An old friend texted me on discord after years and his opener was:
"Waggo.
OK so super random and weird, but I remembered you yesterday after eons because I was watching a video about identifying psychopaths and I remember we talked a lot about narcissists. "
Things that remind people of me lmfaoo. Wish he had just stopped at psychopaths, would have been 🤌
Curating cuz I love it. *\0/*
Raves pinged me last night. I was feeling low and asked him to tell me some fun fact and he goes " so me and my gf went to a sex club yesterday" lmao. Not what I was expecting, but deffo jolted me out of my funk. He then told me about them being in an experimental phase and how he doesn't know where it's going but he is trying his best to understand it. For once, I felt a generation gap kick-in inside me as I heard him out. I feel like the younger ones are trying a lot to explore the concept of open relationships. A nightmare concept in my opinion. I don't fundamentally get how someone can be open to seeing new people, having fun with them and still stay commited. I feel like younger people don't have a long term view on life, and maybe the in the moment stuff then makes them feel thrills. I recall my experimental phase, but I always chose to do it when I was single. For the life of me, the idea of someone I'm with wanting to or actually banging someone else just brings out such a visceral hate in me. It's the one time I'm simply not in control of my emotions.
It made me think about J after an eternity, someone I simply chose to erase from my memory and life because of such an event. He wanted me to just stand by as an option while he chose to fuck all of tinder. It was in that moment I realised that I can forgive people if they hurt my feelings, but if they mess with my pride, a side of me comes out that is rarely seen. J wanted me to act normal and be chill with him fucking around because " he told me about it ". I had a near instant rebound, and a part of it was definitely fuelled by vengeance. That last night in his car when I told him there's no room for him in my life and he broke down, it made no difference to me at that point. And that indifference continues to this day. Even as I type this, no part me of actually cares about him any longer. It died the minute I said those words. It surprises me somewhat, given that J was a person that made me consider the idea of marriage, and was so dependent on me that it made me feel responsible for him. I guess ego is the one savior I have when it comes to protecting myself. I have the ability to deal with a lot of difficulties, but breaking a sacrosanct covenant touches a part in me that basically goes into annihilation mode. Lol. Side note - I don't mind that you chose to break my heart, J. But did you really have to be so brutal in your efficiency? Did you really have to leave me feeling like the most unlovable person on the planet? I'm glad you tindered tbh, atleast it got me to leave. Your dad's cancer and all the stuff you were dealing with might have prolonged my suffering in my desire to help see you through it. What a joke love sometimes turns out to be.
Maybe Raves doesn't have the same spectrum of possessiveness that I do. Or maybe it's different for guys, idk. But fuck you if think I'll ever be some rando option in your life lmao. I think in some sense I do view relationships as a bit of a transaction maybe. If I'm willing to look at the best in you, help you, care about you and people in your life, then the least I expect in return is respect and consideration. Idk if it's more a hardline approach or not romantic in it's essense, but I can't devalue the effort I consistently put for the sake of people around me.
I'm very interested to see where this experiment leads Raves. Is it a truly a gen gap, or just a learning experience that will get him to understand my pov after he is done with that phase.
Curiouser and curiouser, as Alice might say. You live, you fuck up, you learn and you come back to the mean.
P.S. - happy birthday to an old friend, wherever you are, I hope you are doing well.
Sometimes I feel like I say things without thinking, and people just get offended. I don't even mean to, and I've never once had an instinct to willingly or casually hurt someone, yet it feels like no matter how hard I try, some days I just can't do anything right. It's like the words have a life of their own, and people insist on finding the worst interpretation of it. I can't understand if this is operating from a space of no faith in me, or is it just me that's flawed. Can people really not see how much I actually care about them? Or does all of that just get washed away in an instant?
For as long as I can remember, I used to feel like an outsider just looking in. That feeling had levelled off the last couple of years, but stuff like this just brings it all back.
Bleh, I should just not talk to anyone.
Edit: You know what...fuck it. I thought about it and I'm sick of just blaming myself when I didn't do anything wrong. I'm not putting up with bs, uncalled for treatment from anyone.
Really restless this eve so here goes another bit of thought collection.
I ended up missing most of chess today and halfway down the day I realised I really like talking to M so much. He was winding up by the time I logged on, and a little part of me was like "ohh maaan" lol.
Idk why but I keep sensing that a very sweet, shy person lurks underneath all that aggression. I'm not actually sure about the shy part, but I deffo think he is waaay nicer than he lets people know. (Still remember that backstreet boys song he played lmao, it was the first thing that actually captured my attention.) Weird are the things that fascinate me, but these little little things are what make someone so endearing in my books.
I actually wanna ask him so many many questions. Bet he will think I'm a total lunatic if I bombard him with all of them one shot. Hahaaha. That might be funny though. Just send a questionnaire with a request that it's answered diligently and elaborately. Dammit I want to try it, just to see what will happen. Must stop self. ಠ_à²
Ugh, I just haaaaate these stupid protocols and how you have to be polite and have a nonchalant face and alllll those stupid bells and whistles and hoops you have to adhere to because the world says so and it's the norm. Why can't people just trust and share, why is adulting so filled with rules?!
Long back a friend had told me it takes atleast 6 months to get to know someone and trust them like wtf, 3 days is all you need imo 🙄
Anyway fiiiine, I'll act like a normie. BooOooring!
I was re-reading some parts of Zarathustra. Try as I might, I simply can't get myself to align with Nietzsche, ever. Like in theory, he talks of personal power and seems to be a parallel to Machiavelli, and he is a very very sharp realist. I admire that, and the depth of his intellect is without question. BUT, the invincible summer in me just rejects his notion of power because it's so much to do with exploitation, ego and disregard for the other. Blind accumulation of power for self ends in the same way for everyone. You become a tyrant, then you die. Someone else always wants it from you. A season for it all. It's not really power either, for I do believe true power comes when people willingly hand it to you, and to paraphrase Aang, "your spirit remains unbendable". I don't know if I'm missing some essential PoV of his though. Could be.
I even understand Machiavelli's point of view, in times of strife and lack of rules, it's the best description of an optimized way to govern. But ugh, Mr. Nietzsche why do you always disregard the power in protectiveness and goodness? Do you not see them as the essential ingredients in courage? At the end of the day, tyranny is easy, and the choice of the fearful. There is no courage in that.
Sometimes I feel like all these philosophers were so immersed in the affairs of men that they completely disregarded women and the point of view that they could bring.
Or maybe I'm just a Kierkegaard girl through and through. I truly think if there is any happiness to be found, it's in taking a leap of faith and knowing you either grow wings during that time or trusting you'll learn how to survive the fall. Either/Or.
Had a long call with a start up today morning. Should I join them or not? I can't decide ༎ຶ‿༎ຶ
Erotica. That's right. I spent some time writing erotica and somehow I forgot that phase. I actually would like to write some more, might be fun. Go through the motions slowly and deliberately, making sure each beat is felt just the way it's intended. Something about weaving words into fantasies really turns me on.
Wonder if I'll ever have the courage to share it.
