I hope I'm doing the right thing. On balance. It's weird na... Trying to put yourself first often means putting others second. I hate doing that. It's so hard for me to do that too. I'm sure my bouts of unintentional selfishness may exist, but consciously I don't think I see people as a heirarchy, rather as a circle.
But I have been very either/or and I have lately started wondering if it's too idk. Like too staunch maybe? I think the one area where I have consistently dropped the ball is resolving conflicts. I used to just let things pile up, then decide I can't take it anymore and then remove myself from that situation. I don't think that's a good approach any longer. But I think my fear always was that if I do say things people will simply not care. And it wasn't unfounded either. Cuz they didn't. And when your caregivers consistently behave like that, you do end up defaulting to an approach that's designed to minimise knowing that your feelings are of no consequence. I don't think people even understand how self negating that behaviour is. Like yesterday, I was watching some random Jolly vid, and I legit love how wholesome their yt is. And one of them was talking about how he used to be insecure but the sense of security you feel when you realise you are loved, just makes all other insecurities minimal. I think that's genuinely the baseline from which peace can be derived. And both of them dote on their spouses, their friends, their community. The one contrast that stood out to me was when M was cringing at the thought of calling some woman a 'queen'. While I too hate the word because of its imperiousness, his reaction was so telling. It made me wonder if he equates showing affection with putting yourself below a person. Because it does take a sense of security to be able to say that word while knowing it doesn't diminish you in any way. I'm only talking about the genuine ones not the simplords who are debasing themselves. He probably meant the latter I guess.
But yeah, when I do see the friendship and camaraderie that exists between those two lifelong friends and how much ollie, who is a creative genius imo, dotes on his friend. It reminds me of me. I love showering affection on people in general and making them feel nice. The thoughtful things he does, how he jokes about with them, it's all so laden with care. I resonate with it cuz I guess in my heart I am built for seeing the best in folks and acknowledging those sides of them openly so they know I see how wonderful they are. I don't think I'd have a problem calling someone my highness lol. I'd love it, and I'd love teasing and coaxing them, all the while being steady so they know I always have their backs. I used to think I was flighty, but I've been discovering these past few years that I'm actually very, very steady, reliable and loyal. Peace, love, care... these are the bedrocks of my soul. I never realised or appreciated how underneath all my layers of goofiness and tomfoolery how much of a traditional, feminine woman I actually am, but now I've started seeing that and I like it. Guess I've finally discovered what I'm about. ♥️ And I looove how instinctively I know how to cherish folks and do my bit so they know they can rely on me. Even that day when I was feeling so much pain, I made sure I showed up for M's bday and stuck around cuz it was an imp day for him. I don't think he realises what it took, or how I did that despite his actions hurting me, but even then I didn't choose to put myself over him, but rather just kept it a circle. Who knows...maybe someday he would actually understand it. Hmmm. I think that's my best quality. All the rest of it (and I know I do have a bunch of entertaining ones), all of them pale in comparison to my core, which I can now say is rock solid. :)
Well, I'm glad I now have a tight knit circle of close ones who I am taking forward in life and I hope as life goes on and if and when additions come around, I'm able to keep them all close and love love love them lots!
I'd like that! Cheers, clink clink!
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