Life Update

Finally that feeling of surrealness has left me. Feeling a sense of normalcy. I wish I could explain to M why I freaked out the way I did, but I simply don't know how to. It must have come as such a random surprise. But idk man, I think this online world and people who inhabit it are so different from who I am, and the conversation I had with his friend just made me realise how absolutely, stunningly different my life is, and it just suddenly hit me that people seem a certain way, until they don't. Like he was very nice to me but the stuff he shared about himself in general was so reckless, that when I thought about it later, it made me very uneasy. The incessant obsession with sex and this view I've seen most people online have of women just registers to me as objects. Idk, do all guys see women just as bodies to bang? Even the women seem to act like that ffs. That one lady that's just constantly harassing M, she is not even young, late 20s and still just keeps on sexualising him. Idk. Whatever happened to sex being a private thing between two people? And somewhere in that conversation with his friend it just started nagging at me that I actually don't know M at all, beyond his one persona and the fact that I trust him implicitly based on just that much info made me flip out cuz trust is so important to me. I'm sure he isn't a bad person at all, but I shouldn't be sure of that about anyone if there isn't an actual personal connect. Lol. I think I should have found a decent articulation of it instead of just dumping some emotional stuff the way I did. Or waited until I had clarity on what exactly was it that I was looking for. 

But it's okay, maybe someday I can explain. In the meantime, I think it's best I don't talk to people other than him, some of the lines his friend said greatly disturbed me. Even in jest, it felt like it was crossing a line. Esp as I kept saying I like someone as a shield. I think I have to be more mindful of my generic curiosity about people. I tend to get carried away in my quest to understand folks in the moment and then process later. And have a delayed reaction. Like after I figured my stance, it made me not even open his texts from that week onwards. Feels so bitchy to do that but I don't have the energy to deal with that volume of sexual escapades. And it wouldn't be right to tell someone I barely know that their choices come across as very reckless to me. Or that they are making statements that make me want to wrap a blanket around myself. I don't judge the way someone chooses to live their life, but I can't live mine that way, or dilute my values when something makes me feel uncomfortable. And I will never get drawn into that zone, it's simply not me. Plus I know they are friends, and I don't like having to say things behind one person's back so I don't know if I can tell M how weirded out I got or why. 

Hmm. The worst part of it was how I got so paranoid thinking what if M also has these same views? I haven't once sensed it on him but they are friends and it made me so uneasy at that time to think of this even as a remote possibility. Maybe this is what he meant when he said I don't understand the things he has seen in his profession. If he deals with this stuff incessantly, then I don't even know what to say to that. Must be tough asf.