Mini travels

Went for a day drive today with M and her bf. Was fun. First time I spent so much time with them as a couple. I like him, he is kind and considerate towards her. Funny thing is, a few years ago, I'd have not gotten along with him for sure. But I've come to realise the value of kindness, consideration and someone who makes you feel important and valued. I'm glad he does all this for her. 

A tiny part of me misses being doted on and adored lol :⁠-⁠!

Birthday weekend

M's bday weekend got me thinking about how long we have known each other. Back in uni I never really thought we would stay friends after it got over, esp as she is so closed up and bad at keeping in touch. But maaan, life just follows its own patterns , and I'm glad our friendship survived. She is the one person I can rely on, take for granted and trust. Good stuff. 

So here's to growing older, somewhat wiser and and keeping close friends close. ♥️

Chess

Playing so badly aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

FUCK

:⁠-⁠|

It feels so alienating when you choose to share something tiny yet personal and it's simply not recieved with care or just straight up dismissal. I legit felt so bad. :(

Dilemmas

Wondering if it would be worth it to explore the start up route again. The work load will most likely be a lot, which I don't mind. But I'll have to forgo comp and take a bunch of esops that wont vest anytime soon. That's such a gamble. The last one was a giant turd. The co-founders ended up working for 3 years and only sold it for a mill, what a joke that was. Ugh. I'm so confused. 

A stable company will have very mundane work but the hours will be flexible and I'm so used to wfh and not having to deal with bs people. Co-founders are a diff breed of toxic at times, so tough to find a culture fit that works. But I also like the excitement of building something. Having said that, I think I'm over the idea of working lots for someone else. I can't seem to bring myself to care about a business that isn't feeding directly into my own coffers too. Need to figure out a way to create some revenue streams so I can escape the whole salary bs. 

Someday I would like to build my own thing though, that's the eventual goal. I don't even mind if it's tiny, but as long as I can create something sustainable it would be worth it. Just have no clue what it should be at present.

Ugghhhh. I am just so not excited for any of this. I'm just going through the motions because I should and it's a necessity. 

Hell, everytime I go into the city my first and only thought is ffs when can I go back. I genuinely feel like I just want to go far far away and never come back. 

Droooown me

You make my heart beat like the rain
Surroooound me 

Hooool me deep beneath your waves

TURURURURURU

And every night my mind is running around ...

Thunder's getting louder and louder and louder

Baby, you're like lightning in a bottle
I can't let you go now that I got it

Noowowowowow all I need is to be 

Struckkk

By

Your

Electriiiiic loooooooooooOOOOVE

Baby your electric loooove 🎶💃

Call Me

Why is this song stuck in my head 😭?

Colours

If you know someone well, would you be able to deduce which colour/s they have an affinity to? I'd like to try this out on someone.

🤢

Seeing the candidate list makes me want to puke and spill all the words I know, slowly and distinctly. Bleh

Memories made of Clay

I was watching some of the clay tourney highlights today. So many new players on the circuit, and yet it doesn't feel the same without Rafa. Clay holds such a special spot in my heart when it comes to tennis. When I first started watching by myself, RG 2004 finals was the most excited I had ever been for any match I had seen in my short few years. P was a huge fan of Coria back then (deffo in part cuz he was hot). He happened to be on fire that tourney and almost everyone thought it was a given that he would win. The day of the match, I had this huge intuition that I need to root for Gaudio. I don't even know why, but something had a hold on me that was quite inexplicable at the time. As the match went on, coria was two sets up and I was so on edge and yet some voice inside kept saying hold on. I'm glad I listened to it, cuz what happened next was simply insaane. The comeback in the next three sets and the subsequent win that Gaudio pulled out of his hat was one of the best and most memorable victories I've ever seen. The specialness of that moment quite frankly astounding to me, and it was also one of those moments that I leaned into my intuition 100%. 

Over the years, I've gotten better at understanding the game and my intuition has been replaced more or less by trying to analyse whatever data I see in front of me. It's kinda become a game of sorts to see if I can accurately churn that data in my mind and predict the outcomes. Fine-tuning this has become a nice passtime. It's also nice to discuss tennis once in a while, although I barely know anyone who actually likes and follows the sport beyond casual viewing. Except one person ofcourse. Wish I knew him better though, he seems to know a lot about a bunch of stuff, so it would be fun to talk about it all. Plus he seems like a sweetheart, although I sense he does his best to hide that fact lol. Too bad we don't even have each others' numbers ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ

I also wish more women were into sports, it's always been a pet peeve of mine that very few have a passion for it. I think only M watches but she only sees GS and barely knows anything beyond the Big 3. Which is fine, but it doesn't lead to much conversation about it. And very few guys watch either, most just like football and cricket I guess. In a way that's okay too, idk why but guys just haaave this giant urge to explain every sport the minute you mention you like it. Won't even wait to find out if you actually know anything, just straight up explain the basics like you are a total noob, then get salty when you display any amount of competence lol. So many times in my life I've had to pretend to not know something or give people an out in order to avoid bruising their ego. Sad that these are more or less the buckets most people fall into. 

Come to think of it, I know two women who are married to tier 1 athletes, and I'm pretty sure one of them has no clue about the sport either. The other one has no choice, her husband is literally a GOAT and it would be shameful if she didn't. She is a baller herself, so I'm sure she is very clued in. B's wife on the other hand deffo wouldn't know lol. I remember her from back in school days, she had zero interest in tennis. Ironic, given who she married(I'm still shocked that she chose to get married so young, but to each their own). Oooh I also recall how crazy B used to be back then lmao. I used to think he was a total fuckboi from all the stories that were doing the rounds. The time he tried to threaten the college boys and told them to stay away from her haha. It's really nice to see the man he has become now though. To be competent and play at the highest level into your 40's, and having that drive is something I respect so much. I'm sure it's not the easiest thing in the world, and after achieving as much as he has, anyone would understand if he chose to retire. Plus being the rich kid he has always been, he could have easily gone on to enjoy his pork and drinks, in keeping with Coorgi boy traditions. Yet the man plays and plays well, salute to that. Hope he continues and wins lots for years to come. People like him are inspiring. 

All this makes me realise how many things have occurred and how many varied people I've actually known over the years. Interesting. 

Reminiscing is fun. 

Edit: of all the coincidences, I just came across the 2005 Nadal v Coria Rome highlights, Coria was such a beast! ♥️ And baby Nadal in those white 3/4ths omg. It was this match after which I knew Nadal had arrived and he went on to win his first ever RG later that month. Fuuuuck!! Birth of an absolute champ. 

I used to have paper cut outs of these two on my bulletin board. Need them back up there. Hope Rafa recovers soon, much love!

RIP

The last of my vices, truly tragic. You weren't even much of a vice, and yet I bid thee goodbye. 🙊

D the Psychopath

Bruh. She called me today with the most disturbing news and conveyed it so nonchalantly. Looool. There are moments when I am so fucking terrified of her, it's not even a joke. The subtle cues are what make it soooo much more unsettling. Istg there are 2 people I've met in life who I feel are total psychopaths, and she is most likely one of them. 

My fascination for interesting people is going to get me into trouble someday, if I don't rein in the curiosity. 

Condolences to her new husband and may she never pull a gone girl on him. 💀

Kids

Most women I know don't want kids anymore. Almost all my friends are against the idea except for maybe a couple. Interesting. The world seems to be going childfree and yet the idea of a nice happy family kinda appeals to me. I've always liked those bratty kids that Lynette had, with their constant pranks and tendency to harass every adult in sight.

I guess if I find the right kind of partner who also wants the same, it would be nice to have kids. Not set on it, but not against it either. Plus you can spoil the fuck out of them lol. Somehow I have a feeling I'll be the kind of person who would want to make sure that no other woman is good enough for the men in my life except me. Can't even pretend to be ashamed of this. 

Suck it, ladies! ಠ⁠‿⁠ಠ

Assertiveness

I'm wondering how to learn to be assertive without being rude to someone. My usual MO used to be straight up rudeness to cover up the fact that I felt threatened/uncomfortable, but I want to know if there is a middle path there which I can learn. 

The other day some dude I don't really know was chatting with me on the side while I was watching chess. I'd thought he was normal, kinda like a bunch of my friends who like joking around and saying stupid stuff at first. It was all fine and silly but in the middle he made some sexual comments which I tried to ignore. 

I ended up saying stop and he would for a bit. He even sensed that I felt awkward and gave it a break but it almost felt like the minute I feel relaxed it would start again. I feel some weird guilt when I say no to people, or get offended and end up trying to be extra nice to cover that fact up, so it seems like I'm not as bothered as I feel. Idk if that also makes people think that I am going along with it or doesn't clearly communicate my boundaries. In any case, I guess I wasn't as assertive as I should be and he ended up saying a couple of things to me that made me feel kinda gross. Asked me if I feel like avoiding emotions when someone is balls deep in me or do I do it after. Like wtf yo. Is it even normal to say that to someone? Ffs. I hate that I just tried to ignore it at the time but I legit didn't even know what to say.  That and the fact that he is seeing someone which kinda makes it worse of him tbh. Maybe I'm just very old fashioned when it comes to stuff like this but I like very clear cut lines. 

Eventually I ducked out of the convo but now I don't feel like talking to him again and it feels weird to ignore directly as well. Ugh. I hate this about myself. This guilt I feel every single time I take a stand even though I know intellectually that I shouldn't. So fucking weak. I'm just hoping he doesn't actually speak to me again so I can skip out of any necessity to deal with it tbh.

The thing is - I like banter and I like clever lines... but only in a detached, word building kinda way. I act so differently when I have genuine interest in someone though, like I actually care about them and keep things all serious and hopefully nice. Want to ask about their day and if they ate and if they are doing well and fuss over them if they aren't. I'm such a nester underneath all those layers of seeming detached - I think people confuse that about me sometimes. The irony is that people I like may not understand this cuz it's so hidden and people I don't might think I do lmao. That's truly hilarious.

I wanted to tell M this happened but when I mentioned it he seemed tired and then didn't ask about it again so I left it alone too. Probably doesn't care anyway.

Also, why the fuck are guys like this? How can you have someone you are with and stiiiiilll want to test waters with someone else, even as a joke? Someone you don't even remotely know. Like aaaaaaaa. Can't anyone just stay fucking faithful anymore? 

So much easier to pretend to be a guy and just say shit without any repercussions.

Headaches

I hate them so much. Been having a weird migraine of sorts since yesterday evening, it's so awful. My eye hurts and I feel like throwing up. Want to act like a baby rn :(

Juicy

As I pour grape juice into my beer glass, I can't help but laugh at it. In that one pour is a lifetime of a love hate relationship with glasses and drinks. From being a hedonistic 17 yo trying to live it up for the first time, to becoming a measured person that tries to be disciplined atleast 90% of the time, I can sense the spectrum of choices in that one act. 

Man, I loved the extremism of living in the moment, following every impulse and just trying to squeeze every bit of experience out anything that catches my fancy. All of those shades you could capture, it was all so fascinating to me. There's something so heady about being a youngling with no concept or thought of repercussions, or have any sense of respect for it either. And yet, I find this trait to be so repulsive in adults now. A part of me just winces whenever I see someone willingly choose to lose control. I've noticed that it becomes a habit with them.

Somewhere around this time last year, I remember meeting S and his sister. They were both out day drinking and by the time they met us, they were in high spirits (to say the least). But something about that much alcohol makes people open up about their lives in a way they wouldn't choose to if they were sober. His sister talked about their family life growing up and how awful it was for them. As I was listening, I could feel S get very uncomfortable. He and I have been friends for so long now, he is actually my oldest friend. And part of the reason we have been able to maintain that status quo is simply cuz our boundaries are tight and we don't overshare. The more G was talking, the more awkwardness I could sense in him. And that's the thing about drunk people, they juuuust don't grasp any undercurrent around them. As she was speaking, I couldn't help but notice how many unprocessed emotional blocks she had and it made me wonder how someone 5-6 years older than me, a Harvard grad, heading a country program and an all round go getter could also simultaneously be so unaware of their own traits. Do people really never self reflect? Is age simply a matter of happenstance? Or can all this just be chalked up to being drunk? I don't really know. What I do know is, I don't want to be like that and I don't ever want to be in a position where I do not have control over the things I do. Luckily I don't drink that much or that often so that isn't a possibility I have to fear, but I do recognise that all it can take is one bad night. So I guess that means more grape juiceeee! The unfermented kind. 

Responsibility, my steady lady...I shall court thee with every ounce of my personal ability.