Finally that feeling of surrealness has left me. Feeling a sense of normalcy. I wish I could explain to M why I freaked out the way I did, but I simply don't know how to. It must have come as such a random surprise. But idk man, I think this online world and people who inhabit it are so different from who I am, and the conversation I had with his friend just made me realise how absolutely, stunningly different my life is, and it just suddenly hit me that people seem a certain way, until they don't. Like he was very nice to me but the stuff he shared about himself in general was so reckless, that when I thought about it later, it made me very uneasy. The incessant obsession with sex and this view I've seen most people online have of women just registers to me as objects. Idk, do all guys see women just as bodies to bang? Even the women seem to act like that ffs. That one lady that's just constantly harassing M, she is not even young, late 20s and still just keeps on sexualising him. Idk. Whatever happened to sex being a private thing between two people? And somewhere in that conversation with his friend it just started nagging at me that I actually don't know M at all, beyond his one persona and the fact that I trust him implicitly based on just that much info made me flip out cuz trust is so important to me. I'm sure he isn't a bad person at all, but I shouldn't be sure of that about anyone if there isn't an actual personal connect. Lol. I think I should have found a decent articulation of it instead of just dumping some emotional stuff the way I did. Or waited until I had clarity on what exactly was it that I was looking for.
But it's okay, maybe someday I can explain. In the meantime, I think it's best I don't talk to people other than him, some of the lines his friend said greatly disturbed me. Even in jest, it felt like it was crossing a line. Esp as I kept saying I like someone as a shield. I think I have to be more mindful of my generic curiosity about people. I tend to get carried away in my quest to understand folks in the moment and then process later. And have a delayed reaction. Like after I figured my stance, it made me not even open his texts from that week onwards. Feels so bitchy to do that but I don't have the energy to deal with that volume of sexual escapades. And it wouldn't be right to tell someone I barely know that their choices come across as very reckless to me. Or that they are making statements that make me want to wrap a blanket around myself. I don't judge the way someone chooses to live their life, but I can't live mine that way, or dilute my values when something makes me feel uncomfortable. And I will never get drawn into that zone, it's simply not me. Plus I know they are friends, and I don't like having to say things behind one person's back so I don't know if I can tell M how weirded out I got or why.
Hmm. The worst part of it was how I got so paranoid thinking what if M also has these same views? I haven't once sensed it on him but they are friends and it made me so uneasy at that time to think of this even as a remote possibility. Maybe this is what he meant when he said I don't understand the things he has seen in his profession. If he deals with this stuff incessantly, then I don't even know what to say to that. Must be tough asf.
In this dream I was stuck in an art class where the assignment was to make something inspired by the phrase 'shades of indigo'. Me and some guy on my table were both stuck on it and then as we were brooding I was thinking I'll make a colour wheel then hated the idea. Finally I thought I'll make a stadium with a pitch and show a sea of fans in indigo colours yelling, and celebrating and the pitch has the same team colour players scoring a goal or runs depending on the sport I pick.
While this was going on in my head, the dude on my table just painted two happy ducks running in a backyard in watercolour in my book and gave them to me lmao
That was legit sweet and now I want to paint ducks.
Finally liking chess more. It's nice. Actually understanding some stuff. Now I just have to dig deep and start playing longer games. It's fun too, thinking about it in a modular way is helping understand that each move is a problem set and suddenly able to visualise too. Just gotta stop being too fast but I guess that will come with practice. I think what I love most is how it just brutally takes me out of my comfort zone. Feel bad short term but the end of each session feels quite rewarding. Quite exhausting too lol. But yaay. Finally!
I was having such a nice dream. Inside this ancient house built overlooking two rivers merging and a cold valley on one side. A caretaker just gave me a tour and the nature was spectacular. Also, oddly I remember a sitting area because it had Prussian blue walls and they were such a vivid colour that I loved it. Everytime I would switch off a light, a new one would switch on. Like those puzzles. There was a map to the house that was embedded in one of the windowsills. I also remember taking a picture of the valley through the window. Oh man that stillness and that view was so incredible. Overlooking these 2-3 tiers of settlements and culminating in a deep river ravine at the bottom. Loved it. Aaaah. I want to snooze agaiiiin.
Oh and I told myself I won't nag M but I saw one of his reels where he is hobbling/wincing again and couldn't stop myself from reminding him to go to the doc lol. To my credit I didn't say it immediately. If I tell the other M, she would just be mad at me and I'll get an instant scolding lmao. I don't think she has a high opinion of him or likes him very much ☠️
But I guess, in my own way I want him to feel cared for. I know it's a small thing to ask and such, but he just seems like such a baby to me sometimes. Like very innocent. And just draws out my protective instincts in full force somehow. Esp with all that gruffness lol, too adorable. Whatever, I don't mind doing my bit even if M thinks it's stupid of me to. I don't think caring for someone should be conditional on them doing the same for you anyway cuz it's just transaction otherwise. For this, I'll bear her scoldings with good grace.
Dad moved to Leh today. Lol, I barely even knew his travel plans. So disconnected. All my life I've only avoided both my parents cuz all I felt was them extracting something out of me emotionally. Both for different reasons, but my god they were so emotionally tyrannical growing up. Dad's only focus was how well I do at studies. I don't even recall any memory of him until I was 14 and he suddenly appeared to dictate my choices. I think half my life was just a battle resisting his control and the other half was escaping my mom's emotional assualt. Man, I used to feel so trapped. In my own head. Like this feeling of helplessness where I'm stuck in place and other people are constantly eroding and snatching away what I hold dear.
Now that I'm away from their influence, I realise I'm such a different person. I also realise how much of their behaviour impacted my self worth. Lol, I don't think I had any. Like I remember once when I was 21, and A was with me. He used to be very aware of my reactions, and someone said something that pinched and he caught a drop in my guard. He asked me later that night what was up. And I remember my instant need to deny anything happened with the line " no nothing, it's not important". The thing he said next always stayed with me. " If you felt it, why isn't it important? Ofcourse it is." I know many normal folks would never see this as anything out of the ordinary, but it was legit the first time in my life I was even aware that my feelings matter. And it took me years from that night to actually internalise it. I suddenly thought of it now cuz my body hurts and in general I'm feeling irritable, and my mum just kept talking to me. She does this weird thing where she just keeps talking and doesn't even wait for my response or even care about it. And I'm in pain, and I'm just saying hmmm and she doesn't even notice. And all I was doing was trying to hide my reaction and pretend to listen, while wanting to internally just yell. Like if I'm in pain and the other person doesn't even notice? Tf is that? I hate it. It's like parent 1 is so self involved that all they think about is themselves and there's no room for you, and parent 2 is so detached that unless you do what they want, they'd simply not talk to you.
Idk man, I don't want this to be a habit. I want to matter to people and I want to know that for sure. Without being silly and needy and fearful about it. I want to know how you can determine that people have your best interests and are caring? It doesn't help that my instincts and values are aligned in a way that are of benefit to others more than me and I undercut myself because it's my blind spot.
What metric should be applied? A few weeks back M told me he hides his real self and waits to see who takes the time to get to know him. Maybe there's merit in that, but in the end he is so guarded that I'm not sure if he misses out on people who could be good for him. Plus it's not my personality trait to be this cautious, so I need something that works for someone direct like me. I just have no patience also man. Fuck. I can't actually imagine having to keep a ledger and notes on who did how much for me. It just feels like such a task to keep score like that.
Ugh. Idk. How do I solve this puzzle?
Well, I'll try my best to get some balance here. And all said and done, I'm done being influenced by my parents' issues and I'm done being taken for granted and I'm done making room for folks who are only takers. Even talking to Divya that day just helped deepen that feeling. So idk, I guess people do have to earn the right to be in my life henceforth too. And I guess I have to pick ones who show that to me genuinely and honestly. For once, I trust that I'll be able to.
Heard a lecture on him cuz couldn't sleep. It's fascinating how that man could identify problems and then come to the absolute wrong conclusions. Egomaniacal twat.
Now I hate him more. Suck it.
Was talking to S last night. I love her to bits but I cannot understand the choices my lady makes. How can you possibly trade in your independence the way she did? I truly don't get it. Such regressive choices women make, just because they don't want to work hard. How can it ever be worth it? Just living out a life with someone else's rules because security. There's a whole world out there which you can attain by yourself and yet you settle for this. I love you S, I do. But fuck. Yucks.
Hmmm but to be fair. Different life experiences do dictate choices. My own parents had such an awful marriage that I hated the notion of it forever, until I worked it out and made my peace with it. But it was so scarring. And the idea of being trapped with someone because you are dependent on them is so abhorrent to me. Or the perpetual loneliness of being with a partner that doesn't fulfill your needs. Esp now when I've finally gained a measure of peace and control over my own reactions, I think the most valuable lesson it taught me was that in any relationship - love, respect and consideration has to be paramount. Everything else is just a recipe for disaster. Even these folks I see who marry cuz they are scared to be alone or are in relationships that are half baked. Are they really happy? Or can they just pretend to be? Or they cheat like some sad losers. Idk man.
When I was a kid, my folks used to label me a rebel. What they didn't realise is that even as a child I wanted to make undiluted decisions, ones that are right and fair. It wasn't rebellion, it was my right as a person to be able to choose my life path. But Asian parenting. What can you say? I think I have the same approach to love too, in that I don't think I can make that decision for anything other than pure love for a person, no more, no less. Hmmm. Guess that's why I've always loved Cordelia, she was the one character that reflected my heart. I would do exactly as she did, and then get punished for it and bear it, without resorting to retaliation. That's actually pretty much been my life so far too. And like her, I've never uttered the word 'love' lightly. Even if I say it in jest, there will be an element of truth in it directed at the person I say it to. Plus she was proud and stubborn just like me haha. Even our vices are similar.
Lol, who would have thought I'd find a mirror in King Lear, but I guess even he got something right. I kid, I'm sure he is great, everyone seems to say so.
One day, I'll read him good.
Until then swoon
