Plato's republic

Finally halfway through it!!! 

But I as usual have something to nitpick here. He proposes that rulers be philosophers. Does he not see the inherent flaw in that theory? :(

Affectionate stability

I hope I'm doing the right thing. On balance. It's weird na... Trying to put yourself first often means putting others second. I hate doing that. It's so hard for me to do that too. I'm sure my bouts of unintentional selfishness may exist, but consciously I don't think I see people as a heirarchy, rather as a circle. 

But I have been very either/or and I have lately started wondering if it's too idk. Like too staunch maybe? I think the one area where I have consistently dropped the ball is resolving conflicts. I used to just let things pile up, then decide I can't take it anymore and then remove myself from that situation. I don't think that's a good approach any longer. But I think my fear always was that if I do say things people will simply not care. And it wasn't unfounded either. Cuz they didn't. And when your caregivers consistently behave like that, you do end up defaulting to an approach that's designed to minimise knowing that your feelings are of no consequence. I don't think people even understand how self negating that behaviour is. Like yesterday, I was watching some random Jolly vid, and I legit love how wholesome their yt is. And one of them was talking about how he used to be insecure but the sense of security you feel when you realise you are loved, just makes all other insecurities minimal. I think that's genuinely the baseline from which peace can be derived. And both of them dote on their spouses, their friends, their community. The one contrast that stood out to me was when M was cringing at the thought of calling some woman a 'queen'. While I too hate the word because of its imperiousness, his reaction was so telling. It made me wonder if he equates showing affection with putting yourself below a person.  Because it does take a sense of security to be able to say that word while knowing it doesn't diminish you in any way. I'm only talking about the genuine ones not the simplords who are debasing themselves. He probably meant the latter I guess. 

But yeah, when I do see the friendship and camaraderie that exists between those two lifelong friends and how much ollie, who is a creative genius imo, dotes on his friend. It reminds me of me. I love showering affection on people in general and making them feel nice. The thoughtful things he does, how he jokes about with them, it's all so laden with care. I resonate with it cuz I guess in my heart I am built for seeing the best in folks and acknowledging those sides of them openly so they know I see how wonderful they are. I don't think I'd have a problem calling someone my highness lol. I'd love it, and I'd love teasing and coaxing them, all the while being steady so they know I always have their backs. I used to think I was flighty, but I've been discovering these past few years that I'm actually very, very steady, reliable and loyal. Peace, love, care... these are the bedrocks of my soul. I never realised or appreciated how underneath all my layers of goofiness and tomfoolery how much of a traditional, feminine woman I actually am, but now I've started seeing that and I like it. Guess I've finally discovered what I'm about. ♥️ And I looove how instinctively I know how to cherish folks and do my bit so they know they can rely on me. Even that day when I was feeling so much pain, I made sure I showed up for M's bday and stuck around cuz it was an imp day for him. I don't think he realises what it took, or how I did that despite his actions hurting me, but even then I didn't choose to put myself over him, but rather just kept it a circle. Who knows...maybe someday he would actually understand it. Hmmm. I think that's my best quality. All the rest of it (and I know I do have a bunch of entertaining ones), all of them pale in comparison to my core, which I can now say is rock solid. :)

Well, I'm glad I now have a tight knit circle of close ones who I am taking forward in life and I hope as life goes on and if and when additions come around, I'm able to keep them all close and love love love them lots! 

I'd like that! Cheers, clink clink!

Discoveries

It's not a Fri-yay until you have deep intellectual discussions about Harry Potter characters banging each other. 

Click click

A pic came up in my photos lmaooo. Look at me posing 🤣. Oh god the cringe is unreal. I'm sure there's a few more where I'm pulling this bs haha.

I don't relate to this girl at all anymore! Now I cut my own fringe and roam around looking like a groomed dog. Not saying that's better but definitely preferable to this lolol. ಠಿ⁠_⁠ಠಿ The more I've embraced my goofy side, the less knotty I've become. And an interesting side effect has been not giving a hoot about weird makeup first looks. I was never one to cake a lot of it on, but even the little I used to indulge in, has steadily reached a point of bare minimum, and only for occasions. 

Still like a good smoky eye though, it's the one thing I've always loved and always will. Or a neatly executed winged eyeliner. That I'll be weak kneed for anyyyy day of the week. 

Why did I stay up till 3am lmaooo?! Can't seem to open my eyes ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ

Slow and Steady

I think that day...When I just got so sad and worried. Somewhere I just realised how overlooked I've felt almost all my life. I think that's what hurt me so profoundly, that realisation that everytime I let someone into my feels, it just becomes a ticking clock until that person straight up decides to be indifferent to me. I've never been able to understand why that happens to me. Even when I try to wait and take my time, something just goes wrong and it all just blows up in my face.

Lol, how very unfortunate :) And yet, for once I'm okay with that. Maybe if circumstances don't change...it's not a big deal, cuz my reactions can. And I'm going to be a lot more careful about caring for someone, only those who deserve it, and make the effort to reciprocate, like most people in my life now! Meghu, Di, Raves, S, Stonu. All of them are great and have been very genuine and caring with me as well. And they all make an effort to show me that, as I do for them. I'm really happy about that! 

Goody! 

And I'm also really glad at how steady I've become, especially when it comes to confronting my fears. A little more time and I'm sure I'll be in my element. I look forward to it. 

Stuck

Journeys

Sometimes I wonder where mine might be leading. In my mind it just seems like a distant destination, one I can't define or grasp. But I keep looking at that one elusive star, I'm not sure what I'll find there. A fragment of affirmation, maybe? Idk. I wish I did though. 

Here on out

Is it okay if I call you mine

From here on out? 

As if I could ever stop

When you laugh, its like a light

That fills me up

'Cause you are my love

Like when I fell into your eyes

I could not get out

And I could not get enough. 

I like this song so much, the lyrics are so gentle. And that asking permission thing is sooo...idk. I totally relate to the sentiment there, the clumsiness it hides makes me feel things. I think there's so much beauty in fragility and it takes but a moment to unlock it. 

One of the few that I can sing well too. As if I could ever stooop. ♥️

Mums

Waking up to a flurry of texts from Di ranting about her mom lol. My phone wouldn't quit buzzing, thought my alarm was going off. 

No matter how old you become, parents have a special way of just triggering the crap out of us lmaoo. She, me, M... All of us have that exact reaction with our moms. 😅 

Man, I know she is venting but I find this hilarious too

Ugh

I almost told M about that conversation I had with his friend and what made me feel so grossed out. But I didn't. Man. Aaaah. I'm so annoyed. And even rn just thinking about it makes me feel so sick. No guy in my life has ever had the audacity to straight up, even as a joke say something like " If you want someone to impregnate you, let me know" 

Ugghhh. Like hoooowww. Even as a joke and I wrote off every other thing he said as a joke, how does someone just say that shit to a woman?! Howww? Idk is this my fault? Is being nice and talking to someone just opening the door to letting them say this stuff? I'm so mad at him and at myself for not calling it out more strongly than I did right then and there. But ffs I kept on saying I like someone, I'm not indulging this and changing topic. And he isn't a child, he is like 40 or so. In fact, he has a child. Fuck. I truly do not understand people sometimes. . 

It's been two weeks and even now the memory of this bs makes me feel so dirty. It's like he took something I cherish, something that's so so so private for me and just sullied it and idk I feel so grossed out by it all. And you know what? I'm mad at myself for being such a wimp that I didn't just throw a fit and end the conversation. I should have. I'm a complete moron for being this gullible. Serves me right for constantly finding excuses for how people choose to behave. 

Fuck it. I just want to forget it ever happened. And I'm never ever ever ever letting my guard down around anyone ever again. I fucking hate humanity. 

Edit: Great. I finally told meghana and she is also giving me a earful about always having rose tinted glasses and being an overall dumbass. Well, she is right. I deserve all the scoldings I get.

Smiles

Woke up feeling all happy and princess like on my light pink bed lol. All these small, simple joys I had closed my eyes to for so long! It's nice that I'm finally not stuck in that 'shut down' mindspace I was in post 2019. I walked around like a zombie for a couple of years, no feelings whatsoever. But this last one year has slowly and steadily made me happy and calm. I definitely have my moments of insecurity but on balance I can see a path that I want to follow and the person I want to grow into. And the best part? I feel like I'm quite lovable now hehe. :) 

I don't want to articulate what changed and I'm not a superstitious person but I feel like it was a bit of right place, right time and a sprinkle of destiny that helped me along. So a heartfelt thanks for making that difference, I'm quite in love with who I am and how I feel about myself now, and it wouldn't have happened had that nudge not come by. 

Sometimes it's good to just let life do its thing and let the right people and situations come by of their own accord. I think the right ones also will find a way to stay. Once I realised that - all that I used to fear just left me in an instant. And I believe everything will fall into its rightful place sooner or later.

HP

I know it's not accepted as a masterpiece anywhere but why the hell not? I've legit never read a book that's so easy to consume and yet has surprises. It's a modern day Agatha Christie in its plot and simplicity. 

Actually been trying to find some that might have similar elements or styles but it's so hard. I remember liking Stroud's Bartimaeus books, but even they kind of petered out for me later on. And all the YA stuff I have read has never been impressive. They are so lacking in details and narrative that just ends up like some B grade, forgettable Netflix show. 

Hmmm. Need to quest. 

SO GOOD...

I can't stop DANCING TO THIS 

Bow bow!!

Faaak! Sooooo good!!

Dumdumdumdum

A peek of pink

Reading up on chess and doing some haircare. And I got a new moisturizer called cake butter that makes me smell like a baked good.

On a whim of femininity, I also changed my sheets to the pink floral ones I rarely use cuz it makes me feel like a lil tuft of cotton on them. Hehe. 

I'm enjoying pampering myself so much today! Idk why I act like a boisterous monkey around people when I secretly enjoy all these things 🤭

I feel so girly and nice rn omg.

Black

Tried cycling a little and felt faint. Wtf. Hope I don't have the flu :(