Weird are my triggers, I wonder who I would be if I weren't possessive. Probably someone a lot less stupid lol. Smh. Oh well. Que sera sera
You know, ordinarily I don't care about who plays what opening against me. I just figured that nomenclature is a waste of time for me to learn as of now, I'd rather just focus on getting the calculations right.
But every once in a while soooome person comes along and plays the gambit against me, and I notice and something just awakens and soooo makes me want to crush it lolol 🤺
Tu tu tu tu tu tutututuututututututu
Hehe ðŸ¤
Woke up super early, got some work done, then heard Canon in D obsessively. Interspersed with AM.
AND I GAINED CLOSE TO 150 POINTS ON LICHESS AFTER THAT OMG.
Ooh la la la laaa ooo
Mad sounds just came on, and all this before 9 am.
All that's left is a kick-ass workout and istg I'll be zen.
This morning feels so nice 🙂
M's 5 yo niece made her a birthday card and it just said
" I love you too "
Istg I want that confidence in life. ♥️
Back in 2017, I had written a tiny piece in which I wanted to capture how I'd like someone to see me. It was the first time I tried to imagine how I'd like to be loved, and what an idea of a happy place could be and how I'd like to be seen by someone's eyes. Up until then I would always assume I had to earn someone's love and I guess I wanted to try and break the wheel on it somewhat. So this little thing was my way of reminding myself of some things that are best left unarticulated. Looking at it again, there's not much I'd change even now, it's a sunlit slice of perfection for me.
I think tonight, imma promise it to Alex Turner and his bassline and start with the all time fav 'Do I wanna know?'
Man, even those lyrics are so damn seductive. Like Turner sings " That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day "
Except "crawling back to you". Lmao fuck never. Climbing into Kitty's lap? Oh now thaaat I might want to do.
Funnily enough, to R U Mine? A song I'm convinced is written for me.
Istg, AM is a guilty indulgence like no other album for me.
An old friend texted me on discord after years and his opener was:
"Waggo.
OK so super random and weird, but I remembered you yesterday after eons because I was watching a video about identifying psychopaths and I remember we talked a lot about narcissists. "
Things that remind people of me lmfaoo. Wish he had just stopped at psychopaths, would have been 🤌
Curating cuz I love it. *\0/*
Raves pinged me last night. I was feeling low and asked him to tell me some fun fact and he goes " so me and my gf went to a sex club yesterday" lmao. Not what I was expecting, but deffo jolted me out of my funk. He then told me about them being in an experimental phase and how he doesn't know where it's going but he is trying his best to understand it. For once, I felt a generation gap kick-in inside me as I heard him out. I feel like the younger ones are trying a lot to explore the concept of open relationships. A nightmare concept in my opinion. I don't fundamentally get how someone can be open to seeing new people, having fun with them and still stay commited. I feel like younger people don't have a long term view on life, and maybe the in the moment stuff then makes them feel thrills. I recall my experimental phase, but I always chose to do it when I was single. For the life of me, the idea of someone I'm with wanting to or actually banging someone else just brings out such a visceral hate in me. It's the one time I'm simply not in control of my emotions.
It made me think about J after an eternity, someone I simply chose to erase from my memory and life because of such an event. He wanted me to just stand by as an option while he chose to fuck all of tinder. It was in that moment I realised that I can forgive people if they hurt my feelings, but if they mess with my pride, a side of me comes out that is rarely seen. J wanted me to act normal and be chill with him fucking around because " he told me about it ". I had a near instant rebound, and a part of it was definitely fuelled by vengeance. That last night in his car when I told him there's no room for him in my life and he broke down, it made no difference to me at that point. And that indifference continues to this day. Even as I type this, no part me of actually cares about him any longer. It died the minute I said those words. It surprises me somewhat, given that J was a person that made me consider the idea of marriage, and was so dependent on me that it made me feel responsible for him. I guess ego is the one savior I have when it comes to protecting myself. I have the ability to deal with a lot of difficulties, but breaking a sacrosanct covenant touches a part in me that basically goes into annihilation mode. Lol. Side note - I don't mind that you chose to break my heart, J. But did you really have to be so brutal in your efficiency? Did you really have to leave me feeling like the most unlovable person on the planet? I'm glad you tindered tbh, atleast it got me to leave. Your dad's cancer and all the stuff you were dealing with might have prolonged my suffering in my desire to help see you through it. What a joke love sometimes turns out to be.
Maybe Raves doesn't have the same spectrum of possessiveness that I do. Or maybe it's different for guys, idk. But fuck you if think I'll ever be some rando option in your life lmao. I think in some sense I do view relationships as a bit of a transaction maybe. If I'm willing to look at the best in you, help you, care about you and people in your life, then the least I expect in return is respect and consideration. Idk if it's more a hardline approach or not romantic in it's essense, but I can't devalue the effort I consistently put for the sake of people around me.
I'm very interested to see where this experiment leads Raves. Is it a truly a gen gap, or just a learning experience that will get him to understand my pov after he is done with that phase.
Curiouser and curiouser, as Alice might say. You live, you fuck up, you learn and you come back to the mean.
P.S. - happy birthday to an old friend, wherever you are, I hope you are doing well.
Sometimes I feel like I say things without thinking, and people just get offended. I don't even mean to, and I've never once had an instinct to willingly or casually hurt someone, yet it feels like no matter how hard I try, some days I just can't do anything right. It's like the words have a life of their own, and people insist on finding the worst interpretation of it. I can't understand if this is operating from a space of no faith in me, or is it just me that's flawed. Can people really not see how much I actually care about them? Or does all of that just get washed away in an instant?
For as long as I can remember, I used to feel like an outsider just looking in. That feeling had levelled off the last couple of years, but stuff like this just brings it all back.
Bleh, I should just not talk to anyone.
Edit: You know what...fuck it. I thought about it and I'm sick of just blaming myself when I didn't do anything wrong. I'm not putting up with bs, uncalled for treatment from anyone.
