Juicy

As I pour grape juice into my beer glass, I can't help but laugh at it. In that one pour is a lifetime of a love hate relationship with glasses and drinks. From being a hedonistic 17 yo trying to live it up for the first time, to becoming a measured person that tries to be disciplined atleast 90% of the time, I can sense the spectrum of choices in that one act. 

Man, I loved the extremism of living in the moment, following every impulse and just trying to squeeze every bit of experience out anything that catches my fancy. All of those shades you could capture, it was all so fascinating to me. There's something so heady about being a youngling with no concept or thought of repercussions, or have any sense of respect for it either. And yet, I find this trait to be so repulsive in adults now. A part of me just winces whenever I see someone willingly choose to lose control. I've noticed that it becomes a habit with them.

Somewhere around this time last year, I remember meeting S and his sister. They were both out day drinking and by the time they met us, they were in high spirits (to say the least). But something about that much alcohol makes people open up about their lives in a way they wouldn't choose to if they were sober. His sister talked about their family life growing up and how awful it was for them. As I was listening, I could feel S get very uncomfortable. He and I have been friends for so long now, he is actually my oldest friend. And part of the reason we have been able to maintain that status quo is simply cuz our boundaries are tight and we don't overshare. The more G was talking, the more awkwardness I could sense in him. And that's the thing about drunk people, they juuuust don't grasp any undercurrent around them. As she was speaking, I couldn't help but notice how many unprocessed emotional blocks she had and it made me wonder how someone 5-6 years older than me, a Harvard grad, heading a country program and an all round go getter could also simultaneously be so unaware of their own traits. Do people really never self reflect? Is age simply a matter of happenstance? Or can all this just be chalked up to being drunk? I don't really know. What I do know is, I don't want to be like that and I don't ever want to be in a position where I do not have control over the things I do. Luckily I don't drink that much or that often so that isn't a possibility I have to fear, but I do recognise that all it can take is one bad night. So I guess that means more grape juiceeee! The unfermented kind. 

Responsibility, my steady lady...I shall court thee with every ounce of my personal ability.