Omgomgomg I'm so excited now. The shape and structure is kinda forming in my head, but I want to make it very wholesome too. Something like the one I did for S long back. Aaaaaa. I hope it comes out well!!! Fuck, first time I'm nervous to work on something lmaooo. Hehe. I'm so random

Someone arbitrarily told my mom that I'd be lucky for anyone who is in my life. How sweet yo. Hehe, randomly heard it and idc how esoteric it sounds, it just felt nice. :)

Plus the thought is so nice... I'd love it if my being in someone's life makes a positive impact. ♥️

Emotional safety

"Not a real man".  " You should man up"

Some girl said this to her partner. During a fight. And it made me wonder how it must feel to a guy to hear that. All of these fights are so utterly foreign to me tbh. In that till maybe last year, I didn't even know how to speak up about stuff that bothered me. And now that I do, I still can't imagine a full fledged fight with someone where they yell mean shit at me and I do the same at them. You can't just crush someone with meanness and then claim you love them man. That's just entitlement. And you should not be with anyone who makes you feel so mean either. It's like you are trying to twist that person into what you want them to be and then getting abusive if they aren't. How horrible. It's one thing to be considerate and accomodating but quite another to be abusive. I guess consideration also comes from trust though. I wonder if guys are exposed to this behaviour for long, do they also develop trust issues? Fuck. I never thought about that. Plus, idk they never open up and talk about these things also no. Damn man. I feel v sad thinking of this. I hope noone I know is ever subjected to this bullshit :( Sometimes these boys will never say they were treated badly, and they'll just feel bad by themselves. :( :( Okay that makes me feel sad for reals. Women can be total assholes too I hate these toxic ones that feed on your souls. 

These words seem so harmful and so unhinged to tell someone. Is it sometimes okay to just yell whatever is on your mind? I don't think so. I don't think so at all. I know you can't stop being mad at someone, it happens. But reaching these lows is something I can't fathom. I've hated people who used vulnerabilities as a bargaining chip in fights. It's always a horrible way to harm someone and use their weakness to twist them to do something. Weaponising someone's vulnerabilities to make them do what you want and then labelling that love is so fucked up to me. If you love someone, you protect them, and make sure they feel safe being vulnerable not fucking exploit it to play them like a mandolin. Lived half my friendship with A this way and I low key hate her to this day. Not just hate her but I'm just never going to go back to being friends with her primarily cuz I see her as one of the most toxic women I've known. And it took her husband walking out on her when they were dating and refusing to come back for her to actually even start being considerate. Whatever. Still dislike her and her nasty behaviour. 

It sucks that life gets you to meet people like these and you have to develop an armour of sorts to fight them off. I developed my own defences against A, but I hate how it feels even when you are trying to protect yourself from attacks and the other person just blames you for everything. Fuck, what a nightmare that used to be, and I was so paranoid that if I don't keep her happy she will lash out at me. I am glad I don't talk to her anymore. In fact, I'm glad I'm not around any toxic people anymore. And I'm happier about the fact that they didn't succeed in making my toxic in return lol. Sometimes that can happen too. But I will never ever let myself harm someone this way or use these words like "real man". If I choose you and love you - you are real, wonderful and safe and I would always show you that so you know it deep in your heart that you are cherished. That's a promise. Just please also make me feel valued in return. I also want to feel safe with you. :)

Questions

What does an honest person hate the most?

Their integrity being questioned. 

~

In my experience that holds true. I was thinking about Kramnik and how much he keeps inflicting these horrible allegations towards even kids, people who have worked hard to achieve what they have, only to have an ex fucking champ just piss on them like that. It's neither funny nor decent and just a mark of bad character tbh. 

As much as I like chess, I genuinely have no respect nor regard not any liking for all these chess personalities anymore. In fact the more I see them crying on twitter and wherever, the less I like them. I've always been into sports and I've always had some level of admiration for people in other sports. The Federers of the world...in fact so many tennis players tbh. Whether or not they had great results didn't even matter. As long as they had a certain fight in them, a certain character... I would like and respect them both. But when it comes to chess... I just don't. Most of the top level guys esp are people I absolutely would never ever want to know. Guys like Giri, Hiki, Kramnik yuck. I would actually want to stay as far away as possible from people like these. How absolutely sad is that. 

~

Give me a normal, hard working person any day of the week and I'd be honoured and privileged to know them. 

That's the thing about growing up, you start to actually value the right things once you have your own head on straight. And I would trade a 100 of these asshats without blinking for even a semi boring, but decent person and think it was a great bargain. And it is.  

~

Except Sadler holy crap I love him. Hearing his commentary and he is every bit as kooky as I thought he would be and I absolutely love him. His smartness just shows so easily haha. Just seeing him grimace at some positions and that staid British way of speaking that I'm oh so familiar with hahaha. Fuck. 

Holy crap he is higher rated than Howell too wow. As a fucking hobbyist aaaaa. This world has some insaaanely talented people. 

Lancelot

And Guinevere. 

Two characters that fascinate me. What happens when the boundaries of loyalty are tested? Can you say you love someone if your loyalty is tested? I don't know. I don't set much store by tales. They are always besmirched by retelling and wishful thinking. I don't believe Guinevere loved Arthur. I believe Lancelot did. 

We find ourselves in the midst of a fascinating tale, embellished by the need we have to make Arthur the king of kings. Just because he was a good king, does not make him a good husband. And yet, for men atleast... Those two are equated. So the portrayal of a woman as temptation and a villian because we feel weak when tempted. It's not her fault. So why hate her for it? 

Rise, Sir Lancelot. 

Gladiator

I suddenly remembered that one essay I wrote when I was 14. I wish I could find it. Dayum. All about gladiator from the perspective of Lucilla... About love, lust, vengeance, power and everything between them. 

Fuck. I wish I could find it cuz I only remember it in bits but I remember the interested look my teacher gave me, and proceeded to write a 10/10 on that paper. 

Characters interest me so damn much, I'm completely fascinated by people. 

Respect

Respect is a rare commodity that can only be earned via actions. You can't force someone to respect you. Atmost if you have a deep amount of influence you can get people to fake it. But beyond that, no. 

And that's why many a fragile egos can't stand when they don't get it. Like the musks of the world. Always trying to harm others because they can't deal with the idea that noone likes them. Lol. 

I never thought about the power of being thought of well, but it's like fitness. It can only be attained by putting in the work and lost once you stop. How nice. 

Granny is back home from the hospital. Well, atleast not in a very bad state. Good. Will recover in a day or two as well I suppose. Dad seems relieved. Good. 

Omg so Sadler is a fucking genius, I knew it!!! I had zero clue who he was before starting to see him play, and instantly felt he was incredible. And I'm actually just in love with his playstyle.

Just saw the lichess broadcast announcement now and read some comments about his history and yes holy fuck he is a mega genius and howwww. Left chess for 20 years, came back as a hobbyist and is 2700 fuck. What an epic guy.

I'm so hyped for him to be commentating. 

Promise me

A thought and a wish I want to put out in the universe because it's something beyond my control but I want it nonetheless.

I don't want any guy to make me cry out of disregard or hurt or meanness and things like that ever again. 

I think I've dealt with enough and it needs to stop now. 

Just bring me people who want to make me happy.

Please?

Love

 

People always talk about Rafa but Mirka is the real OG. She is so strong and steady and supportive. I've always seen how fond FedEx is of her, it shows in his tiny gestures. One time I remember he won the wimby I think it was and just was grinning lots and she was walking ahead of him and he just softly pinched her waist. It was such a cute gesture, so utterly affectionate. You could see the years and years of love and commitment in that one Lil thing where that person is also your best friend and you wanna share it with them. I always remember that moment, along with this one. The hug so tight, so filled with love. 

Come to think of it, true loyalty is simply a by product of consideration. You simply won't sell out the people you chose to genuinely care for. Maybe that's why it comes easy to me and the ones it has never been easy for have always been inconsiderate, selfish people.

I've never consciously seen or looked up to any woman as such, but Mirka is one lady I do see a whole lot of me in. Hehe. I need to find my version FedEx someday. Someone who both values me and appreciates me, like he does her. That's the thing about a good man, you never have to feel small or insignificant, he just makes you feel loved. That's what it means to treat her like a queen. It's not keeping her above you, it's appreciating her so she feels secure to love you. Wish more guys out there understood that. 

Waist

My waist is hurting lmao. How. Just how. Need someone to just squeeze me tight lol 

Appreciation

C's bday today. M took him to some place out of town for it. Damn. The world has changed so much. We had a long talk about life and how neither of us have a problem supporting the men in our lives. I know she pays for a lot of stuff since his company hasn't taken off. I really love that man. It was just a few decades ago that women had to even fight to work, and now I see so many of them being primary breadwinners. It's great. New, but great. M also said she doesn't mind being that as she loves him. Its so cool. Finally there isn't any discrimination about this. I was a bit skeptical when he moved in with her, but I see what a great guy he is, how loving, loyal and caring and it's wonderful to see her finally have that stability in her life. I hope things work out well between them. Really do. They are both good for each other, and in the end that's all you need. Everyone I know has such solid values in life man. No matter the circumstances, they never ever dilute them. 

Aaaa. I'm so fucking proud of my friendssssss. They are just epic. ♥️ 

News

Was going through news and saw Neimann won the Grenke Open. My first thought was... Damn did he cheat? Fuck dude. So sad. The choices you make matter so much. I don't even have anything pro or anti this guy, I'm not invested at all in him and yet my first thought simply goes there. I'm sure that the more he wins, the more people will simply assume he cheats or atleast laugh about it that way. 

It's v important how you conduct yourself, what values you align with cuz eventually, over time... I feel like a narrative just builds. It's not even a wrong narrative tbh. It usually just becomes an indicator of the kind of person you are. I realise this more strongly now. Like some of my school group people. Eventually everyone distanced themselves from that one group cuz they felt toxic and only the toxic folks remained friends with each other. Over time, it was just an accepted fact that these guys suck. People you attract and are in your circle are a huge indicator of who you must be as a person. That's why most folks steer clear of Neimann also I presume. 

I don't think even faking it works, so many times I've seen people pretend to be something they are not and just get called out eventually. 

Idk how I feel about Neimann at all. He is like the villian chess didn't really need. It's hard to sympathise with someone when they have been caught cheating. On the other hand, so many others have too, and they never faced the repercussions he did. Like it was a complete circus. But I don't know. Morally, I simply do not align with anyone who cheats, I hate it, I think it's disreputable, disgusting and goes against any fair play instincts I have. Well. Yeah, I don't really give a fuck about this dude either. But the rest of the grown ups didn't conduct themselves any better too. Basically everyone sucks haha. I'm laughing it off but yes, I think that bit is generally true. The more I see the chess world, the less I like it tbh. It's too petty, childish and filled with small dick energy. 

The worst thing about writing someone off - once you make up your mind that this is who they are - it's v rare to change it or to look at them in a different light. And Neimann has become like a protagonist in a Camus book. Tough luck. 

Men

Was talking to both V and A and told them about the dms cussing me out and man, both of them were so angry and so instantly at that. I didn't expect that. My guy friends are just aces dude. Always, always so protective and sweet towards me. Esp words like whore and slut are so shameful and derogatory that they were legit angry hearing that and straight up flared up listening to it. 

Ugh. I haven't experienced a lot of kindness in the last few years and I'd started forgetting how wonderful it feels when you know someone has your back, esp boys. This just pulled me back to the mean. Something about how charged up and defensive they get for you is vvv nice. Guys just do that so directly that there's something v special in that gesture. Like you feel safe with them. I think one of the things that sets men apart in general for me is their character. I always, always notice it. And I'm really lucky to know some v good men. That's one thing I love about the guys I am close friends with, they not only have a good heart, they also know when to stand up for someone and they never hesitate to stand up for women. Respectful, kind, funny and strong.

Their parents did a fantastic job raising them.♥️

Long day but got so much done I feel happy and exhausted. Need a nice cold shower just to feel good but also feeling lazy lmao. Love it! ♥️