The other day some dude I don't really know was chatting with me on the side while I was watching chess. I'd thought he was normal, kinda like a bunch of my friends who like joking around and saying stupid stuff at first. It was all fine and silly but in the middle he made some sexual comments which I tried to ignore.
I ended up saying stop and he would for a bit. He even sensed that I felt awkward and gave it a break but it almost felt like the minute I feel relaxed it would start again. I feel some weird guilt when I say no to people, or get offended and end up trying to be extra nice to cover that fact up, so it seems like I'm not as bothered as I feel. Idk if that also makes people think that I am going along with it or doesn't clearly communicate my boundaries. In any case, I guess I wasn't as assertive as I should be and he ended up saying a couple of things to me that made me feel kinda gross. Asked me if I feel like avoiding emotions when someone is balls deep in me or do I do it after. Like wtf yo. Is it even normal to say that to someone? Ffs. I hate that I just tried to ignore it at the time but I legit didn't even know what to say. That and the fact that he is seeing someone which kinda makes it worse of him tbh. Maybe I'm just very old fashioned when it comes to stuff like this but I like very clear cut lines.
Eventually I ducked out of the convo but now I don't feel like talking to him again and it feels weird to ignore directly as well. Ugh. I hate this about myself. This guilt I feel every single time I take a stand even though I know intellectually that I shouldn't. So fucking weak. I'm just hoping he doesn't actually speak to me again so I can skip out of any necessity to deal with it tbh.
The thing is - I like banter and I like clever lines... but only in a detached, word building kinda way. I act so differently when I have genuine interest in someone though, like I actually care about them and keep things all serious and hopefully nice. Want to ask about their day and if they ate and if they are doing well and fuss over them if they aren't. I'm such a nester underneath all those layers of seeming detached - I think people confuse that about me sometimes. The irony is that people I like may not understand this cuz it's so hidden and people I don't might think I do lmao. That's truly hilarious.
I wanted to tell M this happened but when I mentioned it he seemed tired and then didn't ask about it again so I left it alone too. Probably doesn't care anyway.
Also, why the fuck are guys like this? How can you have someone you are with and stiiiiilll want to test waters with someone else, even as a joke? Someone you don't even remotely know. Like aaaaaaaa. Can't anyone just stay fucking faithful anymore?
So much easier to pretend to be a guy and just say shit without any repercussions.
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