Having a long talk with bro and discussing fam. It's quite sad how scattered our family dynamics have always been and how awful it was mentally to grow up around them. Even today while I have a functional relationship with them, I'm just so sick and tired of how petty and selfish a few of them have been. Dad extended his tenure at work and I know that he is doing it just so he doesn't have to stay with mom. And idk man, the way she behaves I can't quite fault him. Somewhere I think I've learnt to give up on them all tbh. And the thing I hate the most about my mom personally is how she can't take any responsibility for her behaviour, always insecure, always making things someone else's fault, never saying sorry, egoistic max, and yet controlling to boot. There are moments when I forget all this and things are fine, but in my heart I can't quite think well of her. Idk if it's some undiagnosed disorder that compels her to be this way or what. But in the end, I've witnessed this uncaring, ghastly behaviour almost all my life and I don't think I want to anymore. In anyone tbh. It takes just one shitty person to ruin the life of everyone else around them, and I firmly believe it's best to stay away from those kind of folks. All this ego, unkindness, ' cater to me and only me ' kinda selfish shit is a recipe for utter disaster. No thanks! 

Having said that, I've spent half my life knowing that my family was a source of pain to me, but I'm determined to change that for my own self going forward. Whatever equations I create going forward, I'm going to ensure have all the genuine elements of decency and kindness that I seek. And I will never let someone like my mom in my life, I just don't want to. No exceptions. 

 Jan is already over. Wtf. 

Forgiveness

Just gonna take a moment to let go and forgive all that I was upset about. I don't think carrying forward any hard feelings is good for anyone, so I'm gonna just let that anger dissolve, let it be and just try to be at peace. I don't want to be mad at anyone and I don't want to carry any negativity within me, so I'll try my best here. Whatever happens, it's okay and it will be okay. 

Films

Watched animal, dunno what the hoopla was about. Most of it was sooo shoddy. Smart marketing though, it got so much hate that  even today people are talking about it. Idk why but I feel like the quality of films is so piss poor that even I could write a half decent script. It's just awful man. Kinda shameful tbh. I legit gave Hindi films a chance thinking I hated them all my life cuz they seemed so tacky but honestly totally not worth it. A bunch of regional films were better. I remember V, he wrote suuuch a good film. And the end product is incredible as well. Lol. The amount we all used to hang out that time. I was such a kid then. I didn't even realise for years that he was so talented. Randomly used to show up at my place with his Captain Morgan and then give me tips on decor lolol. Sucked that he was a married dude who hit on women. His wife was sooo nice. Had to avoid him after I realised he was like that.  Granted he was a big douche too, but other than that deffo talented asf. God I remember how mean N was to him. Called him over to work on the script and then just didn't open the door while we were all inside. Soooo horrible. Some folks I've known have had zero issues being absolute turds to others. For no reason too, just to be a dick. What a lost opportunity for N though, he could have kept his word on the collab and been a part of that film it was amazing. Total idiot. Lol. I should watch it again. Forgot it's name too... Ummm. Wait lmc. Ah yes, Trance. What a phenom concept that was genuinely. Take a bow Vadakkan, deffo delivered on all that you narrated to me back then. And way better than expected. Man, I've really met some v talented folks over the years. Randomly I meet them, and am on the fringes of such weird stuff like sports and movies lol. But love it! 

Read a post about DD calling out sexism in chess and half the comments are like people would not be interested in your chess cuz you are just 2400 therefore the sexist comments cuz they only care you are a girl. Like 💀💀

How sad and fucked up is this. 

Love how these pathetic players suddenly feel as if only magnus can teach them. Was nice to see someone share that John B atleast calls out any bad behaviour instantly. He is a class act, I've never once seen anyone be cheap or derogatory towards women in his space. Glad there are people like him tbh. I've always appreciated how above board, classy and relevant he keeps his act. Honestly wish more people would raise their standards. The post I read was just filled with demeaning her rating or trying to justify why people act the way they do. Like so sad to do this to someone that's barely of age. Tackiness. 

Just settling in slowly into a routine. Just feels nice to keep my head down and work. I'm not allowing myself to meander and hoping slowly I build momentum for all the things that I want to do. Decided to leave all the negativity aside as well, came to the conclusion that there's no point in mulling over stuff. Gonna do my best for myself. Have a lot to do and it's best to do it with a happy mind. Aaand I'll watch a Ghibli film tonight zomg. Been ages since I saw any and I think imma go back to Howl. God I love that movie soooo much! ♥️

Finally got a new set of weights zomg so hard to lift even 5kgs 💀

Need to eat more eggggsssss 

Praying to the gods to never get injured again lol

 Oranges ♥️

Slams

AO being over leaves a strange empty feeling inside. Weirdness

Reflections and Lessons

One of C's office friends was fighting with her bf and that guy just sent her an expensive bag as a make up gift. Lmao. In my entire life I've never even thought of these things. Made me realise how low my expectations always were. Not that I care about stuff like this anyway, but I think it's important to know that there is consideration on both sides in any equation. I've been missing that for most of my life. This fact genuinely makes me sad, like legit just feel bad about this. I'll be mindful of this going forward. Plus idk this is basic so things should not reach a point where you have to feel like you are abandoned by someone everytime there's a tiff na. Hehe, I like feeling wanted and that I matter. Like rn also C called up just to check up on M and just listening to them talk feels so great. He is a gem, always does the sweet things... I'm glad she has him, he is a quality guy. :) 

Well bday kinda over. It feels decent today, just chilling with friends and watching match. I felt v touched by that, just low key and sweet. It had been a while since I caught up with a bunch of folks, esp.my cousin who always makes it a point to call me on my bday. I love you guys lots. 

Meg asked if M wished me lol. I'd made an effort for his and here we are. Even she was like yeah he won't, he will just act like he doesn't remember. But we are not 13 and this much pettiness is 🤷‍♀️ Just weird that he can't even be nice on his own one time. Lol. Like my happiness, making me feel nice...doesn't mean anything at all? No warmth for me huh? :) 

Damn, I really wanted this win with this exact scoreline but fuck. Gutted for meddy. 🥺

And now seeing Federer crying after losing to Rafa zomg. How much emotion. Hahahhaha fuck. I love you FedEx so damn much, what a baby you are. I'm fully gonna be like Mirka someday, just taking care of an adorable, competitive manchild 🤣♥️

The hustle and bustle of a coffee shop always intrigues me. So many people, all living their lives mingled with smells of fresh brews and baking breads. I'm not sure I like the chaos, but I love observing them and seeing them animated and happy. I'm becoming more and more into just observing scenarios these days, but in a very detached way. It feels like a live movie just going on as I breathe. 

It's funny, having a bday breakfast and it's the first time in years that I'm just chill on my bday, I don't fear anyone holding it hostage and not wishing me as some form of punishment lol. Every year someone would do that, over something petty. I think I've finally learnt not to give importance to people who can be this mean lol. That's a great self gift tbh. ♥️

Oo post 12. Happy b'day to me! 😬 ♥️

Time to tank my 1900 bullet ratinggg

Watching Jobava play some 2700 and it feels like he is just trying to school him lots lol. Wonder who this dude is - OptimistischeSschach. Tongue twister it be. 

Awwie he rage quit after losing 7-1. Dayum. I like how clinical Jobava is so steady. 

Lmc the game he won later:

https://lichess.org/b9M6NV0n/black

Oh he played this boy also, hmmm. Beat him in a ruy looks like. 

Man, who areeee these players some of them are so damn strong. No wonder Jobava was playing with his food haha. Deffo wanted to fuck around. 

Bday tomo. After a long time I'm just looking forward to a chill day, just watch the match, drink a little and hope this meddy brings his A game lol. Would be great to see a wild 5 setter and cheer hehe. I wanna get some sparkling wine and put a strawberry in it just to pretend to be fancy. Sparkling wine is such a crime against wine and yet my palette loves it. 

Clink clink 🥂

Idk why I'm so low on energy but damn. Eating less carbs and more protein is changing my energy comp wtf. How will I build muscle if I have these sudden crashes. Zomg. 

FUCK LOW ENERGY IM 1900 BULLET FOR THE FIRST TIME MUHAHAHAHHAHA

ZOMG IDK HOW BUT I MADE IT THERE WOOHOOO 

Meddy you fucker. You are gonna tank it aren't you? 😭😭 I hate this

Oh meddy you beautyyyyyy. I love youuuuu

Oh boy and still I'll root against you on Sunday lmao. :( man, it will suck to lose yet another so now I'm v confused you deserve a GS . Ugh. Ooops.

 

SINNER SINNER WINNER WINNER

 LETS GOOOO SINNER!! 💪

Edit: hells yeah he did itttt!!!! Let's gooooo. Omg I like him more than Alcaraz, that game style, the composure, everything!!! I'm a CAROTA GIRL NOWWW

I sometimes fear I have genuinely started losing all trust and feeling of openness towards people. Every single time I choose to I make a mistake. With some I don't even understand where I went wrong. Who knows man. Seriously. Sometimes my mind even cautions me - ugh. But I don't want to think that. I don't. But yes, I will admit that it was belittling asf and while I could ponder why, it will serve no purpose to discern the reasoning. And there's no point in trusting people and assuming they have my best interests or anything. Like someone I was friends with for years one day woke up and point blank told me he sees no value in me. And then proceeds to act all high and mighty and then stalks me relentlessly behind my back. To this day he wouldn't leave me alone after giving me those mean, godawful speeches that were aimed at trying to hurt me. Another person I was close to, did right by, just shows me by his actions that I hold no value to him. I was always genuine towards you, so I don't know why you all behave this way. 

A year ago knowing this would have made me feel small and insignificant. And now it doesn't even hurt to type that. I just know for sure that I'm not the problem and I don't think I ever was. 

So you know... It is what it is. I started out thinking maybe I'm losing faith in people but I'm realising now that I'm actually gaining faith in myself. I've been fortunate enough on balance to have lovely friendships and equations at every point in my life, and I'm equal parts grateful and happy to have that experience. May it continue.

How much of a garbage human being does someone need to be to repeatedly keep pushing into my life when I have explicitly said I hate having him there? Like how many times can it even be said before he understands I find it violating in the extreme? Just so tired of this drug addict like behaviour and lunacy. I legit hate this foul behaviour and complete lack of decency. How do you have zero self respect Pranav? How? From the bottom of my heart I wish I had never known him or shared anything with him, he has sunk to the levels of being just another creep. 

Movies

Movies to watch:

Mirror https://www.google.com/search?kgmid=/m/07n1ty&hl=en-IN&q=Mirror&kgs=e0232e4fa731a991&shndl=17&shem=lose&source=sh/x/kp/osrp/m5/2

Stalker

I'd liked Solaris and want to check out more or Andrei Tarkovsky's work. All of them seem high rated. Awesome for a weekend binge.

As I checked his work out it dawned on me that Rublev may be named after Andrei Rublev. Lol. How come it never struck me? Weird.

Interesting though, if that's actually the case. 

🎾

Let's go Sinner!!! 💪

Wooohoo imma wake up to this match tomooooo

Mood

 

I was thinking about Zverev and how fucking scary it is to me to know that he is a violent abuser. Not only is he huge, the amount of strength he must have, unleashed in a rage against a woman is just terrifying. I've seen his outbursts openly against referees in plain sight in front of so many cameras. It was batshit crazy and even guys will find it tough to handle him if he gets that way. So with women I can't even fathom how fucked up he must be. 

I get jealousy and possessiveness, anger, temper all of that. I don't think people who are prone to that are bad or monsters or broken, it's a natural instinct and can happen. And it's something you can handle to be honest. 

But being physically abusive is just... Unpardonable. 

This restlessness I feel is unreal. Completely here and there. 

Damn cardio makes such a difference in mood for me. From gloomy and restless to back to feeling normal. This is crazy. Days without workout just plunge me into moods huh. Lol, I guess for me it's imp for mental wellness and clarity. Should make sure not to skip. 

Also, somedays I just feel like raising hell. Vvvv rarely but my god when the mood strikes I really, really want to.  🥀

Everytime I have a list of things to do, I have mild anxiety until I finish it all lmao. I wonder how people who just take things easy do it and meander through life. Must be nice.  

Slowly but steadily I'm coming in alignment with myself. My fears are dissolving, I'm not feeling like I'm on the back foot, I don't feel uneasy. It's very nascent but I want to slowly and steadily build on this and structure it accordingly. Glad I started, I know that's the hardest part for me. But now that I have, I will be able to keep working towards the stuff I want. Pulling myself back into the here and now is what is helping as well. 

Hehe, I think I trust slow climbs in everything. Equations, work, learning. Everything. When the foundations are laid correctly, things you build tend to last. And I want to build strong at the end of the day. Whatever I wish to aim at, I want it to stand the test of time. Will do my best and will be kind to myself as I do it. 

Cheerio. 

Switched on match and it's 1-6 against Zverev wtf yo. Why carlitosssss? What's wrongggg. PLEASE DO NOT GIVE ME A MEDDY DJOKO FINAL ILL CRY. 

Dammit. He lost :(

It's only words ~

Ten years of my life, that I curated on this blog. Tiny snippets, small observations what have you. And yet it's only in the last one year that I wrote and wrote and wrote like all that was within my needed to be let out. 

You never know when something important comes around, but life changes in that instant and only later you realise why. I hope the next decade of this lil niche of mine has a lot of good times, love, success and positivity to show for it. 

~ and words are all I have

Ronan Keating

Oh lord Meddy tired again and if he somehow manages to win against Alcaraz for suuuure he will tank finals like last time. 😭😭 I WANT A GREAT MATCH ON MY BDAY FUCK YOU MEDDY DON'T RUIN IT FOR ME

Mum dad's wedding anniversary and dad wishing her on WhatsApp and she is mad asf. 💀 Man, they 60+ and she still has the energy to be angry and he to do everything except to pay attention to her the right way. Both of you suck man. Really. Lol. Dunno what else to say. 

I don't think I will make the choices my mom does. If someone doesn't care about me I will not try to make them or be angry at them or any of that man. It's not worth it and it's not worth feeling bad and it's definitely not worth doing so much for them while getting zero in return. I wish she had divorced dad tbh. He is a shitty partner. First time I'm saying it out loud but yes. He really sucks. 

Fuck you canon in d. Do not enter my playlist rn. 🖕🖕🖕

Checking out Sanderson's writing rules it's quite sensible. One of the things I'd never thought of was the distinction between types of writing styles in terms of structures. They called them gardeners v architects. Gardeners do not like having a wireframe for their stories and prefer to go with the flow in their writing so they don't mind editing but lose interest if they have to go by a stern structure. Architects like tight plots and then execute and hate revisions. This is so on point. I think I'm more in the architect category for sure, I like to get stuff done beforehand and hate revisions. I think you can even tell by reading their books which of the two styles an author might like to follow. The architects tend to be just a shade too mechanical for my liking. But then again maybe it's just the genre they tend to choose. I wonder what Tolstoy was. Dosto was deffo a gardener. Infact most older ones might be gardeners, they are so idea driven. Oh man I love this. Just checking more series out, out of academic interest and I'm actually getting quite into it. So much knowledge out there. Love it. Sanderson seems to love his work so much passion in what he says. Genuinely loved listening to the guy didn't even realise two hours passed. 

Also wonder what this boy is upto. Hope he is taking care of himself and not stressed out too much. Last week also was going crazy with bullet. I'll never understand why I feel so much concern for him, but so it goes. Have to periodically remind myself of things hurtful just so I stab my own concern of him lol. How tragic that you make me do this, but in a way it's good for me, teach me to bat for myself for once. :) 

Anyway, back to writing stuff and Sanderson. I'm glad I found this series I am enjoying it a lot. Thinking of listening to it before sleeping every night, it's great. 

Ps - Djoko Sinner I go Sinner. 

Sinner Sinner Winner 🏆

So tired 😩

My eyes are refuuuusing to open ugh. Fucking hate that stupid beam of light on my face. 

Hello darkness my old friend. Where hast thou gone?

Ugh. I hope djoko loses today idk why I'm feeling spiteful towards him but fuck him

Edit: why is fritz's gf such a cartoon lmao. Just looks so funny. 

Ugh. Watching her make that dissatisfied face as fritz tries his best and is losing. What a bitch man. I haaaate people who act superior when they aren't even doing anything fuck what a complete ass of a human being. Yuck. So triggering she is. Idk where people get that arrogance from like good for nothing themselves, in the box because of him and acting all disappointed like she had anything to do with tennis at all 🤢🤮

Lmaooooo - " I am telling chandresh that I hate her and he is like why and I am like this is that moment where girls hate girls " 

Hahahhahah yessss. Exactlllyyyy right on cue hated the exact same thing I did hahahhah. Guys just don't get it sometimes. Only girls know other girls at times hahah

Edit2: wow... To win like this with such low energy against an opponent trying his best. Dayum djoko bow to thee. That scoreline doesn't reflect how intense the match was, truly. Whoa Kyrgios doing post match interview whyyyy...sheesh just go back to playing zomg. This must feel kinda sad to him ngl. 

Damn also saw a reel of Djoko signing the cast of a small kid oof. Okay my ovaries just melted. He was so nice to her ffs. I think my heart just belongs to men who are good with kids. Just makes me melt and love them and how. Even I'm not that good with kids but still seeing a guy do it is so special. 

Finishing work early just leaves me with so much time in the evening. It is really nice and also a bit unsettling lol. I'm finding it very hard to not be busy. Mind just keeps feeling a void ffs.

Decided to check out one of MIT's psychology lectures out of curiosity and lmao they have vector calculus on the board behind them. So funny somehow. Been forever since I used vectors. I have such a deep interest in psychology though. People just fascinate me to no end. M says I keep analysing people and that's true, I think I just have an unconscious habit of doing that. The trouble with it, which I realise now - is I end up giving a lot of leeway to people when I should not because I imagine I understand the reasoning behind their behaviour. I have to stop that and only go by what they choose to say or do, no more no less. Otherwise it's just a recipe for disaster. Like there are ten reasons in my mind rn too which explain a certain something and yet the only thing I should objectively give weight to is what's in front of me. Funny thing is I'm not really mad anymore I'm just blah. Don't really have the energy for conflict or anything tbh. I guess that's one good thing, once the hurt abates, I tend to just detach from the memory of it. Must be my way of protecting myself.  Someone pretending to be indifferent towards me at some point used to make me very uncomfortable, but today I just see it more as yeah ok you do you. In my own way I guess I've turned some corner wherein I feel like I should not bother so much with stuff people do. Life is short, I don't want to be angry at anyone nor do I want to feel sad or insecure. I do miss you though, and I genuinely wish you'd not treated me this way. :( What else can I even say lol. I don't hate you or anything, nor do I have some ill will or demands or any of that, I just like things to be sweet and simple and clean. Hehe, cuz I'm all three of those things and I find safety and love in that. You once told someone I may or may not be sweet lol. I am though, too bad you couldn't see it. Maybe you never saw anything nice in me, I don't recall a single time that you said anything to me that would be a compliment haha. Oh well. Tis what tis. But life is short you know. You should make sure people you give a shit about know that you do, one day they'll all just die. That's a cold hard fact. It's not something I'm being dramatic about. It was my aunt's one year death anniversary recently and she died barely into her 40s. It's crazy how life can just change. And idk it made me think that.... Ugh. I don't want to say. But all this ego, and stubbornness and what have you. All of that will only leave you isolated and eventually it's just a battle of one. I know somewhere inside there is a decent man in you, I just wish you'd learn to take care of people better. 

Anyhoo, I fundamentally believe one should be happy and moping about something after a while just feels silly. Like so what if someone doesn't care? Life isn't going to come to an end over it. So why lose my smile? I shall not. Suck it. 

I hope someday someone makes half as much effort for me as I do for them, I would truly, utterly love that. ♥️😬🤷‍♀️

Started working on regaining fitness. Man my upper body has no strength. Lifting fucking 5 kg weights makes me sore lol. I wanna really kill it this year. Do a fucking headstand by the end of it lol. I'm so sick of feeling weak. Giving myself 3 months to get back on track and just get strong. 

These days I don't seem to have much to say, do I? Funny. 

Two points I am determined to never to reach back in my life - 

To ever be in a slump where stuff feels so cyclical I want to scream. 

To ever let myself care about someone who demeans or devalues me. The idea that someone could be on talking terms with folks that urinate on his stuff, be on group chats with people he doesn't even know who indulge in random sleazy things, who say mean things about him that his friend openly tells in public, nary a care of how it comes across but draws the line at saying a simple hello to me is so unbelievably insulting that it is kinda low key funny to me. And right after I'd shared that I was feeling low. Lmao. There's a delicious sense of such absolute absurdity in this that it's actually just making me laugh. 

For once, it's interesting but I'm actually kinda just sure that going forward this kinda stuff and behaviour will not repeat in my life somehow. Some corner was turned and things will change going forward. Idk if it's an instinct or a hunch but something tells me stuff will get better and better from now. And I look forward to it tbh. I have a feeling life will not only change a lot, but also work out well in this year and the next. I'm happy to be patient and steady as it does. 

And no more being out of alignment with myself and doing things half assed. Full ass one thing, as Swanson says lol. 

Softness

 Alfie

I love Mehldau, so serene. Dimly lit lamps and a bit of jazz. Perks up every evening. 

Oh my, Mehldau is something else I love this so much. Beautiful ♥️

Golden Slumbers

Tsitsi

Woke up from a random dream where I was telling Tsitsipas not to change his BH cuz he is the only one left with a one hander lmao. Oh the earnestness of these hahahah. Love it. 

Electricum

Play Me

...If you want to be in the zone. 

Let's go. Let go. 

And then we go Again

Optimist

"Life is too long to say anything definitely; always say perhaps."

I have intuitively always known this - Part of the reason why even in the wells of misery, I nevertheless remain a forever optimist. 

Pink

Tired myself out well and good today. Feeling loads better now. For once even feeling sleepy by 12, which is rare. But also feel like having a nightcap and painting lol. Maybe tomo. I feel like going for a long, long, long run, it's been ever so long that I did. But I'm scared I'll injure myself again and I can't risk it. Just sucks. Half my demons get abolished with endurance exercises. Biking will have to do I guess. Let me try to hit 60km tomo, should be a couple of hours at max. Actually yes, I think I'll do that. Listen to some songs or find some show to watch and go for it. 

Glad I'm feeling better. I need to slow down, not stress and just chill from now. The swing state is more or less over and I want to do random things like record myself singing and see how I sound lol. Channel my inner Lana Del Rey. Been listening to All Eyes on Me by Bo Burnham. If the world was ending, this is the song I'd like as the ost while I do a strip tease on a darkly lit stage wearing lacy pink lingerie. 

Get on out of your seats, all eyes on me. 

Light me up like your pin up girls. 

Until then This will have to do. 

Shelton Mannarino WOW!! MAAAN THAT WAS GOOOOD ♥️

To read later

 

Somehow the idea that people think there's a cheat sheet for him is kinda funny 

 🥺😞💀

Throwback to being a kid and wanting to win at wimby lmao. Did a double take seeing my nickname in that box ffs. And arrogant enough to think if my name was there, I'd be winning not losing. Heh. 

Let's see what djoko does today. He seems so distracted these last few rounds. Weird.

~

Ughhh why is he so randomly weak now. Losing games to Etcheverry of all people sheesh. Ugh why don't more people like tennis I wanna discussssss. Last time I spoke to someone about it they said they are a fan and didn't know ATP matches are not 5 setters like 💀. Didn't stop them from trying to explain the game to me though. That was fun. 

Like his name though. Etcheverry. Cherry cherry cherry. 

Alrighty. Bright sunny day, let's get some good work done, then read some research reports and finish them. Been looking at fintech and edtech again, but my god the sectors seem fuckall lol. Lemme just do my best today and work lots. Z also texted today, we might have to meet him sometime this week too. Should be a good catch up, see what the tech bros are upto. Found dad's old golf kit too, might be fun to go play a round over the weekend with these guys. Lemme see. 

Tired of being sad and I'm not gonna be anymore. No point in wasting feelings or being gloomy. Not worth it. 

Let's gooo. 

I saw this lil clip : https://www.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/s/SZkTJmDXrs

Damn. There are some wonderful fucking people in this world. And that's love right there.Totally worth it ♥️

The day I get it right, I'll be the most solid, loving woman that my man and our future fam will ever know. And I'll give you the world and all my heart, you'll see. 

My birthday is coming up on 28th. I think it's a Sunday. Would be nice to do something a bit different. Last year went out of town but this time I just want to chill and maybe go for a drive. Idk let's see. Funny. This time last year was when M told me to text the other M and say hi. I was so shy at the time, thought hundreds of thoughts before I said hello in person. This year she told me to see if we can talk cuz it's been so long and we should. And now she doesn't want me to have anything to do with him. Lmao. How times change. 

Read a funny sentence on reddit today. Describing a couple of cheaters. "Like two pieces of corn in the same turd". Sometimes words are so powerful. 

Interesting thread, about men who have been with married women. Most of them didn't know they were. But it's crazy the number of people just straight up cheating esp when they have kids. Idk man. So yuckky. How can you do that to a child? The world makes me sad. 

🍓

 When in doubt, coffee and strawberries. 

Alternating between feeling shitty and staying busy lol. Distraction is a good thing, just helps you remove any bad feelings cuz you are too tired by the end of it to feel stuff. Just avoiding thinking of it now. Plus he didn't even say hi in so many days and it didn't strike me till now but now that it does I'm just like lol. So much for that huh. Can't say I'm surprised, he has never once reached out on his own when there was conflict, will probably be unkind enough to say his usual I was so busy kinda bs on top of it all. He maybe really is cruel dude. Or atleast  someone that chooses to hide behind excuses, even though that's a generous excuse I'm making for him tbh. I should accept that fact. And I don't think he chooses to actually show anyone care on his own. Cuz what's the point in being so stubborn and dug in if all you are doing is hurting the person in front of you? What prize do you win from it? Satisfaction that you didn't give in? I mean... Okay have it. It doesn't produce any love just hurt. How long will you stay happy with that thought? Meh... It's okay. I guess people have their reasons to be the way they are. Atleast this time around I genuinely don't even think I was inadequate. I just feel like he is the one that failed me. Even if he is feeling bad, which he might be tbh, if he doesn't say it openly then how can I assume it? To me it just seems selfish and mean, he should know that. Can't be avoidant forever or ask for blind faith from someone whose voice you simultaneously refused to hear lol. See just this fact negates all other nice things I'd have otherwise thought. I can't assume care, I have to assume cruelty only here. Actions always speak, and they are all that count. It is what it is. 

Who would have perished if we had a normal equation lol? Such a simple thing it was and now feels like some mountain for God knows what reason. Things should not be this complex, being friends is simple, you get along or you don't. 🤷‍♀️ At some point this feeling of sadness will go away and then I'll just want to shout for sure. 

I think slowly I just want to take one thing at a time and focus on work and getting things done. It'll help me feel happy and it's always fun to focus on things I want to create too. I'm gonna take this time to do something constructive. I'm sure I'll feel bad from time to time but eventually that has to pass. And next time I'll be careful to not let myself assume the best in people, only if they show me actively should I let myself think so about them. There's not much else I can do, I am determined to not let this be something that colours my view of everyone else. I'd like to believe that there are good folks in the world and should our paths cross, I do not want to wrong them by treating them with skepticism. Will do my best. Sun has to shine someday, right?

💀

Sometimes the stupidest things make me laugh. Like This and This

And my dodo friend saying absolute nonsense

I feel just like that baby. Stuck in some random place I can't understand then things start seeming funny and I'll smile because it's all so absurd. Stupid ass life. 

M asked me why I felt so bad this time. I guess I'm just tired of being viewed with such suspicion everytime you know. It comes across as so insulting, like I've never asked for any special treatment or anything. Or anything at all. But the price of being nice and patient can't be just straight up brushing off that way. Even now while watching the match, it would have been nice to discuss it live and diss players etc. such simple things. And like idk man. I don't even get it. He can talk to people who are openly doing such weird things in their lives - banging peoples' wives and saying all weird things to others and what not...and I'm the one he draws a line with? Like everyone else with all the shit they do is okay and not me? I don't want to make myself feel bad by thinking of reasons why actually. But just the idea that listening to me itself was a no no is like degrading me from the status of a mere person too. It just feels extremely inhuman. I'm not sure what I did to make him feel like shutting me out so harshly was necessary to his well being. Like what was he even afraid of happening? Why complicate it this way for no reason? And I can't even share this openly because how will I? Just left it on ok. It's so frustrating to not be able to have an open conversation for me. Does he not get that? I hate this man, I really do. But if that's how little he thinks of me then it's good I know it for real. It might not even be that, might just be some random thing I've not thought of. Does he want me to think of him as an asshole? Hard to believe he would like that. Even if it hurts now, it'll become better eventually. I've never experienced someone treating me this way, so it was quite a shock too. And that's very true, like I've never actually been treated like this by anyone ever. Lol. People irl have always been good to me. After this long he should  not have either tbh. But no point in second guessing the why, it's not like I'll like the answer right. And I don't even expect an apology. I know him enough to know that he won't find it easy to acknowledge it, let alone say sorry. But if he wants to build a world of excuses or pretend to himself that he did what's right then okay, his life. I can't relate to all this, and I am not going to think anything mean towards him but I'm done making excuses on his behalf and room for his conveniences. So I guess I'm just gonna assume he had his reasons and let it be at that. But I'm done with people making me feel like shit for no reason or fault of mine... It's not fair and I will not accept it. If I'd treated him like that, I'm sure he would have hated me. And found it extremely insulting. Would he think someone who did that to him was nice? No right? He would hate their guts I'm sure. So he can't possibly think I should take it any other way. 🤷‍♀️ 

If the world fucking came to an end that day, I'd have fucking perished thinking a person I thought is my friend didn't even want to hear me out. What a fucking joke. Dramatic, but still, true nonetheless. You should never ever have to feel that. Everyone's a lunatic I think. 

Anyway, rant done. 

I won't ever be mean directly or negative or think unkind thoughts, I don't believe in that nor am I ever going to let on how badly this made me feel. Will just let it be and let there be dignity. It always wins out in the end. Just hope someday he realises that he hurt me and for no reason whatsoever. Good. Hope you are happy. Kudos. 

Think I wanna make a Federer sketch. It's been ages since I made anything. Will be fun, lmc if I can find some fun one. Just feel like I need to keep doing something, very restless.

Oh wow Djoko struggling. Hmm. I think his body is finally starting to give out. Might be his last season too, he seemed to be talking about retirement and spending time with his kids etc. Good. It's time he, Murray and the old guard moves on. Let there be new players. Saw Nadal become ambassador for the Saudis. Puke. All my love for him just gone the minute I realised this. Gross asf man. What a sellout. 

The roller coaster of emotions I felt really left me exhausted. But anyway, I'm not going to carry forward any negativity or ill will, it's not like me to hold on to anger or any of that. It's not the end of the world, the sun is out, and enough reasons to be happy. 

I'll go outside to work instead of from home today. Get some coffee, croissant and generally just pamper myself a lil bit. Maybe go meet raves in the evening, he has been in town and we haven't yet met. Hehe, saw some random bs he was up to so will be fun to catch up and tete-a-tete. 

It's kinda sad that my expectations from people are so rock bottom that it doesn't even occur to me to expect anything more. I wonder how other people do it. Like it's just so utterly sad to be honest. M ends up coaching me on what she considers basics. I wonder how I would feel if some day someone actually is genuinely caring towards me. I'll probably just be stunned or something. Atleast this time around I don't feel like I'm insignificant or anything, so that's progress. It's okay - you live, you learn. I think I can safely say that I do bring something good to the table and I should give myself credit where it's due. I'm fairly decent I presume. I'm remembering that one day many, many moons back when A met me, and ended up telling me in just a few months how much I changed his life and how my presence impacted him for the better. I've always loved this memory because of how honest and impromptu it was. He was also one of the first people to show me so much affection and care, I loved that even though I was fearful of it then. M says I need to wait and see if people show me that kind of care of their own will and she is right. Better to take it slow and let someone earn the right to my affections and trust too from now, instead of just bestowing it on them and being disappointed later when they don't come through for me. I should have the confidence that at the very least if something was wrong, people I choose to include in my life will try to fix it on their own and will not shy away from checking up on me and be there for me too. That would be nice. I have that confidence with all my friends now tbh. Which is cool. Maybe that's why I have such ease with them all. Anyway, I won't make this mistake again and I will try to be open and honest and not be skeptical of the world just because of the actions of a few people. I don't want to have a cynical view of anyone, I think it's just fundamentally wrong to  view everyone with suspicion and I can't do that. But I will try and wait and see if they are reciprocal in their care and friendship towards me and actually ask about me, how I feel, how I'm doing etc. If I share that I have an injury, atleast once ask me how I'm doing. See M would say even this is just bare minimum and I'm struggling to define what would be too much of an ask lol. I guess I don't want to feel like I'm the one doing all the work, eventually it gets exhausting and my patience runs out. But yeah, I do want to be shown effort. I think I'm totally worth it, and I don't think going forward I'll settle for less. Can make it a goal for 2024 to build good filters and see who takes the time to know me well. It would be good to feel cherished. 

Played all day almost and still not tired. Wonderful what brains can do when you want to distract. What a bender this was. Stupendous. 

Atleast I'm tiring myself out. That's good.

Well, I'm still playing. Let's just keep going fuck it

Oh god pranav is such a fucking loser man. Like seriously. Fuuuck. Again he is back like who tf is this crazy? Like a thief just coming around again and again and again despite knowing he is unwanted. Like how can you have no fucking pride or dignity man. Yuuuuuck. Zero semblance of decency and I'm so sick of it. I wish I had never shared anything with him, truly. What a complete garbage human being. I'm gonna have to take a drastic step if he shows up again cuz I'm just done with this shit. My skin crawls at the thought of him yuck puke

 Played so much. Feel like I should keep going.

Waking up early and just lying in bed. The early hours are nice. No interruptions. I'm feeling a tiny bit better today. Still feeling v devasted but atleast don't feel like shit anymore. I think I made the right decision for me atleast. I don't think I can do this no transparency bit any longer. It's too much for him to ask of me. I can't just go on in perpetuity with no knowledge of who he is and have no solid foundation. It's not fair to ask of me. And I can't allow myself to care about someone on such blind faith for ever also. It's not like he had to tell me all his life secrets from the get go or anything but to simply brush me off that cruelly was extraordinarily awful towards me... It's just showing me no empathy or care, like I'm some random nobody. And it's not as if we didn't know each other, it's been more than a year of talking almost every day. That's what hurts me the most, the fact that I tried from my side to always be upfront and even after that he found it so easy to just be so mean. He never once stopped to think how it might feel to me, right? Even the thought of that makes me feel so stabbed at the moment, I can't lie. I need to understand for my own sake why I give a chance to people who just straight up don't even care about my feelings even once? Like it's not as if I've hurt him. Fuck dude, from the time I knew him, I was in his corner. So many times when I sensed that he was sensitive I'd try to be nice and supportive cuz like a fool I cared so much and wanted him to be happy and feel at ease. And all for what? For someone who just didn't give a shit in the end, treated me like I wasn't even human. I'm just gutted at this and I don't know why it hurts as much as it does. I wish I could just be angry but that never comes easy, I just feel v v sad. It genuinely just broke my heart. Even trying to write this now to get it out of my system isn't coming easy cuz it just hurts so damn bad at the moment. The worst part is how I was so happy at first thinking it might be so nice to have a solid friendship at the very least, and now it turns out I was completely wrong about everything. Why is it so easy for people to just pretend to be nice? I don't want to know. I don't want any of these answers anymore. I guess I just have to save myself here, even if noone cares about me atleast I need to do so and have my own back. I'm glad I have my friends at the moment, it's always been the silver lining in my life and they always come through. Anyway, I guess I'll be okay in due time. Atleast I know I'm not the one that fucked it up or did anything wrong. If he couldn't bring himself to value me at all, then what can I even say? In the end such a person won't make a positive difference in my life either, it'll just be me caring while he feels zero need or obligation to give a shit about me and that is never a good thing. And after so long if someone can be so detached and straight up deliberate in their attempt to shut me out, then it tells me how they operate from a space of zero empathy and kindness, and in the end respect and kindness are the two non negotiable things I seek in any equation, if even that is off the table then there's isn't anything left anyway. Blah. Idk. I still have no words to express how I feel fully. After a long time I've felt this distraught. :( anyway, I have no intention of being nasty about it nor do I have the energy left to feel anything. At the end of the day, I know how difficult it is to find someone who is genuine and loyal and caring of their own free will. Partners can betray you, friends can, professional life is filled with nastiness. In a sea of muck that you have to navigate, the one thing I've learnt is that you have to value the right things and people in life and make an effort for them. And I've always tried from my side to be good, it's not a lot but it's the only value system I've adhered to. I just dupe myself into thinking the person I'm being nice to adheres to the same values but I guess they dont. Like M said, I have to learn to discern who has my best interests too, it's not enough if the other person doesn't even treat you right. And she has a point. I wasn't even asking for much, just to have a sense of normalcy in this equation so it doesn't feel so surreal all the time. What was he even afraid would happen if we talked? I just thought it'll be nice and you can get a sense of each other for real and just be able to goof around, make jokes and generally be happy. How was that something so tough to do? How is it different from getting to know any other person? Don't you talk to all your other friends? Lol. It wasn't that complicated. It's not as if people don't want to get to know me, or have ever been mistrustful of me. I'm not arrogant but I do know I'm kind and smart and good to people and know how to make and effort for them to feel supported. Even his friend who spoke to me for a single day instantly understood my core traits in that one conversation and straight up told me that. 

I just hope this is the last time life brings me around people who don't care about me, I really just want to feel safe, and be able to have honest and genuine equations in my life. Don't mind having few people but they gotta be quality people I will not compromise on that ever. And I'm not doing this weird, up in the air equation anymore. I deserve better. The irony of the person being skeptical and distrustful not even realising that he is the one that actually failed in that area, and spectacularly so. So much for self awareness. Whatever. I cared about you genuinely, and I'm sure you knew that, and still chose to be this way. If you want to fix it, you figure it out for once. It should not be this hard at the end of the day, and nor should it feel like an obligation tbh. Freedom is important and things should be done with an open heart, and with happiness. This is why I'll never ask again, it's up to you to come correctly if you want and if not then I'm not someone who likes to feel as if I'm making someone do something. And I'm not going to let myself feel awful and unsure all the time either, I will do right by me. Let's just choose to be happy and positive. I'll just leave it at that.

After all this time if you couldn't even bring yourself to say a simple hello? Like. Lol. I have no words anymore. Took so long to trust you and you shattered it within a minute. I'm tired of people I'm good to just being cruel to me and assuming I'll just be okay with it. I am not. 

Wow... I can't believe after all this time you chose to treat me like this. Okay fine. Can't say I'm not hurt but okay. I'll get over it. Just another thing to get done I suppose. You can't be all that nice if it's so easy for you to treat people this badly anyway. I'll make sure to remember that. 

I hate it when fear of any sort takes hold of me. It's the one mind space that really fucks up my lens and that panic is always a bad thing. But I guess it's the passage of time and sometimes it is good to have perspective thrown at you even through that. I'm a lot calmer now but I am definitely sure that this kick in the ass was required. I'm grateful for my friend, helped me get some perspective. Atleast she is so patient that not once was she irritable or anything, just a good sounding board. But yes, I want to wake up with a positive mindset and do the necessary things and focus on myself a lot more from now. Slow and steady. And I'm gonna just take it a day at a time and think of it just as " today I gotta get xyz things done". Let's see how it goes. 

Okay just going to stop being indulgent on whining and keep going. It's not like I wasted the year, I was actively trying to change a lot of shit too and I shouldn't take away from myself for that. Let me be more consistent from today and build back whatever it is that is missing. Sitting and sulking won't help just time will keep moving on. And the thing with time is it doesn't come back. Don't want to be at this point again, so on days I feel gloomy I still gotta make it a point to do what is necessary. That is the only way. Mental toughness is needed. Noone is gonna come save you, gotta do it yourself. Let me just take it bit by bit and not get overwhelmed. 

Calming myself with guided meditations on yt. Lmao. What has life come to?

Sometimes it's just so fucking hard to know what to do. I'm so utterly frustrated rn. Like. Got so annoyed at the fact that all of last year I had an injury, couldn't run properly, all the fitness is built was slowly decreased and now that I'm finally injury free it just feels like starting from scratch and that has its own sucky feeling. Like a hamster in a wheel that is just going round and round. I hate this. I hate not attaining goals I hate that discipline is something that just fades if you aren't careful and more than anything I'm just mad at myself for not doing enough. That's what bothers me. The fact that I feel like I didn't push hard enough. I hate it. I want this to be the last time I feel this way. And my book is unfinished, I haven't made progress in chess.Work always sucks idgaf about making money for other people, it's so monotonous. It's like everything is just at a fucking standstill and I hate it. 

And every fucking year it's a battle of feeling one shitty way or another and then fixing it and then to realise oh wait there's another stupid battle to deal with. It's just so depressing. I know this feeling will pass, I don't doubt that. But just rn I feel so much like shit and like life is just passing me by and I'm accomplishing nothing. I feel so so so gutted and depressed rn. 

Anyway, best to live with discomfort than complacency so there's that. Whatever, I have to pull myself out of this. Change for good and don't look back. I'll make a list of things I want to do this year and slowly build to that. Atleast managaeble goals should give me a sense of accomplishment if nothing else. 

Zomg I'm close to having a midlife crisis. Ffs. Feeling random panic. Hating on everything. Help. 

Frustration

I want to change a lot of things this year... I'm really sick of this monotony and it's time it goes away. I just do not want to sleepwalk through life because it feels that way a lot of the time. Just feels like I'm getting older and yet just not moving forward. I don't like this. Dunno how to go about it rn but deffo need a game plan and stick to it. Ugh. So frustrated just knowing this rn.

Aaaaaagh. 

Even these mini breaks and just chilling is fucking grating idgaf about any of this.

Went to see Merry Christmas, oof what a nice movie! After ages saw a whodunnit that wasn't stupid. Vv cool. 

And now listening to Nocturne lol. I love this. 

The amount of work I've finished today makes me so happy. Woohooo. Nothing so satisfying as just getting shit done 💪

Whew. 

Waking up at 12 and still so groggy. How people function on less sleep is beyond me. I want to sleep moreeeee. Gnite world 

Came back to M's place and she promptly fell asleep lmao. Man, I do nooot like coming city side anymore. Quiz was fun though. I really like these quiz folks, they come up with some decent questions. Got beat by a table of ten which sucked ass. I think what I hate the most is not giving the answers when I know them. I just hesitated for no reason and lost out on two 30 point questions and now I can't forgive myself. 💀

And it looks like this boy is playing tennis now. Lol. He needs to care for himself better man. Looked so damn tired earlier and is already out playing. Ugh. Idk. I can't obviously say too much but I really wish he would push himself less at times. Actually but I like that about him, it's great to see him be so disciplined it makes me also want to do more and I legit love that. I was telling M also today, about how it's so wonderful to see him do his thing. She was like in your eyes he can do no wrong cuz you are so fond of him. Lol, maybe true. I am, very very very fond of him. But it's rare that I feel so indulgently fond of someone so I'll cherish that. Even if my lens on him turns out wrong, in the end I hope our equation holds significance for both of us. Dammit I actually miss you if I don't talk to you for a bit. Don't ever exploit that fact if you figure it out. You know what sucks? The fact that caring about someone comes with such a lot of carefulness and a desire to not let them know you do cuz you don't want it to be like a weapon of sorts. All the fuckwads I've met along the way, you guys are such losers cuz you took the one thing that someone can bestow on you of their free will aka their love and care, and you all juuuuust used it to harm them. Who was the loser in the end? You guys. And me, in some small way cuz now every person I come close to giving a shit about, I instantly start to look for red flags in. I need to stop that. Don't want to spend my life just second guessing someone. M, if you ever screw me over, I'll take the hit and deal with it then, but I think I'm ready to trust you for reals from now. Just out of a desire to flip off every last stupid shithead I met before. But also because as much as I wanted to run away from it all, in the end I just care about you a 100 percent. So fuck it, I'll try not to doubt you any longer. And I hope you start to lean in too from now, it's time you started being real with me too. And I hope you never turn my inherent loyalty into a test of endurance, I'm not vindictive, but my indifference - once attained - tends to be for keeps. 

Also, I NEED TO BE MORE PREPPED IF IMMA QUIZ NEXT TIME. NO MORE LOSING. 

Literally me past 24 hours.

GODDAMMIT LOST AAAAAAAA

FUCK SO STUPID. LOST ON SUCH DUMB QUESTIONS.

Who tf puts a question with Bach, Beethoven, Wagner and Zimmer and have the answer be they are all German. What a dumb fucking question 😭😭😭

I hate losing. 

Listening to poppy music during a quiz break. I wanna dance lol. I wanna just dance idk why. 

Imma go quiz today but damn so tired and low energy. Ugh. Dragging myself 💀. Need some sleep and good food, my body is crying rn. Hate this stupid week, just get over already. 

Ok fuck it I want to win it. Sleep is for the dead let's gooooo

Lack of sleep is making me wonky. Really gotta fix this. 

Again I haven't slept all night ugh. I really need to fix this. Dammit and I'm feeling hungry too 😭. Serves me right for working out late night, knew this would happen. Don't even have anything cooked rn. All my zen mode mojo gone with my hunger pangs. Lol

Zen Mode

Something about just chilling post shower at midnight. It's become one of my fav parts of the day. Noone to interrupt the peace. I'm becoming v fond of this time to myself. Even the sensorials of smelling nice and feeling cosy really make me glad. If I had a tail, it would wag ever so slightly at this. 

Me rn ^

Pro tip

When the hold of doubt and insecurity starts to take root, take a deep breath, visualise yourself as still, calm, acting from a place of respect for the self and the other. Whatever action springs forth, will always be the right one for that moment. This is the gospel I've started to follow, and helps me calm my mind whenever flights of fear threaten to upset my balance. So far, it's worked well. 

Dec 2022

My aunts' first death anniversary already has arrived. Damn man. Time flies and how. I am not visiting them, just didn't feel like going. It's weird how my extended family is so distant to each other. But maybe a lot of people just don't get along with their dad's side relatives? It's pretty common no? There's a lot of memories I have to visiting her in the hospital in 2022, a couple of weeks before she passed. I don't want to think about it now. 

But I hope you rest in peace. :(

Was going about my day and I realise that I miss this boy if I don't say hi to him for an extended period of time. Hehe. After a long time, I have started missing someone's presence.  Funny thing is the conversations are usually just mundane and generic but still, it just feels good and their absence kinda makes itself known to me. 

Ugh. I want to make noise and spam lots but I won't too much today, just lazy. And someday I'll tell him this, I'm sure he will say I know or something along those lines hahaha. He won't say it but I'm sure he will think it with that all knowing smile. I bet he thinks he knows me more than I think he knows me. But he won't figure out that it's only cuz I am actively so transparent in front of him, he will chart it up to his own prowess won't he? Hehe. Menz. ♥️ I mean, even I think I understand him better than he thinks I do, juuuust saying. In the interest of fairness I must admit it. Me. ♥️

Lots of bits of his personality actually bring out a lot of my more feminine traits tbh. Despite the loudness and goofing around with him, internally I just feel very, very nurturing and lovingly towards him and he makes me more mindful and softer. I used to read about women having that dainty touch when it comes to guys and I never understood it before, nor did I imagine having that trait in me, but slowly he seems to be uncovering it in me unknowingly. To be fair, people always told me I had it but I guess I never noticed it before. Nor did I feel this gentle calmness which is surprisingly steady earlier. Idk if I can chart it up to him or myself, so I'll say it's a mix of both. There are these moments of utter peace, solidity and loving observance all clubbed together that I feel from time to time, and in those I feel most like myself than I ever have. I like being this person. Hope neither of us fucks it up. I know I won't. 

This is a nice realisation.♥️

Interesting how I've become a writer this past year, for a decade I had nothing to say because I never thought anything I had to say was of any note. And now I feel like every tiny thought needs to be crafted into words so I can pour out my soul into them, just because I don't want it all only within me. I used to read a lot of the letters on letters of note, and here I am today, writing these little ones of mine, hoping to make sense of it all, but most importantly to preserve a world within them that holds my heart - naked, clear, unvarnished. 

Finally above 1800 atleast. Sheesh. Idk wtf had happened took a day of playing insanely to get back. 💀

Jazzy Star

Something about midnight jazz. Feel like those writers who steep themselves in their own selves hating on the world, yet wanting it to be better. Lol. I feel so self indulgent when I allow myself to wallow in despair over the state of the world that I have neither the intention of changing nor thinking about once this mood wears off. I do this strange thing where I dig up old memories of people long left behind just to hate on them. In my head I keep trying to reframe then and think of alternative scenarios so I can know how to deal with it all should it happen again. Yet these equations have long been dust. 

So would I ever need to deal? No. What bothers me is the years of things left unsaid, of me never ever having called any of the shit out and just being a mute spectator to people crossing my boundaries because I didn't know then that I should stand up for me. I hate that. If there's one thing I'd change in my life it's this one thing. But then again, would I have anything to hate out of boredom? Nope. 

Lol. 

Right on cue the jazz goes nuts. I love it. 

I feel like a lot of jazz can be set to freestyle flamenco, like an emotional tornado that seeks to affirm itself with each movement. It's interesting how each note tends to call out to some part of your body, just a little wiggle here and a little wiggle there. 

How fun. 

Aaaaaaaa I'm losing every fucking game wtf is WRONGGGG I hate thisssss.  God I legit feel like kicking something wtf is this shit

I like this song: The Finishing

Guitar, jazz and edm comes together to make a weird but nice combo for once. Synth, Sax, Guitar. Finger my mind.

Aand there's a song by my name. Interesting. How glad am I to be named after a flower whose scent I actually love. 

Tried to fix my laptop keys for the last two hours and now 4 keys are out, the problem isn't fixed, the laptop is overheating and I simply can't stop laughing. 💀

WHY AM I PLAYING SO BADLY AAAAAAAA 😭😭😭😭

Everyone just seems like a liar to me now lol. I actually just can't help but think that. Miss the days when I was a trustful soul, but I'm not one anymore. 

 Playing the worst chess I've played ever

M was telling me about some married childhood friend of theirs hitting on her other friend on insta. Both have new babies. The married dude only posts pics of wife and kids and shows a family guy image. Why are people like this? Are there really no men you can trust? It just makes me sick and also low key terrified that people can just lie to you this way while betraying you so easily. And the audacity of doing it in your own circles it's not even something they choose to hide. Cheating is gross but married people with kids doing it like. Do they not even care about their families? Man. I feel so grossed out. I feel like it's a hard thing to find someone to trust. Idk if I'll ever be able to deal with shit like this. For me even like the idea of commitment is so tied to emotional closeness. To be able to have that cocoon that's just us, I can't imagine a third person there. Hope I never have to deal with that. Post marrige I just want a quiet, wholesome life with just us primarily and our close friends + fam which we take care of. Do not need anyone else interfering. 

Chiku season yaassss. I love it. The day is so damn gloomy today sheesh. Everything rainy. It's like the weather is insecure.

Dads' birthday today.  62 today. Damn, he is getting old!

Ps- Happy B'day Elvis too!

Okay I am beyond creeped out right now. After blocking him in every goddamn platform, not talking for more than a year, calling out his shit after I realised how fucking incessantly he was stalking me, I had hoped he had finally left me alone. Cut to today when I see he went back to stalking and 74 times to boot. Fuck. This is not just unhinged its just terrifying. Why tf can't you stay the hell away from me pranav? I do not want you in my life! Just go away and stay the fuck away from me. I do not have words to describe how sickening and repulsive I find this. This honestly crosses a line into being straight up creepy asf. I wish I had never known him. 

Discovery

You know what I kinda miss? That lovely sense of closeness I used to feel when someone would call me all the time, couldn't wait to talk to me, spending nights just talking to each other till the AM and getting to know each other through and through. Even when you knew you'll be sleep deprived asf the next day. It was so easy back then, everything seemed brand new and it took like a week's worth of just being in constant touch until you know every tiny secret about each other, all those inside jokes. There were no barriers, no distrust, just a lot of hope and laughter and ease. You know like how you become best friends straight up after just a few days cuz you know you met someone special and couldn't wait to share all about yourself with them, and have them tell you every little thing about themselves. There was such joy in that discovery, and it was so hard to hold back cuz like waking life was inf better than just sleeping. And that inevitable cocoon that would form that housed all the closeness and the sweet gestures and leg pulling and you just knewwwww right at the start that the bond will be special. 

Every meaningful person that ever entered my life, happened to enter suddenly and abruptly and boom! Few weeks later we were close as can be. It was wonderful. One of the things that makes me truly happy is knowing that everyone that I met up until now, who I have cared about - instantly and almost instinctively trusted me. To a point where I grew up thinking that was a norm and only much later discovered that people are actually distrustful by nature. I remember V telling me that she had only two friends growing up and after I met her, we became friends cuz I simply bulldozed her barriers down like I didn't see them. That was true, I just felt they were silly and decided she was a great person who I wanted in my life so just stuck around till she was feeding me nice food and all ahhahaha. Oh man, that was legit amazing ♥️

I miss that feeling. And I wonder if someone will want to get to know me with that much happiness and passion again. After eons I've even thought about it and I don't want to taint it by telling myself that adulthood is about people having barriers and lines and all that. Fuck that. Idgaf. Barriers are meant to be temporary not like a fucking jail that keeps you caged in and everyone nice shut out. That's just pointless. 

Someday, everything would be like a fresh sunny day after the rains abate. People need to have more faith in themselves and not just be insecure about every tiny thing all the time. It's no way to live life. Why crawl when flying is an option? Atleast float and cruise around. That's a good middle ground.  

LOSING TO 1600S ALSO NOW WTF IS WRONGGGG 

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Ffs it's like I've legit forgotten how to play mofoooo

Just realised how much people fucking whine on and on and on sometimes. I'm the one pmsing and yet everyone else is crying. Ffs. 

But I kinda get that boy too. I mean, I honestly don't have words for how messed up it is that he puts himself through so much pain. Is he really that terrified of being alone? Poor thing man. I genuinely hope luck favours him and he find a solution out of the blue. He needs that. I'm glad M has also started being nicer and kinder to him. He always was but now it's a lot softer and I like that. He is also growing as a person and it's nice to see. A lot more balanced too now, as well as just calmer. Especially these last few months. I kinda get that boys' attachment too, unhealthy as it is. Even I find it tough to detach from people I care about and I did spend a number of years in toxic friendships in the hopes the other person changes. And some can maybe but a lot of the times you have to simply put an end to it. And I'm v possessive too so I get wanting to try hard to make someone change I've done that as well. But once I finally shed that urge, it was the most liberating thing ever. It finally put me on the path to actually being good and solid and happy and it took forever to even get there. Even the beginning of 2023 I was quite messy but I'm glad that's behind me. That's why I keep wanting to help him cuz in some sense I do understand deeply that feeling of not being loved and cherished by someone and then wanting to earn that love. I'm glad I stopped doing that atleast and I hope he does too. And the loving ones will simply make your life more wholesome. I think I do that for others too now, atleast I hope I do and I hope they do feel that steadiness in me.  What that fish dude said is right, people you are with are a reflection of you. For once, I'll be glad to be with someone that's a reflection of me. I think it honestly would be wonderful lol. I've always had this inkling that the right people help you grow, change and become better versions of yourself and I think in that regard atleast I'll be a great partner to someone and someone like me would be a great one for me also. Not exactly me, but someone complimentary to me. That's a nice thought. :) and one thing I'm damn sure of, and it got cemented for me today when I saw that question too... I will not be anyone's option. Like no. Just reading it made me recoil a bit and while I didn't expect any clarity to come about, I knew right then that I will not settle for being an extra to anyone ever. It definitely triggers my insecurities though, but I've come far enough to know that not only do I want something that's just mine, I also know that I deserve to have someone who makes me their priority and treats me with that level of care. As I would the same. And I think I do deserve clarity and openness too. I won't ask for it though, the one time I did the response was nothing short of brutal to hear, so I'm not doing that again ever. This stuff people should be able to figure out on their own. Anyway, I hope this is the year where everything falls into place for me. 

~

I wanna do something fun and chill. 

Lol, need to remember how to play chess again I'm on a massive losing streak. Sheesh. I've become SLOOOOWWW. 

~

Aaaa

Losing losing losing. Fuck it. I'm so done.

~

PMSyyyyy

Randomly moody and angry ish today. Bet it's the pms. Interesting how once I know what it is, gets a bit easier to put it in perspective. But it's so difficult to stop my mind from wandering into hating on things. 

I'm genuinely very very irritable today, just getting angry at things. I even start to imagine things to trigger myself into being angry, just noticed that. Just picking old memories from the rage bank and converting them into hate. Some ten people I must have scolded in my head already. Ugh, and I have to go buy some groceries and clothes too and now I just don't want to drive. FML, why all this on a Saturday?  ಠ⁠﹏⁠ಠ

I want to cry :(

Slept so warm I feel like I'm in a cosy cave holy fuck this is what I've been missing. Dammit I used to wake up shivering now I know why. Sweaters and socks FTW. 

Ok more snoozingggg

Wishful thinking

Days leading up to periods are truly the worst. Now I have to wait for a random bout of crying incoherently for no reason and they'll arrive the next day. FML.

You know what I would love to have rn? Those warm cosy onesie type pyjamas that seem like a soft blanket for your body and just take a hot shower, put on some nice lotion, slip into the onesie, wear a mask, block out all light and just sleeeeeeeep. 

Aaaand I'm now too slow for 3+0 ಠ⁠︵⁠ಠ

Fitzgerald's life is one of hedonism and toxicity man. Dayum. I think these toxic relationships can be enticing cuz they engage all your senses fully. Sex seems hedonistic and most people just get seduced by that thrill of being on top of the mountain. Then they die by 44 like F Scott did.  💀

This is why life should be tempered by monkhood and mastering yourself not just losing your mind in pleasure seeking. I hate the nature of addictions cuz they control you. WHY DO YOU WISH TO SUBMIT? 

The irony of the author of Rich Dad Poor Dad having 1.2 billion in debt. Ffs how do these guys even get that much money loaned to them. There's deffo some scam behind the scenes that noone talks about. No way this can happen otherwise 

Butler v Gatsby

Reading about Fitzgerald and now Gatsby is making more sense. Fundamentally I can't get behind Gatsby but I guess I can appreciate the sentiment. Falling for these smoke and mirrors types of Daisy Buchanan type women is just sooooo repulsive to me. They'll just look and act like delicate flowers and be total cunts but society will see them as oh so nice. 

I'd pick Rhett Butler over Gatsby any sweet day. Both had similar swashbuckling traits but Rhett was such a man. And the one who discovered his worth and decided to deliver that iconic line. Well, come to think of it, I didn't like Scarlett O Hara either but she was strappy and capable which I can respect. But Daisy Buchanan aaaaa. Just triggers me the wrong way lol. Like her parallel in Gone with the wind might even be Melanie except Melanie was such a strong woman and the way they showed Rhett instantly recognising that and always being a gentleman only for her was amazing. 

Hehe, I love you, Rhetts of the world. You all are wildlings - driven, passionate, can be absolutely maddening, but will always come through when needed. Now that's a man's man right there. 

How can someones back look hot like howwww. Fuck. Just wanna pretend to give him a massage and take an ice cube and trace it's outline slowly. Startle him a bit while he is all sweaty ugh 🥵

Mind is going to dirty places ffs

How is he masculine in juuuust the exact amount howwww. 

My unholy thoughts will make a priest blush, were I to confess them right at this minute. 

Ughhh. 

Decor I liked

 

Was watching some random youtuber house tour vid and gah my eyes watered at how uggos those stark mansions look yuck. Nothing I hate more than pointless ostentatiousness like it screams lack of class to me. Esp if there's an echo in a house, then it's just needlessly big.

I'm a die hard Dieter Rams school of design philosophy convert and I cannot bring myself to appreciate things that serve no purpose it's so inefficient. 

Had to purge that memory by finding decor ideas on Pinterest lol.  I really love the cosy Japanese style aesthetic and these warm tones for bedrooms. Simple clean lines, elegant and comfortable. Probably not the frilly pillow in the last bedroom but the colour tones are so soothing, no needless clutter. I like rustic reds and beige and grey tones together. Even like the addition of the blue stripes on the headboard that's a nice touch. And comfy leather armchairs, fake leather ofc. 

Something about cozy spaces is really lovely to me. 

Nadal 2024

https://youtu.be/mdIMXEZRdY8?si=E8mgmRTrFv4TYcML

Ooh la laaaa!! That shot at 1.36

RAFA ILL CRY OMGGGGG SO GOOD I LOVE YOUUUUU

I legitimately became happy seeing this wow. Tennis actually means a lot to me as a sport. Who knew a random childhood hobby could turn into a lifelong passion of sorts. Dayum. Fedal has been a part of my teens and adulthood, that's amazing. I really love it. And I always stick to the things I love. 💕

Intelligence

I wonder who the smartest person I know would be. Interesting. Never thought about it before.

Mofo periods seem to be around the corner. Everything hurts again. 😭

I knew a lot about NPD but now reading a bit more about BPD and wondering if some of the folks I've known have displayed these symptoms. Lmao this is one fucking deep dive I should noooot have started but now that I have I find it so damn fascinating. Istg psychology is so unbelievably interesting to me. 

It says BPD is more common in women atleast diagnostically, and I've wondered if Di and L have some form of these. I've spent a lot of time around few women with extreme emotional tendencies and, sometimes I do wonder about this. With Di, I sense the amount of rage and hate she carries inside is very intense. And L has a huge pattern of seeking validation from guys, cheating on them, using them for her own needs and in general she enjoys having a guy on her hook even when she is dating someone. Not to mention the lying and the complete lack of accountability and the incessant image manipulation she keeps doing. Like L is definitely someone I'm very wary of cuz she thinks nothing of manipulation and cheating and will backstab literally everyone just to get her ends met. Least trustworthy person I've ever come across. Di doesn't have that tendency but hers are more extreme self centeredness and I don't think she is unreliable or anything but definitely has such a selfish outlook that it always struck me as odd. Something of an anomaly there too. But overall she is inf better than L and I don't think she is unempathetic. I think that's my litmus test for people now. 

Yeah I think more or less it's just L who is not only a red flag but an extreme case. She is the only one I find scary cuz she is able to hide her motives really well. The rest of the people just seem like they were dealing with bad parenting growing up and are now atleast more or less regulated well. I hope I never ever cross paths with L again. That psycho is just bad news. 

When I first started wondering about all these things, I was determined to find out what was it in me that made me not see these red flags in people. I struggled with that so much. Now I'm a lot better at it but man, growing up it was really tough for me to actually understand wtf was wrong. I'm truly glad people like meg were around cuz she has a very direct understanding of people and she doesn't give undue credit to anyone so it used to always make me see a point I hadn't considered. But I guess it's just cuz she wants the best for me and usually her bar for people is more a no bs, actual tangible effort kind and unless she sees that she doesn't give anyone credit no matter who they are. Hmmm. But it's okay she is only watching out for me so she is bound to be protective. And it's good she is in my corner, in the end I'll always consider and trust her judgement cuz it comes from a place of care towards me. And I know she will always tell me the hard truths and sometimes you just need that in life. Haha, M will have to pass her standards check if ever we become close cuz she won't mince words if she thinks he is half assing anything. You would need her blessings M, I think only post her buy in will I ever fully trust anyone else in life anyway. Although I do trust him lots already, and I feel quite comfy and safe with him. And I get the feeling that he feels safe with me to tbh. That's nice. I'm glad. Hehe, despite all her warnings to just quit on him, I'm actually quite glad I didn't. And I hope that I made the right call and decided to take that leap of faith with him. I think as time goes by we both will feel okay to be open with each other too. The one thing I've realised over the last year is that time is sometimes needed for any equation cuz people have their own fears and barriers to trust, doesn't mean they are bad, just scared of getting hurt or scared of past hurts. If you have lived that way, then having a genuine connect does require time and patience. I guess meg chooses people differently but I hope my approach isn't bad either. Anyway, this is all I know tbh..to be there for someone and be in their corner, rest is up to them to decide if they value that trait or not. Times when I panic, like NYE when I suddenly felt bad is cuz my approach leaves most things to chance whereas Meg's since it's definitive she doesn't have to second guess if the other person cares about her or not. Hmmm. Yeah, I think that surety is imp and I'll also need it in due time. I need to know tangibly that I matter to people, and eventually I'm going to have to factor that in.

On a lighter note, funny how all you guys have your name starting with M. You, her, my mom and my coffee mug that was mom's at one point. This letter is an integral part of my life. 

I didn't know this ^. Damn, that gives even the scream a whole new dimension. 

Broooo if he is dealing with BPD then that's just fucked upppp. I don't think he will have a single clue how to go about it let alone have the mental strength to put up with it. Oh fuck. Scary and how. Why don't people just run away from such folks? Man, this explains so much about her and I'm pretty certain her husband is a scumbag too. I still don't see why M doesn't see how abusive that guy must be. It takes a special type of abuser to simply exploit someone with a disorder it's like hitting someone who is in a wheelchair or something. And that dude is constantly belittling everyone cuz I'm assuming it gives him a sense of relevance. But I guess guys have a tendency to want to protect other guys so they don't see the pov of the girl sometimes. And vice versa. Cuz what hit me first was how that girl was being exploited by both these dudes. At the end, both of them want her compliant to fulfil their sexual needs and her emotions are simply a barrier if it means the compliance isn't there, right? See that's the woman's perspective in these situations but guys never understand it fully I think. And a lot will consider the woman manipulative too. Or project her as crazy. You never know in these situations. But meh, he probably knows a lot more about this situation in particular than I do anyway. 

Damn I just feel bad I know how fucked it is to be around such folks. And he even likes them. I don't understand that how can he like them? Even when I dated A, I understood quick that something was v off and then just took me time to break it off. But how does he liiiike them? Ugh. Someone help that soul. 

Sometimes I just wish I could be like Claire Pritchett and just shout at these people whose lives I want to straighten up and be like you fuckers better listen to me for your own damn good. Gah. Inside me there's a controlling parent that will find it v hard to sit by if someone is being a moron. 

Fuck dude. On top of this, all my life I've also wondered if my own mum has some form of a mild disorder or was it just being stuck in a shit marriage that made her act in that extreme selfish ways I've seen her behave. Like it was v unsettling to realise not once did she show an interest in anything I've had to say. I remember my first job and it was new and I had messed something up. Reached home terrified cuz I thought they'll fire me or something. That's how naive and serious I was about working. And I recall thinking maybe I should share it with her cuz I was so distressed. And she simply cut me off when I said two words and started telling me about her job and how people treated her badly for hours. Over the years this has become a defining memory for me cuz internally I was shaking and on the outer side my own mom wasn't even remotely bothered about what I had to say. Post that too, the very few times I say something in a conversation and she simply doesn't listen and I can tell she is just waiting for me to stop talking so she can continue on.  Idk if any of this is just her needing attention or it's a legit issue. It's so hard to tell esp with the kinda social structures we have had... Mothers tending to be jealous of their daughters of competing with them is such an age old thing. Idk. Now she seems mellow and I've also kinda given up so things are smooth but I'm not sure all those years that were spent just simply being invalidated really did a number on me. I'm glad most of it is out of the way, but something M said made me think too. About it being first relationship setting up wrong expectations and ideas. I think that's true. Your first relationship also teaches you a lot about yourself. I don't think I allowed myself to be in love with my first bf, even though we dated so long. There was always a part of me that simply wouldn't open up to anyone cuz they never won my trust. And luckily, in all these weird ways of growing up, the one thing I've realised is that my trust is only won through genuine care and that's a vvv good failsafe. It's why I trust only meg and maybe my brother fully and without any reservations. With everyone else I definitely have barriers, which will only lift if I sense genuineness. I'm so glad it's this way, means I have done atleast something right to be able to have unconscious defences. And luckily my headstrongness is always tempered by my practicality too, so I've never been a risk taker or atleast not a hot headed risktaker. Like my brother who likes fast cars and bikes etc. All those thrills are not for me. I need firm seatbelts and driving at reasonable speeds lol. I guess my only form of headstrongness now is an affinity to want to know many different types of people. When I get into the zone, I can't help but want to know them, understand them etc and I guess that is pretty benign as a trait cuz it's not harmful to either me or them, just makes for a good engaging conversation.