Canon in D

I feel oddly relieved. And then I saw a rainbow too lmao. Hehe, that was super nice. 

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Just want to sigh and look at the rain tbh. All whimsy.

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Omg i can't even hahahah omgggggg. I just. The only thing that makes this song better just the only thing. 

Oscar

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Dammit I love this song so damn much it's crazy I'd lived all my life without hearing it haha. O fortuna indeed. How can I gripe against you when you bring me such joy too? 

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As silly as it might be, all the love I've ever felt in my life, it can be captured within the notes of this song for me. Move me to tears, why don't you already? I love you so damn much. I really do. ♥️

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Love

Damn. I agree with the first comment. 100 years ago, you probably only heard this once in your life. Fuck. I never thought of it like that. Music was so rare to come by. Fuck. That's nuts. Privileges we never appreciate we have. Somehow the idea that you hear this just once is also beautiful.  

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The fact that I'm wearing cosy socks as I write this while the rain pours outside makes it just so nice. 🙂 

Fuck I'm actually enjoying slow chess zomg. This is so fun. WHY DID I PLAY BULLET.

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Wtf I'm already 2k rapid and it wasn't even tough just random missed tactics galore from my side. Zomg we are such noobs at chess man. This is shameful. I wonder by what rating can one safety say one knows how to play decent chess. Deffo not 2k rapid. 💀😕🙅‍♀️

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I hate that even now it doesn't really feel challenging per se. I want to play some people who really just destroy you, it's somehow more fun to be locked in and think. Hmmmm. Idk I hate the bit where I just hang piece or something then lose its just stupid asf. Ugh. I thought reaching this would feel good but it doesn't. Can't believe I was stuck at 1700 for so long too. Something is very wrong with my playing lmao. I'm deffo the problem hahahaha. Fuck it. 

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Sadlers blog is a marvel. So good man, I admire how much effort he puts in this stuff. Respect. 

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Hehe, ranked 40 points straight. Atta boy. Now it feels normal 😄. So basically mindless playing is what kills it haha. Roots.

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Anyhoo, after today I'm going to keep to 3-4 games a day and that should be good enough. 

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Whew. Beat a 2100 also a piece down and it wasn't hard per se. Interesting. So I should aim at 2150ish rating at the very least. How nice. I shall try. 💪😤

Sugar exception

Waking up to the sun in my face and it feels all warm and sweet lol. A good nights rest makes all the difference in the world. Hehe. 

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The first kitkat I've ever liked and it's matcha lol. 

Asians make some interesting flavour combos. Never expected this to be good and instead I love it lol. 

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Goes well with coffee grumpy face

Some days I love chess oof what a thrill... Managed to win a piece down against someone 100 points higher rated and this just feels good. Awful game by me but worse one by him haha so idc. Really gotta stop hanging pieces lol. Still, rn idc I'm just happy 😁 

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Listening to my friend talk about S and her dysfunctional asf husband and I'm just stunned. How can you live with someone so abusive man. Sheesh. Willingly marrying him, paying all his bills, seeing him be drunk daily, all the yelling, the bad behaviour, what the fuck even brother. And him just throwing a fit and threatening to leave when you are buying a house like what even. Who behaves like this dude. Oh god what a nightmare. And how tf does a grown man throw such tantrums like yuck it's so repulsive. I hate hate hate this childish bullshit like I'm flying back and sending screenshots of plane tickets aaaaa. So revolting. I'm so glad I wasn't in town to meet these lunatics I'd have just snapped lmao. 

Sometimes life just keeps giving warning signs upon warning signs to people and they do not want to take it. I cannot imagine being around abusive drunks dude lord I hope I never see one cuz no fucking way. 

Sometimes the world is just fucking scary like you never know what kind of person someone is. But I mean. 

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Haha my friend threw away all the sheets and disinfectanted the house after they left lmaoooo. Bad juju begoneeee!! Hahahha fuck... I totally get why man. This is insane. I hope she never talks to those people again truly. I was so mad to hear that she hosted them and that loser dude was rude to her gawdddd. Just. Ugh. People like this should be shown the door and have the door slammed in their face after. 

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Kids of parents like these will have such a tough time. To see a father constantly being abusive towards a mother is so fucked up for a small kid. What hell people create. 

This one's life is a lesson dude. Like often even I've found myself in a spot where I wish to forgive someone for treating me badly but then you realise that's what they always do and what you always do is forgive. It ends up just emboldening the abusive folks. It's easy to be nice, some people just don't want to, or want you to be happy. Just leave. 

When have I heard this before? I like that beat so much. 

The Unknowing

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Nice cat too 

Ugh. Drank a beer after so long and now I don't feel good lmao. I don't like drinking anymore 😞. Messes up sleep too. My one great love. At this rate I'll become an annoying vegan in the next few years. Haha. Fuck. That would be fun. 

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I want a bath and I also want to sleep what do I do.... Dilemmas dilemmaaaas 🚿 

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5 hours later and I've LAZED THE DAY AWAY. Shameful lmao. Need bathhhhh 😵

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Finally home ugh. STILL NO BATH. lmao. I've become a degenerate. Damn I miss home though. 

Wow watching rajat kapoors take on brothers karamazov and omg how have you butchered dosto so badly 😵😕

Juuuust so bad zomg. 

Cold days with cloudy weather. Quintessential throwback to the city I used to love. It's gotten so different now. I miss the old world vibe it once had, now it's just reaching a level of soulless that I associate with every generic city. Damn man. Yearnings. Just want to sleep in today so lazyyyy

So tired of this world ugh. Wake me up when everything is normal. 😔

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Making pesto and I can't help but feel as if I'd love to make some for someone who enjoys eating lol. I like home cooking esp if it's for someone else. Just little, little things that I enjoy doing for someone, it gives me a lot of joy. Even small simple things like making sure the fridge is stocked and there are few things in it that someone enjoys eating etc. I enjoy that. I loooove spoiling people with all this stuff. Guess it's my love language, taking care of people in tiny ways. 

Something so therapeutic about a slow game lol. Legit enjoyed it. The uber mindlessness of bullet really has taken a toll I'm just averse to it rn. Good. Hopefully that aversion lasts. No more pining for 2100 bullet lol. Let's get slow rating for that. 

Back to 10+0. Doesn't feel that bad tbh. Only annoying when the pairing is against some new account lol. Oh well. Let's gooooooo. So fucking fed up of bullet like damn. Mindless asf. 

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AAAAAA

fucking played that stupid 1+0 again ugh and lost 2k and now want it back ugh ugh ugh. I hate this. 

It's interesting to see so many people dress up for festivals. I've never had any desire to participate in any lol. Even today, I'm like a grouch just hiding away from it all lol. I guess I can't make myself do anything that my heart is not set on. It's a weird internal stubbornness that I've come to accept. Haha. Like me accepting it is of utmost importance lol. Its like I just don't understand one large part of humanity. 

I was just revisiting the grand inquisitor also coincidentally and I'm Ivan through and through. Even there I have loads of bones to pick with dosto lol. I feel like a huge fundamental flaw in his work is that he is a reluctant believer. So was Kierkegaard and they all spun around in circles trying to rationalise belief or rather their own desires to believe. Hehe. Well, not Kierkegaard in the same way as dosto but like... Idk I feel this man's anguish in his works and it makes me sad but also makes me wonder how he didn't just understand that you can be good for the sake of being good. That you can accept the universe as is, and choose to define your role in it. I think the Stoics were practical in that sense. Hmmmm. 

It's a good backdrop. Watching people dressed up and be festive and ponder wtf was dosto all about haha. 

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Paradoxical it may be, but I value the importance of prayer and belief and the role in plays in people's lives. I think it's very important to feel loved and secure and know that someone somewhere cares to protect you. There's a lot of good in that. I don't feel it needs to be transactional in that hey I'll be good so pls gimme reward. I think if you can breathe deep and act from a place of security and acceptance about your own self, you can choose to do right for others without thinking it diminishes your own resources. It's a very unfinished thought. But it's not like rn I have the time to finish it I gotta go put on a smile and exchange niceties lol. 

Cheers to the believers. You are all sinners but it's nice to see you all pretend otherwise hehe. 

Greatest love ever

Running up that hill. Oo huuuu

I actually want to run up a hill fuck. Just that sweet sweet pain and endorphins. Chase that damn high. 

Dammit. Disabling pano scrobbler cuz I don't want it reading my texts lmao. Ugh no mo last fm and my digital musical impressions. Dayum. There was something so precious about sharing that profile with someone and they could know when I'm enjoying a song haha. It was cute. 

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On a night that's for the shins,no less. 

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I'm looking in on the good life

I might be doomed never to find

Without a trust, a flaming field

Am I too dumb to refine?

And if you took to me like

Well, I'd've danced like the queen of the eyesores

And the rest of our lives would've fared well

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Heh. Such deeply sad lyrics set to such peppy music. Ooooo uuu ooo uooo

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I missed when life was small and I kissed you on the terrace and felt guilty because it didn't fit in with my idea of propriety. Hehe. I miss it so much. Not you, but I miss that time of innocence and wonder. I want it back. I will never look for myself in shitty lyrics nevermore. But if I could bottle that innocence and keep it safe, I would. I so would. Dammit. 

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Ugh. I must have said it a 1000 times but music is my greatest love hehe. And I shall forever be a musical philanderer, no genre shall tie me down. 

Let's see if someone can ever come close to clinching second place though. Heh. I am now curious who or what that might be. 

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On cue... Heartbeats. 

What a pretty voice you have. 

Heartbeats ♥️

Man people make fake accounts just to cheat on lichess like why ugh. Reported this person I saw cheating against this fellow too. Just annoying to see. Nolund it seems. Lolol. I wonder if that person knows what that word means but who knows maybe some cheapo did it intentionally. 

Oh wow lichess sent message saying banned also goody. Finally quick action. What a shit account though, just losing no games whatsoever. Blatant asf. Omg hahahahahha. They paired him with some 1800 cheater hahahahha. Good shit let's goooo. 

Heh. Only an engine is allowed to beat our man this badly 😬💪😤

Some guy posted on the Stoicism sub about getting Crohns. Says now he feels angry all the time. I felt so bad reading that. The more I've read about IBDs and the like, the more I've come to realise that living with these conditions must be hellish for the people who have them. :( 

I've never wondered about this before a couple of years ago but the more I've tried to educate myself on it, the more it feels so fucked up to live with. 

Sometimes life just makes you angry na. Like... Whatever nags at you internally eventually can overpower everything unless you work on it. That sucks but it exists. I do feel bad about this, truly. There's so much strife in the world. And it's a lot to handle. 

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I hate that feeling of helplessness that accompanies the realisation that you can't take away someone's pain or just magic it away. I wish I could. Hmmm. Sucks, ngl. 

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I guess at the core of it all, why I always forgive everyone no matter what and why I have such difficulty in trying to keep score etc is that deep inside there's a part of me that's afraid what the world will look like when the people I love are gone. I view life through the lens of love and people. Why I have felt like ambition etc is low key meaningless as a quest in its core too. Not meaningless maybe but temporary and fleeting. Maybe that's how I give life meaning idk. But it's always felt like the most honest part of me. Even today it does. So someone just fix everyone around me and make them be sweet and sensible and take care of themselves cuz fuck I know some crazy people lmao. Sheesh. Even worry about them when they aren't around cuz why tf not. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 All fucking lunatics.