Determining care

Dad moved to Leh today. Lol, I barely even knew his travel plans. So disconnected. All my life I've only avoided both my parents cuz all I felt was them extracting something out of me emotionally. Both for different reasons, but my god they were so emotionally tyrannical growing up. Dad's only focus was how well I do at studies. I don't even recall any memory of him until I was 14 and he suddenly appeared to dictate my choices. I think half my life was just a battle resisting his control and the other half was escaping my mom's emotional assualt. Man, I used to feel so trapped. In my own head. Like this feeling of helplessness where I'm stuck in place and other people are constantly eroding and snatching away what I hold dear. 

Now that I'm away from their influence, I realise I'm such a different person. I also realise how much of their behaviour impacted my self worth. Lol, I don't think I had any. Like I remember once when I was 21, and A was with me. He used to be very aware of my reactions, and someone said something that pinched and he caught a drop in my guard. He asked me later that night what was up. And I remember my instant need to deny anything happened with the line " no nothing, it's not important". The thing he said next always stayed with me. " If you felt it, why isn't it important? Ofcourse it is." I know many normal folks would never see this as anything out of the ordinary, but it was legit the first time in my life I was even aware that my feelings matter. And it took me years from that night to actually internalise it. I suddenly thought of it now cuz my body hurts and in general I'm feeling irritable, and my mum just kept talking to me. She does this weird thing where she just keeps talking and doesn't even wait for my response or even care about it. And I'm in pain, and I'm just saying hmmm and she doesn't even notice. And all I was doing was trying to hide my reaction and pretend to listen, while wanting to internally just yell. Like if I'm in pain and the other person doesn't even notice? Tf is that? I hate it. It's like parent 1 is so self involved that all they think about is themselves and there's no room for you, and parent 2 is so detached that unless you do what they want, they'd simply not talk to you.

Idk man, I don't want this to be a habit. I want to matter to people and I want to know that for sure. Without being silly and needy and fearful about it. I want to know how you can determine that people have your best interests and are caring? It doesn't help that my instincts and values are aligned in a way that are of benefit to others more than me and I undercut myself because it's my blind spot.

What metric should be applied? A few weeks back M told me he hides his real self and waits to see who takes the time to get to know him. Maybe there's merit in that, but in the end he is so guarded that I'm not sure if he misses out on people who could be good for him. Plus it's not my personality trait to be this cautious, so I need something that works for someone direct like me. I just have no patience also man. Fuck. I can't actually imagine having to keep a ledger and notes on who did how much for me. It just feels like such a task to keep score like that. 

Ugh. Idk. How do I solve this puzzle?

Well, I'll try my best to get some balance here. And all said and done, I'm done being influenced by my parents' issues and I'm done being taken for granted and I'm done making room for folks who are only takers. Even talking to Divya that day just helped deepen that feeling. So idk, I guess people do have to earn the right to be in my life henceforth too. And I guess I have to pick ones who show that to me genuinely and honestly. For once, I trust that I'll be able to.