love is a noose. A stifling one. I won't deny that. But once I realised I have power over my own life and choices, that started to change. It took a while to take power back too. Now that I have, none of it looks bad cuz I see it from a position of strength, not weakness.
Heh. If only the old detached me could look at me now. She would deffo say how mocked. :)
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