Bullet

Is like crack. And I need to quit it ffs. Holy depths of 1 min chess hell, your siren calls to me like a freshly baked french croissant, which  is something I'm craving atm cuz I DIDN'T EAT ANYTHING FOR LUNCH LIKE A LUNATIC. 

You know... I lecture others on self care, but if I were to be honest, I'm a nutter myself. 

I want a nice buttery croissant, where can I find it? Swiggs better have some options else I'll just cry. 

Can't stop laughing

A tennis video made me laugh for a good ten mins. Oh man, my sides hurt. I love when people don't take themselves seriously and can have fun and be silly. Imma watch it again, so fucking adorable looool

Finally feeling a little better after that. 

...

You know what...screw it, I think I'm done caring. If someone can instantly choose to paint me as inconsequential in front of people so they can come off as cool or disinterested or whatever that was, then they shouldn't get my mindspace either. 

Funny I thought you were nice. Showed me, huh? Bet if roles were reversed, you'd hate it more than I do if I had said the same thing.

Fuck it. Imma just listen to lots of music tonight, and get up and be alright from tomo. 

Singing

AND I RAAAAN

I RAN SO FAAAR AWAYYYY

I JUST RAAAN, RAN ALL NIGHT AND DAAAY

I COULDN'T GET AWAY! 

but seriously though, I really feel like it lol

And now on to 

CHERI CHERII LADYYY

TO KNOW YOU IS TO LOVE YOU

IF YOU CALL ME BABY

I'LL BE ALWAYS YOURS

Hmmm

I think it's time to have some hard conversations with myself.

Balance

Istg if I didn't have workouts, I'd be going absolutely nuts. The amount of difference it makes in my day is unreal. I moped around so much since morning and now that I feel better half the day seems like a haze. Barely slept last night too, just got up in the middle and played games. Forgot to eat till 4 pm and just had coffee. Tf am I doing? 

Sometimes I wish I wasn't as sensitive as I am too. I retreat so much the minute my feelings are stung, just immediately go back in my shell and don't engage. Maybe it's better this way though, atleast noone then knows they hurt me. I've always found life to be simpler when I don't have to share how I feel and risk people not giving a fuck. Funny thing is, a bunch of people I know have always prided themselves on having insight into others, and yet not a single one has ever been able to guage how I feel. Even M says she can't tell when I'm offended and she probably knows me best. Am I just that good at hiding? Lol, could be. Lifetime of practice gotta count for something, amirite? :D 

Oh baby, baby I gotta really practice more self care.

Maybe watch some reruns of The Inbetweeners. Hopefully will help break me out of this stupid funk. 

Drenched

Weather sensing my mood and pouring

Djokovic

Respect.🐐

One liners

Another line I heard today sticks out to me tbh. Funny I should think stuff huh? Lol, I never asked for anything, or ever once presumed anything. Was it really necessary to say that to me? I would never try to ridicule someone if they made a mistake, no matter the stakes. Esp something small like that. Being respectful should be the bare minimum, but you can't feel any respect if you can have that as a near instant reaction. Bet there wouldn't be an apology either, doubt it would even register as something wrong. What a joke. 

Idk if people just enjoy being hurtful or what it is, but I feel like I'm always paying some price despite choosing to be nice to them. That's the part that is actually funny. Maybe it's time I stopped. 

RUUUDD

Let's gooooo! 

Petrichor

It's just so nice to see some cold rain sometimes. Even when it foils your plans for a nice outdoor workout haha. I like the smell of hot coffee mingling with the smell of rain, people hurrying about to get to where they want to. Feels peaceful to be the observer.

I wish the world had kinder people, I know it's foolish and naive to wish for something like that when every evidence points to the opposite. But parts of me can't help but wish for it. I used to be an extrovert and I used to genuinely love people. Not for company, but just their character and traits that fascinated me. I viewed them as a palette of colours and it made me so curious to know which shade is dominant in whom and which shades they choose to share with me. I liked the innocence of assuming everyone was fundamentally good. Life has cured me of that level of optimism lol, but I guess I'd atleast settle for halfway decent. How tragic.

Puke

I really need to stop giving people as much leeway as I do. Just cuz you have a bad upbringing doesn't mean you can justify being a piece of shit to everyone else. Yuck.

The Summer of Synth

Ever since I found it, I've loved synthwave. It reminds me of grainy ol Dangerous Dave and Space Jump and spending summers trying to make that one final jump, trying to land that one weird airship on random asteroids.

I heard some video game music today and it just ignited this memory. ♥️ Fighting with bro and friends for my turn on the console and whining lots when they didn't let me hog it. Simple times, possibly some of the best. 

Listening to: Last Train - The Midnight

There is a song, singin' in the dark
Don't get too close, it'll tear you apart
There is a reason for every season of the heart! 

Half in light, half in dark.

Is where start

Half in light, half in dark

Is where we are

Also, how gorgeous were the 80s? The one decade I wish I had lived through. 90s weren't so bad but the 80s just seem so so magical to me. Envy those who did. 

Erotica

I read some erotica yesterday, the quality is so tragic. Sensorials are missing, the element of fantasy reeks of desperation. Is that all it takes to get people off? 

I bet I can do better. Wonder if I can make it seductive without being explicit. Something about desire that's left to the imagination makes it that much more potent imo. Still, need a trail of crumbs to lead the way. Interesting, I think I'll try this out soon. Who should be my muse? Haha hmmmm.

ALCARAZ DJOKO

IS HEREEEEE FAAAK! 

I have a feeling Djoko is gonna show us why he is who he is. Let's goooo!

💃

Woke up so happy and dancy today!! The best part of living alone is you can just dance while making coffee and look ridiculous and LOVE ITTTT! 

Listening to: Femme - Le Couleur 

Tu es parti la baaaaaaass!