Fell asleep listening to a psychology podcast. It was pretty eye opening. One of the things she said about toxic relationships - you need to ask yourself why you stayed in it. That's so true. I think most people focus so much on other people that they never ask themselves why they make the choices they do. I've asked myself also this question loads of times, in fact all of last year I was in this dilemma. About all the choices I made. Was very focused on getting to the roots of all these matters and removing them. Glad I made the effort. Something about being informed about yourself helps in changing the narrative too. I'm glad no choices in my life are now fear based or based on the lack mindset. Can't control or change the things that happened prior but can definitely be a lot more cognizant of things to come and where to head. As with all the good things in life...Slow and steady. 

Aaand I'm finally well rested. Glad for that. Was too sleepy hehe. 

Why am I awake? Ugh just not able to sleep. 

Hola a todos

Nadal's match was hard to watch fuck. Hubi just slaughtered him. I don't think he will play RG anymore he can barely last 90 odd mins on the courts now. Damn man. Painful. Just two years since he won AO too. Fuck. Crazy how much the body can deteriorate in just a little while. :(

It's v bittersweet for me. 

I don't think I'd care when Djoko retires at all but seeing Nadal like this deffo hurts lots. 

Finishing chapter 3 today. Really excited to share it with my friends woohoo. I worked out how I'd like most of the chapters to be now just gotta sit myself down and get it done lol. I can technically be done in 14 days if I try hard and do one a day but zomg I meander so much before settling down in a routine. Lol. Perils of procrastination. 

Start the day with

~

Wise men sayyyyy

Only fools rush in

But I... can't...help...

faaaaalling in loooove with you

Shall I stay?

Would it be a sin

If I can't help falling in love with you?

Like a river flows

Surely to the sea

Darling, so it goes

Some things are meant to be

Take myyyy hand

Take my whole life, too

For Iiiiiiiii caaaan't help 

faaaalling in loooove with youuuuu

~

Oh my. 

Heart

 

~

Stand in the middle of the fire

Love this monster

With the red wine of the heart

And try to be good.

~

Wolfgang Borchert

I know the context is extremely different but those words are equal parts heavy and poignant to me.

Reindeer trauma

Tried watching another ep of Baby Reindeer and gave up lol. Too much trauma I can't watch this stuff. Man, I'm a total wuss maybe. Or idk. Some people watch this with academic interest, I can never detach enough to do so. The entire thing is one complete trauma dump. Plus idk the humor of it is kinda lost on me cuz how tf do you laugh at someone like that? You can't. It's too horrific. And both the characters had such a twisted, symbiotic relationship with each other. I'm sure it's fabricated and exaggerated for effect ofc. But even barring that, both of them I guess just wanted to be saved. 

That's the weird thing in life... Most times it all just comes down to wanting to be loved. Hmmm. But idk if that's true for everyone though. A loooot of men in particular can just be looking to get laid and don't really care for love I feel. So who knows? Maybe women also have something similar but I don't think they just look around to get laid all the time. 

Some people have really lived in such horrid environments. I wonder how much damage that did to their psyche. I cannot imagine it man. V painful to even think about. Even that lady in this show just losing her mind etc. Having to actually deal with a person like that is so scary. M also hinted he has and idk man. If he went through something so horrid it's v heartbreaking to think of. Loads of times I used to wonder why he is so closed up and why he feels the need to protect himself so much. But if this kinda stuff has happened to you then yeah you'd be v careful I suppose. I used to take it v personally and get offended but I realise now that these are his issues that I haven't had context on. Hmmm. Heh. Idk, I'm not like him in that way though, I don't have a negative outlook on people that way or that level of skepticism. My inner stubborn and one track mind simply refuses to quit on things or accept defeat. I'm not foolish enough to think I can change the past, but I am dogged enough to believe in a good future and I refuse to accept any less.

Meh. I will never have the right words to communicate that so nvm. It'll sound too cringe also hehe. 

But yes, giving up on this show for good lol. I'd rather watch some anime. Something about fantastical settings actually works for me. I can  watch deeper topics as long as it's animated cuz then I only see it from an academic standpoint. Empathy doesn't get in the way of that. But making actual humans do it? Nope. 

G4

Ohhhh so the g4 move I kept seeing in professors' d4  games, the very first game of his that fascinated me, because of how utterly attacking it was... Was a Leela move. I kept thinking at the time that I had never seen something like that and how it was so devastating every single time.Niiiiiice. And he says it hasn't been played yet at the highest levels only 3k odd lichess games have shown it before. Engines are crazy strong. That's usually said without thinking, and taken as a given but I haven't ever delved into the actual depth of what that means or fully appreciated it. And it's from the contempt setup too. Fuck. I wish I had the chess skill to actually test out shit on leela holy crap I love this. 

I gotta try to learn some of these lines and then try them out in actual long games would be absolutely fun. 

One of the really cool key things about Leela in this position he says is its ability to actually distinguish g4 as a good move and try to play against it, as opposed to stockfish and Komodo who simply see it as a free pawn and look to equalise. Leela recommends nd7 against it, knowing that you should not open the file. That is a good showcase of how even engines are with their own limits. It's also scary how advanced this algo must be to be able to intuit stuff in a manner of speaking. Fuck dude, the depth at which this game can be played is mind blowing. 

This entire game is very attacking and sharp. Trying to absorb it took so much time and I'm still seeing someone explain the analysis not even doing it myself. The depth and accuracy and time this needs makes my head hurt lol. I started feeling fatigue by the second hour.

I have to say though, even at 49, professor is still sitting and digging out lines and novelties that's quite a love he has for the game. Respect. 

Okay I'm really really really excited about the gift I planned omgggg. Aaaaa. I hope she loves it as much as I doooooo. Aaaaaaaaaa. Fuck. And gotta finish that painting toooo... AAAAAAAA. SO MUCH TO DOOOOOOO

Delicious

Tiny gestures just have my heart. Just. I love noticing them between people, I love how it feels when someone shows them to me and I just love the underlying affection I sense in them. 

It's also interesting how you can tell the character of a person and their general tendencies by observing the kind of mini behaviours they exhibit. Which is why I set such a store by them too tbh. Last time I was put off completely by a person was when he failed to come through for me on a small thing. Just that one thing was enough to make me realise the kind of person he was. Think I just write people off like that easily once I'm sure. 

The more I allow my emotional side to be open and honest, the more feminine and soft I see myself becoming. I used to feel a dire need to hide those parts of me from everyone, but lately I've started to feel like I don't need to anymore. I used to not be demonstrative at all, but now I feel my actual love language has finally come to the surface and it's more affectionate gestures and words of affirmation. How different from earlier, but it feels very authentically me now. 

I don't think I have room in my life for fights and meanness and unkindness. I used to write these things off in people earlier, but I honestly just don't want to be around that kinda stuff ever again. I think affection can only exist in peace and safety and it's so fundamental to my personality and was so hidden for so long because I never really felt safe displaying it. Sad, but it's cool. Will take the right steps henceforth. 

One lesson I'm learning from watching these 2100s play classical is to never get your queen in the enemy territory for no reason. Just becomes a 🎯 

Dunno why they all do it. I get frustrated in these games when I feel like half the game will go in a queen hunt and be v lop sided after. 

Or for some strange reason the opponent will randomly trade the queen and it doesn't make any sense to me cuz the game then just balances out instead of using it as a way to develop your side while attacking theirs. Dunno how correct I am about this but lmc more analysis to figure. 

Like I just don't get why this is necessary 

Plus post the trade I feel like neither side actually has wondered about the resulting position. In that sense I feel like the games are very modular. A series of tiny battles. Guess it's tough to actually calculate something so deep too so must be why. I wanna watch few more then play some myself. Bet I'll blunder some random shit after all this easily. 

The thing that hampers me a lot is knowing I'm playing lmao. Just added pressure of wanting to do everything right and it actually just distracts so much from even basics. How will I ever learn if I don't let this go? 

~~

Edit: this game was painful. randomly gave up a rook for a bishop when there was no need. Couldn't bear to watch as white gave up all advantage 😔 

Nadal just about managing to win fuck never thought I'd see a day where he struggles in 1st round.  💀😔

I solemnly swear I shall STOP PLAYING SHORT TIME CONTROLS

💀

Edit: Nvm, almost played another. 😔

Leela

I am checking out some of Sadler's Leela analysis. That man has been testing out new ideas all this while on lichess lmao. I love that curiosity and he is fantastic at explaining to boot. What a gem his channel is. 

From what I gather, Leela typically likes to gambit in a sense. Sac a pawn say G5 in a bb5 Sicilian just to open files and gather initiative. Saw similar ideas in grunfeld and modern too. Gives way to a lot of attacking chess. Then switched to seeing some classical game on lichess and some 2100 was playing and man it was so awful. Finally I can atleast tell the difference between really good play v mediocre cuz fuck that game was mediocre. Moving the queen 10x times in the opponent side finally to trade it off, no piece coordination, and I could tell that one of the most critical parts of the game was when white didn't trade a pawn properly and that made the game totally unhinged. Ran analysis and I was right about all three critical points of the game where mistakes were made. Felt so good. For lack of better word, lower rated games now appear sluggish in that they start to battle for some miniscule thing but it doesn't actually get all the pieces involved so it looks more like a scuffle instead of an all out attack. Not sure if that analogy is accurate but that's how it seems to me at the moment. Really excited to figure out more. 

QGD Vienna

A study to refer. Was really fun, should come back to it again. 

https://lichess.org/study/GJ5NRo9a 

To peruse

Leela Blog - Contempt mode

Skimmed a bit, extremely interesting. Gotta come back to it and deep dive.