Choices

Was talking to S last night. I love her to bits but I cannot understand the choices my lady makes. How can you possibly trade in your independence the way she did? I truly don't get it. Such regressive choices women make, just because they don't want to work hard. How can it ever be worth it? Just living out a life with someone else's rules because security. There's a whole world out there which you can attain by yourself and yet you settle for this. I love you S, I do. But fuck. Yucks. 

Hmmm but to be fair. Different life experiences do dictate choices. My own parents had such an awful marriage that I hated the notion of it forever, until I worked it out and made my peace with it. But it was so scarring. And the idea of being trapped with someone because you are dependent on them is so abhorrent to me. Or the perpetual loneliness of being with a partner that doesn't fulfill your needs. Esp now when I've finally gained a measure of peace and control over my own reactions, I think the most valuable lesson it taught me was that in any relationship - love, respect and consideration has to be paramount. Everything else is just a recipe for disaster. Even these folks I see who marry cuz they are scared to be alone or are in relationships that are half baked. Are they really happy? Or can they just pretend to be? Or they cheat like some sad losers. Idk man. 

When I was a kid, my folks used to label me a rebel. What they didn't realise is that even as a child I wanted to make undiluted decisions, ones that are right and fair. It wasn't rebellion, it was my right as a person to be able to choose my life path. But Asian parenting. What can you say? I think I have the same approach to love too, in that I don't think I can make that decision for anything other than pure love for a person, no more, no less. Hmmm. Guess that's why I've always loved Cordelia, she was the one character that reflected my heart. I would do exactly as she did, and then get punished for it and bear it, without resorting to retaliation. That's actually pretty much been my life so far too. And like her, I've never uttered the word 'love' lightly. Even if I say it in jest, there will be an element of truth in it directed at the person I say it to. Plus she was proud and stubborn just like me haha. Even our vices are similar.

Lol, who would have thought I'd find a mirror in King Lear, but I guess even he got something right. I kid, I'm sure he is great, everyone seems to say so. 

One day, I'll read him good. 

Until then swoon