:(

No more Rafa after 2024 💔

Amuse the Muse

Erotica. That's right. I spent some time writing erotica and somehow I forgot that phase. I actually would like to write some more, might be fun. Go through the motions slowly and deliberately, making sure each beat is felt just the way it's intended. Something about weaving words into fantasies really turns me on. 

Wonder if I'll ever have the courage to share it. 

Currently singing

If you're lost you can look 

and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall...I will catch you

I'll be waiting

Time after time

...

Need something PG 13 and wholesome to remove this bad taste that is still lingering. 

Saw a snippet of an old interview of AK where he talked about how directors who can't capture emotions and nuance often end up using sex and violence as they are the easiest ways of baiting an audience into a reaction. Makes so much sense. Every poorly directed action movie has elements of both, all covered in a slick package.

Which reminds me of another snippet of a  lecture series I'd once checked out, and the topic was about refined minds will always choose higher order pleasures and therefore a Shakespeare or a Bach will always outrank any popular lit and music, while the latter may have the quality of junk food. At the time, I had wondered if it was a sustainable idea or simply one that sounds superior so everyone just agrees to it. But I'm starting to appreciate the depth of that thought, albeit slowly.

Wtf

Why is degrading women just such a source of pleasure for people. Fuck. I want to get rid of that fucked up imagery in my head rn, it's making me want to legit scream. What a fucking piece of shit.

Since I'm awake

...for no reason, :( let me collect my thoughts from today's trip.

I always wonder why people make the choices they do. Earlier, I think I was a bit obsessed with perfection and would be very dismissive of people who chose to behave in a way I thought was sub optimal. I think I've come to accept the greys somewhat now. Travelling today with M and her bf made me wonder about hers too. We are so different as people, it really gets highlighted sometimes in our 'people choices'. I had to make an effort to get along with her bf, and some of it was a bit exhausting for me. I see the niceness he brings to her life, but his attitude to everyone around him is so dismissive. The constant need to be right, the argumentativeness, coupled with him dismissing facts in favour of his own opinions is a trait that annoys me no end. Like whyyy can't you just admit you don't know something and why have this insane need to constantly be explaining things to others. I never get why people have so much insecurity about their intellect. Yet, it's interesting that she doesn't seem to mind that all that much. I guess the other benefits kind of level out these traits for her. Plus she is pretty easy going, and has a ton of patience so probably finds it amusing almost. I bet she has a similar view of my choices too. In that she probably doesn't agree with some of them lol. I remember once discussing this with her and she telling me she thinks I end up putting in a lot of effort with people, and that leads me to be around those who just use that for their benefit and over time I get tired and withdraw from them. And then they wonder why I'm suddenly not around as much. It's kinda true, my rationale has always been that give someone a chance and make them feel comfortable if you like them. But I always notice how the other person is dealing with me in the interim and idk I guess most people just mistake kindness for weakness. Hmmm. I think I need to pull in the direction of reciprocity more. It's something that's been on my mind the last couple of weeks as well. If I give you importance, it doesn't mean I don't value my own, is that rocket science to figure out? Lmao. I pull in the direction of equality, not some random hierarchy and I certainly don't see myself as lower on any scale. 

Meh, whatever. Do your bit and adult.

Crap

It was meant to be a nap, but yet again I fell asleep and now it's 1.30 and I'm up 😭😭

Mini travels

Went for a day drive today with M and her bf. Was fun. First time I spent so much time with them as a couple. I like him, he is kind and considerate towards her. Funny thing is, a few years ago, I'd have not gotten along with him for sure. But I've come to realise the value of kindness, consideration and someone who makes you feel important and valued. I'm glad he does all this for her. 

A tiny part of me misses being doted on and adored lol :⁠-⁠!

Birthday weekend

M's bday weekend got me thinking about how long we have known each other. Back in uni I never really thought we would stay friends after it got over, esp as she is so closed up and bad at keeping in touch. But maaan, life just follows its own patterns , and I'm glad our friendship survived. She is the one person I can rely on, take for granted and trust. Good stuff. 

So here's to growing older, somewhat wiser and and keeping close friends close. ♥️

Chess

Playing so badly aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

FUCK

:⁠-⁠|

It feels so alienating when you choose to share something tiny yet personal and it's simply not recieved with care or just straight up dismissal. I legit felt so bad. :(

Dilemmas

Wondering if it would be worth it to explore the start up route again. The work load will most likely be a lot, which I don't mind. But I'll have to forgo comp and take a bunch of esops that wont vest anytime soon. That's such a gamble. The last one was a giant turd. The co-founders ended up working for 3 years and only sold it for a mill, what a joke that was. Ugh. I'm so confused. 

A stable company will have very mundane work but the hours will be flexible and I'm so used to wfh and not having to deal with bs people. Co-founders are a diff breed of toxic at times, so tough to find a culture fit that works. But I also like the excitement of building something. Having said that, I think I'm over the idea of working lots for someone else. I can't seem to bring myself to care about a business that isn't feeding directly into my own coffers too. Need to figure out a way to create some revenue streams so I can escape the whole salary bs. 

Someday I would like to build my own thing though, that's the eventual goal. I don't even mind if it's tiny, but as long as I can create something sustainable it would be worth it. Just have no clue what it should be at present.

Ugghhhh. I am just so not excited for any of this. I'm just going through the motions because I should and it's a necessity. 

Hell, everytime I go into the city my first and only thought is ffs when can I go back. I genuinely feel like I just want to go far far away and never come back. 

Droooown me

You make my heart beat like the rain
Surroooound me 

Hooool me deep beneath your waves

TURURURURURU

And every night my mind is running around ...

Thunder's getting louder and louder and louder

Baby, you're like lightning in a bottle
I can't let you go now that I got it

Noowowowowow all I need is to be 

Struckkk

By

Your

Electriiiiic loooooooooooOOOOVE

Baby your electric loooove 🎶💃

Call Me

Why is this song stuck in my head 😭?

Colours

If you know someone well, would you be able to deduce which colour/s they have an affinity to? I'd like to try this out on someone.

🤢

Seeing the candidate list makes me want to puke and spill all the words I know, slowly and distinctly. Bleh