Lmaooo. Why was I so emo yesterday? Haha. Weird. Over something sooo small, but I guess those tiny things are all I seek and when I don't even get those then I feel emo lol. Note to self: You're a total child at times, P. But it's okay to let yourself feel things if you do, just don't make it anyone else's problem that's all. :) 

And it's okay to want something small like someone wishing you on occasions on their own, or them texting you first and all that, it's not the end of the world. Lots of people do a whole lot more for people they care about. Not unreasonable to expect just a bit of unprompted care here and there. You don't have to spend your entire life thinking you don't deserve it or that someone wouldn't do it for you. :) And sometimes people show care in diff ways too, may not know this is what you want cuz it might seem insignificant to a lot of them. But it isn't insignificant in that it means something to you. 

awwie now I wanna self hug lol. 

And deleting that post cuz I don't wanna see such an emotional thing I'm so embarrassed by it rn oof. Still, I'm really good at hiding strong emotions and keeping them to myself na? Noone ever really knows me, lifetime of practice just hiding how I feel. Maybe that's why I have so much empathy for his lil sibling, we both have never felt too safe opening up about how we feel I guess, and learnt not to show it too. Heh. Alrighty, tis what tis. 

Okay gotta snooze more then let's go get some food. I am SO HUNGRYYY

🙄

Bleh... You know. I don't ask for much but sometimes even I'd like it if someone was nice to me. Whatever. 

Lol. I just feel like it'd be nice if I was given some importance once in a while. Whatever idc. Imma just stop caring, caring is never an advantage is it? Sometimes I'm just so sick of being the only one that puts in effort. Atleast it seems like that to me from time to time. Maybe some holy day someone might think to actually make me feel like I'm important to them. One can hope.

Ugh. I'm just annoyed. Stupid drinks not helping this either.

Well, like you, I'll just say 'lol'. 

 I AM SO FUCKING DRUNK RN OMGGGGG

Lmaoooo. My bro and I have the same dumbass sense of humor 

Welcome

Aaaand we are here! ♥️

Idk why there's a sense of fear gripping me rn, but I hope it dissipates soon enough. Oh well, life wouldn't be fun without some sense of theatrics, huh? 

Awwie baby bro cycling in Sunnyvale and calling me. Okay fears abating. Lol. Love you lots my darling lil brother. ♥️

It's nice we have all transitioned from those god awful partying days lol. An old pic from came up on my photos today. Such stupid things we used to do. But still, those were fun times I suppose. I have no idea why I posed like this. 💀🙈 Was also wearing cat ears for this iirc, thankfully took em off.

Welcome 2024

Whew nighttime workouts for the WIN! 

Man, I feel so much better. 

I am looking forward to next year. Very nervous too, because it means I gotta really put in the work I need to for my goals, but I'm also excited to do it. Here's hoping I can push every day towards making life better and more loving and more rewarding. And hoping everyone I love has a fantastic year ahead as well. 

To better things and lots of love! What's meant for you, will always be yours! Time for a nice midnight drink. ♥️

Cheers! 

Awwie being nice to your lil baby sibling. Hahah nice. Soft sides are showing. ♥️

Hiding all the good stuff, now that's your thing huh. Interesting. 

Waking up with a horrid back ache and generally feeling low energy. Wtf is wrong? Feel so terrible today. 

 https://lichess.org/SuoyLo0O/white#56

Saving to check this opening later. Enjoying seeing Bortnyk tbh

Also, need to read latersss:

https://www.jstor.org/stable/495737

Shake shake

Man I'm so restless one day I don't work out and just feels like I can't stop shaking my leg lolol. Ugh. Like a lunatic if I go for a run now, the guards will think I'm a nutter. Should I? So tempted. 

Aaaaa idk what to doooo

Cycling + Rapid? Sounds like a plan

2023

Ending this year on a really good note. I'm glad. Started it with a lot of fears and optimism and a whole lot of hope in some sense and all of that transmuted along the way and now I'm at peace and happy and sort of... Hmmm... I'm okay being me. I like it, it's nice. Feels really liberating. Hope 2024 is the stuff of dreams, I'd like to have a kick-ass year ahead. 

And you know what... One thing I ammmm a bit annoyed by is my chess group a little bit. One of the mods really thinks I can't play huh. The highest rated is a measly 2100 online and the rest are all below but acting like some gods lmao. I really wanna get better just to stick it to them. Let's do this in 2024 for reals. It would be so fucking satisfying. Idk why that "in case you qualify for the semis " triggered me so much but fuck all of you lmao. 

World blitz

Watching world blitz on 30th Dec. How times have changed. I wish I'd picked up chess as a kidz truly. Would have been madly in love with this game from the get go then. It has literally everything. People who don't consider it a sport have zero idea how badly you can want to win and get everything right. It's always the ones who don't play who don't get it either. Love you chess. Never thought a board game will intrigue me this much but here we are. I don't have M's puritan stand on it, but hope a day comes by when I truly do understand why he has that, that would be sufficient progress. 

Boiler rooms

Going back to Thievery Corp and Bonobo today. Good bg music to work to, play to. I just wanna get lots done today, it's a sunny day after all. Let's goooo! 

Watching some random react videos by cinnamontoastken on to catch a predator. Ffs. Didn't know this show existed but dayum it's disturbing as hell. There are some insanely sick people in this world. Some of them are just in their 20s. How does your life get so fucked that you need to do this shit? I don't get it. Cuz some don't even seem like criminals by mindset, just total losers. It's underlined even more by Ken's total sweet, regular dad vibe. Man, parents must have it so rough at the thought of these fucked up creeps being out there. Okay forget forget ugh. Can't. 

Gatherings and Chatterings

Catching up with a bunch of friends and it doesn't feel as familiar as it used to earlier. I've become so much more solitary than I used to be. The weird thing I now notice though, is how much more people tend to gravitate and explain + share things to/with me now that I'm quieter with them. Lol, I seem like a receptive woman now, is it? I didn't showcase it on the outside but I was quite annoyed by it ngl. The more I've tried to give up on my habit of quipping and making direct jokes, the more I notice people get bolder with me which is a bit unreal cuz it's not like I can't go back to that. Sheesh. Never realised that humor was also a shield of sorts for me. Whatever, push me too much and I'll just anyway push back naturally. I've simply stopped caring about a lot of things too, especially ones that are non essential. It's given me a lot of leg room for other stuff thankfully. Didn't realise how much energy gets dissipated around people otherwise. Even now, I'm already kinda tired with the chatter and just want to leave. Lol, patience levels are dropping and how. Think I just prefer smaller groups with meaningful conversations not this generic stuff. Not my scene no mo. I like small cozy places where you can actually speak and engage rather than the louder ones anyway. 

Hmmm. Okay let me try to gtfo asap lol. I badly wanna go back homeeeee. 

Knuckling under

All this cycling makes me so hungryyyyy. Dayumm. I'm also avoiding Di's calls I'm such a wuss man. Why can't I just tell someone I'm busy even that is a hardship for me sheesh. Just making excuses and ducking. Pathetic. 

Meg asked me about P today, wanted to know if he has stopped being stalkery. I honestly have no words, but I think it is sad to be an NPC in someone's life. But the way he violated my trust is something that I don't think I'll ever forgive anymore. 

No words - Kirsan Ilyumzhinov

Ilyumzhinov called his autobiography, published in 1998, “The President’s Crown of Thorns.’’ (Chapter titles include “Without Me the People Are Incomplete,” “I Become a Millionaire,’’ and “It Only Takes Two Weeks to Have a Man Killed.”)

Oh my. Just. What the fuck. 

~

Ilyumzhinov decided to rebuild every one. And more. “Thirteen years ago, when they elected me, there wasn’t a single Buddhist temple in Kalmykia,’’ he said as we sat in his office, staring out at the recently completed Golden Temple. Construction took six months, and it opened on December 27th, in time to commemorate the anniversary of the day that Stalin deported the Kalmyks. Ilyumzhinov had hoped to have Chuck Norris (who had been there before) and several celebrity Buddhists on hand—he had mentioned Steven Segal, Richard Gere, and Sharon Stone. None made it; but the Royal Nepalese Ambassador to the Russian Federation was there, as were representatives of Buddhist communities from Tuva, Mongolia, and Tibet, and the special representative of the Dalai Lama (who had visited in 2004 and consecrated the site). “In thirteen years, we’ve built thirty-eight Buddhist temples—thirty-eight!We’ve built twenty-two Orthodox churches. We built a Polish Catholic cathedral and a mosque. And I want to emphasize this: it wasn’t Russia that built it; it wasn’t Moscow that built it, not the investors, not the sponsors. It was all built with my own personal money, and given to the people.’’ 

How utterly interesting is this dayum. So many parallels to other developing countries, it's like such a standard schtick to make places of worship to appease a population that's getting duped otherwise. 

This guy's life is equal parts repulsive and fascinating to me. 

~

I walked through the museum, which has keepsakes from many of history’s most famous matches, including the 1996 bout between Gata Kamsky and Anatoly Karpov, which Ilyumzhinov, after negotiations with Saddam Hussein, had scheduled for Baghdad.

Was just seeing the Ali Gata game a while back and now read this. Fuck dude. So crazy fascinating and steeped in history of the world this game is, especially the Russian history. This is so damn nuts. And I'm seeing it on an internet board today while the article talks of a time when this place didn't have proper electricity or roads. Oh man my brain no comprende. Times, how they change.

~

 “Even a dickhead would do a better job than Ilyumzhinov,’’ Anatoly Karpov, the former world champion, said recently, when he was asked whom he supported.

It's 3 am and I've been reading about him for hours, and I think this is a good note as any to bring this deep dive into Ilyumzhinov to a close. 

Cheers! 

Aaaand this exists:  https://kirsan.today/en/

Nope, no words. 

GucciReza FTW

Hell yeah, Go Alireza!!! Just so good to see someone want something bad and go after it no crying and whining but just straight up going for the kill. Let's goooo.  Love to see this! 

🤷‍♀️

Does it say something about me that I fangirl Kierkegaard? Lmao

+ 3edgy5u is the perf description for Nietzsche, always knew I hated him

Must Sleep

Everytime you say 'must sleep' I start to laugh because I can't help spamming you more even though I know you are exhausted asf. I love your gruffness so much idk you are like a teddy I want to squish at times. So fucking fond of you yo. Just sooo much! 

Cheese?

Reading about the intersection of politics and chess. I've always known how deep the connect goes, but I never appreciated how absolutely vile it can be. I get why chess is seen as a feather in someone's cap. Esp countries that have a history of hardship always look for soft power at the world stage cuz for some reason intellect is tied to superiority in their mind and all too many people look at chess as intellectual superiority. But to read that Iluumzhinov was playing it with Gaddafi and Hussain like what even man?! Fuck. Sometimes I just hate the world. I hate it. Every part of my being wants to vomit when I realise how fucked up things can be and especially to go up the ladder the amount of shady things people end up doing. Maybe that's why I've never had any attachment for money in that sense nor have I defined success with getting to some top business position or such. And I've always hated goverment work. Mentioned to M that anna was an MLA lol. It's something I don't openly share. Anyway it was long back he had retired by the time I was born even. But still, I remember mum telling me so many stories about how people would just flock to him for favours and such. I'm sure he wasn't too good a politician though, considering he never made money the way the rest of them do. Lmao. The price of honesty is a modest income oops. But yeah, whenever I've seen people running after money and power, a part of me recoils because they are so ready to do the dirtiest of things. I'm truly lucky to be able to break away from everyone and be able to live my life my way. It was such a struggle as a kid to be able to define my own path, given how controlling my parenting was. But atleast I wasn't forced into something I hated. I understand something of the disillusionment that M might feel with his professional environment too. If consistently you are around such toxicity, there would never be a way to feel at peace. Even if you don't engage, someone engages with you and pushes you into a corner. I've met people like that so much and in my own way I've lived large parts of my life feeling like I have to defend myself at all times. So I get it. Plus in his line of work the only other option is to quit it altogether and do something else entirely which would be such a sad thing to do when you dedicate your life to it from when you were a child. Truly horrible. Oh well, it's okay he doesn't have to deal now as much so it's good for him. May he continue to carve his own niche. I'm a strong proponent of technology and finding solutions and I truly believe in this day and age you can always find a way to assert dominance in your own way and have a larger say over your life simply cuz that direct reach possibility exists. 

And I'm glad. I think even in chess there can be deep reforms and you don't actually need these dated orgs to do shit. But yeah, someone ambitious actually needs to take that charge and lead it the right way. I don't think most folks have that intuitive understanding of marketing + selling which is a huge difference maker when it comes to creating a valuable asset that hinges on visibility. And if all you do is cry on Twitter then nothing will get done either. Even chess com just has monopoly but it seems v flimsy to me. A good rival product can very easily eat them up if they play their cards right. Okay too many tangential thoughts lemme go back to the matches. 

Pasta

Someone typed Fabiano Carbonara and idk why I find it so funny. 💀

Santa Muerte

Found some v nice art, love the vividness. Why tf does something as woo woo as Tarot have such pretty artistry in it? The more I look up cards, the more I find some vv imaginative themes and designs and yet they serve some random purpose lol. This world continues to flummox me. 
 

ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ

Expressions like a petulant child always hahahahha omggg I just love how angsty you are even while pretending to snooze! Makes me laugh lots 

Sugar Rush

Omg I ate too much food. Ate something sweet after soooo long but now I feel like I'm going to low key puke. Lol. Never gonna understand anyone with a sweet tooth. How can y'all like sugary stuff? 

Saw some clip of KK welling up talking about her husband that too was vv sweet and is now adding to my nausea. 

In all fairness to her, I used to think saying things like my husband is my world etc is a cringe thing to say and feel but I recant all of it cuz I'll most likely be exactly like that down the line. Now how's that for overtly sweet?

Omg imma get a nice afternoon nap today like a cat snoozing in the sun. Feel like Garfield NGL. 

Gnite world! Wake me up when the sun goes down!

Asturias

Checking out Albeniz and my god I love Asturias so damn much. That Spanish influence is something else. 

Asturias

The Orchestral version is also so damn urgent and good and beckons like crazy. I'm pretty sure some bits of this song have been sampled in some of the animes I've liked over the years too. Ugh, some bits are legit like a half remembered memory I just can't place it but I know I've heard it before. 

Asturias - Orchestra

Man, flamenco is quite possibly my fav dance form, just the tempestuousness of it sparks a fire. And Asturias is the perfect song to dance to. Very rarely do I feel like a song captures all the emotions of immersion and idek what to define it as but it feels like if you were to dance to it, the world will completely dissolve around it. What an absolute delight. 

Bonus track: 

Thylacine - Asturias

Thylacine is fast becoming an artist to check out for me. 

Comfort

Yaaasss! Finally hair is growing outtt and I don't look like a weirdo!! Also, why do I feel so alive and well only in the evening?! Sheesh. Hehe, maybe cuz it's just nice to lounge around in just an old t shirt at night and I like that the best. No pressure of dressing up or giving a shit about being 'put together' and 'looking presentable' lol. Post pandemic, I've become quite good at being v selective about make up and getting dressed up, and I actually like it. There was a time where I definitely was a bit more into clothing etc but I think I've managed to strike a decent balance now. Plus it's so rare that people dress down and take pics and in general it's kinda hard to see anyone esp on social media that's not completely showing their best sides. I kinda wanna be able to be comfortable enough to not feel that kinda pressure even subconsciously so been keeping it as simple as I can for the last couple of years atleast.

Anyway, me - unvarnished, unadorned, unfiltered and also unsmiling for some reason. 

Naturlich ist gut. 

Chilling

Having such an enjoyable day... I love having so much free time during year end. Was lounging around and told M I feel so at ease with him too, been thinking about saying that for a while lol. My flight riskiness around him has lowered, and I think a large part of it is cuz he has also become v calm with me. It's nice, hope it stays. He also puts in lil, lil effort now that I spot which I like lots. It's funny that I say I used to be a flight risk, I think it's just cuz I value him which is ironic. Hmmm. Actually it's not the value part, I think it's more the part where I used to keep wanting to look for red flags so I don't get hurt. Too risk averse I've become, huh? But also a lot more stable compared to the beginning of the year or even till midway. Anyway, I'm glad. I think all the major stuff I had to deal with is more or less out of my system. Glad he didn't quit on me either. I love him for that, and I hope I make a positive  difference in his life too. ♥️

Just discovered Croquants. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?! Omg so damn tasty! 

World Rapid

Mamedyarov V Holt

 

Really loved this game from World Rapid so crazy

🥐

Some days I just want to be all active and others I feel like zomg avoid avoid avoid. The spectrum I live in. 

Today feel like I just wanna go to the lake and read under the sun and then get some coffee and croissant with Stonu later on. Been agggees since I saw her. Who do I love more? Coffee, croissant or stonu? Idk. Hehe. I'll tell her that. Let's gooo! 

Gave up on every task I had to do before sleeping tonight and sitting around reading Calvin and Hobbes. I HAVE NO REGRETS

Just love this comic strip so much. Idk how Watterson was so damn witty, creative, and simple all at the same time. I am such a sucker for these. Or maybe I'm a simpleton who hates complexity. Oopsies. 

Dilbert is a distant second maybe or idk Asterix. Come to think of it, I used to own some book set of them all. And some of the Batman series too..I can swear I had a copy of the killing joke too for sure....omg where are half my books, who took them? Fuck. 

Okay I'm not rummaging around for them in the middle of the night. 💀 BUT I HAVE TO FIND THEM. 

King of the Castle

Oi oi oi, Dave Matthews... You do so many things to me. How can anyyyyone not like you? 

I come intoooooooooooooooo you

Damn, I just can't stop smiling 😅♥️ 

~

💀

Watching some movie on new age dating brooo this stuff is too damn crazy for me. Lmao. Everyone just fucking up all the time. I'm wayyyyyy tooooo old school for any of this. And this tinder gang ffs. Just banishing loneliness I guess, idk. So many ways to fuck your own mental health up these days tbh. Learning to be okay with yourself truly is a super power. You can't maintain balance if other people are the only ones that give you that balance. But anyway, I'm glad I don't have to deal with any of this, it all just feels kinda fake and pointless. I think the rise of therapy is kinda proportional to this tbh. People can be such dicks to each other, seriously. 

Hehe, I just like old school, old world folks who like to work and chill and have fun but not let life get complicated. Give me random nonsense problems anyday, but never in my life am I drowning in these insecure shitty moments... It's so not worth it. As much as I enjoy flights of fancy and merriment, I think I'm naturally drawn to grounded people at the end of the day. I need that sense of stability and routine in my equations where I know continuity is assured and people won't suddenly forget me or cause random upheavals. I fucking hate that shit. 

I think what people tend to forget and lose sight of - is that not only does it take effort to cultivate love and happiness, but it takes time to build trust in another person, knowing that they'll care about you when most others won't. There's vvv few people in this world who would have your best interests at heart, and be your anchor as well as your cheerleaders, and it's important to be able to carry them forward. I'm glad I have few such people in my life, and in fact at every point I've been lucky enough to have folks to fall back on... It's what kept me sane and grounded, what continues to keep me that way. Otherwise it's all too easy to lose sight of what's important and then just float. This is why I don't respect cheaters and folks who in general backstab, they are always the ones left holding a bag of shit eventually. Not a single person who made life hell for others is someone I see as happy today, and it's more or less of their own making. I guess a little bit of discontent is always to be expected, but by and large you should be able to lead a happy existence and that doesn't come by on its own but is a by product of choosing the right path. Took me soooo long to understand these fundamentals. But I'm glad I do now. 

Okay you must have insane stamina cuz I'm tired just following the games lol. Damn this job is tough! It seems so tiring to me. Day in and day out. And howww do you know all those songs like. So many random feathers in your hat lmao. 

Exes

Lmao dialing exes. Was never tempting, 5 mins in heaven isn't a prize I seek huh? Hehe, okay mean but true lmao. Fuck dude, the shit I compromised on and the number of times I faked it, and had to adhere to a schedule no less. 🤣💀. And got fucked over to boot. Wonderful. 

NEVER AGAIN! 

Istg I was way too polite for my own good and for TOO DAMN LONG! 

Would I want to bang any of them now? Nah, zero temptation there. Suck it, guys! 🖕🏼

Wonder what your exes are like though, bet you have loads more experience than I do. Dayum. You must be phenom in bed though, of that I'm sure. Heh, you in love would be a sight to behold. Bet you'd go all in, literally and figuratively. Funny. You know how to carve a niche for yourself in another person, but I wonder how it is when someone carves one in you. Do you get scared? Meh, hope not. The right kinda love will bring out the best in you too. And the best, as always, is yet to come! Cheers! 😶

Do or Do not

Okay I have 4 days so imma either be 1900 rapid by the end of them or 1600 idc let's fucking doooo it!!! Muhahaha! 💪🏼😶🖕🏼

Dance

Hey look! 

Someone injected a bit of sweetness in Satie. I wonder how. 

Thylacine - Satie

It's always surprising to me that he meant for Gymnopedie and Gnossiene, in particular to be happy pieces. I believe Gnossiene even means dancy or something and yet it's one of the most melancholy tracks I've heard lol. Weirdo Satie.

50 km let's gooooooo!! Omgomgomg I wanna do a proper 100km trip in Jan maybe. Fuck thatll be so good. Maybe for my bday!! I can deffo manage it I think. Aaaaaaaaa so pumpeddds

Merry merry merry

Christmas Eve is almost here, and the one thing I'm thankful for is literally everyone I know lol.  I don't want any wish to be fulfilled because in this moment in time I feel like I have all I need.  :)

I'm happy, and I love every last one of the dodos in my life. Truly and completely ♥️ 

All my friends, the family I used to struggle with, my inner resilience which helps me be who I am and every moment, situation, doggie meme, every little thing that comes my way and helps me affirm myself and do my best for them, I'm just so uber grateful for it all. And all the musicians in the world who create melodies that made my life bearable when nothing else seemed to go right, all those nights I struggled and cried and never quit, the fears whose strength made me realise how strong I can be, even chance encounters with people like Thibault who listen to the exact same stuff I do while trying to save the world, I'm so glad I have people I can love, admire, look up to, help out and share lots of laughs with at the end of the day. And a special bigtime mention to M - your presence has been such a game changer, you evoked so many of my fears unknowingly, and yet that very fact makes you so significant because the lens you gave me helped me heal myself. That's the selfish reason that I never quit on you. And there is an unselfish one too - which is much nicer. In you I glimpse a person that's not only worthy of loving, but also someone that's simple, whose insecurities I can intuitively understand and feel the need to protect, whose mind I respect, and whose heart I kinda cherish. I've never needed you to show me the best of you, it's the other parts that I actually give a shit about, and if someday you understand that, you'll begin to genuinely trust me. But these are things that are only understood once experienced, and life has this beautiful, entertaining way of allowing every one of us to understand stuff about ourselves through others, slowly, painfully, sometimes joyfully. I love that the path isn't simple nor is it rosy cuz that just means it's real and I value that. 

And well, we will see what turns and twists and plots come our way eventually, but at this moment in time I'm grateful, happy and looking forward to squeezing every bit of experience life has to offer. ♥️

Roll Back plays as I type all this, set and setting. 

Paris

One looks higher than the other and when you notice it, it's all you can see. 💀

~

There's something  v nice about making nudes. Someday imma get a guy to be my muse too. Until then, I'll be a self sufficient woman. 

 

~

Song: Lover

Hey, hey love!

Wanna explore wonderland with me?

~

I've v rarely had a slut phase, or let myself go down the rabbit hole myself. I've always known how enticing it can be, and that was the very reason I avoided it. That one time I did, it was filled with so much seduction, power plays, getting high, getting toxic, getting crazy and I knew right then how alive you can feel in that one moment you feel like you possess every inch of someone's being, or if they possess yours. And yet, I always held back eventually, knowing I don't want to drown in a black hole and that was always the right call. 

But damn, I do wonder if I could trust someone fully, and allow them to strip that good girl in me. A fruit that's forbidden, I always tend to imagine it as sweet.

Kinda like this song... Never Ending. 

Jealousy as a bad quality yeah. 💯 

But there are so many others, much worse ones too. Like the stuff jealousy compels you to do

And sometimes you are jealous because you wish to protect something you cherish. It's the only times in my life I've felt jealousy maybe. I've never had insecurity about material things or my own intellect or any worldly stuff. But when it comes to love, yes. It's not rational, and I hate it and I distance myself from it the minute I spot it in me. But I know it's ugly existence and I can't imagine people who live that way day in and day out. 

Read a tweet by Bartholomew about Alireza saying he feels bad for the kid. Finally! Glad someone in the chess world understands that it isn't just him but an entire country and team of folks that must be making him do this. It's just crazy how harsh people are to the kid, the amount of vitriol I've seen spewed and all these adults just taking shots at him a dime a dozen. Literally all the qualifiers are saying shit can not a single one of them have a more balanced understanding? Pathetic man. Good on Bartholomew for sticking up for him, respect. 

Saw some reel of M's friend B, he genuinely seems like such a grounded, family guy. Great attitude, seems really happy and loving towards his fam too. Very nice. Some of this stuff is so heartwarming esp the ease of affection I see in his vids towards his wife and kids. Feels great. I love those nice busy households which are sometimes chaotic but everyone is genuine and caring towards each other. I said hello to M too, like I guess I'm not tanking a friendship over hearing sounds. 😅 All the right kinda folks seem to like him, me included lol. Just please don't let this be the wrong decision, and I hope going forward there's more transparency between us, honestly. He has to have enough discernment to know me well enough by now, no way he isn't smart enough to figure that. I hate these random hiccups. Glad I'm not having knee jerk reactions though. Earlier I would have just wanted to bolt lol. Sure he would hate it if he knew too. I want to be able to share this stuff with him honestly but idk what stops me, guess I need him to cultivate that environment where you can talk without being judged or misunderstood. And sometimes I hate how he is surrounded by such weirdos too, living perpetually in that kinda environment can't be good for trust issues. The vid the other day really freaked me out, just witnessing people saying those things to that woman, especially those awful lines where that dude was telling her to shut her cocksucker like what even?! And some quip about seeing her nipples when she bent down. How tf can you allow yourself to say that to someone? Idgaf if she is batshit crazy, doesn't mean you get to say all this to someone in front of a bunch of other lecherous folks. Yuck. Puke. And to think there was a time when I thought this dude was okay just reckless. Idk man, people can be so awful when they think the stakes are low. Part of why I feel so paranoid too sometimes is cuz my own discernment of folks is so flawed I almost never write anyone off and just assume they are nice from the get go so it gets hard for me to recognise the signs that most other folks would instantly take as red flags. Ugh. And living with sooo much paranoia would eventually be an impediment, right? Like people can have your back, and do right by you. Sometimes I wonder if even he has ever believed that about someone. 

Oh well, gonna have to trust I'll learn eventually I guess. And I hope he does too, cuz the world isn't all bad and not everyone is a piece of shit. None of the people I know currently are, they are all high value folks. Ambitious, intelligent but also grounded and stable. Just gotta keep the good ones around and fuck the rest of it who cares. 

A bright sunny day after a long time. Let's go for a nice run in the park in the evening and get some fresh air. And then bake a cake for Christmas lol. Do something fun for a bit :) Noticing now that all this cycling is changing my body comp a bit. Getting an ass which I didn't have before. Lmao. Dunno what to feel about it. Legs are also stronger and more defined. That bit I like, I have like no upper body strength so it feels nice

Reading some article on first principles value questions lol. How pathetic that they took a concept in physics and just turned it into a marketing slogan. Gotta hand it to musk, for all his flaws, the man is very good at marketing. All these ceos seem to be, very good with words and playing their mindless followers with glimpses of alleged superiority. People just love feeling like they are intellectual giants when all they are doing is being sheep. Twitter is such a shithole fuck. And yet it's an easy news outlet but my god the number of people on there just being snarky with the air of superiority is unreal. How do you all get to that level of ego and childishness just too fucking dumb and crazy. 

Talk

~ 

I like simplicity in depiction most times, should be just enough to tease. 

Ps - If you stick your fingers in my mouth, I'll let you kiss me as I moan. Promise. 

Andrei Bolkonsky is the single most annoying twat of a character in War and Peace thus far I hate him lots. And his annoying sister Maria Bolkonskaya too although she is a bit more tolerable than this self absorbed ass. 

Gah! Every fucking passage about him makes me want to throw something at him. 

Lmao. Watched Rick and Morty and it was about fears and Morty figures his fear is that Rick would never once say " I'm not leaving without you, you're irreplaceable" to him in real life. Lmaoooo. A cartoon paraphrased my own fear what a joke. 

But yeah, I used to be afraid that the minute I care, it would leave me vulnerable and someone could exploit that fact to extract what they want out of me. And treat me with coldness and indifference just like Rick seems to be to everyone. Loving someone is such a state of permanence for me that it was scary to entertain the idea of not being loved in return. All thanks to my parents for having bestowed this wonderful inherited fear cuz they couldn't figure their shit out. And I legit love you father but I hate your indifference, your tendency to run away from problems, and your inability to show any form of affection the way someone needs it. But the one thing I'm determined to do is to not allow this to be my reality ever. The sad part of this is how I ended up allowing so many people in my life who behaved like you cuz that's all I thought I deserved. To ask for nothing ever, and be okay with recieving nothing. With some people I even felt like if I don't keep in contact, they won't even say hi to me. And these were folks close to me. Sheesh. Never ever, ever again. 

I finally figured the solution is to wait until people do show you care from their own side unprompted and make an effort that makes you feel at ease, and then allow care to develop from your side mutually. Something that might be obvious to a lot of people but took me half my life to figure. And surprisingly, it's not hard and plenty of folks do make that effort as well, so wait for them. Where I used to go wrong earlier was to not wait for that to be shown, but I will from now. And it'll be really nice, I'm sure. I want to feel safe to love, then I can love lots and lots! 

Lol, this makes me laugh though. Fucking cartoon flipping me off inadvertently. 

Still, suck it RnM. 🖕🏼

Oh boy. Lately I feel like I've stopped looking forward to stuff. There's this resistance in my mind about a lot of things now which used to not be there. I've stopped getting mad also, it's like a fatigue has just set in. I wonder why that is. Guess I need to take everything step by step. Probably the same as needing more warm up time before workouts. 

Yeah. I want to be cheerful and look forward to stuff that's actually something I want and I guess I need to align life in a way where that possibility is maximised. 

Anyway, it's fine. I'll figure it out. I'll try not to tank a good friendship over this either. Hopefully that's the right call. Let's see, time will tell. 

Movies

Watched About Elly. The entire movie makes me sick. Everything about it, the claustrophobia that I felt during was unreal man. I cannot believe people have to live their lives out this way. It's just awful. I really really respect that a man directed this movie though. What a genuinely empathetic person he must be to be able to capture it all. 

I think it's time I started focusing on my own future. Need to figure what I want and try to make that happen. And guard my heart and my time too. And let's do this with a smile :)

Okay that was fun, did 40 km. I love that point where my body gets heated up fully and everything seems to be in flow. These days it takes a bit longer to warm up that much. But it's smooth sailing after. Makes such a big difference in my mindset too tbh. I don't feel as mopey lol. 

Well, I guess I just have to keep my head down and hope to feel better soon. I don't want to feel anything anymore, just want to keep myself busy as I can be. I'm not gonna think about it. 

I wonder how many days I can cycle like this though. Can't afford to have a repeat of that stupid running mileage increase that wrecked my ankle and set me back months. Okay temperance, please. Take it a day at a time.

 Eff it, I'll do 50km today. Banish everything.

I feel kinda shitty. Woke up so late too. Hmmm. I want to watch a movie maybe. Just saw some clip of a kid playing on a beach and someone picked them up and the kid just started screaming. Made me laugh. They have so much freedom to just instinctively screech if they want lol. Don't care a fuck just go with their feelings. Nice amount of joy in that. I don't think I've ever felt free enough to just throw a fit. My brother used to, his temper tantrums were legend. 

:( :(

 Ugh. Still awake 😞

Meh. I'm just tired and I'm gonna go to bed. No point thinking about anything. But wow I'm so not able to shake off the feeling of being a complete idiot. Lol. I feel strange. And so disappointed. It's been forever and I just. Idk it's just weird that you never said anything even once. I'm just tired. And I don't think I'm so horrible that I don't deserve to have any honesty or openness. And there I go, thinking is it me that's the problem and words like horrible come to my mind lmao. I'm not. 

Lol, this realisation makes me sad. :(

Oh my... Do you live with someone? Oh wow I didn't think of that. Lmao. I really should have.

So much for vicariousness. Lol. Everyone just pretends huh. Okay. And I am a fool. Well, that makes me laugh atleast. Lol

Cycling

Did an hour of cycling @22MPH. My legs are going to cry tomo but my god was it fun. Fuck I need to start doing yoga my body is so stiff otherwise. Fuuuck but it was so funnnnnn loved ittttt. 

Wish I'd just done 50 kms fully but at that pace didn't seem like a good idea lmao dunno what I'll end up injuring otherwise. Omgomgomg I wanna do 50 maybe this weekend though. Wooohoo

Sockssss

Year ending is so nice not much to do but just chill. Spending time just reading news and bs and keeping warm even though it's not that cold during the day but I like being cosy lol. I need some nice new socks!! 

Omg. Socks are my fav clothing items just absolutely wonderful tiny hugs for your feet

Waking up in the cold brrrrr. It's so COLDDDD. Dad sent a new blanket and it feels so good lol. I love these random but welcome surprises hahahha

Plus I woke up from a strange but sweet dream where Charles Leclerc was randomly joking around with me and then helped me clean up my place cuz some random guests had left it all messy and gone away. Lmaoooo. Man, ngl he was so nice to me in my dream I finally like him hahahhahah. And him with a broom just helping to clean what a sweet gesture idk why tf did I even dream of this lolol

Ohhh. Pleasantness! 

I wonder when I made the transition from being a total rationalist to a completely emotional person. Will this make me lose my edge? AM I SOFT NOW?

Quotes

" And the conversation again turned on the war, on Bonaparte, andthe generals and statesmen of the day. The old prince seemed convinced not only that all the men of the day were mere babies who did not know the A B C of war or of politics, and that Bonaparte was an insignificant little Frenchy, successful only because there were no longer any Potemkins or Suvorovs left to oppose him; but he was also convinced that there were no political difficulties in Europe and no real war, but only a sort of puppet show at which the men of the day were playing, pretending to do something real. Prince Andrew gaily bore with his father's ridicule of the new men, and drew him on and listened to him with evident pleasure. "

Insignificant little Frenchy 💀💀💀💀😭😭😭😭

"Buonaparte was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. He has got splendid soldiers. Besides he began by attacking Germans. And only idlers have failed to beat the Germans. Since the world began everybody has beaten the Germans. They beat no one- except one another. He made his reputation fighting them."

This took me out ngl. 😶

Sometimes Tolstoy can be the funniest guy in the room. 

Transparency

I know I shouldn't read into it. But there are moments where I'm just like... Not sus but idk. Just feel like I don't have any clarity and that's by design. 

Oh well. 

Whatever. Blah. At the end of the day you have to decide to start being more transparent directly cuz I can't spend my life forever holding space for someone who deliberately keeps me in the dark. Or allow myself to sit and wonder all this like these should not be things that occur to me and if this kinda thought creeps in, it's only cuz I've been perpetually staring at a blank which in the end isn't really a nice thing to do to me. 

Ugh. Whateverrrr chuck it. I'm not gonna think about this again. I'm never gonna question anything, I hate being that person and I'm not allowing myself to go there. 

Someday I also want to find what I'm looking for and have it be every bit worth it and whoever it is, I don't want to be kept in the dark or have to question anything ever again. I don't care if the truth is ugly, but I'd rather know than not know.  Transparency shouldn't be the last option anyway, I've always tried to be so from my side even when I know it might be annoying, I still do it cuz I don't like hiding stuff. So I always share even the smallest, stupidest thing cuz I want to be upfront. 🤷‍♀️ Finding quality isn't easy so I am not frivolous with it when I do. Getting older has taught me that lesson. Verify, but also value and showcase that value so people feel at ease with you. And also make sure you are valued. I'll stick to that forever. I really wish you would also allow me that respect. If two people care about each other, they should not have a moment of doubt or be skeptical of each other. And neither of us should spend forever waiting, what would be the point in that? 

Hmmm. I guess I feel all this just cuz I like you enough to want to actually know you properly not just have to put bits and pieces together nor should I have to tbh. And you shouldn't have to fly blind with me either. Idk what else to say.

Anyway,

Let's go runnnn! 

If Elon Musk went to jail, what would he be called?

Felon Musk 💀

~

I'll see myself out

Early mornings

Something about waking up early morning feels so nice too sometimes. I like waking up earlier than I need to so I can just lie around in bed and read some news, check email and such. Feels peaceful and a bit meditative too in a sense. Just general curiosity, laugh to myself about some bs I read, make a list of things to do and how much time I need to do it etc. Organizing stuff feels good in itself. Glad calmness has returned to my life :) imma while away a bit more time then get up! Oo and I can play a long game with coffee get it out of the way too. Nice let's see if mornings are better than evenings although I doubt it.

Hegel

Revisiting Phenomenology of Geist and the thing I can't help but wonder about all of these philosophers is if their stance would change had they learnt math? Esp in an approach that's attempting to be as logic driven as Hegel's I feel like him not understanding scientific proofs is a huuuuge impediment and yet I don't know his writings well enough to know exactly what may or may not be different. Plus the entire concept of Geist as a hypothesis also has its corollary in the eastern philosophies wrt consciousness and they are also all postulates in the strictest terms. Essentially he is hypothesizing Geist as Maya in a sense, except his approach is to eliminate all the suppositions and see what's left and that's how he derives the idea of Geist. 

Everything is quite a mess in my head about this, too disjointed. I think I'll find some lecture series and use it as a podcast to listen to. Kinda easier to absorb on the go. But I have a strong feeling that at the intersection of math, consciousness and faith, there will be some profound axiom to be formed. Wish there was an interdisciplinary team of people who could propose and refute suppositions until they come to some base truth. And I wish I could be a fly on the wall on such a panel. 

But I guess the world is too busy scrolling memes to do this. Pity.

Dommied

I have a toxic relationship with chess hehe. When he explains it I love it. When I play it I sometimes hate it. And I simply can't quit it. 

But my god the few moments in between of just pure beauty make me chase that high like a total addict. 

Early morning runs and the world rights itself. 

Yum. And bought me some strawberries for breakfast. 

~

Found a nice song from that lady's vids too lol. I don't know you or what your circumstances are, but I'm sorry those guys were so mean to you, you don't deserve to have people talk to you in that sexually harassy way, no matter what. It was so wrong but the world is fucked and people don't get it. And so they laugh, on and on and on and on and on thinking they were oh so clever, oh so funny but it's neither of those things and it doesn't matter to anyone and the world turns and turns and turns and continues to suck. That's why I overuse the 'lol' too I guess. Easier. 

~

You said the Ocean's risiiiing.

Imma go do something mundane like shopping today, be a regular girlie for a bit. 

Let's goooooo! 

🙄

 “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”

A line I have hated since I read it and the entire fucking book when I read it too lol. I hate what it represents - the garbage mentality of not moving forward and glamourising laziness. I assume it's true for a lot of folks for sure. 

After seeing those vids today, it dawned upon me how choices make a person. All of us... You, me, those friends of yours... We all have reckless sides to us. In whatever form it can take for whoever, I don't know the exact nature of them for everyone... Anger, mindless sex, reckless driving, idk... Some or the other form of risk taking behaviour in some area of life. I can sense yours and I know it must have been a journey to tame whatever it is that needed taming. I've always kept mine under a tight leash as well. But those vids kinda showed me what it's like on the other side when people choose not to tame their demons but rather are just run by them... And the one thing I have utter contempt and disdain for is persistent lack of self control and choosing not to have guardrails. Pathetic, truly. 

~

Give me Ulysses any day over this shit

To strive, to seek, to find and NOT TO YIELD!   

PS- Fuck you Gatsby...what a waste of a life.

🖕🏼😌🖕🏼

Awwie I can't stop laughing just spamming M while he wants to sleep lolol. I just don't know why I'm like this around him I just get sooo chatty and keep saying something or the other lolol. Sooo fun! You make me feel like a total kid at times it's just nice I want to be like ooo it's time to play let's go let's go. Or like those labradors who will wag their tails and paw at you cuz they are so happy you are around hahahha. 

Hehe, I hope you don't mind ♥️

Played an entire rapid game without thinking even once should be a record for me. Just forced myself to play so the streak continues I don't want it to fall off but nothing about this game was enjoyable and not once did I calculate even one move. claps

Rituals

Turning into my nightly ritual lol. It's actually the first ever ritual I've adopted in my life hope it lasts. The warmth of the cup just cheers me up.

Hmm. M says some of these folks might be lonely. I didn't think of that. Kinda sad man. I don't like people being that way but yeah I don't wanna entangle myself in any of this either. Life's too short to invite strange shit :( 

It's so sad sometimes though, I can't help but feel a bit bad if they feel this way. 

Ugh. Anyway, not something I can help with, so gotta stay away. 

Reminds me of the time H had told me I'm a sucker for a sympathy scam and I think he was right. I do not have a correct lens to be accurate about human nature, most times I simply don't discern intent accurately or at all. 

Wow watching some vid and man, there's like layers to this twitch thing that I simply didn't know or understand. What in the fuck. The abusive vibes I got off from that one dude yuck repulsive. I think long back he was the one dude who had asked me if I was a girl too and I remember being annoyed at the way he had questioned. Tf is with these people. Think you need to be a girl like her to handle them honestly. 

Ewww I just feel... like... idk I was so fucking innocent man. Would people have thought of me this way? Or when I spoke to anyone would they think I'm like this too? Did M? Wow... I mean. I just don't know what to think. 

I genuinely feel vvv gross. All this is just trash dude. I can also never tell if people are this way from the get go idk why. Just default assume everyone is nice and I really shouldn't. Hmmm. Honestly can never tell what all anyone gets up to. 

Okay I want to go back into my blanket and forget this shit. Think I'm gonna take some time off the internet and people for a bit I am sick of it all. Finish some work and go to the lake for a run later

Well, they all just left and I kinda feel v out of sorts rn. Feels like I have to take a nice hot shower to wipe away the vestiges of this annoying evening and just get in bed with a nice cosy blanket and sleep it off.

Hmmm. I'm a lil bit sad rn. Need to cuddle something. :( 

Garbage

Hung out with one of M's friends today. Man, her life is so fucked I don't get it. She seems so exhausted and tired of the entire thing. Married this dude who does literally no work in the house, doesn't help with the baby, needs to be looked after constantly and has horrible in laws to boot. What in the fuck yo. 

Why do some women just feel this is all they deserve?! She even earns more than him and yet is used like a slave in her own house. By a gy who is such a dead weight like doesn't do anything and expects to be waited upon hand and foot. Won't even serve food to himself wants her to do it. Man, it's terrifying. Imagine having a baby with someone who treats you this way and the crazy amount you'll feel stuck in this situation. One of the worst, most abusive things I've seen in Indian households is how they just get so abusive towards pregnant women it's like they know you have to be careful so they'll just keep piling on work and meanness on you. 

Fuck man..so disturbing. Why tf would you willingly marry into a family like this and a guy like this yuuuuck. And what do you see in a partner that contributes nothing to your life?! Like zero contribution actually not even zero it's a net negative just straight up sucking out your life force from you...how are some guys raised like this man...what the fuuuuck.

I am legit terrified seeing this. I don't care about looks and money and all the rest of it but I'm never even going to settle down with someone who treats me like dirt like this. Fuck these social norms bc. Being alone is infinitely better than being with crazy, abusive fucks like this. Just be by yourself and do not have to let your life get ruined this fucking way. 

God, it's so so so so so important to be around supportive and loving people like you cannot allow for toxicity to enter your life these toxic turds are so incredibly entitled they'll ruin your happiness in the most cancerous way possible. 

I'm genuinely v disturbed by this I can't believe this is a reality for someone and they are struggling every day like this. And she says they have incredible fights too. Wtf. Just divorce him dude just do it. Why would you have a child with a dude like this aaaaaa. Damn man. I feel vvvv bad. :(

Some days I just feel like I'm so done with people yo. Really and truly like it hurts to even see some of this stuff. I'm literally witnessing someone live out my biggest fears in real time and it's every bit as awful as I had imagined them to be. 

Guys who can't take responsibility for their own kids are the biggest fucking turds in my books. Like honestly just have no redeeming quality to them fucking garbage leeches and parasites who belong to the fucking streets.

Fuck it, I'll just make cocktails and small talk with them and forget the rest idk what else to even do.

~

Edit: I can't yo... I just can't. With all this bs. This makes me appreciate the people who actually had kids and raised them by themselves like atleast took responsibility for their actions. Too many people out there are just complete and utter selfish fuckwads who never grow up. 

And frankly, in the long run... I'll never pick someone like this. Fuck, any dude who wants to be with me has to be not only stable and respectful but capable enough to take care of me and any family we have like this is so not even negotiable.  I'm happy to be single than ever allow my feelings to develop for people who don't earn that right. I'm pretty sure I bring all the right and good things to the table now and I don't ever want to low ball myself into wanting to settle for folks who don't make me feel happy and secure. Bare minimum is not good enough fuck that.

Lol, I can't even play chess now lol. So mindfucked. Just resigned a game for no reason. Fuck everything.

Musicality

Chatted with Thibault the other day, and talked a bit about music. It's surprising so me how down to earth the guy is, he asked for a reco for some Carnatic music cuz he was listening to a similar artist I hadn't heard of. Very purist vibe I get from the guy, but I didn't expect the niceness and the general openness to tell about his work etc. V cool man. Plus I love the reciprocity in general as a trait in people. I dislike it when someone is all about themselves and never actually includes you or your opinion in their life cuz they want to be superior. Met some insecure folks like that over my lifetime and can't say I care for it. And yet, with the actual accomplished ones... you think they will have this attitude to them and then they surprise you with not just humility but also how they don't talk down to you which I appreciate lots. This trait always sticks out to me tbh, when someone displays a genuine sense of interest in something and doesn't automatically assume you are a noob but actually discusses things as an equal lol. So many people have tried to explain things to me when I knew just as much or more than them like it wasn't the explanation that used to get to me it was outrageous that they'd talk about something v basic and explain it to me like they discovered gravity. Fuck. Was so irritating. Haha... a lifelong issue with being a girl I suppose. Glad to know not everyone has that issue and are secure enough in themselves to be respectful to others too.

Nice stuff... I think he and M will get along if they knew each other maybe. Might have a bit of an overlap in mindset although they do seem v different as people tbh. Haha yeah actually  one is a capitalist and the other is a commie lol. Interesting.

Imbalance

Sometimes I just get annoyed at some small things. 

Must be my anti-histamines making me feel crabby but life can't be one long wait for people to figure out how to be nice 🙄

Aaaaaaa

I think I need to go out for a bit just chill and get some air. Probably just annoyed for no reason 

Wintah wintah

Feeling a bit better than last night zomg what even was that horrible nauseating feeling. These days any medicine I take tends to knock me out too. So groggy rn

Time for sweaters and socks and boots though, my fav part of winter. Hehe. I miss dressing up in nice tights and dark brown boots and a cosy dress. Getting dolled up, quite literally 🤍

Ate pineapple by mistake and now my allergy is acting up and everything hurts. Wonderful. 💀

Edit: 3 am and I have to go to the hospital to get a shot. 💀💀💀 Fuck you pineapples 

Chandler Bing ♥️

Just read about his cause of death and man, I feel bad. Must have been awful to struggle the way he did every day against addiction. 

I loved you Chandler Bing, a person I related to and someone who never once failed to make me laugh. I know it was just a show but it was such a huge part of my childhood and something that always brought me love and comfort, does even today tbh. I always told my friends I related to you the most, and noone believed me cuz I'm v confident on the surface but inside of me there was always a person similar to you, with fears similar to yours. Just feels worse to know that the person playing him must have been struggling throughout. :(

Rip to one of my fav characters ever. May your soul find peace. 

Such a weird phenomenon I'm experiencing. Random bursts of wanting to work and wanting to while away time. I hate afternoons it's my most unproductive period. But come evenings post 6 pm and I'm raring to go. Ughhhyyy

Played a slow game that was epic fun omg. Loved it. The one quick move I made was awful missed taking a pawn lol. Fuck it though this was uber fun will play more of these.

Ugh but I don't want to get addicted to it otherwise I'll just start playing too many and that will defeat the purpose. 

There's just so much to even think about in these man... Rapid is too fast a time control 💀

Maybe I need to switch to classical.

~

Watching that ep of friends where Ross and Rachel are gonna have a baby. He is so nice to her that time. I never used to notice these cues earlier cuz didn't care about adulthood but now when I see these it just feels so sweet. My entire life I never once depended on someone so it was very hard to even think of these things but now it feels like having someone supportive is one of the best things in life. I kinda love the mix of friendship and love where you can be both relaxed and passionate. I think the friendship bit helps create loyalty and trust cuz only passion can get too out of hand if there isn't something to temper the possessiveness that creeps in at times. Atleast for me it does so having that friendliness kinda helps me feel relaxed. Maybe cuz I assume friends will stay but partners can leave/betray you? 💀💀💀 Oh fuck. That might be why. Dammit. Okay that's kinda sad in a way lol. I suppose that works for me cuz friends are imp to me. But for folks who don't care about their friends I'm not sure if this model works. Interesting. That wasn't a perspective I had considered before... 

Where does the time go?

 When your lamp hits flow state before you do 💀♥️

Aaand you find a colour that doesn't make you look sleep deprived asf. Idk why but I love these tints, v synthwave ish

Wisdomous me says:

There's nothing like modern Jazz and random lights to help you while away time

Believe you me.

Playlist for the night: Mammal Hands

 

Laughed so much my stomach hurts

Woohoo won another rapid game. 1810 now. I'm noticing that if you play the opening well it really makes the middle game v tactic driven and can really crush the opponent. Plus suddenly I've started playing slower which is cool. I wanna try and play from the opponent side as opposed to mine though I think that might help lots I seem to kinda think of my own moves more than I do theirs which is weird. Hmmm. Okay noted will try. Omgomgomg I love chess. I love these long games where you can actually think this is so gratifying. I have 15 days can I make it to 1900 rapid? 🥺

Kerala Dust

Oh Bravo!!

Now THIS is a vibe!! Ooof. Love it. 

Beats so fucking seductive ffs. I can so imagine having sex to this. Something about that damn croony deep voice just makes me tingle. 

Made me miss mate in one but I don't caaaare. 

Who was it that said the heart of the sun is a big black hole? I don't recall.

 

Vv few things I have read that have brought me joy at every age. C n H is one such thing. Never a dull moment and the humor is always on point. What an eternal gem! 

It dawns upon me why I found him intimidating. Hmmm. Interesting. Wonder if all that has changed or no yet. Probably has. It's kinda always tough to separate the parts that are my inner perceptions with someone's actual intent too at times. Was reading some post today about how someone was traumatised and her actions had root in fear and how her partner was patient with her forever until she overcame them. Some bits did resonate. I never really have used the term trauma ever but yeah, I think in some sense I was definitely very harmed by a lot of stuff and that led to a sense of unacknowledged vulnerabilities. Still, it's okay it's life. Gotta deal. I have a feeling he too has had his share of stuff to deal with, which he doesn't openly talk of but I do get a sense of it. Hmm. I want him to feel safe with me though, I hope he does. Sometimes it feels like he has tiny bursts of trust then just gets shy/paranoid about it and stops himself before he shares too much of himself. I hope in time he is able to be open, these things should be natural and people should never be rushed or made to do something they aren't comfortable with. That's one lesson I've learnt and I'm more than happy to give everyone all the time they need too. 

+ He is all grown up these days. Which in itself can also be intimidating in its own way but I really love it too. Feels like he is becoming a lot more steady and calm and that's something I find comforting. He isn't an easy going person mostly but he is so adorable at times like he would work 5+ hours then suddenly remember to play one song. Tiny, tiny ways he puts in effort. It's his way of being thoughtful I presume. Good thing I can spot them too, I probably spot a lot more than he thinks I do as well lol. I guess our ways of making an effort might be very different though. Idk. Remains to be seen. Meg had long back asked me what I like in him cuz she didn't think he made any effort for me back then. I didn't really have an answer then but being around him always made life feel kinda sweeter and it had been ages since I just felt comfortable and myself and I value that so much. And I was also in a space where I didn't want to be rushed or chase something I just wanted to be and relax and I guess all those things matter to me. I used to have this weird demand that the other person do the right thing all of the time and whenever they didn't, I'd interpret that as a lack of care. But I've come to realise it's such a burden to put on someone unasked. It's like I'm asking them to be perfect while I see myself as imperfect so that led to a lot of flawed perspectives. That's so wrong, I understand it now. And likewise I'm sure I must have been hasty in my perception of him in some areas too. I have always been a bit too keen in presuming the other person doesn't give a shit about me. Lol. I don't think that's true at all in this case though. And in his own way he has been patient and kind with me too. Hehe, sometimes impatient also but I guess he couldn't say anything outright so it just came out as temper but who cares all that is okay. Presuming the other person doesnt care can sometimes lead to you trying to test that theory and act out to get a response right? I don't think I did that, but my tendency to retreat and be silent can be interpreted as that maybe. Except in my head it was more like ok I've done a lot so I'll take a break and let me see if you reach out. And if you don't then that also affirms in my mind that you simply are cold towards me. Or telling me you are busy lol. God I hate that. But yeah, it may not be lack of care that makes someone act that way, could be multiple other things. Just sucks when your mind is only looking for negatives, should avoid that. I need to feel like I matter, it's important to me. And in healthy equations both people should be able to openly state that the other person matters to them I don't think that should be a question on either side or something that needs conflict to be tested out. It should just be stated outright, and with confidence, and happiness, and security. 💕

I don't mind being the primary one that cultivates safety and reliability in any of my equations tbh. Think I understand peoples' vulnerabilities enough to try and make a cozy cocoon for them to feel good and know they are loved. I like it when that's appreciated and in turn someone can bring in a sense of happiness and openness with me, it gives me a sense of groundedness when I know I'm trusted and relied upon I guess. Those are kinda my strengths. Not very glamourous I suppose, so it's not easy for most folks to spot or appreciate about me. Hehe, I view myself as an emotional construction worker of sorts I suppose. I'll steadily build and lay foundations and do the work and I like it when people who get the benefit of that bring in their own version of appreciation for it. 

Kinda like that tiger monk thing I found I feel like it can be used as a base to depict zen mode of sorts. Strength and restraint, both used as needed. Balanced in its essence. That's how I view life, it's not about controlling others it's about defining your own self. There was no sense of being on edge in that pic, that's what I loved about it. 

I'll try making it let me see if I can. Will be fun. I'll try tonight maybe. 

Crazy what a decent amount of sleep does for my mood now I'm all chipper woohoo

Woohooo! I'm above 1800 in all time controls!

Suck it, sleep! 💪🏼

Omgomgomg I wanna be 1900. Can I do it before year ends? That would be sooo nice! 

Ugh, I can deffo be 1600 before year ends 💀💀

GOALS!!

Hehe, I wanna tell M and say I'm just 1100 points behind him in bullet hahahahah. Oh man, the amount he would snark. He is just so damn cute when he just loses his mind and yells in an instant that sometimes I just can't help but want to poke the dragon. Awwwie. You always put a smile on my face, in the nicest way possible. 

I'm so happy rn I really want to trouble youuuuu. Okay but I won't. P - Behave! 

Ugh not even able to watch tennis my brain is too fried today. Weird. Fuck it I'll sleep. Tomo is another long day can whine then 🙄

Need to try waking up early and get stuff done asap. So much to do!

STILL AWAKEEEE 😭

 Losing so many games just not able to concentrate also. Fuck it, I'm done for the day

Think I've injured my leg again. It's so painful and my ankle is swollen :( oh man. I just hate this. 

I'm feeling a tiny bit depressed I think. Just again stuck in a funk of sorts. Sometimes it just feels like life is going by and I'm accomplishing nothing. 

Oh well, atleast I have Bach to listen to. I love his cello suites all of them. People seem to like the 1st but even the 6th is so nice I'm legit enjoying it. It's so overused in movies though. This is like Tom and Jerry all over again. 

Reading about Rafa not knowing how to play without pain. Damn man, must have a mind of steel to be able to keep going. And not only going but to want to win despite that. I feel like after a certain point, it's okay to relax and let things be natural. It is not normal to constantly be battling pain. I sent that article to M also. He is another one, will keep pushing and won't take a break. Ugh. Sometimes I just wanna make sure this emotional boy actually knows how to take care of himself, and it sucks that I can't just say that. 

I'd be sooo controlling about these tiny domestic type things lolol. Certain areas of life I just can't help myself. I'm quite nest-y-ish that way, need to make sure everyone is healthy and happy etc. He should also drink ginger and mint tea like me, that's also anti inflammatory and feels nice. How do I make him do it?💀

You know... Life would be a lot simpler if he just listened to me more I think. Hehe. I would totally love that. In general I think in certain things men should just give in and listen to women and not complain about it. 😬 100 percent of women will agree with me on this I'm vvvv sure.

Whew! Finally got some time to breathe today. I just have so much to do feeling completely overloaded. So tough to keep everything on track on days like these. Meh... I don't even feel like typing blah.

I don't even want to watch Pluto to unwind ugh. It's too heavy a show, makes me feel down. Too many themes of what it means to be human explored through it and eventually it just ends up getting hmmm. Well not dark but definitely quite sad. I don't like glooms. Should I go for a drive? Lol. I'm so indecisive today. I want to do ten things so basically only procrastinating and it's already 9 pm. So restless rnnnnnn

Edit: why am I feeling so weird and anxious again? Strange. Just so fidgety and strange idk why.

I've turned my ginger tea ritual into a ritual for me to feel calm now. Weird mental models. Anyways, stretched, took a hot shower and put on some nice lotion, atleast feels nice to tuck into bed all warm and nice smelling. One things guys will never understand is the joy of just taking your bra off and knowing you don't have to wear it again for hours lol. Wondering if I should play a long game before sleeping lmc. Silver linings nevertheless. 

♥️

Man he is trying so hard!! So proud of him yo. Genuinely. Can't be easy to balance work with all this. And it's not some cake walk, can't sprint up a mountain like that too. Awwwie. I didn't even have the heart to distract today with nonsense hehe. <3 Anyway, good stuff!

Oh god and I have to workout and I have no energy and so much work to do ugh. Well, time will pass anyway so gotta get it all done better now than later. Ffs. Okay PUSH!! 

Zomg I lost bigtime lmao. Fucking chess always tumbling like a house of cards 

I'm genuinely shocked that I never thought of ability to murder as a thing that makes you human wtf. It never once crossed my mind that it too can be a part of the turing's test and this possibility is so scary. 

Ugh but a lot of the stuff in Pluto is just so wrong to me idk. It's actually a v interesting premise but it's so all over the place. 

They just keep humanising all the random bots it doesn't make any sense. The concept of consciousness is simply non existent and that's the defining factor ugh. And the rest of it is actually great so I'm vvv conflicted lmao. 

Ok nvm, JUST A SHOW

Tots of Chess

I loved this game, this kid is damn good! So quick to see things on the board. Couple of games he played around this game too were great can see them all later 

https://lichess.org/CgiTQrQN/white

Mindsets

Hmm. I was thinking about what I find intimidating in people and I think I have an answer. I think with a lot of folks in my life who I've always had a conflict ridden equation with, I'd learnt to keep my guard up and protect my inner self from them. And now that I'm trying to ensure I don't have to hide my vulnerabilities and be my natural self, when I sense someone is in their own tough zone, I tend to get wary out of instinct and get my shields up. Which isn't the way I want to be around people I'm close to, so that toughness sometimes makes me a little on edge I suppose. Not cuz it's directed at me or anything but just when I sense it, I am aware of it cuz I've learnt to be. 

Fuck dude. I don't think I have ever truly acknowledged how much of my life I have spent being on edge and trying to protect myself from people who should have been the ones I trust and feel comfortable around. To a point where literally hiding every little feeling became a way of life and accomodating more such people became a habit that was super hard to break. Awwie. It's okay, it won't happen any more. And if it does, I'll make sure to communicate it and tackle it sensibly. No worries. 

Mindsets play a big role in all of this for me. Knowing "you got this" and actually believing that helps change a lot of what used to seem like a shut avenue. Usually any task I undertake too, unless there was that voice inside that clearly stated yes you can, it was completely futile cuz no matter the attempts I would just sabotage it as a self fulfilling prophecy. The final victory in life always has to be over your own self and never over anyone else. Everything else changes accordingly. Things and people don't have power over you, your interpretation and perception of them wrt yourself does. I believe in this. 

Watching Pluto on Netflix rn. Years ago, I wrote a short story on the exact same premise and the exact same idea of what makes an AI pass the turing's test for reals. And it's a testament to the fundamental difference between how men think v how women think or atleast me as a woman thinks that for the series the litmus test was ability to commit murder and for me it was empathy. Lmao. I just can't help but laugh at this irony. Fuck. 

I gotta dig that story out someday, it was one of the best premises I had come up with and I do love it. 

I like a few elements of this show though... But their take on ai is simply flawed, it's like someone without actual understanding tried to write it. The entire philosophical thinking angle for a lot of the bots is just wrong. Aberrations like that just leave me annoyed slightly lol. But okay creative liberty. 

Ooo he is going for the big 28. Nice nice. I'll send nonsense to cut the stress I'm sure he is putting on himself. Or who knows might end up adding more stress to his otherwise zen mode lmao. 

Funzzzz let's gooooo

Hmmm. What I'm noticing is that these guys in these games spot that one weakness and then have a 5-6 move deep tactic that allows them to utilise it to their advantage. That's crazy to be able to see in mere seconds. Incredible, truly a skill that's honed over years. 

I wonder how he goes about training for this. Like is it a modular approach? The goal is definitely going to be attained by marginal gains. I've noticed how at each rating level there are just tiny things that get improved upon and slowly it goes up, so at his level it must be vvv tiny things to actually improve. Interesting. Oh well, it's a marathon and not a sprint anyway so inch by inch he will make headway. I'm glad he is trying, it's vv cool and wonderful ♥️ Hope he doesn't put too much stress on himself and just enjoys the learning part and plays for himself. Idk what fuels him the most though so whatever works for him I suppose. People that competitive always frame things in their minds as a win lose, but I guess that's also what helps them sustain that level. Hmmm. Okay tis what this, just hope he has fun with it 😬

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Wthhh!!! Just read a few articles and omg I read articles as news usually and now it's hitting me that this shit happens and it has happened to him omggggg. Dammit I find this so fucking scaryyyyy. 

Shit. I'm actually feeling panic about this wtf. 

Aaaaaaaa

How tf is he telling me this like he went out to get some groceries or something wtffff.

Oh man I actually do care about this guy a shit ton fuck fuck fuck. Aaaaaaaaaaaa I want to yell at himmmm I don't even know why but I dooooo. Fuck

Cracked 1800 rapid 💪🏼 wasn't the best game lmao but I'm quite liking seeing how to break shitty openings. It's really fun and the game goes all berserk and I love that. Starting to actually take time to think too which is cool. So far haven't found it tough so I'm assuming I'm good for another 50 odd points maybe. Nice fun shit.

Hmmm. The blunders I'm actually still not able to work out why the alternative moves were suggested. Interesting. Dayum so many tactics I love this.

Also sucks to be just fucking 1800 yuck. What am I doing why haven't I worked harder this is a disgrace 

Tolstoy

I don't know what it is. But reading him this time isn't making me feel the same way I did the first time. There's no aha! moment I'm having as yet. But maybe it'll come around. 

I think the problem essentially is his writing deals with most of royal society and their whole gilded cage unhappiness thing. And I think that kinda stuff has started feeling a bit hollow in its essence. But lmc, a bit more and maybe I'll feel differently. 

It's been a long, long time since I read a book that really sucker punched me. I miss that a lil bit. 

Sometimes in life you just want a Bill Watterson.

"Achieve a lower consciousness". Fuck, that line has me in splits. And his dumbass happy face to go with it. 

See this is what I love. Simplicity, wit, innocence and a touch of philosophy. I don't care for adulthood or adults or complications in general. I'm not cut out for any of that. I mean deal cuz I have to but do I truly give a shit about it? Nyat! Nein! Nakko! 

And a lot of the times now I feel like I want to build worlds that reflect that, like a blanket fort of make believe where things can be just as I want them to be. Productive escapism, my new aim in life. 

Ugh, again #41 came on. I love it so. Hehe, happiness...