Innocence, respect.

I would never want a kid to see their mother insulted. Never. That's the picture that keeps popping into my mind every time I am made to feel unwanted and overlooked. I know how much it scarred me to see my mom not receive love and validation the way she wanted and she spent her life craving it. And I hated my dad for being detached and not showing her affection the way she needed it shown. I still resent him sometimes for it. 

But when I see this image in my mind and imagine if I have a child, I would never ever want the kid to see the father treat their mother with indifference and disrespect or see her hurt and internalise it within themselves and then proceed to get into shit relationships cuz they keep craving love. I won't do that to an innocent soul ever. 

So I guess, keeping this image in mind has to be my pivot going forward. And the choices I make need to stem from me wanting to create a genuine, authentic future. Not be left in the dark, not be left hurting, not be stranded. But actively choose only those whose values I'd like a child to imbibe and how they treat me and how a kid would view that treatment is the focal point I'll keep as my centre from now. Even for myself, I don't want to live with the anxiety of not knowing, or never being asked about etc. It leads to complete emotional starvation to a point where even some small gestures by people end up feeling like a lot when it should be the norm. People who push you to this point will eventually just suck out your life force. They may not be evil but there's so much damage in them that I don't think any amount of love and care will fix it unless they fix it for themselves. That first step has to be internal. Anyway, I will not pass on these horrid ways to anyone ever. And I will do my best for me, and for my future. 

This needs to be my cornerstone.

Meanwhile, I'm going to put my intellect to the test and just go for it. I'm so excited and happy about this new project and I think I'll just kill it. Yum. Time to take up some actual wins. Let's goooooo. 

I'll be Bach

Writhes my soul in pleasure, pain, and exquisite delight.

When Bach comes on at night. 

How is this composition so fuuucking beautiful oh fuck me

Bach G Minor

Heartbreaker

Canon in D has lost its meaning for me lol. Wow, it just started again while I am typing this.  I skipped the prev version and there is it again, mocking me. The universe flipping me off? Maybe. 

It's just turned this song into a painful memory. I hate it when that happens. I guess the pain stems from the memory that was once cherished and sweet. How I hate the grimy world sometimes. But then again, there was so much softness and affection and beauty in this memory once. Maybe someday it'll come back. Music is eternal. 

But if it's for someone else, then it'll be a new song. For sure. The depths of my love and passion shall no man sully lol. 

Fuck you, 

Affectionately yours

Me. 

And the song ends. Why am I smiling? Is that good? 

Goals

Funny is life. I kinda miss caring about someone you know. I think the most happy I feel is when I am actually just in this cozy cocoon where I can keep people I care about close. I'm such a permanent sort of a person that for me keeping someone in my life means a lot. And my love language in parts is definitely acts of service. I think my flight instincts around someone are only triggered when I feel like I'm not valued or appreciated. Like legit the only time I feel like running away from someone is when I feel like that person doesn't have my back or is going to make me feel unwanted. That's the one feeling I have hated all my life, and the only one I wish to avoid. Rest all is cool. 

For me, small tokens of affection matter a lot. Like a few days back, Tejas just followed me on insta..he is like a younger brother, my brother's bestest friend. But just did it random no airs no nothing. And it's a simple gesture but it's a small form of acknowledgement right. I really appreciated that. I guess I'm not someone who looks for big gestures but these tiny ones make me feel secure and that's one thing I always need in life. Anyway he is a sweetie, our Tejas. Saw his face when I was talking to bro. All of them are visiting for his bday it's such a nice gesture. That group has been tight since they were kids and now as adults that friendship is so familial. I'm glad. Bro is a great guy he should always have loving folks around him. ♥️

Ugh. Sent some link to M instead of just being direct and telling him what's on my mind. Can't seem to even form the words to actually tell him why it bothered me so much to read that trash when I did. I guess he doesn't understand the implications or impact of those kinda statement. I can't blame him, he has led a diff life. But just the thought of replacing that word with Indian just annoyed the hell out of me. So many of us migrate to the US. Most of my friend circle is there. All of them have worked hard, paid good money to some of the best schools, carved a career and niche for themselves, pay a fuckton in taxes in Cali. Everything any of us has achieved has been through merit and merit alone. The idea of whittling them down to shitty stereotypes is so fucking insulting. Noone has ever needed or wanted to do some cheap shit like using dating as a means to an end. Noone has to, they are capable of getting jobs in any part of the world and they work so immensely hard to attain all of that. And it's just so fucking insulting to insinuate otherwise. That's the bit M doesn't get. I'm sure it's an honest oversight on his part. But why doesn't he realise that shit that gets said around him at the end of the day ends up being a reflection of him? It's like he is so naive about certain things. Fuck dude. And I don't really know how to tell him because idk. It's so icky. These are things people should realise on their own. People say that shit around him cuz I think they believe he is okay with it. The same crowd I've seen on so many other channels and they never behave that way but with him it's like all gloves are off. Ugh. Maybe I should tell him idk. Or maybe he gets it, hope he does. 

Mystery

Learning about plotting a mystery novel and one cool insight was so write from the pov of the villian and consider the readers as detectives. That's actually so true. Part of why I always hated Sherlock was cuz Doyle simply made him into a superhuman and never actually gave any decent clues to readers, making stuff impossible to solve. I remember how completely frustrated I used to be with his books and couldn't figure why people liked to just gawk at his brilliance when in fact you never had a chance against him lol. Good to know I was right now haha. But fun. I'm actually really enjoying learning about this. Don't get too much time but carving out an hour at night for lectures and such. How cool would it be if I can actually create something like a puzzle box? I'd love this, honest. Omg. Excited asf. I actually think I can do this. 

Blegh

If there was one thing I could eradicate in this universe, it's not mosquitoes it's pms. Fuck. 4 days to periods and already my uterus is wearing against me. Ffs. 

The Chronicles of Amber

Need to check this series out. I'm rediscovering my love for fantasy novels and it is DELIGHTFUL. 

Pineapples

I can sing this. And make it seductive asf

"Somewhere in South End when you were fun

You took my hand and you made me run

Up past the prison to the seafront

You climbed the cliff edge and took the plunge

Why can't we laugh now like we did then?

How come I see you and ache instead?

How come you only look pleased in bed?

Let's climb the cliff edge and jump again

Pineapples are in my head

(Pineapples are in my head)

Got nobody 'cause I'm brain dead

(Got nobody 'cause I'm brain dead"

Something about these beats make me want to wear a Santa skirt and cat ears and look someone dead in the eye through my smoky, shimmery eyeliner and sing it to him. 

Hot summary day and I'm so happy to just wear a dress and chill hehe. Something about the feel of cotton on skin is so nice. 

Ediz Gurel

Ediz Gurel made GM wuuuut... Omg. I'm actually happy for the kid. Got super excited seeing that, Dayum. My first instinct was to text this dude then I remembered everything and didn't. Wtf yo. Ugh. Lol. Okay forget it. Just remember that cold hearted "feel better", and the fact that he didn't flinch while hurting you, easier to deal lolol. People who are kind and empathetic are worth their weight in gold, rest is all bullshit. And as you grow older, you realise that decency, honesty, respect are values that can't be taught, they are inherent. And let's be honest. Even if it's not racism, at the end of the day you were the one that took a shot on him after that post accused him of shitty things, you spent time and energy trying to make him feel better, you have never once asked for anything except one book reco atmost and you've always been supportive and kind. The right sort of person has the maturity to understand  and appreciate these things and they won't just be cruel and dismissive towards you in return. Something that should have made him happy... Instead made him chicken out and try to find excuses. Just means that he doesn't mind using your niceness but can't offer any in return, not even once. Even if not race driven, it's still rock bottom behaviour and he should be ashamed of himself. So idk, shitty as it is, accept that this is who he is. People who view women as suspicious... Like he and his friend do... Will never learn to appreciate any one being good to them but rather just look for reasons real or fantasy to discredit and demean them. Which is what he did to you. There's no value in that. His friend ironically is a lot nicer and kinder to the girl he is seeing. Maybe in the long run, he will turn out right and fix himself. I hope he does. I believe people can do the right thing, but they have to learn to themselves. It's possible that someone screwed over M and he has trust issues, but I'm not the one who caused it and it's unfair that I pay the price. I'm just someone who happened to meet someone and was nice to him from the get go, not my fault what happened prior to knowing me, and not my burden to bear here. Everything else is just noise. Even now, I'm operating out of kindness and consideration and not malice. I've never bad mouthed him to anyone nor will I, but I owe it to myself to only have people who treat me well in my life. I guess I do have empathy for him, all things considered. Anyway, these sad notes need to end once and for all now. Enough. Onwards and upwardssss.

I have been lucky and cherished most of my life so that's something to definitely be grateful for. I'm glad I've had positive experiences tbh. Maybe that's why it's taking me so long to admit the truth to myself. My mind refuses to believe that someone can be so bad towards me and keeps looking for loopholes to excuse their behaviour. Hmmm. 

Eff it. I will never end up with a narcissist nor will I end up with someone who treats me badly ever. Friendship or otherwise. Gotta release that fear once and for all. It happened once, it won't happen again and the fear is just exaggeration in my mind because of its aftermath. No need to worry, I've always known how to have my own back when push comes to shove so it's okay, I'll be fine. Going forward, shite will not happen to me. 

Anyhoo...But good for you lil kid, I'd spammed your cute small face to humanize you haha. Would love to see more of you in years to come! ♥️

Started playing rapid. Oh the horror. So painful every loss is. Tried ranking few games just to get used to losing lol. Counter the fearrr

Shitposting

 “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”

This is by far a stupid fucking quote but just imagining Steve Martin saying it and I can't stop laughing. Fuckz. 

Going for a comedy show soon woohoo. Hope it's good. Need some laughs zomggggg

Talking to Di and it seems she almost ODed on some prescription meds wtf. What even is that fuck?! I'm glad she is safe. This is horrid. How does a medical practitioner just prescribe this. Plus opioids in the meds too. Man, medication in the US is crazy strong. I felt like scolding her lots too who tf takes that many pills? PhD from and Ivy uni and doing this bs. Lol. My friends are all loco. Ffs. 

Was on a call with her for hours, it's nice we have found our groove. I like talking lots so it's kinda fun to just bs late night hehe. Been urging me to go date people I'm so in hermit mode I just escaped that convo lol. Gotta protect myself lmao. Man, idk if I'll ever like someone again, people have been guttingly disappointing that I've just got a bit of a fear now. Well, it'll lift someday. Just takes someone being nice and sweet to counter all else I guess. Or atleast that's the hope. 

Oo and women's day today. Lol only mom wishes noone else cares about these days.

Bro's bday on the 9th. Omg. He is turning 30. Dayum man. Hehe, I love him so much. That ass is sending me skincareover30 links hahaha. I want to go visit him soon too. Been ages since I saw him. ♥️ 

The first person I have been protective of in my life, and one that I will always be. Forever. 

👾

Watching the starry sky set to Emancipator

How utterly gorgeous. I love night time. I love the stars. And I secretly wish a nice lil alien would come befriend me. Take me away, we can float along the edge of the universe. Don't be shy lil guy. I know not how to bite. 

Naivety

My friend says I'm just v naive. I think it's true. Like. Idk man. I think I'm just a horrible judge of character and have some weird tendency to see the best in people. I'm not sure what to do but it does nothing for my trust issues lol. Maybe need to have better filters but I don't really know how to create them. 

You know. My friends have such a harsh take on M. Say he is sexist, possibly racist etc. and I don't know dude. Like I don't want to be the kind of person who has to think these thoughts about someone. But at the back of my mind it's always striking my that his bff is a guy who calls black folks racist slurs and he chooses to hang out with him constantly. And my friends say it's just birds of a feather and that they might actually be very similar if they are friends. Which is usually true right. I mean, I wouldn't be friends with someone who degrades people unless I also enjoy doing the same. So idk what to think. And what that girl said... Maybe that's how they view women from other countries too right. I just never realised that might be how he must see me. Wow. Lol. This realisation just makes me sick to my stomach. 

Lol. All this is so sad man. And after all the care and affection I felt for him, it's just a bad taste in the end. I'm done getting my feelings hurt though. And honestly if someone has these racist notions towards me, they can fuck off. I don't need this demeaning, degrading shit in my life. It feels like the casteism that happens in India. Just feels so utterly gross. How can the spectrum for a person just be such that I can't actually find one single nice thing he has said or done for me? And it extends from this much pettiness to idk racism straight up?! That's not good. Much like his friend, he will consistently screw over people who had his back. Or maybe that's limited to just screwing over women. Even his friend has some severe issues with women despite the fact that it was a woman who raised him and his dad fucked him over. I don't think it's worth it in the end to just get screwed over the way he did me. And for no reason. He isn't the person I thought he was and being mean comes so easy to him that in the end he will never have my back. Actually no, I trust that he would screw me over and never come through even once. Lol. In that he has been nothing but consistent. Ironically, exactly like his friend who he holds dear. The guy who didn't hesitate to come by and openly talk about hitting on minors a day after that shitshow long back - just to taunt him and make fun of him in public, who denies knowing him to his racist buddies and in general hides the fact that he knows him to actual people he knows irl is his bff. One that openly tells an entire crowd of folks that his friends don't like him and think he is exploitative. All of which is just vindictive and deliberate. Karma. You hide the people who actually were loyal to you and the ones who aren't, are your closest friends. Lol. Well, good for you. 

In the end, it's who you chose, so good luck. 🤷‍♀️ And who you choose is always a reflection of who you are at the end of the day. So idk. Mirror mirror I suppose.

Meh... I'm not going to sit and sweat this any longer tbh. People always have a choice to do the right thing or not to do it and eventually you just gotta find ones who make the right choice for you. And I don't need the ones who don't. I don't care anymore.