Cherry cherry cherry on 🔝

I played M in a game today, was sooo nice. He went so easy on me and I lost ofcourse but was epic fun. Guess he isn't mad about me raging last night haha. Good. It's hard to gauge reactions just over text, or even intent tbh. So idk how much of what I say gets translated as what. Oh well, better he learn to deal with it now itself lol. There's many things I can change about myself but worrying about someone and subsequently annoying them about it doesn't seem to be one of them. Too bad M, and good luck. ^⁠_⁠^ ( I'm not even ashamed of saying this )

Idk why but I suddenly realised today that underneath the rage monster he claims to be, he is a total softie. I'm sure he tries to hide that side lots. I think his semi trash talk made me realise it, he kept it so sweet and funny, I basically melted. 

Hmmm..I'd actually like to hear him go hard with the trash talk with some strong opponents, that would be very, very interesting. 

Come to think of it, even I'd love to take him on in a battle of wits, I'm dying to probe how well he holds his ground lol. Not in a serious way, cuz I know he would DIE if thought he was being actually challenged, and lord help us if he thought he was losing lmao. Fuck hahahah. He would just get sooooo obscenely competitive. Every fibre in his being would get dug in at the thought. :⁠-⁠D. It would be hard to get along if that happened. I don't think he knows how competitive I can be, and yeah, you can't peacefully coexist if you turn things into a win- lose scenario. However, I doo want just a teeny bit of verbal jousting to know what mischief he hides up those sleeves. I bet there's some fun stuff there, but I guess not in front of other people. You gotta be on your best behaviour in front of them, sadly. I wanna talk to him and hear it 1:1, without those stupid public facades. It's a bit irritating to have to be semi formal in front of other people, but I guess it's a necessity. So fine, whatever.

All in all, a fairly interesting day - today. May there be mo mo moooohh! 

Men

Won't sleep peacefully until they worry the crap out of you. Then you act crazy and annoy them. And then they'll get all dug in, and you'll get all dug in and stalemate. 

The cycle of ages continues.  

Cleansing

The trash tv with some epic music. I love these two, reminds me of the dingy pubs at 18, getting high and making out. The taste of a lover's tongue on mine, mixed with beer and the scent of smoke, his hand travelling up my spine.

The memory of the lover is faint, but I remember these moments. It was the first time I realised I loved the feel of a strong hand cradling me. Guess that's why I have a thing for hands, the strong ones make me feel safe and protected, and I feel free to open up and share sides of me that very few have been privvy to. 

Mockingbird - Barclays James Harvest

Stationary Traveller - Camel

But the times I fell in love...I think I always heard Sting, cuz I wanted them to know the shape of my heart and by myself...walk in fields of gold. 💞

Being young and heady had its perks

Funny, there's a song I can think of that makes me think of you too, but I'm too much of a wuss to ever share that with you. Plus who knows, maybe I'm just not sweet enough to do so lol ;)

Girls' day out

Today. Lolol, and I've been told to dress up, specifically haha. Alrighty, imma look pretty for the ladies today, heels and all. :D

Snark

Idk if it's the period pains or pms or what but I couldn't help myself and just sent a few semi snarky texts ugh. Why am I like this? It's been ages since I felt anything close to possessiveness but fuck, I just hate myself when I feel this way, esp as I have no actual right to be. But damn, I legit hate it. Having said that, it's not an excuse. Need to pull it together and maybe also apologise. 

Lmao

Basically, lol

😑

Periods and that shit. Fml. I need to go out get my mind off for a while. Feeling sick and I hate it. AND feel like having a nice beer, but I won't so that sucks. 

Bleh

L pinged today, demanding to know why I haven't been in touch. The audacity. Cuz you keep backstabbing everyone, lady. Such an egoistic, self obsessed way of talking. 

I can't believe the kind of people I used to be friends with, like seriously. I think I was so used to making an effort for people that they just took me for granted most times. Guess I learnt the value of reciprocity very late in life. But it's a good metric to judge intent. If someone isn't meeting you half way or generally just relies on you to put in the effort, then it's best to hold back from them. I hate having to consciously do that though, it feels like you are playing games with people, something I hate to do. Just keep it simple, guys. It's not that hard. Be nice, show you care, take an interest in others' lives and things will be smooth. Funny how the basics are like rocket science to some folks. Then again, took me forever to learn the basics as well so who am I to chide others. Sheesh. 

Glad you are out of mine for good L, wish I hadn't wasted as much time on you as I did. 

Whatever, I'm going try and get some sleep! Was up all night for no reason and now I'm cranky asf. Goodnight world!

Awake

Wide, wide awake. 

Found a synthwave version of the song now lol. I hope I never tire of you. Feels like I'm riding a sine wave of lil beads of light a la Einstein. 

In the middle of the night, with my room really cold, in the midst of reading random conversations, with the impending doom of my periods looming and a whole lot of chess, all I end up wondering about is just that one thing. 

I sometimes wish I wasn't so shy inside. But I don't know who else to be. 

Ok

Hearing Canon in D again. Lol, it never fails to cheer me up. Why do I love it so much? Heard some weird drum version and still turned into goo. Ditto every other one I checked out. Dammit. It's like every bit of negativity leaves me and just lets me go back to natural state. Like I feel for Rachmaninoff, the only thing better than finding you, would have been finding you sooner! I love you, love you, love you so so so muchhhh! ♥️

If

God were to tell a joke, would mankind laugh for all eternity?

Fry-yay

Imma quiz tonight woohooo! Gotta beat those suckers from the last time, hope they show up 😬😈

Fuck, competing for that shitty prize is so worth it, I love it so much. Last time M and I almost banished a team of ten, felt so damn good. 

All those years of diving into stupid ass interests finally paying off.

Ooo

My old groovy, sexy song

So my vibe, love how slow and seductive the beats are. Just slow dance and sing it, perfect rhythm at times.

Diversity

Yesterday was fun. Lots of tennis talk, lots of technicalities discussed. Quite enjoyed that. There's so many new ways to teach beginners stuff now. I used to always believe in a natural gameplay whether it was tennis or basketball. Like get your eye on the ball and the body will follow the movement it needs to. I must have overestimated it lol. My tennis coach when I started used to keep telling me I don't complete the swing and stubborn child that I was, I kept thinking it's okay not to since I could anyway have power in my shots. But now I understand so much better. Thank fuck humility is a skill I've learnt to cultivate. 

I loved M yesterday, so in his element. I wish more people were interested in learning, the quality of stuff he could do would be so much higher if they wanted it so. Even the discussions. There are times when the more diverse ones come around and they discuss art, music, movies or random tidbits. Or the stupidly funny ones with their silly lines, which are enjoyable too. I like all of those parts. The range is great, music always complements. 

I guess the only ones I find depressing is when it's that one guy just talking rubbish, then people piling on to bully him and some random girl explicitly hitting on M, or if we are lucky, a bunch of them. I never get that, how can you be so lame that you feel like you need to throw yourself at him so openly. I wonder if he finds it flattering. He might, boys will be boys lol. I guess my meter is more "if a guy said this to a girl" and the minute you reverse the gender it looks so cheap. I remember when the mang dude was dming. He ended up telling me things like I want you tied up etc, and all of it was said as a joke in the same way. But when you read it back later, it sounds so tacky. Lol, maybe everyone just does that from the get go idk. I'm a very sexual person too, but showing it to the world like some cheap wares you are hawking is yuk. Glad he stopped doing it with me, unlike boys, I don't actually find all this flattering in the least. 

Oh well screw that line of thought. Back to quality lol. Hope the frequency of M being able to talk about stuff he is passionate about goes up. I can tell there's an avid researcher in him that likes to deep dive into topics that interest him, but I don't think he gets to actually discuss all of it at length. Wonder if he likes debating. Haha...but knowing him...he wouldn't indulge in a discussion or a debate unless he felt he knew as much or more than the other person lol. And he will definitely gun for more, cuz so competitive. I do hope he gets a few more of the followers who enjoy diversity in their conversations and interests. Would definitely level up the experience for him and the rest. But then I'll end up spending so much time holy cow 😅. Felt so tired at night cuz I spent the entire day since 6am in front of the monitor. 

Aaand I realise now it's time to get out of bed. Okay laterzzz!

TREK

NEXT ONE WHEN I NEED A HILL TO CLIMBBBBB. MAKE IT STOP RAINING LE ROCKS BECKON ME

Hmmm

Do you all really not believe in marriage? How sad is that? I always thought I'd be a nice wife lol. 

Like my fav drink that I haven't had in ages, maybe I'm just too old fashioned. 

Oh well, I will take the plunge someday. Didn't work on myself all these years just to go back to that stupid commitment phobia.

Yeah, fuck it. Imma be a fantastic wife and no husband of mine is cheating on me. Screw the rest of the world. 🤺