Dostoevsky

I wonder what state of mind he lived in. Was he emphathetic to the point of being in pain? Or intelligent to the point of being disillusioned? A mix of both? 

He has such an incisive intellect, and keen observations. A thing I have always wondered about authors like him is whether they are writing who they are in all their books or are they so good at observing people that they can seperate themselves from others and be objective? 

I'm currently reading Notes, and the narrator is so scarily accurate that his doom feels like mine, and so do all his follies. It's so hard to detach from him. Heck, I've taken to making notes on my Kindle just to suggest alternative paths to him. 

In all the characters so far...the only one I'm willing to allow myself to relate to is Kolya. He was the only one that wasn't doomed from the start. Maybe this is why I gravitate towards children's fiction. There's a measure of hope and potential in it that is lacking in adult books. I don't want to be doomed, I don't want to go with the current, and I don't want to ever ever ever just be swept away into a life not of my choosing. I fear this so much sometimes. And I don't want to be afraid. :(

the first song I ever heard

this

I remember I was around 6/7 years old. I found this casette at my friend's place. Mostly her dad's. I put it on, not knowing what to expect. And it was Simon and Garfunkel. ♥️

This first song made me absolutely fall in love with music. 

I remember listening to Sounds of Silence repeatedly, not knowing what ''halo of a streetlamp" could mean. But something about ''words like silent raindrops'' evoked warm honey on toast feelings inside me. The sleeve of the casette gave me the lyrics I would have otherwise found hard to decode. Back then, I had to keep rewinding the casette and then jot stuff down in my diary so I could know what to sing.

I spent countless hours singing in front of a mirror those days, pretending to give a concert, painstakingly recording a new casette onto a blank one so I could have a music collection of my liking. When the tape came loose, trying to rewind it with a pencil, and praying fervently that it doesn't get spoilt. New casettes were a luxury.

Years later, I discovered Leonard Cohen and Bright Eyes, both of which completed this trinity of bands that hold time within them for me.

It's not often that I remember this memory, but the joy of discovery and the anticipation of beauty used to light my heart on fire. If there's one thing I truly miss about childhood, it's how much I loved and looked forward to discovering things.

this one just speaks to my soul

love

lamplight

I feel a deep deep sense of harmony, hope and balance growing inside me lately. May I keep it? 

is there

any real point in being wise? 

I try, but failing at it is what gives me my most precious memories. What in the oops. 

dreamy

that's the best way I can describe today. Busy all day, yet with no real plan of what to do. And a whole lot of oldoldold music I had forgotten to listen to in a long time. Surprise me, life! ♥️

careless

Sometimes I wonder how it's so easy for someone to hurt you out of the blue, and show no remorse

listening

I love this

thung thilung Tung Tung Tung Tung

Always a note different from what I expected

Always a playground away from me

Outlines and squares

Keeping it moroccon

But more importantly

Always away from me

you know what

The constitution of glory is a mix of bit parts of delusion

feeking weak

Sometimes it feels like the few vulnerable moments I choose to open up about seem very silly to others and they immediately start to tease me about it. And in my head it just feels like this huge thing. And I hate then I try to be open minded about other people's lives but in return they don't even realise when I'm sharing something serious. The irony is that I just share the little stuff just to see what the reaction would be and when I encounter mockery I close right back up. Maybe this sharing thing is overrated and I should go back to old status quo.

Smells

Today I smell like those fancy yet feminine girls. When I was a kid, the girly ones used to smell so upscale, I used to feel in awe of them. Like these ethereal beings that were lady like and not clumsy like me. They always had this particular scent that conveyed more than just a mere smell. It was a combination of femininity, girlhood, elitism and some unshakable poise. A type of femininity I could never exude,it felt inauthentic to the point of fakeness. I used to wonder what was so different between them and me at times, feeling like a loud block of human around them. Mostly I used to shrug it off. And today I smell like them. 

Turns out it's ginseng body lotion. 

Memory Space

I had an old phone that I refused to give up. It was nice but lacked memory space and I decided to compromise by promising myself I'll delete all my data regularly just so I could keep the phone for longer. I don't know why I did that. I could have upgraded at any point but I simply refused to, because I tend to have a weird attachment to things I own. Its not like acclimating to a new one would be tough, I would transfer all my attachment to the new one in due time, it's a weird form of inertia that makes me cling to the familiar in my private life.

This, in a nutshell, is where I am constantly going wrong.

Dhammapada

Started reading this last week, halfway through. It feels so nice to read, but it's also so tough to practice. Let me see if some lessons stick.

Bike Ride

Woohooo! I finished a 50km ride, for the first time ever. Feeling tired and sort of sad but also happy. Go meee!

Chessings

 Kill me Chess, why don't you? End me like you end my undefended pieces. End me like the queen ends me, when she has a little help from the knight. These be my notes so far:

1. GUARD AND DEFEND. Like omg. All my lost games are due to not guarding my pieces. Save me, John. I will die on this hill.

2. Restraint. It might look like a good move, but if the opp has a chance to take you out in one, then stop and guard.

3. Get the knight on g5 if you can, vv useful.

4. Pick correctly between captures if you have a choice of K v B.

5. No more Blitz till you finish 100 rapids atleast.

6. When the Q is out... why the fuck do you not look at what she can do? 

7. Play to defend and not blunder for the first 100 games, and see if there's some improvement.

8. Patience :(