I said thanks to this fellow. And as I was doing it I realised deeply that the one thing and quite possibly the only thing I've been looking for so far is a moment of safety that helps me just relax and trust him. Strange huh? I have never actually looked for that before with someone so idk why particularly with him I feel like I need it. Probably the lack of transparency. I guess because I recognise my own tendency to be very loyal as a friend and a person and how once I decide fully that I want a person in my life I tend to ensure they have access to whatever positives I can bring in their life. And I don't want to give that away to someone who potentially won't treat me right. That's why I suppose I even thought it's time we feel familiar and speak etc so that it's normal and then all these random fears will disappear and a normal equation will stay. Lol. But knowing that he is hiding that woman and idk if she is his wife or gf or something and he wants to avoid knowing me because of her etc it's a bit too gross for me. I don't want to interfere in all this anyway. So idk. I guess this lack of transparency feels too cheaty and that's simply not something I wanna deal with. No point in giving benefit of doubt here. Plus he is entitled to his privacy too. And maybe I should not have told him that guy dmed me or something. Lol. But whatever I don't want to be duplicitous, I've never hidden these things, I hate it. Such a random follow it was on my part tbh, insta recoes an owl, I like it thinking more cute owls and boom. So much random shit behind the scenes lmao. Very childish too. But still, people are entitled to be childish. I will not interfere in this, but I suppose it also means I don't trust him. Lack of trust is alwaaaays a silent killer, no two ways about it. If I think about it... All of this since Jan would have actually just been prevented if he had straight up chosen to trust me. Every little bit of fighting and feeling bad and allllll that bs simply stems from that simple hello thing. Should have just realised from the start that I'm actually good and honest and none of this would have then become like a power struggle of sorts. And now I'm the one who doesn't trust him lmao. Poetic. Anyway, things should not be so heavy all the time. I've also thought too many harsh things about him and that's not right on my part either. I should not feel or think the worst of someone. That's really not okay for me to do. Plus he also hates conflict seems like and prefers to have things happy and problem free. So I should not dump on him out of the blue and blindside either. So let me atleast correct that from my side cuz it's unfair the way I've handled certain things. I want him to be accountable but I will not shirk accountability on my end also. 

Oh well. And so it goes. 

~

Anyway, now it's time to focus on family also. All said and done I have to be there for mom the rest is what it is.