A lot of times in life I feel myself torn between two choices. Do I just go with what I feel, or do I keep aside what I feel in lieu of letting go? And it's hard at times to figure which path to choose. I don't like to be swayed by emotion to a point where I'm just doing whatever the fuck I want. That feels irresponsible. But in being responsible towards others at times I feel I severely neglect what I want. 

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So I know I'm not being completely honest with Di as to why I've not spoken to her. But honestly... After that entire negative vibe of bitching about A, then the whole N thing which just annoyed me I wanted to not interact cuz I just started feeling very much like some emotional support animal for her. Idk man. I see parts of her that are very transactional. I see the bits where I feel she doesn't love her husband and is still with him cuz it's better than being alone. The negative takes on other people's lives like trying to diss my brother's relationship just from the get go etc. I end up seeing a lot of very bad behaviour like misery needs company and she can't stand the idea of someone else being happy if she isn't. Then that batshit crazy thing she said about throwing a finger in that annoying neighbours balcony as retaliation like bruh that was so psycho. Complete with you can get it from a morgue like who TF THINKS OF THAT. AAAAA. 

But it's not even that. It's that arm twisting messages she sent me cuz I haven't spoken in a bit. 'Talk to me on Sunday or else I'm taking a step back'. 2 hours after my granny's funeral I'm getting this and honestly like idk. I hate it when people try to be controlling and start giving these ultimatums it comes across as very toxic. There's a way to speak and it isn't this. And the entire time I knoooow she asked me when I'm back to see if I call and if I don't then it'll be time to send me these ultimatums like aaaa. No same person behaves this way and more than anything I don't want to cater to it tbh. That's essentially my issue I just don't like someone trying arm twisting and that horrible feeling of guilt that makes me want to give them what they want even though it's against my wishes. Lol. I'm also avoidant when it comes to shit like this but honestly after 30 you can't fucking send your friends these weird arm twisty messages it's too annoying. M has always maintained I should not have befriended her lol. Hmmm. Idk man. I simply don't want that kinda negativity. I honestly just don't want to be like a crutch for someone to use. 

Other M... If you ever read this you fucking keep it to yourself I don't want my life tiffs shared with anyone. 🖕Everytime I'm trying to post something I feel like you are over my shoulder peeking and smirking lol. Ass.