Wow watching rajat kapoors take on brothers karamazov and omg how have you butchered dosto so badly 😵😕

Juuuust so bad zomg. 

Cold days with cloudy weather. Quintessential throwback to the city I used to love. It's gotten so different now. I miss the old world vibe it once had, now it's just reaching a level of soulless that I associate with every generic city. Damn man. Yearnings. Just want to sleep in today so lazyyyy

So tired of this world ugh. Wake me up when everything is normal. 😔

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Making pesto and I can't help but feel as if I'd love to make some for someone who enjoys eating lol. I like home cooking esp if it's for someone else. Just little, little things that I enjoy doing for someone, it gives me a lot of joy. Even small simple things like making sure the fridge is stocked and there are few things in it that someone enjoys eating etc. I enjoy that. I loooove spoiling people with all this stuff. Guess it's my love language, taking care of people in tiny ways. 

Something so therapeutic about a slow game lol. Legit enjoyed it. The uber mindlessness of bullet really has taken a toll I'm just averse to it rn. Good. Hopefully that aversion lasts. No more pining for 2100 bullet lol. Let's get slow rating for that. 

Back to 10+0. Doesn't feel that bad tbh. Only annoying when the pairing is against some new account lol. Oh well. Let's gooooooo. So fucking fed up of bullet like damn. Mindless asf. 

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AAAAAA

fucking played that stupid 1+0 again ugh and lost 2k and now want it back ugh ugh ugh. I hate this. 

It's interesting to see so many people dress up for festivals. I've never had any desire to participate in any lol. Even today, I'm like a grouch just hiding away from it all lol. I guess I can't make myself do anything that my heart is not set on. It's a weird internal stubbornness that I've come to accept. Haha. Like me accepting it is of utmost importance lol. Its like I just don't understand one large part of humanity. 

I was just revisiting the grand inquisitor also coincidentally and I'm Ivan through and through. Even there I have loads of bones to pick with dosto lol. I feel like a huge fundamental flaw in his work is that he is a reluctant believer. So was Kierkegaard and they all spun around in circles trying to rationalise belief or rather their own desires to believe. Hehe. Well, not Kierkegaard in the same way as dosto but like... Idk I feel this man's anguish in his works and it makes me sad but also makes me wonder how he didn't just understand that you can be good for the sake of being good. That you can accept the universe as is, and choose to define your role in it. I think the Stoics were practical in that sense. Hmmmm. 

It's a good backdrop. Watching people dressed up and be festive and ponder wtf was dosto all about haha. 

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Paradoxical it may be, but I value the importance of prayer and belief and the role in plays in people's lives. I think it's very important to feel loved and secure and know that someone somewhere cares to protect you. There's a lot of good in that. I don't feel it needs to be transactional in that hey I'll be good so pls gimme reward. I think if you can breathe deep and act from a place of security and acceptance about your own self, you can choose to do right for others without thinking it diminishes your own resources. It's a very unfinished thought. But it's not like rn I have the time to finish it I gotta go put on a smile and exchange niceties lol. 

Cheers to the believers. You are all sinners but it's nice to see you all pretend otherwise hehe. 

Greatest love ever

Running up that hill. Oo huuuu

I actually want to run up a hill fuck. Just that sweet sweet pain and endorphins. Chase that damn high. 

Dammit. Disabling pano scrobbler cuz I don't want it reading my texts lmao. Ugh no mo last fm and my digital musical impressions. Dayum. There was something so precious about sharing that profile with someone and they could know when I'm enjoying a song haha. It was cute. 

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On a night that's for the shins,no less. 

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I'm looking in on the good life

I might be doomed never to find

Without a trust, a flaming field

Am I too dumb to refine?

And if you took to me like

Well, I'd've danced like the queen of the eyesores

And the rest of our lives would've fared well

~

Heh. Such deeply sad lyrics set to such peppy music. Ooooo uuu ooo uooo

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I missed when life was small and I kissed you on the terrace and felt guilty because it didn't fit in with my idea of propriety. Hehe. I miss it so much. Not you, but I miss that time of innocence and wonder. I want it back. I will never look for myself in shitty lyrics nevermore. But if I could bottle that innocence and keep it safe, I would. I so would. Dammit. 

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Ugh. I must have said it a 1000 times but music is my greatest love hehe. And I shall forever be a musical philanderer, no genre shall tie me down. 

Let's see if someone can ever come close to clinching second place though. Heh. I am now curious who or what that might be. 

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On cue... Heartbeats. 

What a pretty voice you have. 

Heartbeats ♥️

Man people make fake accounts just to cheat on lichess like why ugh. Reported this person I saw cheating against this fellow too. Just annoying to see. Nolund it seems. Lolol. I wonder if that person knows what that word means but who knows maybe some cheapo did it intentionally. 

Oh wow lichess sent message saying banned also goody. Finally quick action. What a shit account though, just losing no games whatsoever. Blatant asf. Omg hahahahahha. They paired him with some 1800 cheater hahahahha. Good shit let's goooo. 

Heh. Only an engine is allowed to beat our man this badly 😬💪😤

Some guy posted on the Stoicism sub about getting Crohns. Says now he feels angry all the time. I felt so bad reading that. The more I've read about IBDs and the like, the more I've come to realise that living with these conditions must be hellish for the people who have them. :( 

I've never wondered about this before a couple of years ago but the more I've tried to educate myself on it, the more it feels so fucked up to live with. 

Sometimes life just makes you angry na. Like... Whatever nags at you internally eventually can overpower everything unless you work on it. That sucks but it exists. I do feel bad about this, truly. There's so much strife in the world. And it's a lot to handle. 

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I hate that feeling of helplessness that accompanies the realisation that you can't take away someone's pain or just magic it away. I wish I could. Hmmm. Sucks, ngl. 

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I guess at the core of it all, why I always forgive everyone no matter what and why I have such difficulty in trying to keep score etc is that deep inside there's a part of me that's afraid what the world will look like when the people I love are gone. I view life through the lens of love and people. Why I have felt like ambition etc is low key meaningless as a quest in its core too. Not meaningless maybe but temporary and fleeting. Maybe that's how I give life meaning idk. But it's always felt like the most honest part of me. Even today it does. So someone just fix everyone around me and make them be sweet and sensible and take care of themselves cuz fuck I know some crazy people lmao. Sheesh. Even worry about them when they aren't around cuz why tf not. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 All fucking lunatics. 

One of those days when I just wanna cuddle in bed ugh. Already wearing socks like a granny 😵

Role models

Conan is a goat for a reason like. I have soooo much respect for him. His demeanor with his fellow workers, his love for Sona and how protective and friendly he is. Every night I hear some of his podcast and the thing that strikes me the most is how down to earth all the folks around him are. There's no meanness there. A tiny segment where sona jokingly asked if she should diet cuz he said he was and the way he instantly jumped in with a noooo you are beautiful. Like. And the lady who added the words about how Sona was a good role model growing up for her etc was right. In a sea of fakeness, this one is the real deal and I applaud her for that. 

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I suppose my love for Elaine Benes as a character also stemmed from that. She was smart, pretty, funny, selfish and a whole lot of stuff. But she was always natural and never overly sexualised. I really respect that. I find the whole overt sexualization and objectification of women to be the exact flipside of the coin for making them wear veils and what not. It's just treating them as objects and not people. I suppose it may not be a popular opinion but like... It's okay to be who you are. For everyone. And props to conan for being such a good guy, he is so sharp and picks up on nuances so well. More people should be this way. And to think I once hung around a dude who translated the russian word for slut for me without batting an eye and letting his friend pass lewd comments. Idk why I fooled myself for so long. Heh. As they say... People show you who they are, believe them. Amen to that. 

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Zorba the Greek. We should be a bit like that. 

Day before periods and everything sweet makes me semi senti hahahah. Shit. I wanna snuggle a bar of chocolate though, kind craving that after a long time. 

Couldn't sleep, went on yt and that stupid site gave a jumpscare. Lmao. So many months of avoiding and suddenly some siberian thingie popped up complete with ai summary that was funny asf. Ugh. I hate that I'm laughing. Expert commentary analyzes every move it would seem lmao. Wtf yaaaaaa

Magnoose, Laver

End up seeing magnoose stream quite often now. I wonder how come he does it. Their app must be in trouble. Still, not complaining. Actually really enjoy how low key and chill it is. Man, can't believe a manchild like him will be a father soon haha. Everyone growing up eh? Heh. 

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Oh god again that same dude spamming esse analyses with engine on. Bruh. This is just sad and embarassing. 

Literally every time. Crazy folks. 

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Ooo bro at laver cup ugh. I wish I was there too dammit. 

Heh bro thinks opelka will win I go ruud. Let's gooooo. 

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Omg he is seeing Alcaraz too later zomgggg

Having a long chat with bro and he also suggests diversifying lol. Hmmm. Interesting. I have so much to think about tbh.  

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Lately, it's tough to articulate a lot of this stuff. I feel like I'm about to take some important calls and hmmm. As usual I'm dragging feet because of the finality a change in direction usually brings. Ponderings lol. Need some woowoo stuff like vision boards and what not. 

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Edward Hopper

Really loving his work. It's not often I understand well what an artist is trying to say but when it clicks it feels so good. 

I like his landscapes even more than his city work tbh. There's a sense of hope in them that's lacking in his cityscapes lol. 

Cape Ann Granite.

This delights me because I view landscapes this exact way.  It's so hard to express what that means but my eyes just lust for the beauty of nature in all its unvarnished glory. I love craggy hills and moss on stones and sunlight lighting up the entirety of it all. Being on top of a hill and looking around feels just this way ugh. God I love it so. 

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I know nighthawks and house by the railway is more iconic but to me there's a stillness and beauty in these that escape the dereliction of his human lens haha. Hope, I shall always cling to thee. I hope.