Classics

Rockwell

A day for classics and going back to the rooootssss.

If music were a religion, the 80s would be its rite of passage. Am I fond of them or what? 

I do not know whether to be amused or exasperated haha. I'm mildly amused I guess. Testament to the fondness I feel that I never judge this weirdness but istg it better be benign and not the mark of some crazy ass person lol. Love you lots. Don't be a nutty weirdo pls. More niceness, less craziness pls! Hehe. 😂😘♥️

Sunshine 😎 

Love it. Don't want to wake up but it looks so nice outside. Hehe.

Magnus: "...what Ding has done has reeked of being unprepared and surprised, which was unexpected as well. " 

Lmfao. Oh fuck gotta give it to him for just saying that out loud in that cheeky way like. Haha. Sometimes he just has these zingers and he gives zero fucks about saying it out loud. Like when you talk to friends except he is saying it to everyone. Lool. Really like his sense of humor tbh.

Curiouser and Curiouser

 

Colour me amused. I do applaud the optimism, just as much as the dedication. Bravo! The whimsy maketh me L.O.L.

 

Gifts

 Queen Pawn puzzle - Esty link. 

Storing for if I ever need it. I think this guy would like that too. Or maybe not, might be too simple for him haha. I think it would make a nice gift. Oh but... Never mind bad memory lol. God I gotta block out all these bad memories from now lol. Didn't wish me, didn't thank me for wishing and then that shit afterwards. Yet I look at this and think hey it might be nice. How I wish there was just one nice happy memory I could hang my hat on with confidence lol. Who knows, maybe someday? Or maybe I am my own worst enemy lol. Haha. Must be the latter but NO MATTER! 🙈💪🏼

Circles

There was a time when I tried to understand something. I guess I can't help but want to be sure of certain things in life. Whether I need to watch my back with someone or I don't. I don't like the idea of being like a sitting duck lol. But lately I wonder if it's worth it if you actually have to think this much about someone's actions or not. There's no point in being unsure all the time. Can't play hope chess with life. Lol. And there's no real point in grappling in the dark, I prefer solidity over that. Because in the end, a long dark road isn't one I'm willing to traverse, I shall change direction if it doesn't get better. 

~

There's so much more to me than just a very narrow view of the most existential, meandering, sometimes silly, sometimes painful vocalisations that don't really do justice to the other 23 hours in a day which are spent doing the mundane. I never think about a lot of that as it's just general life. So many conversations that don't really get spoken of because being in the midst of them is what counts but keeping a record of it isn't really noteworthy. But I believe the focus has been heavily skewed into what's too dostoevskyish in nature in its quest but isn't really a solid reflection of the generic average, everyday life I lead. Where I like to work, laugh, do my workout, read something good, try to learn something new and sleep lol. Sneak in a croissant once in a while. Where I realise on a regular Thursday that my vocabulary and style of speech is similar to a 50yo British man and I chuckle to myself at how that's been a one constant that rarely ever gets to see light of day. In waking life you would sound absurd to others if you used words like marvellous and so you have to always supress the first thought and recalibrate. Lol. So I don the roles expected of me, never fully being myself. Guess I'm used to that odd duck feeling. Apart from that, it's not fancy nor is it anything irregular. Fairly tame infact. And I don't want fancy either. I like hardwood. Heh. Solid, longevity, built to last, classy but never in your face and never ostentatious. Sensible in its essense. When you correct your own priorities, you feel that groundedness as well. It's not that tasks get easier, just that your grit gets stronger. 

~

I guess you never really know someone unless you know someone. Me included. Guess I'm just a normal, average woman. Who likes to read and write and listen to music like a billion others. Heh. I like that though. It's not out of the world, but it is solid. And I guess on balance I atleast try to be good so that should count. Hehe. So I guess this window is just that. A window into a highlight reel of the aches and pains that I suppose most people also have. Not to mention my knee jerk complaints that I was lavishly elaborating on, nary a care. To be fair it was meant only for me. I do not wish to do an apology tour in the future for it coming off as insensitive which I'm sure it does at times. 😔💀

~

Idk. Am I losing the will to write? There are long gaps in my writing because I felt like I simply had nothing to say. And the last couple of years I had a shit ton of it. Took me a while to process, unpack and unlearn a lot of things.  I feel myself shedding and distancing from all that now, wanting to build new things, and generally feel my old happy self trotting along daily. I used writing as a crutch I suppose. But I don't want it to be just that anymore though. And now as I close that chapter of angst and insecurity and what have you, I also find myself not really having anything of note to say lol. Have we come a full circle? 

Hmmm. Well, maybe the things I say need to change and grow. It might feel unfamiliar at first, but why not try? Yep. Let's just draw some more lines and see where that takes us.  

Yet another draw. Saw Sadler be appalled at f4 then he was immediately like oh that seems rather rude haha. So adorable. The typical British reserve and politeness that caps even the strongest of dissent. Some people are just so well raised I find it marvellous. Certain elements I absolutely appreciate tbh. Respect towards others is primary, especially in a public setting. I suppose he must be a good teacher based on this. I've always felt the best ones aren't the ones who know the most but rather who don't make people feel small and foolish. It's a lesson you learn in corporates also. People only approach those who they feel safe with, and that's very important. If you feel like a person is looking for a chance to shit on you, you'd be very careful about saying anything in their presence. Which I feel is important. You should not be the type of person that makes others feel inadequate. People who are most loved always make you feel like you are special and uplifted in their presence. It's an endearing quality that I wish was more common. Well, one can dream hehe. I try to emulate this too, even though I know my natural impatience can be at odds with it sometimes. Still, highlighting what I feel is special in someone always comes naturally and I'm rather happy about that. I like knowing that people around me know I appreciate them. Hope they also pick up on it lol.

Well, loving this world championship and a lot of it due to Sadler's work ethic. Someone donated 2 euros and he was like heyy I'm rich hahahaha. Soooo cute. Hope game 10 is a decisive one. A rest day and then bang on. Ooof. Let's gooooooo. 

Again?

🙄💀

Just. Lol. And the last one for plausible deniability I suppose. Really don't know what to say anymore. I am speechless. Directness is a virtue, maybe just do that.

Oh boy. Lmao. I don't think I've ever clicked such thirst trappy pics before. Can't stop laughing. I badly want to show M but not sure about it also lol. Feeling sooo shy fuck. Heh. But tbh it's actually a v cool thing to use I genuinely like the aesthetics of it all. Ugh. How I wish I had a proper camera stand I'd love to art direct this stuff feels great. Sensual pics is turning out to be quite a fun area of exploration for me. Interesting. A shot I'd love is something like... Lying down on a light colour sheet, stockings, pink lipstick, hair a bit wavy and the book on my chest at just the right angle. Simply looking up and smiling. And some candids which I find have more character than too much stylisation. Damn, this is actually quite fun lol. 

Midnight drives

... Are incomplete without synthwave 

Marvel83 - On and On

Nighttime is my time. The cold air, the moonlight, even though it's not day, it's all so bright. 

Fucking love it. 

Dangerous Dave on the highway a la Space Jump. Damn. Gotta play Dave again wonder if it still exists somewhere. God how I hated it when graphics got better and 64 bit gaming came to an end. 

Bonus: Ring of Pride

Why does the addition of glasses instantly make things so fucking hoe like zomg. Hahahah fuuuuck. I cannot even. The tamest pic also looks so suggestive. 💀🙀

Oh boy. This is going to be.... I do not even know how to complete that sentence. 🤣🤣

Game 7

Exhilarating!!

Juuust. Loved it. Beautiful beaaautiful save by ding oh man. I love him haha. And Guks. Fuck. Hope he silences his critics. Iss all. 

Respect

I was wondering why I have such an affinity for Sadler and his analysis, and I realised that in addition to having respect for his intellect, I have a huge amount of respect for how gentlemanly and sweet he is as a person. No condescending attitude towards anyone, no rudeness, no desire to pull others down to push himself up. Even with Levon, he was so nervous about his own skills. And yet Levon was very nice and there was no trace of condescending attitude from him, they just both did due diligence to the position on the board without any extra ness to it. That was very chill and a very classroom type atmosphere which I like. I guess that's why he is also well liked generally. Both contenders also mentioned him and I've heard Magnus also speak well of him and ask about his recos. I suppose it's the person he is that contributes to that, not just his skills. And yet the man is so humble he straight up admits he isn't as good as levon and is nervous at the prospect of commentating with him. Very quaint and endearing. Even on yt, I find his chat to be just filled with nice, curious folks. No weirdness. Hehe. I guess I enjoy this type of behavior the most. You don't feel on edge ever. Genuine groundedness and humility. It's like the absence of a headache. You almost never notice how nice it is cuz it feels normal but the advent of one is unreal. 

Cheers to the good people out there. I applaud the feeling of safety I feel in your presence. 

Interesting

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/s/M8nVSR0eQt

This is so eye opening. I never quite grasped how much people get screwed up over the years. Being in a relationship and still feeling this way sounds so stressful. I sometimes sense this trait in Di as well. The weird paranoia when someone hasn't spoken to them for a bit. 

I have avoided calling her after my granny's funeral. The way she behaved - the entire arm twisting thing, the fact that I could sense she was trying to make me call her and that she didn't even relent with that selfish shit after sending me those texts two fucking hours after my granny's funeral like. Even the... I'll leave you alone until you are ready to reach out. It just felt like being controlling while seeming to give space but in the end there was an ultimatum there that I simply did not want to adhere to or clean up. 

Idk man. I think it's weird for friends to make you feel like they want to have a chokehold over you. And it's weird to want to give ultimatums to friends in this way. And I know me avoiding it is also not exactly the best way to tackle it but mentally I just feel exhausted beyond belief at the thought of even addressing this. I'm not able to articulate it correctly either. It's not that I wish to be mean or unsupportive it's just... Well there are a bunch of things I simply dislike. I like friendships to be strong but also easy going. You should be able to take each other for granted in some way, esp as you grow older. It isn't highschool. And being there for each other in the right way is important. I didn't even hear from her after the funeral because let me guess... It's my job to reach out. The fact that she waited that one week for me to travel back home and then instantly thought since I didn't say anything she can give me ultimatums just seemed so selfish and shitty. It was so uncaring towards me. Normal people just ask how you are, try to show you concern. That's what I sense is lacking. It's mostly just hey you didn't do xyz my way so now I'm just going to bide time until you solve your shit and I get what I want. 

Hmmm. I guess I don't feel safe or even any empathy with her. Not just for me but for everyone. The way she exposed her own grandmother to covid without thinking it's unsafe then later saying oh I hope I didn't etc was very jarring. The way she talks about her husband who she says she loves but then says hey I didn't find all I wanted. The fact is that I know she won't be happy for me if I am happy, she will just feel bad she didn't find what she wanted etc. It's just ... Idk bro. Are all people shitty or do I just entertain the ones that are for far too long? I'm not sure. But I definitely am responsible for some of it. Knowing where to draw lines and where to hold them is not something I've learnt too well. I guess I should not rely on other people doing right by me, I should just be able to discern where genuineness lies and nurture only those equations that have them. 

Granny's death was so eye opening tbh. I realised that as distant as I've been with family, a part of me simply loves them unconditionally. I guess I always will too. I like being the person people rely on. But also a person people show care to. That is important to me now. And I see who is there for me and who isn't and the part of me that used to feel a lack simply isn't even bothered by the ones that aren't. It just feels like why? Maybe that's why I'm not really wanting to reach out to Di either. I don't want dysfunctional equations or ones where I just feel used.

~

Every conflict isn't the end of the road nor are things so unfixable that you can't simply reach out and be nice and facilitate the conflict to resolving. But giving ultimatums then backing off is weird and I get it comes from a place of fear but fear is not something that should enter in equations that are solid and if it is, then you need to tackle it. Adding ego to things is just another way to mask insecurity but in the end you have to not be so selfish that you only think of yourself. It's a very isolating experience to be around people who are selfish and I kinda just don't want that. I want to feel safe and happy and appreciated with people especially as I take care of them too. And I have started feeling like I deserve it hehe. Like someone being sweet and nice and caring and all the good stuff. I think I deserve that. Unprompted. Haha. 

That just it really. I'm usually all in when I care but I suppose I have to do that next when the other person makes an effort too. 

~

So much noise this WCC. I hate just not knowing enough nuance to know what is wheat and what is chaff tbh. I don't trust the words of all these hikis and nepos simply criticizing. Because it's just hard to gauge whether they are accurate or simply salty. Wouldn't put it past a lot of them to do the latter cuz they missed out on their shot to play the WCC. It's like flying blind. Engines don't help because who expects pure engine play anyway. Damn man. I guess the solution is simply to learn more chess and try to get an understanding of my own. So far I'm just disappointed in neither player getting a nailbiter or even trying and I suppose that's the disappointment I feel. God I hate this clumsy feeling of not knowing lmao. But fuck it, I'll learn.