:(

 Feeling so listless this week. 

FUCKING HATE CHESS

ONE STUPID MISCLICK FFS AAAAAA I HAD THAT DUDE EZPZ ON TIME AND ON THE BOARD AND I FUCKING LOST ON A FUCKING MISCLICK I HATE THIS STUPID GAME

Mittelschmerz

:(

Why do I get these? Hurts so much and so randomly :(. Just feel like curling up and crying, feeling so miserable rn

He's not Norm ♥️

Came across this posted somewhere today.

Tyson is such a pretentious braggart. While I don't care for twitter beefs, the thought Norm captures is so simple and yet so overlooked. Ugh, I just love him to bits. Always the smartest, never the loudest. What a complete gem he was! ♥️

A big wild kitty with stripes

Really restless this eve so here goes another bit of thought collection.

I ended up missing most of chess today and halfway down the day I realised I really like talking to M so much. He was winding up by the time I logged on, and a little part of me was like "ohh maaan" lol.

Idk why but I keep sensing that a very sweet, shy person lurks underneath all that aggression. I'm not actually sure about the shy part, but I deffo think he is waaay nicer than he lets people know. (Still remember that backstreet boys song he played lmao, it was the first thing that actually captured my attention.) Weird are the things that fascinate me, but these little little things are what make someone so endearing in my books. 

I actually wanna ask him so many many questions. Bet he will think I'm a total lunatic if I bombard him with all of them one shot. Hahaaha. That might be funny though. Just send a questionnaire with a request that it's answered diligently and elaborately. Dammit I want to try it, just to see what will happen. Must stop self. ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ 

Ugh, I just haaaaate these stupid protocols and how you have to be polite and have a nonchalant face and alllll those stupid bells and whistles and hoops you have to adhere to because the world says so and it's the norm. Why can't people just trust and share, why is adulting so filled with rules?! 

Long back a friend had told me it takes atleast 6 months to get to know someone and trust them like wtf, 3 days is all you need imo 🙄

Anyway fiiiine, I'll act like a normie. BooOooring!

Nietzsche

I was re-reading some parts of Zarathustra. Try as I might, I simply can't get myself to align with Nietzsche, ever. Like in theory, he talks of personal power and seems to be a parallel to Machiavelli, and he is a very very sharp realist. I admire that, and the depth of his intellect is without question. BUT, the invincible summer in me just rejects his notion of power because it's so much to do with exploitation, ego and disregard for the other. Blind accumulation of power for self ends in the same way for everyone. You become a tyrant, then you die. Someone else always wants it from you. A season for it all. It's not really power either, for I do believe true power comes when people willingly hand it to you, and to paraphrase Aang, "your spirit remains unbendable". I don't know if I'm missing some essential PoV of his though. Could be.

I even understand Machiavelli's point of view, in times of strife and lack of rules, it's the best description of an optimized way to govern. But ugh, Mr. Nietzsche why do you always disregard the power in protectiveness and goodness? Do you not see them as the essential ingredients in courage? At the end of the day, tyranny is easy, and the choice of the fearful. There is no courage in that.

Sometimes I feel like all these philosophers were so immersed in the affairs of men that they completely disregarded women and the point of view that they could bring. 

Or maybe I'm just a Kierkegaard girl through and through. I truly think if there is any happiness to be found, it's in taking a leap of faith and knowing you either grow wings during that time or trusting you'll learn how to survive the fall. Either/Or. 

CONFUUUSIONNN

 Had a long call with a start up today morning. Should I join them or not? I can't decide ༎ຶ⁠‿⁠༎ຶ

Mood

Feel like taking a day off and crawling back in bed and watching star wars and drinking orange juice and setting the AC so low it freezes me.

😑

😑

Mittelschmerz. Why me? Why? 

No wonder I've been making this face for the last 24 hours. 

:(

No more Rafa after 2024 💔

Amuse the Muse

Erotica. That's right. I spent some time writing erotica and somehow I forgot that phase. I actually would like to write some more, might be fun. Go through the motions slowly and deliberately, making sure each beat is felt just the way it's intended. Something about weaving words into fantasies really turns me on. 

Wonder if I'll ever have the courage to share it. 

Currently singing

If you're lost you can look 

and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall...I will catch you

I'll be waiting

Time after time

...

Need something PG 13 and wholesome to remove this bad taste that is still lingering. 

Saw a snippet of an old interview of AK where he talked about how directors who can't capture emotions and nuance often end up using sex and violence as they are the easiest ways of baiting an audience into a reaction. Makes so much sense. Every poorly directed action movie has elements of both, all covered in a slick package.

Which reminds me of another snippet of a  lecture series I'd once checked out, and the topic was about refined minds will always choose higher order pleasures and therefore a Shakespeare or a Bach will always outrank any popular lit and music, while the latter may have the quality of junk food. At the time, I had wondered if it was a sustainable idea or simply one that sounds superior so everyone just agrees to it. But I'm starting to appreciate the depth of that thought, albeit slowly.

Wtf

Why is degrading women just such a source of pleasure for people. Fuck. I want to get rid of that fucked up imagery in my head rn, it's making me want to legit scream. What a fucking piece of shit.

Since I'm awake

...for no reason, :( let me collect my thoughts from today's trip.

I always wonder why people make the choices they do. Earlier, I think I was a bit obsessed with perfection and would be very dismissive of people who chose to behave in a way I thought was sub optimal. I think I've come to accept the greys somewhat now. Travelling today with M and her bf made me wonder about hers too. We are so different as people, it really gets highlighted sometimes in our 'people choices'. I had to make an effort to get along with her bf, and some of it was a bit exhausting for me. I see the niceness he brings to her life, but his attitude to everyone around him is so dismissive. The constant need to be right, the argumentativeness, coupled with him dismissing facts in favour of his own opinions is a trait that annoys me no end. Like whyyy can't you just admit you don't know something and why have this insane need to constantly be explaining things to others. I never get why people have so much insecurity about their intellect. Yet, it's interesting that she doesn't seem to mind that all that much. I guess the other benefits kind of level out these traits for her. Plus she is pretty easy going, and has a ton of patience so probably finds it amusing almost. I bet she has a similar view of my choices too. In that she probably doesn't agree with some of them lol. I remember once discussing this with her and she telling me she thinks I end up putting in a lot of effort with people, and that leads me to be around those who just use that for their benefit and over time I get tired and withdraw from them. And then they wonder why I'm suddenly not around as much. It's kinda true, my rationale has always been that give someone a chance and make them feel comfortable if you like them. But I always notice how the other person is dealing with me in the interim and idk I guess most people just mistake kindness for weakness. Hmmm. I think I need to pull in the direction of reciprocity more. It's something that's been on my mind the last couple of weeks as well. If I give you importance, it doesn't mean I don't value my own, is that rocket science to figure out? Lmao. I pull in the direction of equality, not some random hierarchy and I certainly don't see myself as lower on any scale. 

Meh, whatever. Do your bit and adult.

Crap

It was meant to be a nap, but yet again I fell asleep and now it's 1.30 and I'm up 😭😭