RIP

The last of my vices, truly tragic. You weren't even much of a vice, and yet I bid thee goodbye. 🙊

D the Psychopath

Bruh. She called me today with the most disturbing news and conveyed it so nonchalantly. Looool. There are moments when I am so fucking terrified of her, it's not even a joke. The subtle cues are what make it soooo much more unsettling. Istg there are 2 people I've met in life who I feel are total psychopaths, and she is most likely one of them. 

My fascination for interesting people is going to get me into trouble someday, if I don't rein in the curiosity. 

Condolences to her new husband and may she never pull a gone girl on him. 💀

Kids

Most women I know don't want kids anymore. Almost all my friends are against the idea except for maybe a couple. Interesting. The world seems to be going childfree and yet the idea of a nice happy family kinda appeals to me. I've always liked those bratty kids that Lynette had, with their constant pranks and tendency to harass every adult in sight.

I guess if I find the right kind of partner who also wants the same, it would be nice to have kids. Not set on it, but not against it either. Plus you can spoil the fuck out of them lol. Somehow I have a feeling I'll be the kind of person who would want to make sure that no other woman is good enough for the men in my life except me. Can't even pretend to be ashamed of this. 

Suck it, ladies! ಠ⁠‿⁠ಠ

Assertiveness

I'm wondering how to learn to be assertive without being rude to someone. My usual MO used to be straight up rudeness to cover up the fact that I felt threatened/uncomfortable, but I want to know if there is a middle path there which I can learn. 

The other day some dude I don't really know was chatting with me on the side while I was watching chess. I'd thought he was normal, kinda like a bunch of my friends who like joking around and saying stupid stuff at first. It was all fine and silly but in the middle he made some sexual comments which I tried to ignore. 

I ended up saying stop and he would for a bit. He even sensed that I felt awkward and gave it a break but it almost felt like the minute I feel relaxed it would start again. I feel some weird guilt when I say no to people, or get offended and end up trying to be extra nice to cover that fact up, so it seems like I'm not as bothered as I feel. Idk if that also makes people think that I am going along with it or doesn't clearly communicate my boundaries. In any case, I guess I wasn't as assertive as I should be and he ended up saying a couple of things to me that made me feel kinda gross. Asked me if I feel like avoiding emotions when someone is balls deep in me or do I do it after. Like wtf yo. Is it even normal to say that to someone? Ffs. I hate that I just tried to ignore it at the time but I legit didn't even know what to say.  That and the fact that he is seeing someone which kinda makes it worse of him tbh. Maybe I'm just very old fashioned when it comes to stuff like this but I like very clear cut lines. 

Eventually I ducked out of the convo but now I don't feel like talking to him again and it feels weird to ignore directly as well. Ugh. I hate this about myself. This guilt I feel every single time I take a stand even though I know intellectually that I shouldn't. So fucking weak. I'm just hoping he doesn't actually speak to me again so I can skip out of any necessity to deal with it tbh.

The thing is - I like banter and I like clever lines... but only in a detached, word building kinda way. I act so differently when I have genuine interest in someone though, like I actually care about them and keep things all serious and hopefully nice. Want to ask about their day and if they ate and if they are doing well and fuss over them if they aren't. I'm such a nester underneath all those layers of seeming detached - I think people confuse that about me sometimes. The irony is that people I like may not understand this cuz it's so hidden and people I don't might think I do lmao. That's truly hilarious.

I wanted to tell M this happened but when I mentioned it he seemed tired and then didn't ask about it again so I left it alone too. Probably doesn't care anyway.

Also, why the fuck are guys like this? How can you have someone you are with and stiiiiilll want to test waters with someone else, even as a joke? Someone you don't even remotely know. Like aaaaaaaa. Can't anyone just stay fucking faithful anymore? 

So much easier to pretend to be a guy and just say shit without any repercussions.

Headaches

I hate them so much. Been having a weird migraine of sorts since yesterday evening, it's so awful. My eye hurts and I feel like throwing up. Want to act like a baby rn :(

Juicy

As I pour grape juice into my beer glass, I can't help but laugh at it. In that one pour is a lifetime of a love hate relationship with glasses and drinks. From being a hedonistic 17 yo trying to live it up for the first time, to becoming a measured person that tries to be disciplined atleast 90% of the time, I can sense the spectrum of choices in that one act. 

Man, I loved the extremism of living in the moment, following every impulse and just trying to squeeze every bit of experience out anything that catches my fancy. All of those shades you could capture, it was all so fascinating to me. There's something so heady about being a youngling with no concept or thought of repercussions, or have any sense of respect for it either. And yet, I find this trait to be so repulsive in adults now. A part of me just winces whenever I see someone willingly choose to lose control. I've noticed that it becomes a habit with them.

Somewhere around this time last year, I remember meeting S and his sister. They were both out day drinking and by the time they met us, they were in high spirits (to say the least). But something about that much alcohol makes people open up about their lives in a way they wouldn't choose to if they were sober. His sister talked about their family life growing up and how awful it was for them. As I was listening, I could feel S get very uncomfortable. He and I have been friends for so long now, he is actually my oldest friend. And part of the reason we have been able to maintain that status quo is simply cuz our boundaries are tight and we don't overshare. The more G was talking, the more awkwardness I could sense in him. And that's the thing about drunk people, they juuuust don't grasp any undercurrent around them. As she was speaking, I couldn't help but notice how many unprocessed emotional blocks she had and it made me wonder how someone 5-6 years older than me, a Harvard grad, heading a country program and an all round go getter could also simultaneously be so unaware of their own traits. Do people really never self reflect? Is age simply a matter of happenstance? Or can all this just be chalked up to being drunk? I don't really know. What I do know is, I don't want to be like that and I don't ever want to be in a position where I do not have control over the things I do. Luckily I don't drink that much or that often so that isn't a possibility I have to fear, but I do recognise that all it can take is one bad night. So I guess that means more grape juiceeee! The unfermented kind. 

Responsibility, my steady lady...I shall court thee with every ounce of my personal ability. 

Driving

Finally went for a drive with Meg this weekend, it felt soooo liberating. One of the few mornings I didn't totally hate the stupid sun waking me up at an ungodly hour by shining through that window I can't reach. Laments in shortness. :( 

I love open roads and blue skies so much. That feeling of going somewhere but not having a destination, seeing boulders and hilly terrains, laughing about the silliest things and having her blunt comments ruining songs I love with perspective I haven't thought of. Suuuch a nice combo of peace. 

Long back I wondered if I was doing the right thing in seperating from my older circle of friends and if I'll backslide, but this weekend I realised how much better my life has been these past few years. I like the calmness and the sense of trust I have with the 4 people I do know. I hope I'm able to keep that balance from here on out. 

So here's to more pretty drives, and also to trying to make my fortnightly wine into a monthly wine from now on. Hate the latter lmao, but I'll do it. Wisdomous people ruining my one guilty pleasure, and they don't even know it. I'd say cheers but now I shouldn't. 💀

Black Madonna

Call me when you're ready to be real

Black Madonna, hallelujah

Makes no difference here, so let's be real

Black Madonna, my black flower

Nowhere left to run 

Nowhere left to hide

Hallelujah 

Why

the fuck do I like a Harry Styles song now zomg. ಠ⁠﹏⁠ಠ

Answer the phone
"Harry, you're no good alone
Why are you sittin' at home on the floor?
What kind of pills are you on?"
Ringin' the bell
And nobody's comin' to help
Your daddy lives by himself
He just wants to know that you're well, oh

In this world, it's just us
You know it's not the same as it was
In this world, it's just us
You know it's not the same as it was
As it was, as it was
You know it's not the same

I've heard this more than 5 times, regressing like a foo' 

Ugh

You know how I was melting down all of last week. Yeah my periods just came about. 🙄🙄. Always the culprit. I should just stop taking anything I think seriously during pms cuz now I feel like a doof.

Kierkegaard on Mozart

"One can indeed imagine many more musical classics, yet there still remains just one work of which it can be said that it's idea is absolutely musical, so that the music does not enter as an accompaniment but, in bringing the idea to light, reveals its own innermost being. Therefore Mozart with his Don Giovanni stands the highest among the Immortals." 

There's a lot I want to unpack here, will think and update.

Edit: Still thinking but it's so tough to get to the central thought here. How do you reveal your being? Is he implying that it's an end unto itself?

And then he says:

What someone has loved with the

infatuation and admired with the enthusiasm of youth, what someone has kept up

a clandestine and enigmatic commerce with in his innermost soul, what someone

has hidden away in his heart, that is something the like of which one always

approaches with a certain shyness, with mixed feelings, when one knows that the

intention is to try to understand it. What you have learned to know bit by bit, like

a bird gathering every little straw, happier over each small piece than over all the

rest of the world; what the loving ear has absorbed, solitary in the great

multitude, unremarked in its secret place of hiding; what the greedy ear has

snatched up, never gratified, the miserly ear hidden, never secure, that whose

softest echo has never deceived the searching ear’s sleepless vigil; what you

have lived by day, relived by night, what has banished sleep and made it

troubled; what you have dreamt of in sleep, what you have woken up to dream of

again when awake, what caused you to leap up in the middle of the night for fear

of forgetting it; what has come to you in your moments of greatest rapture; what

like a woman’s embroidery you keep constantly beside you; what has followed

you on the clear moonlit nights, in lonely forests by the shores, in the gloomy

streets, in the dead of night, at break of day, what has ridden with you on

horseback, accompanied you in the carriage, what permeates your home, what

your chamber has been witness to, what has echoed in your ear, resounded

through your soul, what your soul has spun into its finest web – that now reveals

itself to thought.

Well, excuse me Mr. Kierkegaard! So much finery banishes my soul. You have got to be joking cuz I refuse to indulge this.

Niceness and Narcissists

Are some people so insecure that reaching out first seems like an exercise in humiliation for them? I was wondering about this lately. Like is it really worth tanking something for them because they find it this hard to be considerate? Or is it that being considerate isn't even something that occurs to them because they don't actually care about the other person at all? Maybe they look to just squeeze some validation out of them? And you'd rather be alone than initiate a conversation by yourself? It's fascinating. Weird asf, but fascinating.

I recall my rebound A from a few years ago and how he used to give me silent treatment when he got offended over something random ( "how else will you learn?"), couldn't take responsibility for his behaviour, couldn't say sorry for anything to anyone, hell he even refused to make plans with me or anyone else but would instead wait to be called because someone saying no seemed like the end of the world to him. He would try and act aloof and businesslike because in some childish way he thought it made him come across as important as opposed to comical and cringe.

It was my first glimpse into the mind of a narcissist and while it was toxic asf, I had never imagined how painful their existence seems to be. When I compared how easy and free flowing my equations with my friends and acquaintances have been and contrast it with A's hypersensitivity over every random comment anyone ever makes, it just made me realise how truly pathetic and childlike and fear riddled the world of a narc is. 

Here's hoping A was the first and last of his kind that I come across, and everyone else just learns to grow the fuck up cuz it's about time.

Intense Conversations

I had a long talk with M yesterday and got a bit of perspective. She was shocked when she realised how scared and insecure I felt about something. I'm glad she saw that reaction in me and we could atleast address it, because lately I've been feeling a bit stressed and as usual assuming that stress is actually acceptable. I'm trying to change this.

We also spoke about people, work, relationships and what I want out of life. In general, the last few years have been ones of quiet contemplation as well as trying to change my mindset. I can't seem to view work as anything other than a chore any longer, but it provides a sense of security. I wish there was a way I could find it meaningful as well though. It leaves me with a feeling of being a hamster in a wheel a lot of the times. I always get frustrated when I have less to do and don't feel engaged. Maybe it's time to put my energy in some other goal and try and find meaning there. Cuz just sucking it up doesn't do it for me. 

We were also talking about partners and she noticed how insecure I feel and was genuinely worried about me. I reacted to something simple with such a sense of anxiety that she was very surprised. I guess I am too. It's been a while since I dated anyone, as it's been very tough to get over the past. What sucks is that what happened then left me feeling so broken and unloved that idk in some very fucked up way I keep thinking I don't deserve it. And I know that's irrational but it makes me feel so small and insignificant. It's probably a sign that I need to be with someone who is patient with me and helps build a sense of trust, constancy and security. Like M's bf. He makes such an effort with her and makes sure she is happy, he calls, talks, shares his life and isn't really afraid of showing his care towards her. People like that make it easy to fall for them and it's easy to let your fears melt away when you know that the other person is constant and dependable. I should be looking for these traits as well. Cuz I'd like that for once in my life too, as I know I'd be someone who is caring and loving and dependable as well. I'm tired of feeling like I'm always the one putting an effort and I do hope the right sort of love comes my way whenever it does. 

Like I promised her, I'll make sure I'll get over these insecurities and prevent myself from feeling like that going forward. For now, just looking forward to a new workplace, getting fitter and keeping a happy mindset while I go about my day. For everything else, fingers crossed 🤞

Swings

I feel so gloomy and moody. Idk if it's the nightmare or lack of sleep or what but I just feel very down in the dumps rn. :(

Edit: been trying to decode it for a while and my best guess is that I feel like there are two choices on the table. Either put up with someone's bad behaviour or have them abandon you. 

Lmfao this is so fucked. But also my core fear. Fml. How do I overcome this?

Nightmare

Was trying to sleep and instead got woken up by a bad dream. I was at some sort of low lying bungalow which has a lot of people chilling in it. It happened to be a workplace of sorts where x worked/lived. I was sauntering around and wondering if I should say hi but instead felt awkward so decided to just chill. I saw a girl in white walk in and she went in the room I assumed was X's bedroom. I didn't want to intrude so decided to go outdoor. Went outside and people were trying to nap in the garden. Suddenly the sky seemed to become dusky and dark and it felt like there's some smoke drifting around. Like maybe a fire was on. I tried to get the people to go inside the house but noone would. Felt like I should leave but instead went inside the house again. A room seemed semi empty and had a computer in it. Thought I'd go watch some vids if nothing else. Went in, and suddenly the computer screen started to freeze and I realised it's actually X's desktop. Got a weird feeling like he would read the absolute worst into this and think I'm prying. I started panicking. Two boys came to the door and asked me what's up and why I was still there. They seemed like they had wrapped up from the night and were looking to head out. I felt really uneasy and X was still not up yet. Started trying to close the windows on the screen but total panic started engulfing me. Like he would arrive any moment and straight up be cold to me and mostly shout at me. At this point I actually just woke up and it took me a minute or two to calm down lol. 

I'm wondering why I felt so afraid of him or why I presume that if I don't behave the way he wants, he would basically be cold to me. Maybe cuz he hasn't actually made an effort to make me feel valued or important, atleast not personally. I also wonder if these are my fears or I'm observing something that I can't define. But it's weird that I'm not at ease and end up thinking that I'm doing something potentially annoying that would make him upset at me. All this makes me think that maybe deep down I feel he wouldn't be understanding towards me or my insecurities. 

Feels like a coin toss sometimes.

Trust. What a joke

Always. Al-fucking-ways. I am just so damn angry rn.

Fuuuuuck