I'm so tired and lazy today I'm just zoning out of all work and playing chess lmao but idc it's a day to chill.
I read one take which was quite nice. It was about when a safe person enters your life, they are appalled at the kinda bullshit you have gone through because at times we are unable to gauge for ourselves how utterly awful the stuff that happens to us truly is. I think this is very true.
I remember being shocked at some of the things M has once said he had faced, even his friend. And what stuck me the most was how nonchalantly they both stated it like it was normal. Fuck. I wanted to give them both a huge hug and tell them ffs none of that is normal. Don't ever think that, it was fucking garbage and you all deserve better. His friend had even said he hooked up with some older lady when he was a teen and it was so awful to hear. But even he behaves badly now so idk what to say. Men sometimes really don't realise when something wrong is happening to them. Plus this stupid male habit of always high fiving stuff like this when they are kids also doesn't help. I don't know man. Very late in life I've started understanding male perspective on these things and how a lot of them have also been Ill treated. It's hard for guys to talk about it openly too I feel. In all of this it's always fucking adults who are at fault esp when they are shitty to kids. Always. And now that we are the adults it's scary to think that some of us might be bad role models for children too.
Even for me, after a lot of my good friends came about is when I realised how much nonsense had happened to me and what I had put up with... It was quite a realisation. But... Idk it's nowhere close to the kinda shit I've seen these guys talk about. Somehow, on balance I've always had a good life and I've never been with anyone that was outright mean. Like long back M compared someone he dated to his other friends' throuple lady and I can't even imagine what kinda shit that would have been like. Why tf did he even stay with such a lady? I don't even know how scarring that must have been. Fuck. And I understand then why he hates conflict and such too, shit like that will make you v protective of yourself and v distrustful to boot. Hmmm. But he would have overcome it by now I suppose, atleast I hope so. That's the thing that had struck me when we were not talking also... How he just assumed I wouldn't want to and didn't say anything like did he think I don't even value him enough to treat him with love and respect just cuz we had a fight? Damn man. I might scold when something wrong is done but I won't betray and abandon on a whim like that. Hmmm. Lmao...even when he was the one that was a dick to me, hurt me in such a mean way and yet here I am, hoping he feels safe. Haha. Le irony. I don't expect a single thing from you anymore, especially not niceness, and yet I don't wish to let myself go down some road of hate and be unkind. Lucky you. Lol. You actually are quite lucky. You take people for granted, don't you? :) it's a privilege, and at the end of the day I'm glad you have that tbh. Anyway, I told myself I will never think of this again so banish it nowwww. Plus, I guess knowing you has made me so much more considerate. I used to be sooooo impatient and so completely brash but I'm so much more mindful now of what I say, how I say it, will it be taken the wrong way, should I rephrase it? All of that I think of, within reason, before I speak. I like that. I'm a lot softer externally, which is very new for me. I used to hide that side of me lots before. H had told me long back I was like a soft marshmallow on the inside and a coconut on the outside hahahah. True-ish.
Ugh. When someone is your friend or your close friend or your best friend... You love them and want all nice things for them. That's such a natural thing for me and so many people I know. I always assumed that was a universal thought. The outside world can suck, but your inner circle always has to be good to you. Always.
I was very, very, very naive. But you know what? I think I prefer the naivety to normalising shitass behaviour or think of it as ' yeah it exists' and just take it as a given.
Man. Life can be really rough sometimes. I don't have all the answers but what can we do except try to do the best we can with what we have?
Sometimes I feel like I'm a v private person simply because I feel the need to cherish my own world.
Feels like taking care of something precious demands time, energy and solidity.
But I also think what's actually genuine and yours will always find a way to you, and stick by you once it finds you. I'm a safe person for people I love. And my god after the phenomenal number of bullshit perspectives I've read about the kind of shit people get up to, I feel I'm extremely nice too lol. By a comparative scale, definitely. I like that.
That's a happy thought.
Come, visit me in my cocoon... You will love it.
The value of an insight statement is actually immense, as I'm discovering now. Working on this story and suddenly it hit me - what's the clearest message I want to build it around?
What's the protein? As I want to term it. It seems imperative to use a central idea that is solid, and all the rest of it needs to follow that. Otherwise it's just meandering too much. Hmmm. Okay let me see what all I can learn via this.
Fun
Peter Higgs died. Damn.
A stalwart of his field, the one who created the field in the first place. Lived up to 94, that's a full life.
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Every time in life I feel stuck, or lazy, I think of people like these. How relentless and pure their pursuit of knowledge has been. And how far they push humanity in leaps and bounds over the course of a single lifetime.
What excuse do you even have to be lazy? None whatsoever.
Rip, sir. A behemoth you were and always will be.
Half my life I felt like something was missing, something essential. I always had this thought at the back of my mind, perpetually. Sometimes faint, sometimes loud, but always persistent and in the background. And then one day it so happened that I finally felt complete. That's a moment I will always cherish. And it is so precious to me that words will never do justice to it. You can always use even the darkest of times as a springboard to propel you towards what you desire. A lot of times I was wondering if I'll be treated as a human, until one day I realised hey... It doesn't matter how someone else treats you, how do you feel about you? Isn't your own opinion a lot more valueable than someone else's? And then it was just easy. It was easy to release the fears, dissolve the craving for validation, and just let go of all the fetters. Who knows if I would have actively tackled that if not for that exact string of events? May not have, may not have needed to. Bit of a cat situation this, but who cares. I did what was necessary.
I am glad, truly.
Talking to Di and I just feel bad for her man. I never realised how lost people can get in life at times. She is talking about having a baby, thinking of doing an MBA and marrying under peer pressure all in the same breath. Shit dude. This stuff is so complicated. She said even though she feels the person is right, she would not have married if not for the social pressure of it all. I kinda felt bad saying I don't feel any of that pressure this time. Earlier I would blurt it out but now suddenly I realised that she maybe just had some weird extreme moments and got married even though she didn't want to.
Dayum.
I don't know what to say. I feel like this whole MBA thing is a random distraction now for her. Maybe an escape route of sorts. Idk. I don't get why someone would do a master's, a PhD and then want to top it off with an MBA too. Idk. Plus wanting to be pregnant and then doing an MBA simultaneously also sounds a bit hard to manage.
Why bring a kid into all this if you aren't happy? I get not being happy or making a mistake getting married etc but like how can you want to add a kid to this situation? I feel like she simply isn't honest with herself about what she wants. And usually it's okay to be that way when other people are not involved but I can't help but feel bad for her husband... Living a clueless life when you think your partner loves you, while they feel they should not have married etc is so bad man.
M says I should just stop talking to her lol. I guess I just have to ensure none of this touches me in a negative way.
I'm not even mad or angry or anything anymore. All this stuff used to trigger me, but now I just don't care about it as much. I would have been extremely annoyed earlier listening to this but now I just feel a sense of sympathy.
Looks like I've finally learnt to detach. Well, better late than never.
Hmmm okay I'm changing the structure of it a little bit. Damn I'm actually really enjoying myself while writing this. I think the bottle necks I face are when I'm not convinced with an idea so then I just don't complete it. But thought a bit more and I like the second storyline a bit better so let me try to get it right. Bold of me to have assumed I'll just take 24 hours to write it. Well, technically I could have if I hadn't meandered but what's the point of writing if you can't take the long scenic road to your destination. Anyway, let me try not to rush it. I'd like to get it right the way I want it.
Plus I'm actually excited to share it with M when I'm done. Hehe. It'll be fun to.
Started writing the story but man, it is not easy to just write in a flow. I feel so rusty. And it doesn't help that my incessant blogging has kind of changed my writing style a bit. Thought I'd be done in a day but it's deffo taking longer. Okay but nvm I do want to make it sweet and wholesome too. Will edit after the first draft otherwise I'll just spend too much time pondering and correcting minor things lol
Plus sitting in a place for too long is what is getting to me interesting. Keep getting up to walk around and stretch every 20 mins. Crazay.
Watched some random vids and the over sexualisation of everything was so off putting... And it's everywhere. Like all the fucking time I see women trying to be overtly sexual and men talking dirty publicly like they said something clever and uhhh man. It makes more and more sense why losers like Jordan Peterson has a following. When society is so broken that the only reward is dopamine from seeming alpha, where you trivialise and negate a person's worth unless they are debasing themselves then yes, people will be depressed and sad and not know why. Fuck. I find it genuinely disturbing. Esp when I see women who call it feminism to then act like guys and be overtly promiscuous. It's just so sad yo.
It's one thing to be that way with your own partner, but to display it like a hooker showing their wares and thinking it's cool is unbelievably broken. And talking down to guys in some form of a powerplay, negating them and then finally only liking someone who negates you cuz oh he treats me badly I need his approval. What a recipe for completely losing yourself.
You can have other aspects of your personality that help you shine, you don't just have to wear the skimpiest clothes yo. :(
Feel very sick today, no energy, feeling feverish. Want to work out a bit but still feeling v down. Not able to eat also, feeling too blah. Workout is one way to keep my head above water I feel. Helps feel upbeat. Well, glad that there is something that impacts mindset well. So easy to slip into glooms otherwise.
Fuck dude. I may get really frustrated with this guy from time to time, and I was wondering why I never quit on him and deep down I know why. - I just trust him. He is the first person in a long time... I don't even know if it's in a long time, I think he is one of the only people that I actually just trust. Strange na? I don't have a reason to, I don't really have anything concrete that would tell me I should, but I do.
Haha. Fuck, I have hated you in moments when I felt like you were being a dick to me. Sometimes out of my own sense of fears as well, which I may have projected on to you. But the one thing I don't fear is betrayal from you. That's actually funny. I can bank on the fact that you'll be a complete self centred asshole when you feel like it. And it'll irritate me lots in that moment and you'll never relent and eventually I will relent because fuck you, you are imp to me and one day instead of being an asshat you might just realise that I am imp to you as well, but but but... I do not for an instant think you'll betray me.
I don't even care much about the being an ass part, I guess the moments I've truly felt hurt are when you made me feel insignificant, like I don't matter. Those are moments I will not revisit again.
But I wonder sometimes... Will you never make me feel important? Cuz one day someone else might, and I'm a loyal person. I can only care about one person at a time. Would you really just rather drive me away?
Hmmm. These are questions that aren't for me to answer. For now, I'm just going to live my life. And in all of this. I trust you. The thing that was the hardest for me, actually just comes with complete ease when it's about you. That feels nice. And if you do tank it all with me, then I'll just accept it tbh. I don't have any room for fighting for relevance of importance etc anymore. It's either there or it's not.
Interesting are the things we fear. They give us an insight into what we want most. I want to know I'm cherished, wanted, loved. Hehe. I wonder what is yours? Well, you seem like you are afraid of love, so I guess it must be that you want to feel safe to love. Oh my. My protective instincts just fire up at the idea that you might have ever felt unsafe to love tbh. Well, no matter. The past has no bearing on the future, and as long as I'm in your life, I'll make sure you know you are safe asf with me. Hugzies.
There's a stoic principle that goes:
"Your moral responsibility lies in intent, not outcome"
I hard disagree here. Too many people out there assume a moral stance and then just do shitty things to others without any check in place because they believe they are operating from a place of greater good.
Yes, you can't control outcomes. But - assuming no responsibility for a bad outcome despite good intent is irresponsible as well.
A fundamental flaw with being human is simply like a chess board. You can't actually calculate all the variations available to discern the most morally correct outcome for everyone involved, so the axiom should be that - a mistake is inevitable, ergo do not be too enamoured with your own wisdom and morality and assume a stance of " I can't do wrong because I mean well "
To me it's one of the biggest faux sense of self appeasement out there. There is value in regret as well. Sometimes, if you do fuck up and fuck up bad, the fact that you feel remorse is what makes it better. Because you are atoning in your own way, the dejection you feel is a moral consequence.
Man, humans are complex.
