Party

Out celebrating a friend's bday, the music is nice and I'm keeping everyone at bay and I'm planning to as well lmao. What a good lil girl I am.

BUT

I am winning at the quiz and I'm happy. Yaas. Leading the tournament 185 points to 95 points lmao. Absolutely epic. 

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🏆

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Sitting next to this couple that's so incredibly sweet and down to earth. When I was younger, I'd have felt like ohhh too simple..now when I see them my first thought is - pick a guy like him... One who is sweet to you, who wants to see you smile, and who drapes his arm around you casually cuz he just feels so lovely and at ease with you. It's so nice man. No ego, no meanness, just casual sweet banter and genuine love. Damn. I also want this. Lol shit. I'm v clear on this though. I don't like life with a person that's mean, that makes you feel small would ever, ever be worth it. And I will not make that mistake ever. That's the best part I'm noticing about this guy... How he is just himself. Is nice. No airs and graces, no need to be anyone other than himself. You just know guys like these are very secure in themselves and aren't shady. And that's the best part of men who are secure in themselves. You never have to watch out for funny games or anything they'll just be good to you and you can be good to them and things are even. Hehe. I'm done with being made to feel bad finally huh? Yes. And people who try to make me feel small or like I'm insignificant. Just finally done for good.  : )

And deffo not someone like C fuck me he is so fucking annoying aaaaaa. Fuck so unbelievably know it all and doesn't know anything how can someone be so dumb and so aggressive fuckkkkk

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I'm even seeing kids here and honestly I can do without lol. But I'd like a nice group that I love chilling with and a partner with whom it's fun to be social. Like idk. Fancy places are fun but even regular places, I just like having a good crowd and ever so often hold court heh. I can be damn good in social settings if I choose. Even though I say it myself 😇

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Aaand this showed up on my feed lmao. So true.

Damn mum had a minor accident wtf. Ugh. Stuff like this instantly worries me. Thank fuck nothing bad happened. 

Fuck so scary I just hate this. 

Awwwieee Federer's documentary coming out. Lmao how many tears will I shed?

MANY. 

Whyyyy is that Rihanna song stuck in my head? All day I've been humming it lmaooo

And you'll always bee.. my herooo... Even though you've lost

Your miiiind. 

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Lmao. Wtf when did I ever hear this? Will have to check my lastfm

♥️

 

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When I see this, a bit of it reminds me of my childhood. I never wanted to 'be someone' and I hated everyone constantly pushing me and trying to make me accomplish great things lol. I was born with a few natural talents that made me stand out. Like the ability to sketch which was inborn, my near perfect memory that let me remember accurately anything I read or focused on just once, stuff that made me be at the top of my class for most of my primary and middle school years without even trying. It all simply came naturally to me. I used to feel like such an impostor because people around me would try hard and stuff they found tough, came really easy to me. I remember that strange sense of awe my mom used to have because I'd spend hours just reading, inhaling books out of sheer interest and curiosity. Yet, what none of them understood about me was a very simple fact - I wanted to be loved for me, the person I was. And not the things I could do. 

Lol. My entire teenage and early adulthood was centered around this tussle of control and how much I hated my dad for never taking an interest in me unless it was about stuff I could accomplish. 

Damn. I've let all that go now. I am happy, I have chosen my own direction, I more or less know what I wish to do, who I want to be, and I'm capable of pursuing the things I want. 

And yet, the part of me that hasn't changed is simply that I still want to be liked and cared for - for being the person I am, and not for what I can do for you.

Interesting. 

Breaking the cycle

The thing with the past experiences is - if they were bad, sometimes we just get so stuck trying not to repeat the mistakes made then that we unwittingly damage our future by being assholes at times to people whose fault it wasn't. Or by projecting our apprehension on them at times. 

I think I've done that a few times. I was never like that before but yeah, I definitely did make that mistake post A. Still, I stopped and pulled back and I don't think I actively inflicted any meanness on anyone anyway. I'm glad. 

But just as I don't intend to make anyone feel the brunt of this, I also don't want to be on the receiving end of bullshit for stuff I didn't do wrong to anyone. I think I have paid that price for no reason, when I was subjected to someone's fears and paranoias and I don't see why I should be made to make up for errors that were made by other people in their lives. So unfair. I will not entertain this shit though. I've made up my mind about that. If someone doesn't see the good in me, it's cool. Going forward, that will just be my cue move on and find people who do. 🤷‍♀️

Research

I started out researching cluster B disorders out of a sense of curiosity as well as wanting to see if there's some elements that can be used to craft certain characters. Deep diving into bpd was like ohhhh boy. I don't even get how people exist that way to be honest. It's such a painful way to live. Some of the stuff I can't even relate to or understand. Like the feelings of emptiness cuz you don't know who you are at your core. How can that even be? And from that stemming the intense need to relate to others etc. I'm actually completely lost about this cuz the concept itself feels v foreign to me. But it made me feel quite bad to imagine someone having to wilfully live like this. And one of the lectures I saw said people like this self harm as a distraction like bruh. He called it "meditative" and that they self harm in minor ways cuz it takes away the feelings of emptiness. And they can be suicidal too. Idk man, at that point I wanted to legit just give up the research cuz I can't ever use something like this in a story or for a character. It's such a brutal existence, feels v wrong and exploitative to even go there to be honest. I know compelling characters are made of conflicts and struggles but I cannot be the kind of person that uses stuff like this for entertainment. 💀

Explosive reactions all the time over something minor was something that made me think though... A used to do that all the time... Just took something minor as insulting and immediately lash out. I've always been conflict averse and seeing that kind of reaction used to make me give in to them cuz I felt like okay if it matters so much then why not. And I hated that feeling of just being on eggshells around them so giving in to them seemed easier. But fuck. The resentment you build up over time to these people is unreal. I never let her back in my life after. And now I feel like oh boi. I don't know if it was a legit disorder or shades of it that made her and a couple other people behave the way they do, but dayum. Either way, it doesn't matter cuz it was extremely unhealthy behaviour and v toxic. Yeah, I mean I can empathise if someone feels bad etc but that doesn't take away from the collosal damage they do to you. Like with her, I think I was just constantly in a space of high alert and I guess emotional abuse wasn't a common term then, but yes, that's what it amounted to. Even today, she is so jealous of Di and me being friends that the minute she realises it, she starts trying to win back one of us. It's crazy and so fucked up. 

Eeeyeah I don't think I want to learn more about this lmao. Too fucked up it seems. 

Rains

Little bouts of rain and the city reverts back to its olden day charm and temperature. 

Had a weird dream that I now can't remember but it was like a movie all vivid. Feel groggy everytime I wake up from one of these cuz it feels unfinished. 

The rain outside woke me up. Hehe. It feels really nice. So still and stormy at the same time. ♥️

Tiny things

Heh... Yesterday, I just said happy mothers' day to some friends and their moms. And everyone wished back except M. Would it have been so hard to wish my mom for once? Lol. 

It's such a small thing, just a simple... "Wish your mum the same." And yet he didn't even think to do so. Heh. That's the funny bit. I'm pretty certain it actually just didn't occur to him that my mom matters, and matters to me. :) How sad huh? 

Inconsiderateness towards me I can handle but the thought of anyone being inconsiderate towards my family or friends is deffo not something I will. Hmmm. 

Not reading too much into it, just can't help noticing these tiny things at times. Plus he chose not to wish me on my bday too so like... Blah. 

Anyway, no point thinking of these things why bother? 🤷‍♀️ Chuck it. 

Modern Family

Watching an episode of Modern Family called Regrets Only. I actually related to some of the stuff in it. Esp the bits where you feel overlooked and unimportant when your partner seems to not pay attention or listen to you and they do this unconsciously so you just feel like you don't matter. Dayum. So true. 

I always find it hard to verbalise this but it cuts me very deep when I feel like my existence is merely to make someone else feels good about themselves but they in turn don't actually ask or pay attention to me. And I can always tell when someone is all about themselves. So many people in my life have been like that. Not partners though, except V. I hope that never happens again. In fact, most times in life it's actually been good esp with AK and J. They were both very concerned about me and wanted to know me well and were very sweet and attentive and loving. I always felt very cherished with them. I guess they are somewhat of a benchmark in my mind when it comes to good relationships, because both knew intuitively how to be close and how to show love and affection. Hehe. Nice. I'm pretty sure when I do fall in love, it'll be with a man who is intuitively in sync with me in that sense. And for all the little things like these that matter to me so much. I think that's more or less what I'm looking for. Someone who makes me feel loved in tangible ways, makes me feel like I matter to them and makes me feel at ease. I'm used to being supportive of people in my life and I think it's only fair for them to be the same towards me as well. 

Jay ends it with how important listening is in a marriage and I agree. I think both people should make sure the other knows how valued and appreciated they are to keep things happy and balanced. 

Lounging Lingerie

Waking up to see my skin feels excellent and a bunch of pics I took of my new bra lol. I wish I could post it openly but then it'll feel like I have an OF 💀

The only time I regret not fucking around is when I like some lingerie and have noone to send the pics to lmao. Ugh. MORE FOR ME. 

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Or you know... I can just slap a filter on and call it art. 🤷‍♀️

Knock knock

Dammit. Everytime I have wine I feel like taking my pants off and doing some roleplay. Ugh... Nothing actually gets me off like some good fucking role play. 

Something about letting the demons out while taking phantom risks. Umm umm ummmmm.

Now I wanna listen to cringe songs and go clubbing it's been fucking ages. And listen to this:

Dancin

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Now listening to

Na Zare

Man, I love dancing and music fuck fuck fuck.

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Jazz it up

Avishai Cohen  

New age fusion Jazz kicking ass. Period. Suck it Mikes Davis. 

Ps. - Do we prefer something more sophisticated? Then here's one of my all time favourites. The beat of the piano rhymes with my soul. I'd like you to know how to play me.

Suffering

Having you inside me might just be addictive. 

Wine, Cheese, Chocolate

Drinking toniiiight. Ugh. Hate red wine but okay. Lol

All my stupid wine glasses broke so here's to wine in a beer glass who cares fuck it... Cheeerssss. 

Oops played a game tonight and lost hehehehhehe. Fuck it. 

Cheers

As I finish chapter 3, I realised how tough certain things can be to get right. I'm v happy to share this with my family and friends today mostly. And I love how supportive and nice they are. That's the one true test I have in life for people. I believe those closest to you should lift you up and cheer your efforts too. And I always notice who does and doesn't. But I'm glad now most people in my life seek to show me positivity and I can rely on them being in my corner every time. These are things that should come naturally to people who care about me and it does. That's so fucking awesome. Glad I am to know you all.  Much love. ♥️

Okay time to get in the zone let's goooo