Had a strange dream in which I was going somewhere in a nice open air car but with the wrong set of people lol. It was so weird and vintage. I love vintage cars tbh. Something so quaint about them.

Crazy amount of exhaustion... I'm looking forward to going back home. Just need my own space heh. 

I saw this guy playing and he did what I asked also and it was nice I guess. Will say that to him atleast. Don't want to tell him my granny passed. I don't think he would care. I don't think another one of those ' hope it gets better soon ' kinda automated responses will be tolerable to me. 

Hmm. Oh well it's okay. Can't make a person care so why out them in a spot where they need to pretend to? Chuck it. 

Heh. Sooo much has happened in these two days. Mom telling me she is glad I'm around. I suppose in some ways I've become a bit of a rock for them. Uncle telling me I don't talk much. I guess maybe I don't. But mostly when I don't know what to say heh. Well. 

It's good to get perspective on things tbh. It's nice. Don't know if it lasts or anything but atleast once in a while it's good to get out of your own environment. 

I see my aunt doing a lot for uncle who was unwell. He seems all antsy at times. Men who feel like they aren't useful tend to become babies that need attention and respect. It can get annoying and yet I see her do a lot for him. I guess that's love in some sense. Heh. I think a loooot of women do this. Baby men cuz they love them. And as much as I had thought it was crazy as a kid I kiiinda now get it. Cuz I'm also like this no. I will in the end cater to random whims when I understand a person is dependent on me etc. Just... I guess yeah that's just a form of love. You want the best for them. 

My other cousin also visited. Getting married in December and moving to the US. Her bro meeting mine in jersey. It's crazy how literally everyone I know ends up there. But it's good they have each other. I'm glad. She was quite sad about moving, cuz she is suuuch a family person. But I hope she is happy too. Hehe. Such a smarty pants too. Most people I know are clever and so accomplished and I low key love that. Even though chartered accountancy seems so fucking boring but hey, she is one of the best in the country so hell yeah. Good stuff. 

Well. All in all a huge reunion and lots to digest. 

Wow. There is so much to absorb here. The customs, the community vibe people have. Community is a cover up word for a judgy horde lol. It's interesting how they are nice to each other but also gossip about each other so much. I guess that's why values and a set of expectations are important. To loosely govern a horde and get them to get along lol. I've long believed that it's one of the true purposes of religion too. A way to give hope, and a way to govern. 

Yet again, I feel like a complete foreigner here. There's no overlap in mentality between us. And in the end none of my life choices or theirs do either. Actually maybe there I'm wrong. There are some. Esp with my cousins getting divorced. Atleast is a welcome change actually. Noone wants to suffer through a bad marriage. I'm glad. 

Hmmm. 

I feel a sense of aloofness maybe? Idk. Somewhere that sense of holding myself to myself is very strongly present in me. When mum called and told me she passed away, my first reaction was to get up, book flight, finish whatever needs doing, pack and then give myself the space to sit and absorb it. It's always this way, I prioritise doing what is necessary. That sense of responsibility I feel compels me to. Then called brother to check how he is doing and generally listen to him. Didn't tell anyone else about it either. I somehow simply don't feel like it. 

Hmmm. Well. Days go by. 

Oh wow and my cousin is getting divorced. That's nuts. Man, so much news. But good for her. Gtfo from shitty marriages can't live like that. Good that family is supporting too. I'm glad. 

So much stuff just happened man. Spoke to brother for a long time. Apparently taking a break from relationship and has a speeding thing he needs to take care of. So sad. I feel legit bad. Now he can't come here in December either cuz has to take care of all this and he is alone. Ugh. Poor kid. I still see him like a baby only. 

Asked M if he knew any lawyers and could help and he says no. Lol. I don't know what I even expected, honestly. Just thought this once he might help. It's such a small thing to even ask for. I'm fairly certain he mentioned knowing lawyers at some point, don't recall exactly what the conversation was about but either he did or some person on his stream said that about his brother or someeeone who is one. Anyway, if he is choosing to hide even this then fuck him and fuck this shit ya. Like enough, honestly. If you honestly are so mean that you can't even help when it won't cost you anything and it's within your reach to, then fuck it and fuck you. Yet again I'm at that point but yeah. For me, people I care about mean the world. And if it was his brother who needed help in this country or him, I'd have tried to do something. Well, it's my fault only tbh for even expecting anything decent haha. So can't blame him, he was never going to come through for me ever. I wonder why he even fusses when I try to leave while simultaneously having zero empathy for me or any desire to help or be nice to me in any way. Blah, I mean he hasn't even asked how my granny was or is or anything so like I'm only an idiot for thinking otherwise or even thinking about him or this and I should just shut that door for good. True. It's just me choosing to stick around time and again so blame is all mine here. Cuz he has made it pretty clear time and again that he doesn't give a shit about me, my family, any actual thing about me. Not even as a friend. It's just a straight up no for anything meaningful. Pretty sure if Andro needed this help he would have made some effort atleast, but with me its a ' you are on your own ' kinda brush off. And there will never be any follow up but instead he would just do the same old try to get you to speak to him thing. Oh but ofc he needs validation so I suppose I need to stick to my purpose here right 🙄🙄🙄. Man, how patheeeeeeeetic of him and of me to cater to it too. Shame on me only. 

I know I'm overreacting rn but idc man. Just so saturated with everything. Sometimes it's like that incessant onslaught of knowing that someone is willingly this way just gets too hard to forgive cuz in the end it's just like why should I give a fuck either. 

But even that feeling is going away slowly tbh. In the end it's not my loss cuz there was nothing to lose for me anyway. Just someone using me that's all. Well, my fault entirely. Not his. Never asked me to give a shit, so it's on me if I chose to. Let me not blame him and take accountability for my own mistakes here. But even if I'm mad, I know that in the end if he needed something I would have helped. 

Okay. Fuck it. Never again. Do better. 

21st sept

Granny passed away today morning. I'm glad she didnt suffer. Just don't have any room to think right now so I won't. 

Almost ten years since I last came here and attended my grandad's funeral. It's been so long. I remember it was the first one I had ever attended, and I was unsure of what to do, what to feel. Feel like finding that post on the funeral to read it again. See what has changed and what hasn't. When I get the time. 

Spoke to the writer dad introduced me to. Interesting points about publishing. More or less what I expected it to be as well. Funny thing is, I don't believe the writing part is tough, it's all the rest of it. Lol. Oh well, idc. I just wanna do it cuz I want something in life that I can purely be passionate about. Rest is what it is. 

Also seeing finegold taking the piss out of Levy. What a cunty thing to do. Fuck, I remember during the pandemic when he made that cheap comment about deaths in India and I couldn't resist but say something nasty to him. 💀 Heh. Whatever he deserved it for that shit comment. Fuck him. Just a bitter guy shitting on everyone under the guise of humor. 

"Proud of you, but not surprised. That's why. "💀

I just. What do I even think here? Lmao. I was contemplating straight up blocking him and then he says this. Lol. 

Hmmm. Well I'm not gonna overthink it but it would be nice if he had said it from the get go. This once I'm not letting myself melt even though honestly it felt very sweet and gruff and like he couldn't really bring himself to be honest but then he did lol. Ok maybe I'm melting a little. I really do have a soft spot for you. But I'll melt fully only when you earn it the right way. Till then even my armour will be up. 🤺

~

Okay but side note:

Sometimes it's so hard to make stubborn people see sense lol. It's like ... I feel people believe that by being tough on someone you bring out the best in them or something. And they don't realise that all they do is create self hating adults like zverev and rublev and tsitsipas who don't reach their potential and end up as very bitter adults imo. Even Agassi talks about hating the sport and I don't think he would have if his life was diff. Like Magnus, whose parents were smart so they knew how to nurture his talent without adding on their baggage to him. 

I guess I see mental energy and drive as fuel. The most efficiently burnt fuel leaves very little residue while maximising its potential. When parents or coaches or whoever saddle on this negative grindset mindset, they make athletes less efficient overall because part of the energy simply gets wasted in unimportant sources like hating on self, being reckless etc. It never had the best results. And this kind of boomer mentality has always created lots of harm. Like seeing rublev these days is just sad... The traces of abuse on him are so severe. 

Hmmm. 

~

Well, to each their own... I can't change people and I'm not going to try to, I'm simply going to look to find ones that fit my mind well because I don't want dysfunction as a distraction, I'd like someone to add value to my life in a meaningful way. Guess that's my bottom line too. 

Ugh

I am just so mentally exhausted. Like. All this travelling back and forth. Being there for family etc. Decided to just take a bit of a breather and didn't talk to anyone much this week. And then I see today this person has played for 10+ hours. I don't even know what to say. I feel like... Bruh that's just self harm levels of bullet. I don't get him sometimes. Is it really that hard for him to juuuust say hello? It's so weird man. All of this is weird. Ignored my one win against someone titled, then next day is doing this. I don't know man. I've long felt that he has an issue with saying hi esp if he thinks I'm mad. But it can't be so deep that you never check in and try to induce the other person say hi. Like I genuinely missed it this time too. 

Well, I can't I give up. between all this family stuff, it also makes me acutely aware that he never once asked about my grandma or how I am etc. So I honestly just find myself asking an honest question... Is it really worth it? Worth caring about someone who deliberately treats you badly? Like none of my other friends would have ignored something so blatantly. And if they were busy they'd have gotten back at some point, not just tried to throw a tantrum. Hmmm. 

I don't know man, but I'm tired and it's extremely draining and at the end of the day it feels like he keeps taking me for granted and using me for validation but can't actually be nice back to me even once. And idk someone who doesn't ask if your granny is ok or not after you tell them she may not make it, someone who can't appreciate you even once when you do something you are happy with... It's just emotional abuse. Maybe that's just it and maybe he just is abusive. Idk. But I don't want to deal anymore. And everytime something happens I feel like fuck it life too short let's just be nice etc.  But now it just feels like bro if all you do is treat me badly in return... After all this time if a bare minimum hello on your own is something that you can't do then maybe yeah. I should just accept that it's emotional abuse with a caveat kept to avoid accountability. Hmmm. Okay I will leave it from now. It's hard to lose people, but it's harder to be around someone who makes you feel bad also. I just don't have it in me to do any more.

 I am a 100% sure that I can be above 2k in rapid. Just seeing some 2500 play and they blundered repeatedly lines that I worked out and rejected, while they went ahead and played it. So annoying to even see those errors it's such basic shit like queen is pinned etc wtf. I honestly think my issue is just playing too soon and not calculating in my own games cuz when I do, I'm fairly precise. Something to work on I guess. 

Whew she is doing better. That's so nice I'm so happy. Hope she gets discharged soon. It just feels nice to sense some relief. Looked so cute when I spoke to her on video today haha. Lost a couple of teeth but is smiling lots. V nice man. 

Zomg in the midst of all this Di is texting some bs and saying she doesn't see the point in living as some casual quip. 💀💀💀💀 

Sometimes I honestly feel like just scolding her. I haven't told her about my family stuff and don't feel like it either. But seriously. She has a good career, a house on the beach, dogs, a husband that's loving and supportive and still saying this shit. Was telling M also about it and even she was like bruh. Maybe she should have just found someone like her ex if she wanted to marry instead of sulking now as if she settled for someone while acting nice on the surface it's just sooooooo ungrateful. People can be so cavalier at times. Such a disgrace, truly.

Hmmm spoke to Mum again also. Not looking good. Oh man. Feels so unsettling. It'll fall on me to be level headed and calm when I reach there. No matter what. I remember when grandad also passed away. 2014. I had to take mom and bro from here and book flights that then got cancelled and book cabs from Mumbai etc. I was internally scared but outwardly I had to keep calm and make sure the journey is smooth and that she feels comfortable and I can make her reach her house without any issues. Fuck. Now I have to do it all over again. Duties of being the eldest daughter, but one that I understand I have to perform to the best of my abilities. 

I don't want to think about it for now... Best to keep calm as much as I can. 

God bless. All of us. All the people I love whether they have done right by me or wrong by me, at the end of the day I love you all and love you lots and I hope to see you safe and happy and I will do my best from my end to add that love to your lives. I promise. 

I said thanks to this fellow. And as I was doing it I realised deeply that the one thing and quite possibly the only thing I've been looking for so far is a moment of safety that helps me just relax and trust him. Strange huh? I have never actually looked for that before with someone so idk why particularly with him I feel like I need it. Probably the lack of transparency. I guess because I recognise my own tendency to be very loyal as a friend and a person and how once I decide fully that I want a person in my life I tend to ensure they have access to whatever positives I can bring in their life. And I don't want to give that away to someone who potentially won't treat me right. That's why I suppose I even thought it's time we feel familiar and speak etc so that it's normal and then all these random fears will disappear and a normal equation will stay. Lol. But knowing that he is hiding that woman and idk if she is his wife or gf or something and he wants to avoid knowing me because of her etc it's a bit too gross for me. I don't want to interfere in all this anyway. So idk. I guess this lack of transparency feels too cheaty and that's simply not something I wanna deal with. No point in giving benefit of doubt here. Plus he is entitled to his privacy too. And maybe I should not have told him that guy dmed me or something. Lol. But whatever I don't want to be duplicitous, I've never hidden these things, I hate it. Such a random follow it was on my part tbh, insta recoes an owl, I like it thinking more cute owls and boom. So much random shit behind the scenes lmao. Very childish too. But still, people are entitled to be childish. I will not interfere in this, but I suppose it also means I don't trust him. Lack of trust is alwaaaays a silent killer, no two ways about it. If I think about it... All of this since Jan would have actually just been prevented if he had straight up chosen to trust me. Every little bit of fighting and feeling bad and allllll that bs simply stems from that simple hello thing. Should have just realised from the start that I'm actually good and honest and none of this would have then become like a power struggle of sorts. And now I'm the one who doesn't trust him lmao. Poetic. Anyway, things should not be so heavy all the time. I've also thought too many harsh things about him and that's not right on my part either. I should not feel or think the worst of someone. That's really not okay for me to do. Plus he also hates conflict seems like and prefers to have things happy and problem free. So I should not dump on him out of the blue and blindside either. So let me atleast correct that from my side cuz it's unfair the way I've handled certain things. I want him to be accountable but I will not shirk accountability on my end also. 

Oh well. And so it goes. 

~

Anyway, now it's time to focus on family also. All said and done I have to be there for mom the rest is what it is. 

Grandma back in the ICU. Hmmm. I guess maybe it isn't looking good. Dammit. Okay dunno what to say. 

Ugh. Had to meet someone cuz didn't feel like saying no to folks at this time. Wish I had though. Haha. The weird shit I find myself in at times. 

It was nice that he asked about me in general and was sweet to me though. I think that's all my take away is today. I just genuinely miss being treated well that's all. To a point where even simple basic things are seeming great. 

Yeah... I think I need to ensure for good that I'm never used or taken advantage of without the other person being good to me in return as well. This is something I will not enable ever again. 

Anyway blah. All my anger, negativity everything has kinda just melted away and gone. I feel happy and relieved mostly. It's good. Just going to ensure I make nicer choices and in general keep myself safe and protected henceforth. I owe myself kindness too and I'll try to ensure that from now. Peace. Hehe.✌️