Have I lost interest in chess? Or am I simply sucking cuz I suck? 😭

I am listlessly playing. Now I don't wanna

Dream journal

Having such strange dreams also. They feel so real as they dissolve and I wake up. I'm in some house, it's like a bungalow with large gardens while I'm packing and I have a smaller sibling who is being bratty. Place reminds me of those older structures with plants from long ago. Esp those old fashioned large leafed plants that kinda sprawl about. And while we are packing, I am just throwing things in a suitcase cuz why not. I've left it till the last minute. And the younger kid has done something wrong idk what, but it irritates me. So then I go and shout at her. I pull at her pigtail and the rubberband comes off, and I tell our mum that she has been doing that something she wasn't supposed to. I know she has been bratty all day and just giving everyone attitude. Finally I look at her and I realise she is about to cry. I melt a bit and then I just scoop her up and decide to ask her what's up. For once she also doesn't start throwing a tantrum and then just starts clinging to me. I sense something is wrong so I want to ask her what it is but instead I first say I'm sorry. For pulling her band out. It was a small thing but that makes her cling more. So I walk to the garden with her, hoping the sunshine makes her feel better. And ask her what's up. And she goes... Mom and dad don't talk and noone gets to talk badly about mom and it angers her and she is also sad. So I just give her a big hug and promise her noone will talk badly of her mum ever. She complains about her dad never speaking to her about anything, but I know he is sad so he doesn't know what to say and she is too small. I can feel her hurt and angst though. I feel like we are cousins at this point? Idk. Something. And while she clings I decide to let her be as long as she needs and tell her she can pack all her fav things with her. And give her as much reassurance as I can. Hopefully she could feel it through the hug, I tell myself. Then the dream begins to dissolve. Right in that garden as I'm wishing this little kid feels better. 

~>€[

And now I'm awake and wuuuuut was thaaaaat? Lol. I don't even know. 😂

Could literally feel the desire to make this kid feel at peace right as I wake up and whooooo was it? 

~

Dreams are so funny like faces make sense in them but outside they don't. Well. Atleast I hope the dream kid felt a little reassured. Sorry for snatching at your pigtail little one. Idk why but I'm glad I led with an apology, I feel like hurt folks sometimes just lash out but they need you to understand them more than retaliate at their inability to deal with stuff. 

~

Maaaan. 

There's nothing in the world as precious as little kids and hurt kids who can't articulate it just break my heart yo. Like. I wish I could prevent any and all kids from being hurt I wish that was possible. Such a bummer that is. 

This feels so nice. Mum is happy, all teachers dressed up in saris. A bright happy classroom.

I love schools so much! They are the best! 

~

I like how teachers always dress up in these long necklaces paired with nice but staid colours. Has always been a joy to see. I know internally they can be quite catty, but in pics it just forms a nice image to me. 

My neighbours' dog scared the crap out of me right as I was going to the lift today morning lol. He is so huge! And persistent in his desire to woof woof woof

Now I hear another dog barking on the balcony, throwing a fuss. I'm on his side. Give em woofs doggo! 

It's a lovely Saturday with people and their pets doing bs. 

~

I had a dream about tennis too. Like I was sharing with someone about playing again. And then... Hmmmm... I was holding it back a little cuz unsure if they wanted to hear me out. I wonder why that was. Who was in my dream? I can't recall that face. Someone with a moustache too. Wuuut

~>

So damn sleepyyyy today. 

Beautiful

 https://www.instagram.com/reel/DbbzaYkzOCw/?igsh=eHBmc3p1YzJ6MXdn

This is truly so magical, idk how to save it but I hope oneday I see it again! 

Eating a gooseberry a day with my coffee now like. At first it tasted so yuckky but that bitterness is oddly addictive. Or maybe I'm just a masochist who knows. 

Let's see if my vit c levels become taut after this. Who knows maybe they will. 

~

Is my period round the corner? That subtle uterus whine is creeping up. Like knock knock haha look at me I'm here rnnnnn. A guest who doesn't ring a bell but rather hammers your door.

~

The new Airbender movie is outttt!!! Oofff. Bet it's better than that odyssey sheesh. Forgettable affairs.

~

Someone posted another one of ronaldos ashleel pics ewww man. Wutttt. This one is worse than anything I've ever seen. Whyyyy

I suppose I can always scare myself with it later. 

Like why tf is it above his tan line yaaaa

😩

Mum texting me that she has gone to judge a competition lol. How fun for her. Sometimes I think she should have gone back to teaching just for this kinda social interaction. 

My brother's Spotify UPI mandate just came in rn lmao. I love that I pay for his stupid account hahahah. It feels like old times, like when he used to call me at 10 am when I was at work demanding a pizza 🍕 hahah...omgg. loved itttt! 

~

Waking up with leg pain yet again. 😤 Hell yea!

However, today I looked in the mirror as I woke up and went to brush my teeth and idk if it was the morning light or whatever but I just went oooh, I feel pretty today🙈. I suppose it's wearing pink, it suits me.

I love being natural more than makeup looks now. Like by a wide margin. Tiny enhancements like scrubs and earrings or something light mascara I think are nice but overall muted colours, natural shades and in general keeping things minimal and healthy is something I really do like more and more as I age. My liking for bold colours has also kinda gone away and been replaced by softer shades. All the light pinks and blues and such. I associate beauty with harmony now I suppose. Well. As long as I don't lose my fiery nature that should be a good tradeoff. I've definitely been trying to balance that with more reserve and staidness the past few years... Let's see how much of that succeeds. I feel like I can give years to practicing stoicism and then zoop! One random thing will take me back to boisterousness. 

Like a dog that sees a squirrel, I regretfully identify with that comparison. Woof. 🐶 

~

Saving cuz why not. Embrace thy dark circles. Unfiltered asf, but waking up happy is so worth it all! ♥️

Zomg just saw Ronaldos new post like wuuut. Speaking of cosmetic enhancements and then there's this dude just becoming more and more unnatural looking every day. 

Also. Why why whyyyyy do guys who hit the gym always pose in these weird tight shorts that are rolled up all the wayyyyy? 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

It's sooooo gross and feels soooooooooooo obscene like whyyyy did I have to see this omgggg. 

Ugh. Stupid footballers. 

~

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DbZOf-lq04q/?igsh=Y3ViZGVnd2dteDhs

Oh man. This vibe though. Can't believe I've never seen the video before. There's also a cheetah in it hell yea baby! Fav animal for a reason! 

 One of my biggest icks in life is hearing someone chew and make smacking sounds. 

But when a dog chews loudly it's just soooooo freaking adorable like wuuuuut. Esp these bernese pups like zomgggg. Melt right there!

~

Carlitos and dreads hell yea lol. Being 21 is the best 

I really want a soda maker for carbonated water. It's one thing I actually like...sparkling water. Yumsies. 

Gimme!! 

~

Today is a sweet, slow day. Nothing much happening, time is moving along merrily. Reading some recipe and I'm finding it so fun that all the ingredients are right below the instructions line. Lol. It's just so perfectly intuitive that it feels nice.  I see it's a GitHub extention. Interesting. Chef. And cooklang. Hey this is really cool. Damn. Never seen it before. Marvelous. Always cool to find such things. 

~

Omg kavinsky passed away wuuuut. Damn dude. That is sudden. Was just listening to him a while back. 😕

Omg it was global tiger day yesterday. How cuuute. Kitty kats! Meow! Haha. If it was a day before that someone would have been soooo happy lol. Would have considered it by divine decree or something for suuuuure. I enjoy thinking of him as a diva at times. 

~

It's weird. But different people give you a different sense of themselves in such strong ways. Like whenever I've been around T, I've felt this sense of calm and rootedness and a lot of what you see is what is get. Kinda gentle but also very diligent. With this other person it's always felt like uber selfish and self centered, very cruel also at times. I remember I used to keeeeep hoping I'm wrong and looking for signs for niceness. It's not like I know either too well, but those impressions have been very strong on me. Anyway, doesn't matter. I could be completely and wildly wrong about it all lol. Idle musings at the end of the day.

I guess there's an inherent fascination that people hold for me which drives me to understand. Earlier, people used to mistake my interest for care, it was never that, just academic at best. Now, I've learnt to keep it at a more observational level. Better to just keep one's own counsel. One good thing I see is that I now very naturally only gravitate to stable and grounded folks. I like that... I think it's good to have barriers to entry to life designed to protect yourself. I guess mean folks ain't getting through mine anymore. I'm happy about that tbh. Makes me rest easy. All in a life's work. 

~

Aaaand with that, we gotta get the day started. 

Finally one of the jobs done. Whew! Paperwork is super annoying sheesh. Now 4 more left. 🙄

~ 

I'm tired of losing to 1800s. Let's pull up our socks and lose to 1700s instead. 💪🏼

Ugh. I'm v mad at this losing now..ugghhhg. chess can only be played when annoyed. No such thing as happy play. Except maybe for magnus. Whatever fuck him also🖕🏼 😤🖕🏼

~

Yaay losing to 1900s now. Wonderful. 

~

I'm restless againnnnn!!!! 

~

I haven't heard any jazz in a long time. It's been a long minute huh? 

Waking up early and just taking in the cold morning. It's a peaceful time... I get why people might like waking up at this time too, it's pretty much like late night. 

~

I have tasks to accomplish today that need soooo much concentration. Mmmmhm. See now that makes me want to snuggle and sleep hehe. 

~

Let's try some stretching today. Let me see if my stiff asf body can manage it. Also, why do I have 3 effin pillows on my bed. Kept wondering what's poking my back last night and it's this. Hmmm. Okay snooze for 5 more then get upppp. 

A very reluctant good morning world! ☕

~

Oh em double gees

https://youtu.be/1iUJ1nLnCI0?si=pVHYM8IylvpFxIky

Ooof. 🔥 Too bad djoko started lobbing these. Always ruining every cool thing. Sheesh. 🙄

Bathing can sometimes feel like a chore! I type this cuz I'm sooooooo reluctant to switch on the geyser rn. Better to waste more time 😛

~

Nvm. Did it. Wooohoo! I smell so good rn yummy. 

~

I wanna listen to a nice song but can't think of any. I feel so strangely restless. Idk why. Hmmm. Tis what tis.

I had a strange dream where someone was trying to be inappropriate with me. And even in the fucking dream I was like eew 🤺🤺🤺. Heh. I'm glad I'm me, and not someone else. All the worlds muckiness sometimes weighs really heavily on my mind, but I've always been proud of my resilience and sometimes it's good to know that even in something as low stakes as a silly dream I'd still be like eff off ghoul! I hope I always have the strength to do the right thing. Temptation should be limited to chocolate cake and... Well only cake lol. Can't even think of any other food that tempts me much tbh. Chocolate it isss!! Oh n dumplings. My two loves. 

Cloudy outside. I can't go and play today. Damn. But I suppose another rest day won't hurt. Probably take away the last of the pains. Hmm it's already 28th. Time is flyingggg!

~

Fuck this year is halfway gone yo! 

~

Well, let's just get through the day.

~

People post wins from their tennis tourneys and it's guys who are so okok at it. I really want to play well soon tbh. These two dudes were actually practicing with me and were netting all their shots. Hmmm. I suppose it's commendable people taking the time to still play in their 40s tbh. That's great by itself. Recovery must definitely be harder for them. 

~

Well, I shall go tomo onwards. I think all parts of my body that could hurt from the shock of it have finished hurting lmao. Time to find new aches and pains. 💪🏼

~

Zomg mum is calling to tell me she spoke to L's dad then he asked about me. Ugh. My first reaction was sheesh I don't want to be in that spot. I think I genuinely find the idea of my boundaries being trampled very upsetting. I definitely get over possessive of them. I guess when you know your feelings and fears are safe from exploitation, it's only around those folks you feel kinda relaxed. Anyway, post that tiny moment I also realised, hey I don't need to care or worry, I'll handle it either way. I have no interest in carrying L forward or reconnecting with that group in life, so that's that. I honestly wish to go far away from all these folks. One should just make room for people who are good to us, and that's all. I shall be super careful about that going forward. I suppose that means saying goodbye to my exuberance and habit of tumbling in with joy like a golden retriever. Woof. Tail droop. 

It's really marvelous to be able to see both Sadler and howell play tbh. By far the games I enjoy the most. Sadlers a bit slower than he was last year at bullet, but maaaan that level is sooooo good. Almost always winning and how. Both are great at explaining things too.

I wonder if Natasha Regan also plays. I really like her as well. Will ask her. Can't believe I haven't till now lol

Yappers

Hehe baby bro placed 120 something in the SF 5k how nice! And they all got beat by some 55 yo dude who placed first haha. Nice nice. Love it. 💪🏼 So cute seeing his name in the race results. Also ran in 28 mins Woohoo, I love that number so much. Would be a good rating also oof.

Told mum M's getting married to that guy. She was happy at first. Then I told her honestly how I see that fellow and she was like oh ummm. Atleast she gets now that it's better to not get married if people are shitty. That's a huge leap for her. But she gets that marriage is a huge commitment. She liked what my cousin said to her once. About how he chose his wife cuz he could speak to her openly and affectionately. And mum says yeah if you can have nice conversations then it becomes easy. I agree with that. I think if you are lucky enough to meet someone with whom life seems easy, then you should give it a go. The stark difference between him and my friend is unreal. He chose someone sweet. And that will pay dividends over time I suppose. Good stuff.  I guess I should also learn from him. 

~

A good conversation always has me hooked too hehe. Cheers to that, and cheers to being with folks with whom one can have good ones tbh... I don't think I can ever settle for less than anyway lol. I loooove yapping and I like people who enjoy yapping with me. ♥️

~

This fucking website is still down fml. When will I finish my stupid work?