So much stuff just happened man. Spoke to brother for a long time. Apparently taking a break from relationship and has a speeding thing he needs to take care of. So sad. I feel legit bad. Now he can't come here in December either cuz has to take care of all this and he is alone. Ugh. Poor kid. I still see him like a baby only. 

Asked M if he knew any lawyers and could help and he says no. Lol. I don't know what I even expected, honestly. Just thought this once he might help. It's such a small thing to even ask for. I'm fairly certain he mentioned knowing lawyers at some point, don't recall exactly what the conversation was about but either he did or some person on his stream said that about his brother or someeeone who is one. Anyway, if he is choosing to hide even this then fuck him and fuck this shit ya. Like enough, honestly. If you honestly are so mean that you can't even help when it won't cost you anything and it's within your reach to, then fuck it and fuck you. Yet again I'm at that point but yeah. For me, people I care about mean the world. And if it was his brother who needed help in this country or him, I'd have tried to do something. Well, it's my fault only tbh for even expecting anything decent haha. So can't blame him, he was never going to come through for me ever. I wonder why he even fusses when I try to leave while simultaneously having zero empathy for me or any desire to help or be nice to me in any way. Blah, I mean he hasn't even asked how my granny was or is or anything so like I'm only an idiot for thinking otherwise or even thinking about him or this and I should just shut that door for good. True. It's just me choosing to stick around time and again so blame is all mine here. Cuz he has made it pretty clear time and again that he doesn't give a shit about me, my family, any actual thing about me. Not even as a friend. It's just a straight up no for anything meaningful. Pretty sure if Andro needed this help he would have made some effort atleast, but with me its a ' you are on your own ' kinda brush off. And there will never be any follow up but instead he would just do the same old try to get you to speak to him thing. Oh but ofc he needs validation so I suppose I need to stick to my purpose here right 🙄🙄🙄. Man, how patheeeeeeeetic of him and of me to cater to it too. Shame on me only. 

I know I'm overreacting rn but idc man. Just so saturated with everything. Sometimes it's like that incessant onslaught of knowing that someone is willingly this way just gets too hard to forgive cuz in the end it's just like why should I give a fuck either. 

But even that feeling is going away slowly tbh. In the end it's not my loss cuz there was nothing to lose for me anyway. Just someone using me that's all. Well, my fault entirely. Not his. Never asked me to give a shit, so it's on me if I chose to. Let me not blame him and take accountability for my own mistakes here. But even if I'm mad, I know that in the end if he needed something I would have helped. 

Okay. Fuck it. Never again. Do better.