Rant

I'm so mad and angry rn. Dad is sick, he refuses to go to the hospital. Won't listen. Now I might have to travel to his town and get him to go. Atleast to make sure he is fine. Mom is just constantly doing mom things. Far be it for her to notice how I feel. Have to take her to the US Embassy too in a few days so that's another few days of travel. I'm so so so sick of being the one who has to constantly care about everyone. Noone even asks me how I'm doing. Not even once. Noone gives a shit how they impact me ever. It's like I just don't exist beyond what people can extract out of me. I feel so so so so miserable atm. 

Man, I rarely ask anyone for anything but just every once in a while I wish someone would just coddle me and make me feel nice. I feel shitty even saying that cuz it feels like it's not meant for me.

Fuck it, I'm just gonna go cry for a bit. 

Ah yes, right on cue just send me this. I'll just press mute 😡

Unreal

UN - FUCKING - REAL

But why would you listen? I only ask ten times a day cuz I don't care obviously. Go and play more. Play for 10 hours straight. " Maybe " it seems. Gah! 

What is it with men and their stubbornness. I want to rant at you so badly rn. But what do you care what I think. 🙄 

Aaaaahhhh. Sometimes I wish I could just scold you lots, you just love being difficult don't you?  Istg I wanna sit you down and just ask whyyyy. I hate how worried I get about you. You don't even understand though and why would you? I hate seeing you in pain. I HATE IT. It's my fault only for giving a fuck. Go show off to ladies about your movie knowledge, I'm sure they would love it. See if I give a shit. 

Fml. I'm so mad rn I feel like yelling and crying both. And to throw some tennis balls at you. 

Un- fucking- real!!

Thinking and Talking

Last night I couldn't sleep and started thinking about how you entered my life so suddenly. Bits of it felt so overwhelming at first. But now I'm really glad we know each other. Guess that's why I'm taking my time and sticking around you as well. Ever since I've been around you, lots of things have kinda changed for me and well, I get the feeling maybe they have for you too? You are definitely very different from how you were when I first came around, showing your solid sides a lot more. Idk why but I got the feeling that you did that on purpose. Either way it's nice. To think I almost quit and left not once but twice. Around the time you had that one month long sulk. Felt too surreal. Plus with all the other stuff that used to happen around you, I figured you weren't someone who cares about anyone. I definitely didn't think you cared about me at all. Hmmm. Not sure if you do now either actually. Lol. But that's okay, it's a filter of mine that exists for a reason. I have learnt the hard way that I need to protect myself. 

Oh well, if I act silly then just call me out on it. I hope you've realised you have the right. Then again, you are a man. Realising things are not their forte, is it? Lolol jibesss! 

I like hearing your perspective. What you texted today was interesting. Ugh, I want to call and speak lol, but I need you to initiate that part to be honest. I need to know for sure that I'm imp to you too and it needs to be direct, no games and hustles. So I'll leave this to you, your turn. At the end of the day, it's one of the things that's important to me to know, and I guess that's fine. I don't think I'm very demanding or fussy so if I need this then I need this. 🤷‍♀️ Actually, I wonder how you'll even go about it if you have to. I'm sure you are so used to getting people to do what you want that your instincts would be to point me in that direction. I want to see if you can actually be...idk humble isn't the right word but... Like if you are comfortable giving the other person importance directly. I don't think  it comes easily to you. But any strong equation needs that, so you'll have to figure it out. Lopsided mocks are not my thing.  Sometimes I wonder if it's a fear of yours. Hmmm, oh well. Ponderings for another time. 

Anyway, the longer you take, the more ammo I have to nicely nag you someday for taking so long, wait and see. Hehe. 

Drinking

I actually haven't had any casually. Surprisingly it feels nice. And I don't miss it. Interesting. I didn't realise how easy it was to just have a drink or two in a week if you felt like it. Now that I'm not, it actually feels better. How cool.

I think I'll stick to this long term. Man, made so many changes these last few years. Sometimes it's hard to understand their impact short term but after few months or a year it just hits you. I like it. Reinventing for the win. Can't believe what a shitty place I was in a few years back. Felt like everything had hit full stop. I felt nothing. Glad that phase is over. 

Now my vices are stupid things like sleeping in too much lol. Nothing like taking a nice shower, putting on a nice smelling lotion and then climbing into bed in your panties and a t shirt. Something about clean sheets on bare skin feels so soothing. I can feel it rn, good threadcount sheets for the win.  

Oh and gossip girl reruns. My other hidden vice. I was watching an ep today and I actually like Chuck. I see a lot of me in him, despite the caricaturish portrayal. Always loyal, took care of everyone, had his friends' backs, fought his demons and was always reliable for people he cared about. And how sick it made him to realise he is a romantic haha. That always gets me, I was exactly as disgusted when I realised I'm one too. It's weird how these random bs shows get something right but it gets so lost in the noise. And how they have a tendency to show all shitty characters as likeable.  Perception. I hated Blair so much lol. That back stabby, insecure character. Funnily enough A liked her and she was exactly like her. Haha. Her perception was that Blair was caring. She thought I was like Serena too. Lmao I don't sleep with friend's bfs or crushes A, you did that to me. But I am kind, or atleast I try to be. We were such kids though, stupid shit happened. Sometimes I wonder if we could ever be friends again. We were so close for a decade. But I just can't do that again. And I'm a lot more vocal about what bothers me now, so I don't think you'd be able to deal with that either. Man, was I henpecked or what. I guess out of all the people I chose to detach from, you are probably the only one I do still care about A. But I don't see myself reconnecting with you. I don't get it. I don't get why I feel such unconditional care towards you. You were like a sister to me. I think even you know that. That night when you called me after your cousin passed away, you told me I was the only person you wanted to talk to. I'm glad I could be there. And I will always be there I suppose. Think we both will pull through if the other needs it. But not daily, for that you will need to change lots. So maybe it's best this way. Okay blah, I don't wanna think about this anymore. Back to loving comfy sheets and feeling cozy. 

Listening to: Oh Cherie - New Young Pony Club

Fuck chess

Studied, tried to play and lost on time. I hate this game so much ಠ⁠︵⁠ಠ

Singing

 ... songs for other ladies huh? 🙃 She's a gem and it's very cute but I gotta say...Pinches my heart just a teeny bit. ;) 

der Student

Finally decided to start doing a bit of study yesterday. I'm so sick of being a shitty player ugh. MAYBE I'LL LEARN SOMETHING. 

Hopefully playing over the board helps me with visualisation. As I was setting this up, I implicitly understood the whole space advantage concept, and the value of tempo. Last time I saw that play out was in one of M's clips where just that lack of one move made it possible for him to win. 

Hmm, I wonder if D4 players have to think about tempo as much as gambiteers. It feels like in D4 the game actually starts kinda lazy and then post move 10 or so is when people actually start longer thinks. I think I tend to equate openings cuz in my head it just feels like it doesn't matter what you play as long as you can develop the ability to calculate. But that's mostly easier said than done and lack of experience on my part. 

Anyway, let me aim at understanding atleast one chapter at a time and mix it up with some older games. Nice, I can try to articulate and write down my learnings here, might give me some clarity of thought. 

Ps - is it irrational of me to be irritated at that queen not being in the centre of the box? It bothers me so much lol. As I type this I'm getting incessant spam of insta reels and ngl I want to yell. How do people spend all day just watching reels man? 1-3 maybe but like spamming it for hours and it's the same bs and it's so generic like how does your brain not rot? I just hate this and fuck, I actually want to snap lol. A part of me hates people who choose not to think and have no interests or curiosity. What's even the point in being so comatose like ffs make an effort somewhere! 

Okay tangential rant over. Bek to chessings.

Lady friends for the win.

I like slow days where you can have bs convos like these 

The adage that goes... with friends like these

A few jibes to start the day with. Lmaooo

Just for the record: I AM CALM ASF! 

Need some second and third opinion for reals lmao. Imma ask di and raves too. For diversity. Would ask M but he won't answer that mostly. Which shoooould make agitated, but it DOES NOT. 🤺 

Hehe he is such a serious person all the time, makes me want to act all goofy to see if he laughs. 🤭

Feels like

I've changed a lil bit. And in a good way. I like it. The knots have untangled. 

Lightning bolts and a dash of Canon in D. 

Dream Journal - 3

Looool. This one was fun. You were sitting around sighing in a dramatic way, putting your feet up, and generally acting cute. You knewwww you were being filmed and had a slight smile while putting up a show for the camera. Bet you knew exactly what you were doing. Hahhaha. This was adorable! 

And for some reason I was more concerned with your apparatus cuz it wasn't making sense to me how the camera is moving so even in my own dream I was curious as to how things are happening. Sometimes I think I'm a total weirdo lolol. 

Point to note: I like how I'm so comfortable with not being the highlight in my OWN GODDAMN DREAM. Explains why I hated theatre class and acting. Good lord, idk how people do it. I'd rather just be the show creator, and not the participant. Spotlights 🚫

🙄

I told myself I won't engage and I won't but ffs " Catch of the century " my ass. Dear darling lady, I know you mean well but quality folks don't choose to actively destroy other people's lives and then act like some desperate, self obsessed lunatic. The problem with folks like that is that in their narrative, they are always the victims. 

But then again idk, it seems like this person has some personality disorder of sorts. The behaviour is a bit too unhinged, especially as they aren't young. Even 20yos show a better grip on reality to be honest. Hmmm. Actually, this kinda makes me think. I noticed the constant need for attention, the random lying to make it seem like the person who told her to leave him alone actually wants her, the incessant baiting and what not. And at that age you don't date married folks unless you simply can't find someone else. Like susceptible women do the married fiascos only when they are 21-22ish and are basically kids who get swept away. Idk why but I feel like the dude might also be a lot older. Somehow that just fits. People similar in age won't fall for this act, I'm sure of that. It's really weird tbh. The entire persona seems so made up. I guess anonymity maybe makes people pretend? Idk. But folks who actually get attention don't need to vie for it this way, they simply get it without trying. Even the name is designed to stand out, isn't it? Or throwing different personalities at the wall, to see which works and gets a response. 

Hmmm. Man, my spidey senses just go into overdrive everytime I see that person. At first I thought it was just dislike for their actions but the more I see it, that weird ability to just make up a story without any thought for consequences gives me the creeps. 

Lol, M - I truly hope you know what you are doing. I'm not going to tell you any of this openly, cuz it might sound like I'm being petty. But I'm not, something just doesn't add up correctly here and I'm not sure what that is. I know you are smart, but people who find it that easy to lie will not hesitate to make stuff up about you if it suits them. I hope you know that. 

Hedonism

Found this 

Oh to be the young wildling I used to be. There's something about heavy riffs and all encompassing  sounds, amitire? Dayum. Found some old pics, I guess I did know how to live it up. Holding eye contact and being coy. The value of a shy smile, that holds a lil invite. Would you ever know that's my disguise? I think not. I know how to play, I just don't let on how much I know. Oops. The goofy exterior is just a facade to keep people I don't like at bay. Girl world demands self defence. Tragic.

This song makes me want to unleash my now tame lil demons. I just love being direct and going all in, when the moment is right. Feel the combined rush of control and possessive femininity. Except, I'd give you the control, right after showing you how much of it I have. And I do have a lot. Over me, over you. I guess I'd like to see what heights we can get to. And if you can keep up. You gotta keep up. I'd never love you otherwise. Guess that's why I've always liked men not boys. Someone that can hold their own. And trust me, I will test you. Only if you pass, can you possess me too. Feel my breath on yours, chin up, my mouth inching close. I wonder baby... Can you taste it too?

For now, I'll keep these impulses on the back burner, unravel only when it's special. A lil treat. Till then, imma be good. 

Musings

Do you actually want a kid or was that just talk for the sake of it again? Lol, hard to tell with you. Maybe if you have one, it might help you settle into yourself and be responsible too. From what I see, you aren't a bad person at all. 

I feel like what a lot of people don't realise is that for relationships - responsibility, caring for more than just yourself are things that require work and consideration for the other person. Can't always just be focused on your own needs. Giving the other person importance, making them feel secure, having their backs, these are all ingredients that go into building an actual future with someone. The men I know who have good marriages all do these things implicitly. To me, it's what makes them "men" in a sense too. 

Most people I know now have them to be fair. They know how to have fun but their centers are all solid. And it's a lovely thing. We all derive a sense of security and constancy from each other, I treasure it immensely. 

Treating people in a way that gives them a sense of security about you, and themselves is also so important. Fuck, I remember learning this one the hard way. In my early 20s, I was friends with a lot of guys. I didn't realise back then that even this can be a source of insecurity for a person. I used to just think that since I know I'm only friends with people, the other person should just trust that. But I guess people are more complex than my black and white approach. I started being more open about conversations after that, making sure the other person knows who I spoke to, what was spoken etc. Just so they'd be in the loop. It doesn't always work, but atleast I try to be as transparent as I can be. I don't like to incite jealousy in people, just hate when it happens cuz it just makes things complicated. So I guess this has become my way of keeping negativity at bay. 

Hmm. Idk how many of these values align with yours to be honest. So I guess I'll just assume I don't know you enough, and here's hoping you actually do care about these things. After all, there comes a time in everyone's life when one needs to step up and make the choice to be solid. I'm sure you can be too :)

Listening to: Ronan Keating - When you say nothing at all. 

Some parts of this song really hit home. 

Sundayyyy

Today will be a "me" day, I have decided. Imma play, read, run, get a croissant,  finish my painting and go check some sports gear out cuz my god my shorts are falling apart, rip. Oh and make prawns without ruining them. A wine and a movie would have topped this off well, but no drinking. Ooh ooh. I can check out The Accursed Kings later, been meaning to give it a go. Okay great, sorted! Letsss goooo. 

AND NO DISTRACTIONS! 🤺

Navigating parents

L's mum called me today. Funny that she should after so long. She has always been so nice, right from when we were kids. She wanted to know why me and L aren't talking or why I haven't visited. I didn't know how to explain that. How do I tell someone that their daughter is a serial cheater who tried to hook up with not one but two people I used to like. The first one didn't matter as much, but the second one devastated me. It's odd that I shared that finally and a day later her mum calls me lol. Weird coincidences. I'm so over that phase of my life, it feels nice. Finally. Aunty also wanted to know why I'm not getting married lol. She is always asking me that, year on year. Haha. Idk why she is so into astrology and such. Again insisted on telling me my future. " You'll marry a famous/well respected guy and bring him lots of luck. He will be a smart, traditional person and a good husband. You might have quarrels but the marriage will endure" lolol. It's so hard to respond to anything like this, I just end up smiling and saying thanks. Well I guess the smart part is right, I don't think I can ever fall for someone whose intelligence I don't respect. 

Oh well, time will tell if you are right or not. Until then, sorry about not explaining why I don't talk to your daughter - I just don't like her, but it's great you think of me! :)