Pride

It's funny how I can't bring myself to hate the guy lol. Talking normally now. He also seems chill lol. So weird dude. Our equation is just strange in that neither of us quits on the other, and yet there is no proper transparency still between us. It disturbs me but I've stopped thinking about it. I guess it bothers me cuz I've seen what most people in his circle seem to think about women, like they are all scammy or want something or the other from guys. It's a v weird perspective, one that I hadn't encountered before. Maybe that's what coming from diff worlds means. My circle is all engineers and all women work and make money of their own so noone has ever been subjected to that kinda thinking. I'm so glad tbh. Made me realise how fucked it is and how badly the world can look at you just cuz you are a girl. And that's what the crux of the issue is for me cuz at the back of my mind I'm not certain he thinks well of me or not. I always took him on good faith, and there's never been a time I've asked him for anything or anyone else for that matter. So it never occured to me that there can be skepticism regarding me in his mind and the very thought is so abhorrent to me. It's the first time in my life someone has made me feel that and it's so fucking gross. Anyway, he should not have spoken to me ever if he thought even once that I wasn't trustworthy. I wouldn't have. I made the choice that night long ago after reading that trash about him that I believe in him being decent and I've always treated him well and without any bias. I deserve the same in the end. See that's the thing. Feelings being hurt I can and will always forgive. But my pride and self respect isn't something you can come after, that's simply a no no. And he needs to figure that on his own, I don't want to influence that in any way cuz these are decisions that only come from within. I'll give in to every demand and whim if I care about you, but I cannot part with my integrity for even you, that's just non negotiable. And a good man would never ask me to. So okay. It is what it is for now.

What can I say? Que sera sera:) 

Giving up is sometimes just a relief. After a long time I just felt okay today. Just stopped giving a shit about everything. Hope it lasts lol 

I'm also tired of seriousness and heaviness, I want to be happy, have fun, work hard and generally look forward to things. Just been feeling so bummed out these days. Like on some days I just feel a sense of sadness by evening. 

Just want the sun to shine again. Probably have to take steps to ensure that life feels more streamlined. I can't control anything else or anyone else. And I don't want to be weak or make decisions out of a sense of fear. And I won't. But until it feels better I have to manage this unsettled feeling inside of me. 

So much of my life I spent under the fear of loss. I'm just tired of it now. And I don't want to be afraid. I'm also tired of feeling like I have to always be doing the right thing or earn some value. The conversation I had with M gutted me. Literally. To think that my life came to a point where I had to ask for something so simple and be denied it for no reason just made me feel so, so, so bad. Is it fair to me? No. Fuck no. He should have not only been happy but also excited and glad he has someone like me by his side. That's god's honest truth. Instead I get treated like I have no value. Yet again, someone I've been good to, done right by... Just shows me no value. Every person I've been good to. Eventually leaves me at this point. And there's not a single thing I did to them that can be construed as wrong. And a whole lot of other manipulative, mean folks ... They get to do as they like. Lol. I hate it. I truly do. But I don't want to be afraid anymore. I just can't be. You don't want me? Ok. Go. I don't want anything from you, or anyone else. I never did earlier either, except just some niceness. Fuck it. If the goal is to always show me that my littlest expectations are to be denied me, then I shall simply not have any from you. And it'll be fine. This isn't an existential crisis you or anyone else needs to solve for me, I'll do it by myself. 

I search for a sweet, simple life. To have someone decent by my side, to be happy, to make them happy. That's all. Nothing complicated, nothing insane. Just decency, love and stability. Step by step I'll build back to how I want things to be. Atleast I've started and that's always the hardest step for me. Rest should happen in due time. Until then, I guess I just have to be busy. 

Relief

I was wondering about why people sabotage equations. I feel like some people have just met or rather entertained such awful people in their life that they simply don't allow for good people to enter. And when they sense someone is good, they want to test them and not make them relevant to a point where the good person will be like ok enough I'm outta here. And then person 1 just feels bad but it's like a self fulfilling prophecy. It sucks, but I think even I was in those kinda loops a lot of the times. I'd be friends with people that were harmful or people I was afraid of in some sense because it was familiar. Speaking about my feelings was a no no cuz I thought they wouldn't be honoured. And toxic folks do that, they make you feel small and don't want you to have any sense of self cuz that doesn't suit their needs. But I guess a point comes in life where you have to be honest with yourself about what you want. And be strong about knowing that you want and deserve that. It's v hard to convince yourself of the deserve part because your prior experience has always been the one where noone made you feel like you do. That's a shithole man. But gotta dig yourself out. And you don't have to be an achiever to deserve it. I used to base my self worth on accomplishments too but I realise it's wrong. I have worth inherent in me because I'm nice, I'm caring and I'm loyal. But more than that, I'm v accepting and non judgemental and that's always a plus. Slowly as I have reached a point where I've realised it, I've also healed and I'm aware of what I should get. The one thing I like about myself a lot is my belief in other people and knowledge that they too can change and become better. Maybe that's why I don't leave anyone behind, as long as I'm sure they are trying I'll be right there to also help them along. There needs to be a balance in that approach ofc. My needs also should be met and they have to give me that. It's the one thing that's slowly coming around too though. I'm more or less at ease with everyone in my life and I've found my voice and I don't shy away from saying what needs to be said. 

I guess that's why faith and belief is important. To know for sure that you are deserving is a huuuuge fucking battle to overcome when you have no start point. But slowly as you grapple with these thoughts, the way forward does become clear. Even in the dark moments, you have a find a way to continue, or rest if you must but not quit. Things do work themselves out well. 

I don't know what the future holds but for the first time I'm also not scared of it. I know there's no point in being fearful. I fully believe in the fact that what's meant to stay will find its way because that's the beauty of the universe. It puts you in spots but it also brings you to some treasured interactions and people and some of those people become family. It's a nice thought. 

And all said and done, one has to learn to honor and value the people that are good to us and not just take it for granted. That's the thought which was grim in my mind all of Jan... That if I had died I'd have died never even having had the validation of a simple hello. As dramatic as it is, it's true. If something had happened to me, I'd have perished not feeling like I matter. And there are certain finalities one cannot come back from no matter how much we try, so doing the right thing in the moment is important even if it seems trivial. 

I will not let my life come down to this point again. I refuse to be the victim of peoples' past trauma and baggage like it doesn't make sense to me to be hurt for shit I didn't do. Oddly enough I'm confident now that it wouldn't. Something inside me just unknotted and released and I understood in that moment that I'll have all I want and it'll come to me on its own. And I will only give my heart and my loyalty to someone who earns it the right way. Non negotiable. 

That thought makes me smile and genuinely look forward to life and all the adventures that will come my way. :)

Exhale

Okay let's try to be happy and light hearted. Nothing in life is too bad that some sleep and positivity won't fix it. 

Good things that are meant to stay will find a way. Freedom, happiness, and nurturing is the only way to grow any equation and it needs to be two ways and willingly bestowed not asked for. So I humbly accept that and I shall not push for anything ever, but I'll wait for what's meant to be for me to come to me on its own. I deserve that, I've had a lot of strife but I'm not going to let that bring me to my knees or clutch at something. And a big warm hug because you also deserve a lot of love and care, I'll never be stingy about that when it comes to you. :)

And however I am feeling, just gotta push myself to stick to my schedule and get the things that need my attention done. One step at a time. The good part of immersing in stuff is that it doesn't leave you with enough time to ponder anything, which is the need of the hour for now. 

Whatever. Let's be happyyyyy

Wow... Okay. Lol. I legit have nothing to say to this. I don't get it, but it's just hmmm. Idk. Guess it is what it is. 

Lol. Funnily enough I'm neither mad nor angry. I'm just fine and I'm glad we spoke. I hated not speaking to him, just hated it. 

Weirdly enough it wasn't a dishonest conversation. It baffles me why saying hi is such a big deal to him. I know he isn't trying to be mean, he is just idk... Being himself I guess. And I was never looking to force an equation that doesn't exist. I just legit felt we were good friends. And we are. Which is why it's so surreal and strange. I mean, I get if we hadn't known each other at all, but we have for over a year and a half now. That's a long time. And not being on the show shouldn't change that. I actually prefer to be friends outside of it anyway, I don't like having so many people around who might want to second guess xyz things. It's v intrusive and strange to me. My friendships are all one on one. And the show isn't something I can be on forever, it's his work and I don't want to interfere there. So idk. I guess going forward if there is still a friendship that remains then we might have to figure a way around it if he also wants that. But it's up to him. I'm tired of feeling like I have to do the work. When he says "I'll do what I want", he should realise that not doing that thing can make me feel insignificant. If roles were reversed, would he have liked it if I said that to him? He would have haaated me and how. Lol. I am very fond of him and I'd like him to be an actual, active part of my life...but I don't want to mix the show thing and friendship. It doesn't work for me. I've always been the type to have an equation that's straightforward and that whole work knowing things is too strange. I don't want that at all. So anyway, I'll let it be. If he feels like it, he can figure what he would like and if there is some middle ground. And he also has to pull his weight without being prompted, but maybe he doesn't understand what that means for me. And he will. He isn't an idiot, he will figure. But it's okay, in due time these things can be learnt sometimes there are hiccups. Plus even in friendships there needs to be legitimacy. That's fair and not even a tall ask..its just weird that he assumed I was saying call me over insta. Like no. Talk to me properly and be normal and treat me like a whole person. I'm not some stray dog you throw scraps to. It's strange that he feels like I'm asking him to part with something precious. Ironically he is someone I consider precious and I've done a lot to make sure he feels safe and nice with me. Felt gutted when he said he thought I didn't wanna talk to him. Like wtf. How can he ever think I wouldn't? After all this while how tf can that thought even cross his mind? I've always been there for him, always. He should be able to take that for granted by now. And I will be too. I like openness and between us there shouldn't be any need to have weird facades. And I deserve and want kindness and legitimacy, it's not a lot to ask for any more. I've also done my part, so I won't question myself here. I'm sure he understands. I trust him, he will figure it out. Actually feel happy saying that. :) and I just want a sweet, simple equation with him, that's all. No bullshit, no drama... Just laugh about stuff, ask about day, generally discuss sports yadayada. Nothing complicated. 

I'm actually feeling quite light hearted too now. Atleast there's no bad blood on either side. I hope he feels the same way too. And I owe him an apology for acting the way I did. 

So cheers. Let's smile, life is sunny and good. Have lots of other stuff to do, so should get busy with that. Hopefully all this sorts itself out and blows over. Not a child it seems. Ofc you are, but that's part of the reason why you are so precious, so don't change it ever. Love you lots. 

 Lol sudden throwbacks

Lol broke the ice on a whim. This is why should not get up early. Oh well. How long to be angry too. Fuck it, life's too short for that. 

Waking up at 6 am wtf. Lmao. The perks of sleeping early. Or ARE THEY? 

who tf wakes up at this ungodly hour. Fuck it, going back to sleep. 

Oh god what song is this hahahah fuck need to find. Creativity 💯

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C3GDDzBNPJL/?igsh=NndwcTYzdDZhcDRh

Oh my this is such a beautiful song. Oh god. Heartbreaker 

Thylacine: Albeniz. Oo the guitar and the immersion... I love it. 

Recovery

Finally body is recovering whew! 🖕

I've started enjoying this random mid day routine of writing out bs. Idk when it became a habit but it's kinda fun. Lol. I don't think I've written this extensively ever in my life. Even my diaries as a kid were all filled up but not as elaborate. I do have a love for writing, or rather I'm developing it maybe. Slowly trying to rediscover other passions in life too. Time will pass anyway, might as well use it in bits I enjoy doing.

Something about sunny days also makes me happy. Esp spring time cuz the city looks pretty in parts. Something about the permanence of nature and trees has always been soothing to observe. Even the tree outside my window starts to flower and makes me feel a tiny bit happier than I did before I looked at it. Small pleasures. I've been trying to make note of them all to practice a sense of gratefulness. Let's see how I do. 

Been seeing some of Nadia Bryan's reels, she seems like a sweet person. All about her kids though. Funny how your entire life starts to revolve around kids once you have them. She seems to have a good marriage though, which is nice. Lots of times sports folks tend not to, but both these two dudes seem very grounded and loving. I enjoy knowing people can be that way. It's important to be able to believe in the fact that good folks are around too I guess. I usually don't really pay a lot of attention to insta shit but every once in a while something seems wholesome. 

Randomly came across my old colleagues' profile on insta and added him on a whim. First time I'm sharing mine with someone other than the 4 people I had and instantly all the rest of those guys popped up on my suggestions lol. It's just hard to keep social media on the down low sometimes but I don't wanna go back to adding the whole world and then have my feed be about people. I'd rather still keep in touch with folks personally. Except for a few. Just easier imo. Was speaking to him a little, he is on a solo trip at the moment and sent some pics of the places he went to. Soooo gorgeous. Somehow I always tend to meet people who are kinda offbeat and are comfy with themselves. I remember he and I had this huuuuuge debate on which is a better movie... Tron Legacy or Rush hahahaha. Man. So smashed we got and then debated for literal hours. Honestly just have the weirdest times with folks and yet it's the fucking best. Hehe. Cheers to the crazies. You all are interesting, intelligent and fun. Glad I know you all. 

Damn I'm actually feeling so unwell. Stomach hurts like crazy, been feeling weird all week. Ugh I don't wanna go to a doc hope it fixes itself. What's even wrong? Those stupid mushrooms I had? But that was a few days back and I've been feeling uncomfortable since that day. Or are the eggs I got spoilt? Ugh. Idk something is off. 

These days I just get scared of something minor too cuz it feels like what if it ends up being something major? 

Okay bad negative thoughts lol. Forget it. 

Literally like clockwork. Weep the night before and periods arrive by next day. FML. 💀

And the amount I fucking cried last night sheesh. Like a complete baby. Feeling v unwell today - fever, cramps, low energy, stomach feels fucked and no appetite. Just fucking kill me already 🙄😒😫

Kelvin Kiptum

Oh my god. I'm stunned and gutted to read this wtf. No way. Was literally just hoping this year be breaks sub 2. Wtffff. Oh damn. This is heartbreaking. And only 24 wtf. And he was literally training to make the sub 2 barrier this April I was so kicked to see it finally happen

Fuck...just yesterday I was thinking about how life can be so transient and I wake up to read this fuck fuck fuck. It could happen to anyone anytime. This is so scary. 

Damn: https://hikosuru.blogspot.com/2023/10/kelvin-kiptum.html

I wrote this last oct, waiting for him to do wonders this year fuck in a matter of months he is gone. Idk why I'm so unsettled by this but I am. 

World record holder, attempting a feat no man ever had accomplished and dead. All by 24. 

Rip. GG. 

Wow so I have fever and a raging headache to boot. Had a bout of feeling awful then cried. And as I'm typing this now I feel sad and horrid and I also know my periods are a couple of days away so this might be why since I always cry atleast once the night before they come around. But just at this moment, my god I feel so, so, so sad. 

I actually just want to cry lots, I'm just so fucking weepy rn. My friend asked me some v point blank questions and for once I gave straight answers. It wasn't easy and I didn't like doing it. I think I kinda even see talking behind someone's back as betraying them and I hate doing it. I like being proud of people and in general want my friends and family to like them and see them in a positive light cuz they all have high standards. In the end - presenting a united front, being respected, having that tight knit unit is very imp to me. Part of why I never discuss anything personal about my relationships ever is cuz I don't like the world knowing any of the strifey bits. Even if I'm struggling, I don't want someone else to know or portray any person I care about as less than in any way to the outer world. But I can't lie to them and sugarcoat things and pretend to be proud of someone if internally I feel ashamed of them. Lord, find me a person that can earn their respect and that I can be proud of genuinely.  Because I will noooooot be able to like someone I can't look up to in some way atleast.

Fucking periods I can't even see straight rn cuz my eyes are so damn teary I could cry. Hehe. I see what I did there. 

Ugh. I should just sleep. Things will feel better once this pms lifts. 

Lmaooo getting this notif from an app at 2 am in the morning 💀

Fuck... What a complete joke this is.  Hahhaha. Oh man. Someone's out to flip me off. 

Undressed

 

Soft notes for the devil. Interesting.

Whenever I see depictions like these, it always makes me feel a bit softer, kinder and imagine the ragey mask to be nothing but a defence mechanism of someone hurting inside it. And it's lovely to me that this art is paired with such a soft song. 

Peoples' anger doesn't scare me. It makes me want to hug them, be there for them and hope they learn to smile. I like it when everyone is happy. Maybe it's selfish of me, since peoples' moods around me impact mine. So in attempting to make them happy, I'm trying to catch on to the light and positivity to make myself smile too. Is there no unselfish act? Does it matter? Do we need a medal for upholding imagined moralities? I don't think so. It's enough to try and do what you best can. Sometimes that may not even turn out how you expect it. But doesn't mean you should not try. Maybe this is why we also need the idea of luck. We are flawed and so error prone that sometimes right time, right place is needed to make things easier. It's comforting to know randomness and chance may make the right choice you ache to, but aren't able to. Happens to the best of us. 

Passacaglia

 

... And the timely honk that breaks the reverie

Listening to Nat King Cole and Sinatra. Oof. What an era of men. With their tilted hats and deep voices and soft sides that croon.