Listening to women tell me about their multi level skin care routine and I can't recognise half the stuff they are saying wtf lmao. I don't think telling them I use just body lotion will go down well hahah. Wtf man. How do people do so much? Istg nothing makes me feel alien like as much as listening to women discuss cosmetics. 💀😱
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Beat someone that's 2400 bullet and 2200, 2100 blitz and rapid at classical hell yea. That was fun. Also he played like ass but who cares. Oh that feels so good man. Ugh. I wanna learn to make fewer blunders I'm sure I can get to 2100 ish easy that way!!
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Ok this means I gotta learn to play safe like a pussy lmao. Fuck I'm gonna hate this yukkk
I always skip anatomy of a fall for something else. I'm gonna see in the heat of the night. Man. 1967. That's crazy old! Quincy Jones and Sidney Pointier. Let's goooooo
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I like the intro song too. Blues never worked for me but every once in a while.
The waiter in the beginning reminds me somewhat of fischer lmao. This should be fun.
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Oh god so much racial bs fuck. I can't believe back in 67 also things were this bad what the fuck. Pathetic. Like what even man. Just cuz someone is a diff colour you just harass him? Aaaa. I can't with this crap. Screw it I'll play chess. Fuck all this racism.
Felt really blue the last few days and I suppose I know why lol. Think I'll just go for a trek or something. Been so long.
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Heh. I suppose I always take the time to understand why something had to be thus and end up trying to figure some things out. But maybe there's no point in that. Maybe I've just never learnt to be receptive. And I know why that is too. I can't go back in time and change that so it is what it is. But I suppose I can do that hereon out. There's no point in being understanding if it comes at your own expense anyway and I don't want to anymore. Hehe. I wish I had never experienced that thing last year. I really do. But can't change it. How I feel doesn't matter anyway so like whatever.
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I guess I never again want to revisit a space where it feels like even the idea that I could be treated well just evaporates. It's like I gave up on expecting even the bare minimum and it never once changed. I'm sure that's a lot worse than I can even put to words but yeah. I should definitely not go back to that space or allow for the possibility of some phantom hope. Let's deal with things as they are, and the way they are... Yeah not good at all. Absolutely inexcusable.
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Let's just go with what Rafa says. If, if, if... Doesn't exist. That's solid life advice. So I guess no more wondering. Let's just focus on what does exist and take it from there.
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Meh. Let's go shopping and then do something fun with S this weekend. Or go play somewhere might be nice. Anyway he said he is coming to Whitefield so might as well catch up. Actually was quite fun last time too tbh. Nice.
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Maaaan i'm just waking up again and again and again ughhh. Can't sleep yet tired and eyes hurt. 💀💀💀💀. Vanity pls save me.
Listening to it and I realise how easy it is to waste your life away lol. I don't see that as romantic. Just sad. Is it charming to think all that's left is a solitary hard on? Haha. Well, maybe a tiny bit.
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A good routine, a good occupation, good friends and a tiny bit of strife. They are the ingredients of a good life. Even if sometimes things knock you sideways, you gotta get up. That's what I'd tell everyone I love, and myself too. Probably why I dislike folks who take to alcohol and such. I really hate to see it. Vices should be like pets. Manageable at their very worst.
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Do right by me, and I'll love you forever. That's the promise I always made, and I guess I always will. But it is conditional on you doing right by me. Hehe.
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Many people like Peter Cat. But I just can't give up enough to appreciate this meandering haha. It's too antithetical to who I am. Interesting. Walk with me my soulless friends. Never. Never. Never. Nada. I shall never pick you soulless souls. Nevaaaa
I think insecurities go away when you know someone has your back. Knowing they'll do right by you even when your back is turned. That's the kind of trust that is hard to find, but you should always keep.
And they multiply when you sense they don't. Maybe that's what we get wrong a lot of the times. Hoping that someone who treats us badly is going to do right by us. With the right people you don't have to guess or worry, you just know they'll treat you right.
Having S apologize repeatedly for a being late... even though it wasn't his fault... Just made me notice all the small things he does that are considerate. And in my mind it was like... Here's a person... Smart, successful, starting his own firm, has god knows how many patents to his name... And still is grounded enough to be considerate of me, my time and making sure to communicate that.
I don't want to contrast this with anything else... But little by little I want to ensure that I have only room in life for similar people who showcase that consideration and kindness implicitly. Its up to me to protect myself and I owe it to myself to pick people who bring that kind of wholesomeness to the table. I think I will too. For all the mistakes I've made, and all the times I screwed myself over... I don't think I'll ever compromise on decency and consideration ever again. I'm sure in the longer term that will be a step in the right direction.
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Hehe. I guess it's my turn to experience niceness from now. And I want to be receptive to it. Might feel new but that's all right. I'll figure it out as I go along from now. Fingers crossed 🤞 hehe.
Rafa talking about the diff between playing Novak and Roger is so interesting. Hehe, him bringing in chess into it was fun, albeit completely wrong as an analogy. Buuut who cares he is such a cutie man. Hehe. Over time my respect for him has superceded most other players. I love how he conducts himself.
Having a show on in the bg and it's one where some lady has run away from her abusive husband. And he gets back into her apartment. It's so chilling to see esp when there's a small kid involved and that person is trying to use that kid as a threat. Damn dude. I am glad I haven't ever known someone abusive because this shit is wild. I never considered any of this as a kid. Now I actually understand how fucked up it is in an academic sense. I feel so bad. M's friend is the closest I've seen someone having to deal with that and damn dude. Seeing this lady now I suddenly just feel so fucked up inside knowing his mum would have actually lived this reality. :( of all the unfortunate things to happen to someone dude like. It suddenly just came back to me and idk I even used to want to yell at M at times for treating him badly lol. I hope that dude is doing fine and gets his future under his control. Idk why I always felt so protective of that guy, I barely know him. But he is such a helpless overgrown baby like. I can't begin to understand what his mum went through man. May she rest in peace man. :( Damn.
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Ugh. Why is it always weak people that you have to be afraid of. Always. Always. Just. And it's always these weak people who need to abuse women and children to feel strong. Always the weak ones. Fuck dude.
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S also grew up with a shit fucking father. His sister can't bear to come to her own place. Imagine that. She is so much older than us, almost 40 and still the amount of unprocessed trauma she carries is insane.
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If I could protect every kid in this world, I would. I wouldn't even care what it cost. Like. People who harm kids should never be forgiven. Never.
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Ugh I can't even watch this show..I can't watch some person gets violent like this wtf . This is extremely messed up.
Opened an old book and found a pressed flower. Lol... I feel like I love keeping small small things people gift me. My drawer has more nostalgic stuff I've kept than jewellery or anything expensive lol. A stamp, some box, the stuff J got me, the notes by AK, old mug someone got me, like literally everything someone imp in my life made me or gifted me is kept even after all these years. My books and this junk drawer is literally all the material stuff I love lol. And the gold is all shoved into some far corner. 😂 Hehe. I like that this is who I am. And I like that small things mean more to me than stuff that costs a lot. Even the ring I got the other day. I couldn't help but look at it and wonder why just a bit of metal needs to cost so much. I can't bring myself to value it in the same way I do all these other things and keepsakes. Every one of them has a memory attached to it that I love.
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I hope I get lots of flowers in the future. Not cuz I yearn them, but I love the femininity it represents, and the old fashionedness of it. It was like a tiny lil secret in my tomboyish heart. I still have some petals saved from when V gave me my first bouquet. I guess it has come to mean something to me over the years. God, I am so fucking sentimental it's unreal. Just feeling all wooly inside because of these things haha. Well, idc. I love it. I love this girly stuff so damn much. Total romantic sap I am. And unrepentant about it lol.
Meeting after so long, so good to catch up. Started his own company too so I guess more travel means we can catch up bi annually haha.
Everyone eventually just takes the start up route huh. Good stuff. I like that it was just a chill day. Coffee sandwiches, shopping for his gf and then more coffee haha. Always fun to do girly shit with dudes who don't like shopping etc lol. He asked about L too, told him I didn't reach out. She called him though lol. Should have known. Only behind boys always. I was the emcee at her wedding and then she chose to hit on someone I loved. And now clinging to a guy whose gf told him to pick who he wants in his life. After which he never spoke to her for like a decade. Lol. It's weird how she simply can't let any guy go even after so many years. Well, not surprising. Guess that's why I never want to speak to her again. Maaan. After even treating him like shit she stilllll wants to go reach out again to him like what a psycho honestly. Cheated on him, dumped him, dated someone else, string him along, cheated on that guy then when he leaves comes back to date him as revenge and then tells all our common friends she didn't enjoy kissing S while she was with him to make the other dude jealous. Theeennnn finally S dates someone else so instantly try to get back in his life and attempt to ruin that relationship also. Sheesh. Some women are just so damaged they just can't help but ruin everyone's lives I feel. In some small gap she will try to cheat and ruin everyone's marriage and relationships behind their backs. I'm all out of sympathy also now, I kinda just see this as the same old shit.
From the bottom of my heart. L. You are a fucking colossal cunt. Truly. Like. Using your husband's money and resources to pay for your disease and then reaching out to all other exes behind his back. How are you such a loser dude. How. Just. 💀
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I can't, never again man.
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Fuck I'm glad I never looked back at these folks truly. Hardest decision I ever made but completely worth it. What a snake she is. Ugh. Whatever. Screw it. Let's not dwell on this again. I legit hate this woman. From the bottom of my soul I hate her and her fucked up cunty machiavellian garbage what a spectacular asshole she is. Puke. My condolences to her husband who pays for all this stuff. I legit felt angry this time around.
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Let's dwell on the number of coffees I had zomg. I feel so awake lol. This city has changed so much it no longer feels home. All those old spots now just feel unfamiliar. S was also complaining. Man, he got late and was so apologetic. In general he is such a good dude like. Telling me he is actually meeting someone socially after months and that was me haha. Such an honor 😂. But yeah, start up life is hectic. It was nice walking around too. I enjoy just exploring on foot and that felt so good.
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All in all, a decent day today. Long drive but worth it.
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Aaand tennis tomo hopefully it doesn't rain. 💪♥️
M's mums photography in the running to be used on a bg pass how nice! I love it when parents are doing cool stuff like that. I suppose growing up close to nature helps. Feel like a lot of nature photographers like ducks haha. She seems like a nice person too. I enjoy seeing the similarities and differences between people of diff backgrounds and upbringing. M is sweet and I guess that stems from good parenting in the first place. Was just reading about Shema and then saw this pic and her bio popped up where she says she supports israel. The more I have delved into learning about their roots, the more I have felt in awe of the resilience it must have taken for people to stand up to persecution. Just. I know we live in different times and so I cannot and do not want to second guess anything, but it does leave me in awe to know that there are still people among us who have first to second hand accounts of this stuff, that's how close in history we are. Hmmm. From appreciating nature photography to thinking of this, that's quite a turn. I suppose watching the old man recite the shema made me think of it today, it was so pious and heartfelt. Prayers can be very powerful and felt in your soul. The part of Kierkegaard that resonated with me feels like it's something eternal. To believe, one has to take a leap of faith.
I suppose that is a line of thought for another day. For now, I'm going to just go back to appreciating these pics. Baby bro has found a good woman in M. I'm glad. Hehe...atleast one M is nice lol. I guess that too is a thought for another day lol. Hehe. Can't believe he is simultaneously the oldest person I've known and the biggest child too. Guess that's the dichotomy of him that also made him endearing to me. Oh well. He shall never have that soft corner again. My bad. Back to picsssss.
Meeting S after so long. Hehe. I like our friendship. He is my oldest friend. That's fuckin crazy. Knew him from when he wore those tiny school uniform shorts hahahha.
Damn man. Time flies. But I love equations that endure. Never thought ours will but here we are.
Sometimes it's nice to have a good equation with someone even when it's long distance. I enjoy this feeling tbh. We have both never crossed the line into being too close and that's good too. I suppose that's also what gives our equation its longevity. I get along with dudes pretty well and I think a large part of that maybe stems from knowing how reseved to be. Hehe. Like I even switch it up to being sisterly with a few and I guess it's cuz I don't mind being relied upon, but I definitely do not want that to be taken in any different way. I do enjoy the feeling of being relied on, it makes me feel centered.
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I love trustful equations man. He is one of the few folks I actually just implicitly trust and that feels nice. He has always made the decent choices as far as I've known him. Hmmm. Esp the one where he simply told me "i'll never speak to AM again" after I told him about AM's misbehaving. It was one of the first times in my life a guy just implicitly took my side. Could have cried that moment haha. That cemented my belief that he is a good friend and I will forever be grateful for it.
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I read somewhere today about how peaceful it feels to not be in a household that's loud, argumentative and toxic. Growing up, I was always trying to shut myself off in some room somewhere so I can avoid conflict. I know he comes from a toxic home as well and had his own set of issues he had to grapple with. But he turned out good. I think so have I.
Now, as an adult life is peaceful and I take that for granted. I hope I have the luxury of always doing that forevermore. Guess I have to consistently choose nice people consciously for that.
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