Support

Something changed in the last couple of weeks about my perception of C. Both he and M were very supportive after I got back and I'm soooo happy and grateful to have them. With some people you don't have to say anything just knowing that they'll be there is comfortable enough. 

We hung out all day over the last weekend and there was this moment where he kind of just opened up about some stuff that made me instantly understand the source of his ego and why he behaves the way he does. And I saw the vulnerable person underneath who isn't actually mean or nasty, just someone who is compelled to be recognised. But more than that I saw what M loves about him. How he is protective of her, nice to her... Like just doing things with her together. And I guess I just felt a sense of as happiness and restfulness here. 

In life some people might have very annoying traits on the surface but when you see the person they are underneath and if they are able to align with your own values then you can just rest easy. Maybe that's the whole thing about trust too. Once you know you are safe, you can just relax. That is not to say that I don't feel he may not benefit from letting some of the insecurities go, because it is a bit taxing at times to be around someone who constantly wants to prove themselves as the smartest in the room. Heh. I guess I prefer it if people aren't so competitive around their own circle. Because even I'm competitive and it gets hard to not engage. Except you should never ever do that in your own circles. Keep that shit to the outside world where you need to be clear. With close ones there is no point in competing cuz noone wants to be a part of a hierarchy and have someone keep trying to put themselves on top. 

But still, all that is kinda background noise now. I never realised how feminine I can be, in that I tend to manage everyone's emotions at times. I don't know if it's a feminine quality or if it's simply an aftermath of having had to do that for people forever. But what I do know is I want people in life who value me and my feelings and are willing to take that load off from me and actually care about me the way even he does for her. I've seen that and I appreciate it so much. And I guess she sees that too and that's what counts in the end. Outer personas are diff but internally it's the same value system.

And M - the idea of you reading this some day is now making me want to stop writing the comparative analysis I would have. About how you never have come through for me even once etc. as a friend, as a person, as a human. But I will spare you that bluntness. What I will add is this - the quality of a person isn't determined by who they pretend to be, it's determined by their actions alone. Everything else is simply noise. 

In the midst of my granny's illness I asked you for a single favour for my brother and you just shrugged it off. Something that was important to me and well within your reach to have just helped but you didn't. And then you read about it here as I later found out and continued to not offer any help. On your own bday I spent the day just wishing and you didn't even say thanks yet later started saying stuff like... " theres only so much I can do." What have you ever done for me? Other than treat me badly whenever convenient? Is that the only way you feel good about yourself? My narcissist ex also had this habit. He viewed everything that wasn't about him as an inconvenience and played victim whenever someone called him out. 

Yet today you speak to me normally talking about how you played that one tennis shot etc like lol. Even after knowing she died you didn't once say anything just spoke about something generic right after. I would never have done that to you. Or to anyone else tbh. 

I don't know what or how to even compute that to be honest. Why so devoid of empathy? How can everything be about you all the time like even when someone is sad you just want them to speak about you? Hmmm. So it goes and this is the person you choose to be. Dunno why, but blah. 

Well. So it goes. Meh.