Had a strange dream with some person in it that I was talking to lots. Waking up and it feels so surreal when you half remember it by the deets just get hazy. Strange huh.
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I like dreams sometimes. The floating quality of a hazy narrative. The peekaboo of consciousness interspersed with that feeling of flying and occasionally diving into deep waters. Heh... I guess that's why depictions of dreams are always like falling into the sea.
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I enjoy good conversations a lot. A way to bounce ideas, a way to I guess dance but verbally... Sometimes to get to know someone well, other times to simply exchange neutral stances and world views. Maybe that's why I prefer long conversations. It's how AK and I also started haha. A 3 day conversation that saw our young hearts just fall in love. It was so sweet. The one time I felt pulled to someone in the last couple of years was also a by product of a conversation that was simply so nice. But I guess the pull wasn't just that he was smart it was that he was so damn nice and sweet to me. It really hurt to realise it then. That feeling of vulnerability I had at that moment was so deep. Not that he was being nice, just that something so simple was denied me for so long and it was so easy to actually just offer. Something that was meant to be usual and what I always took for granted for most of my life tbh. I guess that's a very visceral and existential feeling I had in that moment...I willingly waited and delayed engaging with someone for months so I could feel sure I could trust them. And when I chose to, they treated me badly straight up. It felt like a complete betrayal then. And that conversation when he was just so nice to me completely made me cry. For the sheer unfairness of the situation but more existentially for the sheer haha... well tbh the flip off the universe seemed hell bent on giving me... "like hey look look made you trust again sucker. Now deal with hurt hahaha." I don't place blame on anyone anymore but it was... well it's amusing now to be fair. Hehe. Unfairness becomes bearable when you blame it on god or sins etc right? That's something I understood in a tiny way here. But no matter. Actually, let me lay blame where it should lie. In my lap for choosing to be around despite repeated evidence, and my lack of standing up for me. I too pulled an ostrich here for sure. And ofc on this person for making all the choices they did. Still, idc now. As it should be, I extricate myself from this and the loss of trust was I suppose long overdue anyway so good to just balance the scale. I guess I was lucky in a lot of ways in life though, still am. Choosing to have been around someone awful made me lose sight of that. But it helps me in an academic way to understand the role of neglect and what it does to a person. That was another one of my pet wounds. Growing up with a mum who used to only focus on herself and simply use me as a placeholder for their emotions. And then coming across a person, taking time to trust them only for them to combine the worst of both worlds and further treat me like some object they aren't accountable to, but can extract value from and cite ' but I said so' etc if ever called to be accountable. Well, atleast I would never choose to sink so low or be so spineless or be such a user thank god. I have no respect for any of that weak shit. I pay my dues and I always carry my share of the burden for the ones I care for. And I guess I genuinely do not respect people who don't but try to get free passes on technicalities. Freeloading with extra steps, iss all it amounts to. I guess hurting my feelings might be something that I could always forgive, but hurting my pride? No. Like when that sluddy lady pointed out that line judges could be racist in their calls and he simply didn't get it lol. Cuz he has never faced it in his life. Subjected people to it, yes. But never had to deal I guess. Made me chuckle at the unawareness of it all. Some people spend their entire lives in bubbles, don't they? When your own bff calls people uncle Tom, then it's not surprising to me in the least. But hey, those folks he is comfortable with lol. Yuck man. I find it hard to forgive myself for ever, everrrrr giving a fuck about such a person. Never wanted do overs in life, but if there was ever a thing I would change... It would be that I never said hi to him.
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Funnily enough, mum is family and I never wanted to quit on her. But that's where it ends for me. I gave way too much importance to someone who was absolutely not worth any of it. I say this without malice, but out of a sense of weighing out the good and the bad and realising the simple truth that they never did anything for me but took care and validations galore from me. I suppose maybe like mum they have their own issues. I don't view people as broken so I won't use such a term but yes, I do think insecurity and unaccountability often goes hand in hand. But props to mum tbh. She is a solid person who changed and changed for the better across the years. I'm proud of who she is today and the relationship we share now. I'm glad. It may have taken a lot of years to get there but she is a dogged soul who always does the thing she sets her mind to. A total warrior that I do admire lots. And I'm glad I never quit on her. That was a fucking good decision. Hehe. Look at me, separating wheat from chaff and landing up with a gem.
Those visceral feelings have long left me now. I suppose that's part of having dealt with them, but they don't have any power or impact on me. Like a healed scar you can't quite remember hurting anymore. So I suppose I am lucky still. And I am happy too, a lot more these days. Good. Hope to share that luck and care with people who share my values too. ♥️
And now I want a bite of a dessert hehe. Dammit do I have to wait for Christmas? Yep. Fuck you sugar. No thanks. Oh the meanderings of a mind that's restless on cold winter eves. Brandy, maybe? Dammit.
